Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

HI BM and others.

Cubby, please keep posting on here when you're feeling so bad, anything to take your mind off these thoughts when they're so intense.

Is there anyone who can help you at all?

Thinking of you, I'm so glad you posted.

BM, so glad you got to a meeting, I hope you got something from it.

Wishing you peace.

Cubby how are you feeling today? It's good to get stuff off your chest, it's like releasing a safety valve and sometimes it makes things a bit clearer when all the words come out at once (hope that makes some sense). How do I send you a hug through the computer ?

Fantastic BM! really glad you were able to make a meeting. Hope it went ok. Let us know.

Hi Kokeshi, DH away til last night, bit of a craving but managed not to open a bottle, I ate loads of chocolate instead, and have started writing short stories again to channel my energy into something else. At the moment, I feel not drinking is like a series of hurdles, Dh being away, family coming to stay etc. I've just got to get through them (or should that be over them?)

Hi to everyone else, hope all is well in your corner of the world.

Oldlush - well done. It is like a series of hurdles. I'm really pleased for you.

Cubby I've been thinking of you today. I really hope you're doing better. You're posts last night were so open and although I can't empathise I do sympathise. I often feel like my life is just a boring mass of stress without drink. You've got loads on your plate - please don't feel like your crashing/hijacking by letting it out on here. I've gone on an on about my DS and his autism and although it might be irrelevent to my drink problem it matters to me.

I went to the AA meeting last night. It was easier than before and I didn't cry, but I still don't really get it. I listened and I enjoyed some of it, but I don't know how to move on from that. It feels like such a massive effort to get there and i don't know if I need to be there, can benefit from it, can commit to it, want to commit to it.

Sorry about spelling mistakes above. I usually preview in Word before I send but don't have the enthusiasm tonight. I'm pissed as usual. I don't feel better but I don't feel quite as fucked off as I did earlier.

I think I should stop posting for a while. I won't stop being honest on here because it's pointless if I do, but if I was reading this I'd be really fucking irritated.

Right BM, when's the next meeting? I believe weekends are the hardest for you right? Are you on your own?

If so, good, you have a chance to get in a daily meeting - which with how difficult you are finding staying stopped - is the minimum you need.

OK, so it happened yesterday, nothing you can so about that, but you CAN decide not to drink today.

There's no way you could possibly precict how AA will work for you, it takes months and years to start feeling the benefits. You just have to trust that it will. You know you're quite far down the spiral, yes? It's much easier to continue downwards of course and you will get to the destination quicker. Just look at your sister.

Recovery from alcohol can't be analysed intellectually, if so, Alcoholics Anonymous wouldn't exist. You must give the illness the respect it deserves.

Before you do anything else today have a think about what you seriously need to do. I'll remind you - there are two outcomes to this and that is guaranteed for an alcoholic who continues to drink: insanity or death.

You have a chronic and terminal disease, it's not going to just clear up on it's own.

OK, harsh words over. Today's a new day...embrace it.

Hello, BM....ditto Kokeshi, really, there is no way you should expect yourself to 'get' AA or how it works for you for ages. Why not give yourself a few meetings, with suspended disbelief? You don't have much to lose, bar the effort of getting there - I do understand that, I have to overcome my own resistance at times, but honestly? The effort of being drunk is far greater.

Take care of yourself, and if you want to go to a meeting in SW London on Sunday night I'm going to one...be v nice to meet you.

Hello Kokeshi and Elibean. No worries about harsh words Kokeshi - I appreciated your post and I know you're right, both of you are. I'm in a lot of emotional pain today and I've been drinking since early. I had a couple of shots left in the bottle and I drank them to stop the shaking. That fuelled my trip to the off-licence and I'm half way down a 70cl bottle now.

Elibean, I'd love to meet you. I'll CAT you about the meeting tomorrow. I'm a physical and emotional mess though so...sorry in advance. I'll be on a downer tomorrow as I won't drink if I'm going to a meeting and I get really low when the alcohol starts to filter out.

DS is away for the weekend with EX-P. They've gone down to the south coast and I just phoned them to make sure they are alright. DS woke up in an angelic mood yesterday and said 'I'm going to be a good boy', and he has been. Sports day was non-competitive (thank fuck) and the sun was shining. DS looked lovely in his little shorts and t-shirt and I've got a load of photos of all of us. In truth the photos of me were enough to send me to the off-licence. I'm disgusted with my face and weight.

I'm really sorry that I've let everyone down so much. The past few weeks have been the worst ever and I feel like I've lost the battle and I don't know if I've got the energy, patience, stamina, will-power etc to keep on with this. I've had a few times where I've thought about suicide in the past (not for any length of time, but long nights where I've seen it as an option), but now I've moved on from that and drink has become like a living suicide where I have this way out and I can take it anytime I like but still get up and get on the next day. There's nothing fun about this anymore, it's like being in a living hell and I'm so scared of losing that 'living suicide' because I know there's something in me that needs it, but I'm scared that I might actually die if I carry on.

I'm really sorry to be so depressive. I'm not even depressed. Today has already been lost, but tomorrow I'll make an effort, I won't drink and hopefully I'll feel how I should feel again.

Elibean, hope you're not reading this and thinking 'shit, I'm not looking forward to this meeting now'. I'm very different in reality.

Elibean, I've CATTED you but I'm not sure how long they take to go through. My email is sjencro at aol dot com. Thanks

don't let set backs put you off, BM
it's a long road and nobody thinks it is an easy one

BM, got your CAT - have emailed you, but my email is playing up and it takes ages to get through. It will, though! Don't worry about what state you might be in - everyone there will have been in a similar one at some point. I found it excruciating at first to even be looked at, never mind speak to anyone or at the end of the meeting, but if you can its the fastest way to feel ok about being there!

You haven't let anyone down. It's a disease and it's very hard to beat.

ps no, not reading that post and thinking 'shit', reading it and thinking 'thank god BM thinks she's lost the battle', 'cos you have - and knowing it is the most important thing. Makes room for better times, whereas being in the battle leaves NO room for anything. Or anyone. xx

Hi BM, we chatted on your other thread. Been lurking on this one. Just want you to know that you haven't let anyone down. Tomorrow is another day. Thinking of you.x

BM, have been lurking for a few weeks because of my sister but I have to say something - your words in your posts are an exact (I mean it) replica of my sister's increasingly desperate please for help.You are just a few weeks/months behind my sister's rapid disintergration into slow suicide - she didn't 'get' AA, she couldn't cope with the GP's pre detox detox, she couldn't cope with the NHS alcohol counsellors and she eventually moved into a hotel room in Eastbourne so - in her own words - she could allow herself to drink herself to death because that was what was going to happen and she didn't want witnesses'. Eventually, after chasing her across Beachy Head 3 weeks ago we did what we should have done some months ago, and stopped listening, stopped taking the phone calls, and said if that's what you intend to do, do it. 24 hours later, she was in a rehab clinc. She's very very fragile, but she's getting there. I guess you drink for all the same shitty reasons and self hatred that she did. IME there is very little stong NHS support out there, but if you are lucky you might get it in time. Go and see your GP and ask him or her for help again. Find out what you have to do to get it. That may mean being prescribed Librium and having to have someone stay with you while you take it. Then therapy. And so on. I am sorry to be harsh, and I'm too close to this, but you are getting a lot of attention from MN and while that tells you how much we all care it is not helping. You need to help yourself. Sorry.

callmeadam, you're post wasn't harsh. I didn't like this bit though "you are getting a lot of attention from MN". I've never been up for attention and I'd stop posting sraight away if I thought this thread was attracting attention rather than being a discussion and a source of support. I'n not suicidal and I'm never going to call anyone and expect them to talk me out of suidide.

I also have a sister who is a chronic alcoholic/drug addict and although we are different, our addictions are similar. We are different though, and I'd stop posting with immediate effect if anyohe thought I was trying to gain sympathy or attention. I post for many different reasons but never to gain attention. I've always hoped that someone out there might be reading and might stop themselves from becoming a total fuck-up like me, or someone might be able to recognie their loved ones in my posts. It's never been about attention seeking though.

I'm genuinely sad to hear about your sister. I have a sister going throug similar problems and I know all about the pain involved in it. I hope it has a positive outcome.

Callmemadam

I read your post wrong last night and thought you were calling me an attention seeker. I'm sorry about that - my judgement is off when I've been drinking.

I don't need librium because I'm not physically dependant on alcohol now. I was dependant a couple of months ago when I was drinking daily and bingeing everytime DS was at his dad's, but I did a reduction plan rather than a medical detox. I don't need to do it again as I'm not drinking daily anymore - just bingeing at the weekends.

I know I have to help myself and I've always tried to keep these threads supportive and open to everyone. There have been times when I've really needed to log on and see posts wishing me well and encouraging me to work through the cravings and not pick up a drink - I'm embarrassed about that and feel exposed. I think that came out in my drunk post last night where I was very defensive - I'm sorry.

It was pretty easy to stay sober at first and I don't know if that was because I was being jollied along on here and by EX-P in real life, or because I could really see the benefits of a sober life. That's changed in the past few weeks and the thought of not having alcohol again is really frightening.

I have drunk today, but not much. I finished off the bottle to delay the hangover and now I'm going back to bed. I'm going to a meeting tonight (I'll be sober by then).

Thanks for the support last night.

I haven't read the whole thread but I wanted to post my story. I hope it helps.

My husband admitted that he had a problem with alcohol when our son was 4 weeks old. He had been drinking every day for 6 months or so. To be perfectly frank I didn't notice - he'd always had a drink or 3 every evening. In fact, I'd noticed him drinking less during my pregnancy and thought this to be a sign he was preparing himself for fatherhood.

It wasn't - in fact, he was drinking secretly in the garage. On the day I was admitted to hospital he was drunk. Again, I had no clue.

Looking back he hid it all very well. The empties were stored in our garage which I couldn't enter because of my SPD.

It sounds ridiculous in hindsight but I didn't even notice the smell of alcohol.

My husband was confronted by his parents who tried to shield me from the problem because of my pregnancy. However I don't think even they knew the extent of the problem - my husband really was managing to function.

When my husband finally admitted he had a problem he was drinking every day. He went of to the GP and was prescribed anti-depressants and given advice about how to cut down. He went to a counsellor who advised him to cut down and become a social drinker.

This I think gave him the excuse he needed to continue drinking and things went from bad to worse. I had to physically restrain him from leaving the house one day. He had a plastic bottle full of vodka and a car full of empties. He was irrational and we seriously considered getting him into a residential unit that day.

My husband was, and is, a lovely, caring, thoughtful man. I nearly lost him to alcohol. That week he went to the AA who were wonderful. They came to the house and talked him through what he needed to do.

For the first few weeks he went to meetings nearly every day. With encouragement he spoke to his director at work who supported him and accompanied him to meetings. His new AA friends were there when he needed them.

Six months later he not had a drink since that first week of AA meetings. With advice he cut down his intake and upped his intake of sugar to compensate. He still attends meetings and he is very grateful that he has kept his family, his job, and his health.

We are not complacent and we know that he will have to attend meetings for the forseeable future.

For those who think they cannot stop, you can. My son was born at the height of my husband's addiction and it would have been a tragedy if he had not grown up with his father. For me, it was a stark choice. Give my husband the chance to beat the addiction or leave immediately. I do not want my son to live with the man who drinks.

However my lovely, sober husband is a better man for what has happened. I am so proud of him and I tell him every day. When our son is old enough to understand we will tell him about it too.

I have lots of guilt - that I should have spotted it, that he drank because of me. But the truth is he drank because he wanted to and eventually he drank because he had to.

The AA saved his life and our marriage.

That is a great post oyu.I too stuck by dp through AA and I don't think you have to 'get'it straight away either.Although I suspect you are rejecting it because it really does mean no more alcohol and you are scared of that.Drinking in the morning and getting back into bed is not living so I urge you for your son's sake and your own to just go to AA day in day out as if it is a pill you have to take.It is an illness and AA is the frug ime that does work but you have to keep taking it and you will get there.Imagine how you would like your daily life to be and keep that in mins when you next feel you need to drink I really hope you get through this

Thanks Noddyholder.

Our lives are very different without alcohol. Things are easier. We have more money. Nights with friends aren't followed by embarassment. My husband is enjoying work again and he finds it much, much easier to cope with stress.

He thought he drank because he was stressed. He thinks now he was stressed because of the effects of the alcohol on his day to day life.

You've made the first step; you have admitted you have a problem. The AA can and will help, you just need to ask for it. Members from the AA came to our house to talk to my husband when he most needed it. They shared their phone numbers. They rang for chats. They shared their stories.

My husband didn't get it at first - but then he didn't really want to stop drinking at first either. When he asked for help he got it.

I was not alcohol dependent but I have made the decision not to drink too. I don't miss it and neither does my husband.

OYu - you are SO right - the alcohol counsellor's repeated advice to my sister to cut down DID give her the impetus to carry on. BM - you are correct in that I don't think you are attention seeking - but you are kidding yourself. Right now you have only gone back to binging a few nights a week, but very soon that will be every night again. Noddyholder is so right - going back to bed is not living. BUT, and this is the big BUT, right now you can't see this life changing. It will, but only if you confront your alcoholism and ask for help from RL sources - AA, your GP and so on. If you don't, insanity and death are the outcome. You do need Librium if you really intend to stop: Librium will help to control the cravings while you detox, but addiction counselling, therapy AA etc are what you need to stay stopped. Trust me, I've heard every excuse in the book from my sister to avoid having proper treatment, and that's one of them.

I really really hope you can find it in yourself to get the RL help you desperately need.

How are you BM?

I've read the whole thread now. How are you doing BrassicMonkey? I've been thinking of you.

Hello everyone. I'm fine at the moment. I'm very drunk and shitting myself about the school run - do I stink of alcohol? I've been trying to reduce today to make tomorrow a bit easier and I've litteraly sweated buckets - is it really that hot outside? My period arrived yesterday and that's just made me feel more smelly, but I am less stressed.

I cancelled the meeting with Elibean. I woke up and tried to hydrate myself with soft drinks but there was more vodka in the bottle so I drank it to delay the hangover. I really believed that I'd just drink the last few shots as a 'hair of the dog', but I was pissed very quickly and at the off-licence soon after. Some bloke had a go at me on the way back and it's bothered me all day. I don't know what his problem was and I think I reacted as I would have if I was sober - it's pissed me off all day though.

I rang EX-P this afternoon to check on DS. His answer phone was on and all of this came tumbling out. He's been great and he left DS with a relative and came and got rid of all the empties that I'd hid. I was talking rubbish and I hope he doesn't remind me of it tomorrow.

OYU - good luck to you and DH. I really appreciated your post and am humbled by the loyalty you showed to DH. I'm not at all sure that I could have been so devoted when DS was a tiny baby. xxx

EX-P is staying tonight as I worry that DS might need me in the night and there's no way I'd wake up to him. We have a new favourite song - Gwen Steffani 'Sweet Escape' and it breaks my heart to see my beautiful little boy dancing around the living room and going 'woooh woooh, yeeee whoooh'. That's totally irrelevent but it's made me laugh and cry tonight and I wanted to share it.

Thank for posting. CallMeMadam - I'm really relieved that you posted again. I'm very sorry that I was so ridiculous last night

It is hard to know if you reacted in the same way as you would have done sober. As I said in an earlier post, I didn't even notice that my husband was drinking at the time. However now lots of things make sense and indicate that there was a problem.

He stopped taking care of his appearance, for example. We didn't talk as much, mainly because he was out in the garage drinking and I sat alone in the living room. He slept lots, very heavily and snored very, very loudly. He wasn't angry or violent but got upset very easily. He was very forgetful and we often argued because of it.

This is a long way of saying that alcohol is affecting you more than you realise. OK, so you've had a drink today. I don't know how much you drink but you probably know that it is dangerous to just stop. I suspect that you are dependent, although you say you aren't.

You can stop though with the right support. My husband took some sort of drug (I forget which) and reduced his intake gradually over a week. He upped his sugar intake at the same time and his AA friends gave him orange juice to help. He also ate lots of sweets to keep up his blood sugar.

Tomorrow is another day.