Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

OL that's really good that you didn't open a bottle - I'm impressed! We have had a bad week I'm afraid which started off with very good intentions. I feel so weak willed but know I can do it as did give up smoking about 12 years ago after many years heavy smoking. I think the problem is I just love a glass of wine or 3 at the end of the day. I love sitting down with DH and discussing the day/kids or whatever with a lovely drink. I think to break the cycle I will have to leave DH which may help. Perhaps I won't do that as seems a bit drastic. BM you are doing really well again. Hope the meeting goes well tonight - or was that last night. Anyway Hi to Kokeshi, Cubby, Hidesit and everyone else on this thread.
XX

I couldn't go to the meeting tonight. EX-P couldn't keep DS until late enough as he needs an early night. Feel a bit cross with him and a bit grateful as well - I wasn't looking forward to it much.

On my way past the off-licence today I thought about going in. I didn't, but I was going through all the usual BS about only getting a quarter bottle and just having half of it, then thinking that actually I could get a litre because if I have enough will power to only drink half of a quarter bottle, then it follows that I'd be able to only have a bit of a bigger bottle. Then imagining me having a bottle of vodka in the cupboard and indulging in an occasional, deserved drink whilst watching TV after DS has gone to bed each evening. AS IF!!! I piss myself off so much with this . Walked past and didn't look in but felt like shit because of it. It wouldn't have made me happy because I CAN'T bloody stick to a 3/4 or 7/8 etc...

I'm so pissed off tonight and I feel like drinking just to shut my miserable thoughts out. EX-P was supposed to bring DS home at 8 because he didn't want a late night. I'm still bloody waiting for them. Any later and I would have been able to go to a meeting.

AA would help you with strategies for dealing with those feelings,all that planning and bargaining with your own conscience is classic alcoholic behaviour and musdt be so difficult which is why without support emotionally many people do drink again or remain 'dry drunks' \\you have got the willpower sorted now you need the other.There are meetings in the day too if you can't do evenings

Hey BM, try not to get too worked up about missing a meeting tonight, make sure you can get to one as soon as possible though. This is VITAL for you.

Try and work out when is the next one and tell ex-p how important it is. If you told him how close you were to drinking tonight, I'm sure he would find a way to accommodate you. You need to be honest, with yourself and everyone around you.

This is a really dangerous time to try and do this by yourself. I know it's hard but please try to reach out.

Thinking of you, and good luck to all you others too.

x

How are you feeling this morning BM? Is DS still in school for the moment? The Scottish schools have just broken up for the holidays, but if you could check out a where to find, maybe there's a meeting nearby this afternoon? What are your plans for this weekend.

Can you phone the helpline number again and ask them to help you? There are always 12th steppers on hand to take people around - women for women - especially if you have no transport of your own. It's not so scary going in with someone and then members know you're a newcomer and will welcome you.

Keep a few of the more important maxims in your head when you're really struggling:

"Don't take the first drink, you can't get drunk"

Sounds simple but this is the first one that leads us to loss of control. The first drink sets up "the compulsion" and then you no longer have any say on the outcome.

"One's too many, one hundred's not enough."

Despite how much you bargain with yourself, you can't stop after the first quarter bottle, it's part of the illness. The obsession for drink tells you that it will be possible, the insanity part is repeating the the same behaviour and expecting different results.

They tell you to go to as many meetings as possible and it's good advice. You need to bring something else into your life and there's nothing like the understanding in a room full of recovering alcoholics. It's not night out for anyone in the beginning, but eventually you will - if you allow yourself - begin to see how it works.

But they also say "bring your body and your mind will follow". Many of us after giving up drink don't have any idea how to run our lives or cope with things. We'll need this support to get through this rough period before we can find our own coping mechanisms to deal with our emotions. For that, AA have the 12 step programme, which is a design for living sober.

First things first though, get your bum on a seat in a meeting and just listen, get phone numbers and keep going back.

Let us know how you go.

x

Hi Kokeshi. Thanks for you lovely post. It means a lot.

DS?s school don?t break up until the 19th. I?m looking forward to it as EX-P has the first 2 weeks off so it will be a proper break, and I really need that. Not to relax, but to get on top of things again and pass the ?catching up? phase.

I?m feeling ok today. It was mufty day at DS?s school and he wore his Arsenal shirt . I heard one of his class mates say to his mum ?I want a scooter with green wheels? (like DS?s) and I felt like I?d been a good mum because I chose it for him and he looked so cute scooting around the playground in colourful clothes rather than the dull navy uniform. I walked home feeling like the sun had come out a bit and it was a glimpse into the emotions that other people probably feel all the time but I?ve masked them with drunkuness or have just been too pre-occupied with when I can drink. It feels bittersweet thinking about it that way but it was such a positive feeling

I won?t be able to get to a meeting until Monday now because EX-P is away this weekend. I think I should try a daytime meeting like you said. It might be better for me as maybe more mum?s go to them. The meetings at night cause problems with DS?s bedtime and I don?t know why but I hate admitting where I?m going. I have to say though as otherwise EX-P will suspect that I?m going to drink if I ask him to bring DS back later. It really makes me cringe to tell him the truth ? like I?m being really needy and attention seeking. I hate it.

You?re right about just going. I think you said before that it was a leap of faith. It?s a hurdle for me (and I know that?s not unique). I?ll find a meeting for Monday afternoon and, no excuses, this time I?ll go. I can find a hundred reasons why I don?t need it and can?t fit it in, but I?m really just avoiding it. Thinking of approaching someone and asking them to be my sponsor scares me. I?d be crushed if they said no and that?s a big deal to me at the moment. I do want to move on because some days I feel worse than I did when I was drinking. I?m so miserable and worried about everything and I feel like an awful person ? I really hate myself. It?s not always the same but a lot of the time I want to drink to get away from myself.

How is everyone else doing today?

Sorry Noddy - meant to say hi to you as well. I read your's and Kokeshi's posts last night before bed but was too tired to respond. Thanks for keeping on posting

Hi BM, I hope you have a better weekend this time. I'll be thinking of you

BM - it was lovely to read your post about watching DS in the playground on his scooter. You sounded so cheerful!

I havent been on this thread for a very long while. But I am no stranger to it, IYKWIM.

How is everyone doing today? Weekends were always really difficult for me - I kept being reminded of how "normal" people could spend their time off, seeing them going to the pub sitting in the beer garden having a glass of wine etc.

I still see them but as time goes on I think about doing it less and less.

Let us know how you're doing BM, Oldlush, hellobello, Quattrocento, hidesit, naswm, Flowertop. Anyone else I've missed out, I apologise, I just scrolled down really quickly.

x

Hi Kokeshi. I'm not sure how I'm doing today really. I suppose I'm bitter about how normal people manage to enjoy a bit of alcohol at the weekend.

This weekend has been horrible so far. DS has been ill and I treated myself to a quarter bottle of smirnoff. It's almost all gone now and I keep topping up the glass with more diet coke kidding myself that there's still vodka in there.

I have to leave it there 'cos the offy's are all closed and DS is asleep. Am I the only drinker that thinks they understand themselves better whilst slightly intoxicated? Right now I think that I can only have a quarter bottle (if I have no choice - if I DID have a choice I'd be knocking it back and promising to be good from Monday), but the craving for more is like a physical pain.

I'm lonely again tonight and I'm pissed off. I hate my life, I hate my face and my body.

I'm gonna check the lottery results - If I've won I'm gonna find an 'out of hours offy', if not then I'll go to bed

BM, I really think you're going to have to be honest with your ex-p about where you're at now. This secrecy is just allowing you - and you know it - to continue drinking.

You may think you understand yourself, but all drink is doing is masking your real feelings and emotions.

You have to make a decision BM, and please do it before you get to the stage that I did. There is no get out clause with alcoholism, it's all downhill from here. You have to decide whether drink is more important to you than anything else, your DS included.

If I come across as harsh then it's only because I've been there - and further down that slippery slope. The reality for you as an alcoholic continuing to drink is bleak - insanity or death.

The illness is telling you that it will be OK just this once, you'll get away with it. A day's relapse can turn into weeks, months then years.

Please call AA, make a decision to go to a meeting that day and don't make any more excuses. The only reason you could possibly have is that you want to continue drinking.

I do understand how hard it is and I'll be thinking of you.

x

{{{{BM}}}}}

I am sorry you were feeling so shitty last night. Kokeshi's post is very good. And you know that already, dont you? As do I. But this isnt about me atm. But talking of me, I am feeling very guilty about the negative influece I have had on you, so will step back a bit. You are doing so well and I want you to continue to do so, without being thrown off balance by me.

you can do this BM. You know you can. You will do this. I have such respect for you.

Nx

Poor you BM.

I was thinking about you the other day because every now and then I feel a huge temptation to get a bottle of spirits and just let everything go but I'm so far down the line from doing that now that I'm not massively worried I will. Although I've often thought that if we lost dd I may well do it, it's dd who really keeps me completely on the straight and narrow. Anyway, sorry I'm rambling, I was remembering how absolutely desolate I felt when at the point of quitting that you're at. It was always such a dreadfully empty feeling of having absolutely nothing to replace the huge comfort I found in drinking. It's so hard to explain to anybody who hasn't been through this. Drinking isn't just a lazy good-for-nothing loser kind of thing to do it's a very specific kind of 'life line' - paradoxically because of course it's a death sentence. The glance into a future with no alcohol is really terrifying when you're where BM is. And I was.

I don't know how I got through that phase. It was a way harder battle than the initial cold turkey. If I think about having to do it again it seems impossible. Which is another reason I won't let myself drink even wine. It's way too easy.

BM I so feel for you. I hope you find your strength to get through. I think AA is becoming essential for you as you need an outside incentive to keep you going, someone at the end of a phone when you're just at the point of heading to the offie.

Keep posting. Never feel you're letting anybody down on here. We're unconditionally here to support you.

Thanks Kokeshi, NASWM and IF

Today has been fine. I was up pretty early and we did a massive stressy gorcery shop. I'm off to bed soon so I'll be up early tomorrow. Last week I was dragging myself out of bed at the last minute and the rushing around really puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

I'm hoping that my period starts in the next few days. I don't know when it's due but I feel about 5 minutes away from lapsing all the time at the moment. Not saying that it's just about PMT, but I think it's added pressure that I don't need right now. I might go back on the pill to regulate my cycle and hopefully stop the PMT completely.

Tomorrow I've got to get rid of the empties from the past 2 weekends and go to an AA meeting.

Kokeshi - I will tell EX-P if I lapse again. I don't want to but I will. I do want to carry on drinking if I'm honest. I don't want to be a miserable, self-hating drunk though and I'm having a lot of trouble believing that, for me, the 2 are the same thing. I know it most of the time, but I still have times when I think I'm being silly and I can handle having a few. I think what I meant about understanding myself better when I'm a bit drunk is that the drunk person is the only person I really know now and I'm still getting to know the sober me. After I'd had the small bottle last night I knew that I wouldn't have been able to stop if there was a way that I could have got hold of some more. It was more or less impossible to get more last night so I had to sit and crave and the cravings were intense. I have always thought that I'm more intouch with the real me after a drink though and I know my sister used to say it too. Probably an early symptom of an alcoholic in the making.

Naswm - you haven't brought me down and you've got nothing to feel guilty about. I'm going to give MSN a miss for a while as sitting here in the evening feels odd without a drink and I don't think I'm very good company drunk or sober at the moment. I will email you though and I'll be thinking of you and your family over the coming months xx

Hi IF - I agree, the continued abstinence is much harder than the reduction was. It's so hard when you want to get away from everything and you know that a cheap bottle of booze will give you what you want easily. It is a little bit like giving up smoking in that you miss it and you feel incomplete, but it's so much more powerful because you know the cravings won't go after a few minutes like they do with nicotine and all around you people are drinking and enjoying it and you feel like such a loser - well, I do anyway.

Thanks for you kind words.

(Wonders where all the others have gone)

Staying sober for an alcoholic is a life-long struggle BM. You'll find that many of those round about you will be applauding your reduction/abstinence at the beginning, then they will forget. Unfortunately for us, that's when the hard work starts!

This is why you need to be in the company and have the suport of others who have been in the same position as yourself. In a way you are getting to know yourself again, indeed, maybe really for the first time?

I began drinking in my teens, all through when I should have been growing and maturing emotionally. Any time I came up against something difficult I drank through it, so when I got to my late 20s and started getting sober, I had the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. Horrible place to be. Finally letting my emotions run their course was very liberating, and not as awful as I'd imagined. Drink took nothing away for me in the long-run - it was all still there, years of problems piling on top of each other.

It takes a while to feel comfortable in your own skin, but you will get there. I know how it feels to be in that place of self-loathing. I care what happens to you, as I do all the others on this thread and I hope you can move forward with this.

Your honesty and candour are humbling, you'll do so well in the fellowship.

Hi all, been unable to get to MN for a few days. BM, if you're still around on here, really sorry you're feeling crap. I have to say in the short time I have been posting on here, you've come across to me as someone who has guts in spadefuls. You have been candid and open about yourself. It has earned you a lot of respect certainly from me and I'm sure the others too. I know you can do this. As the others have said AA will be able to give you vital strategies for coping and this has to be your starting point. I agree with what IF said, I think a distraction of another sort will help you on your way through what is a very hard journey.

We're all with you BM

PS. Hope everyone else ok after the weekend.
PPS. Just got through my first week, however DH away on business this week. Hope to get through it ok.

kokeshi - that bit about your emotions being liberating has really struck a chord with me. I have been doing things to push down my emotions since a toddler. I am scared stiff of facing my emotions. That paragraph has really affected me today.

I know what you mean about emotional maturity. The same thing happens with eating problems, relationships, lots of things. One of the difficulties in stopping doing something really destructive is working out another way of filling time. So what do you do when you're sober and you're bored and there's nobody to talk to because they're all having a fab time? It's easy to binge to try and forget it. A craving IS a physical thing.

I've been drinking far too much over the past week and really I don't know why. It hasn't been especially fun. I've been bloody lonely and really scared upset and angry. We are moving out of our house and renting it and I have a million things to do. My family are completely mad and not well at the moment. I don't know how to react to my stupid brother and whether I should contact NSPCC or what I should say. It's terribly terribly sad and if I am not knocking back the wine I am crying. Even if I am knocking back the wine I am crying so it obviously doesn't work and makes things far worse.

Why should it take so long to feel comfortable in one's own skin? What's all that about? Why shouldn't people feel good in their bodies when they are 15? Do any of you? I didn't.

Seeing through emotions is a very recent thing for me and I think what hammered it home was when I was got my diagnosis re my hearing last November

I'd expected my hearing to return and was told by 5 doctors that it would, so the day I was told that I had permanent, total, sensorineural deafness I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world.

It would have been so easy to drink then, in fact that evening I was pacing the floors of Asda feeling like I was being physically pulled towards the booze aisle. I've never had such and internal battle not to drink, and I'm sure it must have been obvious to the other shoppers I was in such a state.

I didn't buy any but when I got home, the floodgates opened. I cried first for not being able to drink, second that I was facing a life of deafness, then for everything else that I had suppressed over the years. It was really frightening. I didn't stop for a whole week.

I don't have it cracked by any stretch of the imagnation, but what it did show me was that feelings, at their worst - and at the point I would drink to mask them - actuallly are never that bad again. I couldn't imagine ever feeling normal again, but here I am 8 months later with a cochlear implant and my life back. It was one of the most difficult periods of my life, but by not giving into booze I've learned so much.

Well done oldlush, what an achievement. And for all the others - if I can do it, anyone can.

Kokeshi - you are really talking direct to me today, IYKWIM. And I know that what you say is so true. I have been masking my emotions for 38 years, well maybe not all that time, but a significant part of it. But in the past year or so, I have 'touched' on some feelings and am learing how to cry again. And whilst I have found it unplesant, it has never been as bad as I thought, IYKWIM.

However, I dont just drink to mask feelings. A lot of the time it is a form of self punishemnt. (I am a multi self harmer). Does that make sense to anyone else?

BM - how are you today? and DS?

is anyone around? I am fighting a bit urge atm and not winning and could do with some support....

hi, naswm, i'm here, though how much help i'll be atm is debatable as I'm 1/3 way through a bottle of gin! . hang in there though if you're fighting it, you'll feel so much better if you do.

Hi naswm, sorry wasn't ignoring you...Dp was on my laptop. I definitely understand (practically speaking) about self-punishment. You want to post a bit more about what's going on at the mo?

Hi cubby - good to see you

I've had an interesting day today - I was with my friend who's a consultant psychiatrist (and also a recovering alcoholic). So many of these "disorders" seem to be manifestations of a deep insecurity and self-hatred, rooted somewhere in childhood. Had a great chat about our respective upbringings and there are so many common strands with people who abuse themselves in one way or another.

We were at the filming of a small documentary about her equine therapy group. Her patients - with a broad spectrum of mental illness - have all see significant improvements since they started taking part. Even one schizophrenic girl who had previously been in and out of locked wards has said the voices are now so much calmer. In fact she's not been sectioned since she started going two years ago. Amazing.

I think what I'm saying is that today really opened my eyes to other forms of "therapy", rather then just pill popping, which on it's own I found didn't really help me very much in the long term.