Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

Hi everyone, am back again, have namechanged (was soso) and have drank three bottles of wine a night since Thursday. I am sorry I haven't been around to offer support, am just feeling very down.

Hi everyone. Oldlush ? well done on your first sober week and good luck for the week ahead

Kokeshi, yes I suppose I am getting to know myself for the first time and I feel really exposed. I don?t know if I really knew the pre-alcoholic me that well, but my life has changed so much since then that I?m not her anymore anyway. Accepting that I?m disappointed with my life, that I didn?t try hard enough to achieve things that most 31 year olds have, looking in the mirror and seeing my real face and body and not imagining that I still look how I did at 25, admitting that I?m lonely and?bloody hell, loads of other things that are too cringey to type or even think about. All those things are painful.

Thanks for posting about your DX of complete hearing loss. I think to have had the strength to walk out of the supermarket without a bottle is amazing. You must have felt completely gutted and I bet the urge to say ?f*ck it? was overwhelming. How are you getting on with the implant now? I haven?t seen your thread in Active Convos for ages.

Hellobello ? No, I didn?t feel comfortable with my body at 15 or at any other time and it really pisses me off when I think about it now. I?ve never had an eating disorder and I?ve never self-harmed, but I must have had a really distorted self image because I look back at photos now and think ?what was the problem?? I was always on some self improvement drive and I wish I?d have just enjoyed my youth. I?ve certainly got a lot less to feel good about now than I did back then ? what a waste!

Naswm, DS is fine physically but not very good behaviour wise. He?s not sleeping much and it?s affecting his moods, leading to tantrums. His dad is collecting him from school this afternoon and I?m looking forward to a break from it. I?m worn out from trying to get him to go to sleep. Nothing works and his paediatrician is adamant that we can?t have melatonin anymore to help with it. I?m feeling angry about that today.

Hi Biscuit. That is a lot of wine, I didn?t realise you were drinking that much . Keep posting, I find it really helps me to get some perspective and keep calm.

HAve you called AA yet BM? Just do it!

Well done oldlush.

Biscuitfiend, what's up?

Hello BM, Kokeshi, all. Thank you for the inspiring tale about the hearing loss, Kokeshi and thank you all for posting about what is happening. Just to let you know I am keeping in touch and wishing everyone well on this thread.

kokeshi - what kind of childhood makes one vulnerable to becoming an addict in adulthood? I'm really curious. This area fascinates me.

naswm, sorry I missed you last night. You sounded like you needed company. Come back and tell some more about what's going on?

BM, ah, the horrible truths of oneself. I had an absolutely awful self-image as a child which just got worse and worse until I left school, went punk and found a way to channel a lot of my self-hatred through art and writing. Booze is much easier of course. I somehow didn't think of doing that when I was younger, probably the experience of seeing my dad drunk or the fear my mum put into me of ever getting drunk.

Hi Kokeshi. I avoided posting about AA yesterday because I feel like such an idiot. I found a local daytime meeting but bottled it at the bus stop. Came home crying and called the woman that I went with last time. She's coming to a meeting with me tomorrow night. After that I'll try and do it on my own again.

IF, that's great that you found a way to express yourself creatively - horrible that you felt the self-hatred, but I suppose it's better to channel those feelings into something postive. I've never been good at anything creative and sometimes wonder if I fall into the autistic spectrum like DS, but obviously very mildly. I had a great time a few years ago studying to re-take my Maths GCSE . I never took it but spent many drunk nights on the internet re-discovering trigonometry and algebra - that is possibly the most embarrassing thing I've admitted to on here

My sister got in touch last week. I don't know if anyone will remember but she is also an alcoholic and she walked out of rehab a month or so ago. She's in a new relationship with a really odd bloke and she's back on the booze big time. She wants to move away from the area (and further away from her 8 year old DD). All she will say regarding my niece is that it will be nice to 'see' her again when she's more settled. I heard this through my mum yesterday and it put me on downer. I know I have no right to judge her but I feel so sad for her little girl - she doesn't even ask how her mum is

I told EX-P last night that I'd relapsed a few times. I didn't tell him how much I'd drunk but he knew I'd been hiding bottles as he'd seen an off-licence bag and went through the bin and recycling box looking for empties. He's still being supportive but naturally his patience is wearing thin.

How is everyone else doing? Hidesit and Cubby are you both ok?

Oh don't worry about that, it's a scary time for you. That's why I found enlisting the help of a 12th stepper so helpful in the beginning - I really had no choice in going once I'd asked. I knew that I didn't have a good enough excuse to cancel, and if I did they would know exactly why!

It does feel a bit odd handing things over to someone else but in a way it's a relief as well. You're in safe hands.

Remember don't base your decision on only one meeting, get as many in as possible and tell the woman what you're looking for. Most women in AA are sympathetic to our concerns (that's why women's meetings exist), and I found them much easier to connect with at first.

This can be a new chapter in your life if you stick at it, and the possibilities for you are infinite. I'm 31, same age as you, and had nothing 4 years ago. I didn't recognise the person who I'd become - sober me was a frightened child.

I could never have believed that it was possible to reach a stage of relative peace and contentment, but I have and for most of the time it's tangible. Sobriety isn't an immunity from all the shit that life throws at you, but it makes it so much easier to deal with.

Keep posting, I actually thought your wee story about the algebra and trig was sweet

That's really sad about your sister, but you'll probably be given some advice when you go to AA. That's a situation you're powerless over and as hard as it is, you have to accept that's the way your sister is.

That's what we're all striving for, the acceptance of things we are powerless over. You heard of the serenity prayer? Great mantra when you're in a tough position...

We work out what we can change, if anything, in a situation and seek the courage to act or acceptance of it.

ImaginaryFriend, the most common general theme you'll find is that emotionally immature parents - who haven't themselves been taught any coping strategies - will pass this on to their children. Shame features really dominantly as well.

You might be interested in John Bradshaw. Many of my friends in AA have been helped immensley in understanding themselves after doing some of the work from his books.

BM I thought your mathematics online memory was really endearing actually. I hope you make it to an AA meeting today and are hanging in there?

Kokeshi - emotionally immature, do you mean can't control their temper / sadness? Blimey, shame was such a big deal in our home when I was a child. I read something recently about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is always about something so a child would feel guilty if they did something wrong. Whereas shame is when the child feels that they themselves are wrong. I was continually convinced of my deep intrinsic badness as a child. I try so hard to avoid dd feeling like that but she's so sensitive to any kind of criticism / punishment (in the loosest sense of the word) that I wonder if she does feel shameful. She'll crumple up into a ball on the sofa and refuse to look at me and just sob by herself for ages sometimes.

It's hard not to worry that inadvertently you might pass on some of your own crappy childhood isn't it?

I never really acknowledged just how abusive my parents were until quite recently. I thought that really I had an ordinary middle-class existence. I was fed and clothed and educated, but that's it. I am slowly coming to terms with the lies and the denial and it's painful and horrible having to go throught the same old crap all over again albeit from a slightly different angle. Alcohol provides a hiding place from all these horrible things but the thing about addictions is that you can't move on. You can't move away or learn about the awfulness of life. It is all preserved in booze. Sorry to be so inarticulate. At the moment I would so love some big friendly giant to hold me and say that everything will be ok. I'll have to hold myself as dh is trying to sort his stuff out.

It's a huge area, and of course everyone's experiences are different. I do think that a greater understanding of how your own parent's inability to deal with their emotions is passed on helps you break that cycle of dysfunction.

Much of Bradshaw's work is not about apportioning blame - it's about saying well yes, my parents did this and that but they did the best with what they had. It frees you as a child from feeling responsible, and acknowledges that they themselves as children probably went through something equally painful.

That sounds quite simplistic but it's quite painful when you open up old deep wounds from your childhood. Very cathartic though.

It's very very hard to be responsible for your own happiness, to allow other people to prat about without getting fussed. It's hard to be understood without upsetting other people. Dh is driving me mad because he expects me to do the things he's not doing. I can't do his thinking for him and there are times when you have to do things for yourself.

It's so much easier said than done, isn't it! I find that it's much easier not to drink when I have something important to do in the morning, otherwise hangovers don't matter much to me. I am so bored with getting pissed.

Kokeshi - I love the serenity prayer and only recently discovered that AA use it as a sort of mantra. DS was born with a cosmetic issue and I had lots of drastic ideas (well...surgery) but in the end it came down to accepting it rather than trying to change it. I cried when they read that prayer out at the meeting - it's very emotive for me and I still haven't got over DS's physical difference (although I know most people don't notice it).

I could really break down tonight. I got DS's school report and Paed. report today and it's f*cking sports day on Friday. The reports wern't particularly upsetting, just lacking in any positivity. I was trying to keep sports day a secret from EX-P as he doesn't accept that he has SN and will be expecting DS to win races and I think he's going to come last in everything because he won't understand what he's supposed to be doing. EX-P's mother works at the school and she told him about it so now we're going together. So, now I'm looking forward to EX-P blaming the teachers, the other kids, the weather etc for DS not being good at sports, and then I'll have to deal with an angry 5 year old after school

I'm not going to drink tonight. I'm here on my own with DS and he's in bed. It's really hard to understand why I drink most of the time but right now I know at least one of the reasons is to block out the pain. If I drank tonight I'd cry and get rid of the emotions. It wouldn't get rid of the problem of course but the lump in my throat would be replaced by puffy eyes.

IF I'm going to a meeting tomorrow night. I worry about passing my insecurities and issues on to DS as well. I never thought I'd feel like that pre-DS - I thought I'd be a proper 'grown up'.

Hellobello - I went through a stage of being really angry with my parents, particularly my mum, when I was pregnant with DS. I think it was because I was so protective of my bump and at the time my parents were going through yet another seperation and I was stunned by how possessive she was over anyone else having contact with my dad, and it felt like she didn't give a shit who she was hurting as long as she 'won'. It was probably mainly due to pregnancy hormones but it was like being a child again and I didn't really stop crying at all for the month before DS's birth. It was 5 years ago now and I just put it out of my mind mainly. I know my dad had it a million times harder than me and my sister when he was a kid and I know my mum did her best under impossibly hard circumstances. I'm not saying that's the same for you and I don't know what you're family issues are/were. I'm really sorry that you're going through these emotions

How are you this morning BM? I drank a tin of beer last night although anything fizzy would have done.

We're moving out of our house and it's really stressful. We have Yardie gangs outside our house (literally) and we can barely move for them. Dd is finding it quite frightening and isn't sleeping. The council is doing nothing and is waiting for a few people to be shot.

Drink isn't such a good painkiller, is it? I find it just makes me drunker and drunker. The awfulness is still there in the morning but amplified.

My parents behaved appallingly and I think that I have pretty much come to terms with that. It was a bit like being brought up by the under 5s except with more grown-up things going on. What has shaken me in recent times is that my brother is behaving like a carbon-copy of my dad. (Wife-beating and bullying).

I would be horrified if I were to abuse my own children in such a destructive and terrifying way. I am shocked that my brother is so unbelievably stupid.

I'm ok again this morning HB. DS has been in a bad mood all week and I'm pretty sick of that. Had a ridiculous situation this morning where he demanded an apology for waking him up mid-dream, and wouldn't get out of bed until I'd said sorry. Then we had a string of mini-tantrums about everything from me touching the bathroom door first to him having to wear a blue t-shirt to school when he really wanted a green one. I can't wait until the summer holidays now as I think his behaviour might be due to hearing about changing classes in the next school year, and him not really understanding what it's all about. I think he's anxious and worried

I think I understand how you feel about your brother. My sister's complete lack of interest in her DD is sooooo similar to how my dad is, and it makes me so angry and disgusted with her. I wish I could say that without feeling like a hypocrite though.

Do you still have contact with your brother or do you hear about him through your parents/friends? I would have lost contact with my sister years ago if it wern't for my mum filling me in and trying to arrange for us all to be a 'proper family' together. I get really pissed off with listening to it and so irritated with my mum saying 'I've washed my hands of her now', and then in the next breath telling me how she's given her money and how she wouldn't be 'much of a mum' if she turned her back on her. It makes me feel like I'm not a real part of my family and am just there to listen. It never occurs to anyone that I worry about my sister too and that it actually hurts a lot to hear about how she's destroying herself, and I get so angry with my mum and dad effectively enabling her to behave like this by giving her money to buy drink/drugs and doing all her housework for her. If I say anything it sounds like I'm bitter and jealous, which I'm not. I just think she might learn to take responsibility if she didn't have people who were saying 'there there, never mind'. It makes me want to scream 'she gave her DD up FFS! It's NOT alright'.

Sorry HB. That was a much needed rant. I don't talk about my sister in real life - I think I probably need to though.

It hurts a lot when things are clearly NOT alright. I can't stand the lies and deception. It is strange how families close ranks to protect dreadful behaviour. My parents are doing everything to protect my violent brother against himself. The Womens Aid website explains a lot about my family rather better than I can.

My mum told me today that one of my aunts is a little fond of whisky. So, it seems there's a lot of my family too who rely on drink for one reason or another. My dad drinks too much but it's not the reason for his bullying.

You're doing very well, BM to have stopped drinking for some time and then to have stopped again. It will get easier and the gaps between binges will get longer (mine seem to be getting shorter still). It took me a very long time to start forgiving myself and to stop beating myself up even more for doing stupid things. I took a taxi home once and forgot totally where I lived and we drove round and round the park until I had sobered up enough to stagger home. The taxi driver was brilliant and knocked on my door the following day to collect his fare. That was one of the better times.

I hope you get through your ds's sports day alright. You are probably much more perceptive than lots of people. Don't beat yourself up about it!

I think I may have fallen out with a friend because she didn't believe me about how bloody awful it is to live with a violent bully and that could happen in my family. She thinks my family is marvellous (deluded nutter)

HB, you sound like you're putting up with a lot yourself - you've always seemed like such a survivor to me. I always feel really fortunate when I read what people like yourself have to go through on a daily basis.

What I was talking about - accepting you a re powerless over others - is the ideal place to be but it's so so difficult when you're surrounded by problems.

I'm still affected by my parents drinking. They seem to be really blinkered about their own consumption and I constantly worry about them getting ill.

I still have a long way to go with trying to accept thie but my own DP is really helpful in reminding me just how futile it is to get upset about it. I guess I'm really lucky that DP has 13 years of sobriety and can see the bigger picture. I still have loads to learn but Alcoholics Anonymous offers that emotional support and empathy, just a safe place to be.

I hope you managed to get to a meeting tonight BM. Lets us know how you get on.

How are all the others? Oldlush you still managing?

I'm really sorry guys that I have not posted more supportively on here of late, and I really, really hope you don't mind me crashing, but I desperately need some support tonight. I feel as though I'm coming apart at the seams. I have been holding everything together for such a long time, and I guess I'm losing my grip just slightly..... Not only is my dh disabled, but he has been smoking cannabis on and off since he was 13. Heavily, since his accident 14 years ago. Consequences of this and the fall out from his accident mean that I am married to an emotional adolescent, and sometimes, just keeping everything together for the family, jollying along a mardy teenager (my dh a lot of the time) and pasting a smile on my face and keeping sweet for my ds (who fortunately is the light of my life and most times makes this bit easy) is so completely and utterly exhausting.

And today I just feel completely spent and as though I have absolutely nothing left to give to my relationship with dh. Which is really scary, because for the longest time he has been the love of my life (I fell for him very young, and we were married at 18) and yet more and more often lately I just want to scream at him to just bugger off out of my life coz it would all just be so much easier without him. (desperately about this)!

I also realise after many months of relection and self analysis that this is the root cause of why I drink; I am terrified that life sober with dh would be empty and unfulfilling (I hide from this fact the few hours when I'm not exhaustedly busy with ds, he's in bed and I'm drinking.) I am scared. No, I would even go so far as to say I am terrified, actually. I do love him, he has some lovely qualities, but I am so, so unbelievabley tired of constantly being the 'parent' - never being the one who can just kick back and be supported (not even when I was pg, truth be told, although I know that he tried his best )!

Shit, I just can't think about this any more, and yet I don't want to run away anymore either. Sorry for ranting, and the hijack, sorry, will pull myself together (as always) and be okay tomorrow. Hope you are all doing okay tonight guys, my thoughts are with you. Oh, and hi Kokeshi, sorry I've not been in touch much lately, not coz I haven't been thinking of you and the progress of the effects of your implant, just had a full head, as it were! And you to Brassic, you're my hero, hang in there kiddo. Love and {hugs}to you all.

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, sorry guys. is there a hate-myself emoticon?

sorry kokeshi, X posts.

Where's the big friendly giant for you, Cubby? (((((big hugs)))). You sound terribly lonely. it's no fun looking after the under-5s all the time and we all need someone to look after us a bit. Drinking doesn't do that but it does defer thinking about it. I don't know what to suggest. Do you still have a HV? Are you getting any outside help at all?

I must go...dd has woken up and says she's frightened. It is horrible feeling lonely and alone. I think she's ok but is feeling unsettled by the move.

Night all.

thanks hb. no, no hv. midwife was totally brill but obviously she's not around any more. Hope your dd is okay.
///////.....,,,,,,.....///// God the temptation to just finish this bottle of gin and then go and get in my car and drive it into the nearest wall... it's only the thought of my ds that keeps me from doing it. But then I think with a mother this shite, maybe he'd be better off without me. Dh would never cope alone, and so I guess he'd be adopted, which might be better for him in the long run. Sorry, part of me feels as though I'm just being dramatic and should pull myself together, but tonight a bigger part is just saying, 'do it'.

cubby - you ok?

Hi everyone. I should be in bed now so I'll post about the meeting tomorrow.

Cubby, I keep typing out posts and deleting them because I'm worried that I'll get it wrong. I can't go to bed without saying that your posts have really touched me tonight and I so relate to painting a smile on your face for the benefit of others. I'm really worried about you tonight. Please post tomorrow and let us know you're all right.

Life can be such a bastard sometimes . Look after yourself cubby xxx

cubby - I not been on msn this fore few days. bTU I came on tonigth and saw this thread before any othners. I am here for a bit, if ytou want to talk. I kno waht its liek to feel shit - talk to me. please. {{{{}}}}}