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Support Thread for Anyone Affected by Cancer

158 replies

mummydoit · 10/11/2007 08:19

I know there are a few of us with DHs or other relatives suffering from cancer. Anyone want to join me in a support thread?

I'll kick off with something positive as DH is doing really well at the moment. The radiotherapy he had over the summer has eased his symptoms so he's able to swallow well and eat almost normally. Still has to avoid certain foods and has to eat slowly but at least he can eat! One of the secondary tumours on his liver had grown slightly but not enough to need treatment. He'll have another scan in December and we're hoping for no change again. If and when he does need more chemo, there's a clinical trial we're hoping he can take part in. Only one in four people are suitable, though. He's had the blood test to see if he is suitable and we're waiting for the results of that.

Sadly, my Dad isn't doing so well. He's been in hospital on and off since June, first having his stomach feeding tube fitted, then he got an infection which turned into c. difficile. He was only home for ten days after that when he started coughing up blood and ended up back in hospital. Thankfully, he's back home again and doing okay though they had to stop his chemo when he got the infection and he's still too weak for them to start it again.

We're approaching Christmas with mixed feelings. Positive regarding DH. This time last year, he was very ill and hadn't been diagnosed. He could barely eat at all and Christmas was awful. This year he's so much better and we're looking forward to a much better Christmas. However, we're sad about Dad as it looks very likely that this will be his last Christmas with us. Plus he's unable to eat or drink at all now so what sort of Christmas will he have? Or my mum who feels guilty eating in front of him and definitely won't be making a Christmas dinner for herself or buying any Christmas goodies.

For anyone who hasn't read any of my threads before, DH and Dad both have cancer of the oesophagus. Dad was diagnosed five years ago, DH in February.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 10/11/2007 16:18

I think this thread is a wonderful idea - bumping it for you!

mummydoit · 10/11/2007 21:25

Thanks! I'm hoping there will be some others along soon who might find it useful.

OP posts:
Emzy5 · 10/11/2007 21:32

my dad died in feb 2 years ago and i can sympathise with you about the christmas situation. it's hard. he had lung cancer and couldn't really eat anything, he just had these high calorie shake things. it was weird. we tried to keep it light and happy but he was so ill and in the back of my mind i kept thinking 'this is the last time for this...' and 'this is the last time for that' etc. however, we managed and we DID laugh and he was happy watching us all chatting and opening presents etc.

i can't imagine how you must feel with your dh being sick too. i hope you can find the strength to stay positive, i am sure that's how your dad would like to see you.

christmas is strange without dad now. i find that i'm a bit more emotional at this time of year too.

onlyjoking9329 · 10/11/2007 21:36

Hello there, mummydoit. good idea to set up this thread
glad to see you have some positive news about your DH.
sad to see things are not so good for your dad.
Christmas is a difficult time when you have so much uncertainty.

mummydoit · 10/11/2007 21:37

Sorry to hear about your dad, Emzy. With mine, we don't really believe it's happening. When he was diagnosed five years ago, he was only given six months to live and it was touch and go whether he'd see that Christmas. We spent that one convinced it would be his last. Then he made a terrific recovery and we've had five wonderful years with him. I guess we're all hoping he's going to do it again, even though logically we know it's not going to happen as he's not on any chemo.

As for DH, I'm going through a phase of not really thinking about his cancer too much. He's not having any treatment and is really well in himself so it's easy to pretend everything is okay. I'm determined that this Christmas is going to be the best for him, just in case things take a turn for the worse next year.

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 10/11/2007 21:46

Hello emzy, sorry to hear about your Dad.
My DH has been poorly since december last year and was finally DX with a brain tumour in august this year, he has had some of the tumour removed but they can't remove it all so he has been told he has 3-6 months thou could get more time if the treatment works.
he finished his 6 weeks of radio & chemo yesterday so we are now in limbo waiting for he scan and results on 11th december.

Emzy5 · 10/11/2007 21:48

mummydoit, your dad's story is just like mine. when he was diagnosed they gave him 6 months. he had chemo and rt and bounced back like a spring chicken! then we had five lovely years where he was like my old dad again, he put back the weight and went back to work and was happy. when he started to get sick again i think we all thought he'd bounce back. he was a strong man, worked in physical labour his whole life. when christmas approached i realised just how sick he was. after christmas we found out that he had become addicted to the morphine he was on for the pain and that was the reason why he could hardly eat etc. it was a shock to us all including him. they changed him on to some other drugs and he perked up again. then a month later he died.

it's funny but it was five years coming, there wasn't a day when i didn't think about it, but when he died i still felt so shocked.

it's very hard on you though and you must take a little time for yourself here and there, not to worry or think about anyone (impossible i know). what i mean is that at the time i felt totally guilty for not spending every second with my dad. really no one can live like that.

this christmas will be a special one for you and you will enjoy it because you'll appreciate every second of it. try not to worry, things will fall into place.

Emzy5 · 10/11/2007 21:50

onlyjoking, have you got a support network to help you through this difficult time? i'm so sorry to hear that x

mummydoit · 10/11/2007 21:54

Glad you found the thread, OJ. I hope you can take some confort and hope from what happened to my Dad and Emzy's Dad. The doctor's aren't always right when they give a prognosis and let's hope Steve has years rather than months.

OP posts:
Emzy5 · 10/11/2007 21:59

indeed, time is a funny thing.

i remember saying to someone, 'when this or that happens how will i cope?' and they said that you must take each day as it comes. i think it's the best piece of advice i was ever given. just one day at a time.

onlyjoking9329 · 10/11/2007 22:08

Steves prognosis would be much better if they had been able to remove it but as it stands he has 4 peices of tumour that they can't remove, the radio hopefully will have shrunk them but he has had all the radiotherapy they can give him so it will just carry on growing now. i did read a story about a bloke in US who had a GBM4 and they were able to remove it all.
on the brain tumour forum all the people have the same type of tumour the longest anyone has survived on there is 13 months most are much shorter.

Emzy5 · 10/11/2007 22:10

how is he dealing with it oj?

onlyjoking9329 · 10/11/2007 22:18

well he has very bad memory loss so most of the time he forgets what the oncologist has told us and of course when he is like that i don't remind him, the three kids don't know what is happening either.

Emzy5 · 10/11/2007 22:19

how difficult for you to bear this on your shoulders alone. how old are your kids?

Emzy5 · 10/11/2007 22:22

just had a look at your page, you deserve a medal. it never fails to amaze me how strong some people are.

your kids are beautiful too

onlyjoking9329 · 10/11/2007 22:25

the kids are 13.13 and 10 and are very lovely.

Emzy5 · 10/11/2007 22:28

i hope you have people to turn to when you need them. if you ever want a chat you can mail me on em_emzy at hotmail dot com.

goodnight x

lennygirl · 10/11/2007 22:41

Message withdrawn

lennygirl · 10/11/2007 22:46

Message withdrawn

onlyjoking9329 · 11/11/2007 15:10

thamks for that link. cancerbacup and macmillan are also good

mommydear · 11/11/2007 17:31

My dad was diagnosed with stage 3-4 stomach cancer in October and there is a tumour thats on his pancreas that they couldnt take out. I'm from South Africa and got hooked on Mumsnet when I had my dd in May. It is very hard for us, as we are very close to my mom and dad. My dad started with chemo two weeks ago and was very weak today. I don`t know how we are going to get trough this. My poor mom. I wish there was more I could do. My dad was very active (playing volley ball with us) and it is so hard to see him like this.

onlyjoking9329 · 11/11/2007 18:26

it is hard to see the changes isn't it, is you Dad having any other treatment?
the treatment is very tiring i know my DH does a lot of sleeping

LaCerbiatta · 11/11/2007 18:46

A friend of mine has breast cancer. It's a very invasive one, so much so that it can't even be operated... . It was dxed almost 2 years ago and she's been on different types of chemo, hoping it would shrink it enough for surgery, but it hasn't yet. I'm not close to her, so we only speak on the phone. What I find really hard when speaking to her is how casual she is about it... I know this sounds really silly, but she doesn't give the impression that she knows how bad it is. I really don't know if she knows but wants to keep high spirits or if she is truly expecting that it will be ok in the end... I also worry when things start getting irreversibly bad,, what can I say to her? I really don't know...

I feel a bit of an intruder in this thread as I (thankfully) don't have any one close with cancer, but I would really appreciate your suggestions.

And I hope it all goes as well as possible with your loved ones dealing with this terrible illness.

mummydoit · 11/11/2007 19:44

Mommydear, you will get through because we all do. The thought of what we have to face is overwhelming but somehow you find the strength to deal with it. Are your parents still in South Africa? It's very hard to be far away at a time like this. My Dad is 250 miles away and that is bad enough as I can't pop round every couple of days to see him. The best thing you can do for your mum is to keep asking how she is. Everyone always asks after the patient but often forgets it's just as hard for the person caring fo them.

tugamommy, your friend probably knows full well how bad things are but very few people actually come out and say it. DH's cancer is incurable but that doesn't stop us hoping that he will be with us for years to come, even though we know it's unlikely. You just can't focus on the worst possible scenario all the time or you'd go mad. Putting it out of your mind is a survival tactic and that's probably what your friend is doing. As for what you can say to her, just let her know you're there if she needs to talk but don't push it. Some people (like my DH and my Dad) never want to talk about it. Some people (like me) prefer to talk things through. Respect what she wants and be there if she needs you. And don't worry about intruding on this thread. It's for anyone, absolutely anyone, affected in any way by cancer.

OP posts:
daizydoo · 11/11/2007 20:06

Hi, think this is a great thread!

We've had abit of a rollercoaster week in our house as mum has just been diagnosed with cancer of the thyroid. It is supposed to be very treatable but still a worry. Its also a nightmare because the whole family will be out of the country over the Christmas period, now mum is talking about staying behind on her own

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