Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

General health

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

999 replies

BrassicMonkey · 24/06/2007 21:00

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

OP posts:
kokeshi · 17/11/2007 07:45

Oh to answer your question specifically, if I'm having a shit day the first thing I try to do is work out why. If I can figure what's causing it, I can talk to someone (always makes me feel better), and I'll ultimately tell myself, that theses are just feelings, they will pass.

Like everything, they do pass, but I spent so much time trying to change how I felt when I was drinking that this was a revelation to me. I didn't realise if you felt like shite, it would get better, I thought I had to fix it myself.

Oenophile · 17/11/2007 08:59

2Sugars, I too have a DD who used to check my breath for alcohol for some months after I stopped - that really brought it home to me how much stress I had put my girls under she went so ashen and trembly once when she (wrongly) thought she could smell it on my breath (turned out to be a Fishermans' Friend that time!) I'd lived in lala land when I thought I ws concealing my drinking, it seems.

Kokeshi, my sight returned as good as new after giving up drinking - but not for four months, during which time I had to live as a blind person, talking books, the lot. I had no idea my sight would come back - no hope was offered me - it was suggested my optic nerve had been destroyed (as happens to those who drink neat or contaminated ethanol) but it seems it must have been just swollen. I know I'm incredibly lucky.

As for you saying however bad your symptoms got, you couldn't stop, well, I was in the same boat myself. I had all sorts of unpleasant symptoms (constant vomiting, bruising all over, yellow eyeballs, itching.) Still I carried on, too far gone to care. Then two things happened - the sight loss, and a sudden inability to pee. Swelled up like a pregnant woman and was in agony. I was hospitalised for a week, and thus dried out for the first time in years, so it was sort of done for me. I never drank again, even though I live in a house where there is always alcohol around - I just don't need it any more, it's not about resisting the temptation of all those bottles, it's just that no temptation exists now the cycle has been broken and I can think clearly again and make choices, instead of being in the grip of a terrible addiction.

2Sugars, as for 'how do you cope when every day isn't a happy one', that came for me when I realised (through experience, not through anyone telling me, and I think it's a lesson that can only be learned that way) that alcohol was no real fix for unhappiness and in fact made things a whole lot worse. The short-term lift/distancing from reality is so very temporary and the stress recurs when sober again (in fact a lot of anxiety/paranoia/nervousness is actually caused by alcohol and may recede once you stop drinking.) Some other lift is needed - or, as Kokeshi says, the ability to 'float' through it and not fight it - 'this too will pass, tomorrow may be different'. Sleep - lovely delicious undrugged sleep! is also good, but may take time to return to a normal pattern.

Oops this is long!

BrassicMonkey · 17/11/2007 14:16

Oenophile - I knew you'd temporarily lost your sight through drinking. I didn't know you weren't given hope that it would return though. You must have been so frightened.

Hi 2sugars. I remember you (don't want to 'out' you though, in case H searches or something).

I don't know how I'll cope with the bad days when they come along. I had a stressful time a couple of weeks ago and I did want to pick up a drink, but I didn't. Thinking back to my relapses, they haven't happened because I've had a bad day - although I might have used stress or sadness as an excuse. I think I'm more at risk of relapsing on the really good days though. I have a tendancy to get complacent when everything is going well, and if I compare that to how shit my life was when I was drinking, it's quite easy for me to draw a conclusion that had my life been going well back then, then I would have been able to have drank responsibly. It's easy for me to manipulate the truth and enable myself to drink again. That's why I like my routines and plans - they don't allow me time to sit and summarise and I'm so bloody knackered of an evening that I'm really grateful for the harmony of sobriety.

I don't think it's good enough long term though and I have to start doing the steps. That will be a really big hurdle for me, having to approach someone and ask them to be my sponsor, and chancing being refused. I'm putting it off till after Christmas anyway.

Well done on staying sober btw.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 17/11/2007 14:20

brassic you are doing so well.My dp who has been sober 15 yrs always said that good days were dangerous for him too so you are normal!Well done though I remember your first posts and you have come so farxx

kokeshi · 17/11/2007 17:55

How is everyone doing this evening? I was out today and wondering why people had St Andrew's flags painted on their faces, thinking I don't remember Scotland being this patriotic. Turns out we're playing France. My sister is away to to the pub. Now that would have been a fantastic excuse for me to get trollied.

PurpleOne · 17/11/2007 21:50

It's reassuring to read everyone's stories here. I really hope I have all that confidence to look forward to-once I make the plunge to AA (that's a scary thought)

DD2 came back from a sleepover this morning, at exH's house. Promptly told me that they all went shopping for new clothes last night. DD2 asked if she could bring some of them home (as exH hardly puts his hands in his pockets)
DD2 started to cry as exH new wife said she could'nt bring the clothes home as 'that terrible mother of yours will make em stick of fags'

Felt really 'wonderful' all day...guess what I'm doing now! I am so angry at exH's wife, she is such a bitch. The indigenous comments about me in front of the kids, the assault last month, and she said to my face a few months ago that I was ugly and that she hopes I die alone and husbandless

Can't wait to get bladdered tonight.

PurpleOne · 17/11/2007 22:41

I'm sorry...I really should be posting all that in another forum, but that's the story of my life.
Alone, unsupported and slagged off. Criticised for everything that goes wrong.

Alcohol and depression really does go hand in hand doesn't it!

I'm sorry I'm really drunk, but it feels a hell of a lot safer to come in here, and rant/vent off to cyber strangers, people who don't know me, or see fit to put me down.
People who do know me personally, never have a good word to say, let me down and ignore me.

Just wish I was so much stronger...like you guys here, but I'm not.

PaperChain · 17/11/2007 22:51

Hi Purpleone - sorry to hear about your day. You can chat to me. Cat me if you want. {{{{}}}}

Today is my second sober day in a row since I came home from hospital. Last night was awful - shakes etc. I hardly slept. I ended up self harming. Today is slightly easier, but I have kept busy. I am so tired though I just hope I sleep tonight. DH and the DSs are coming home tomorrow and I need to be fit for them.

kokeshi · 18/11/2007 18:32

How's the day been treating everyone so far? I've had a lovely day with my Dnephew, I haven't seem him for 8 weeks and I really missed him. He's such a joy. We had great fun at the art gallery in Glasgow.

I'm feeling quite good for another reason today; after years of worrying about my parents drinking, my DF has finally addressed his problem and hasn't had a drink for a few weeks (apparently). He got a real scare just before I left for Oz (bad chest pains, dx angina) and I was worried that it was going to be the end of him. So pleased, and he looks a lot better. Unfortunately my mum is still hitting it hard (I don't know if quite so much as she used to, if she doesn't have my DF to drink with). So I'm still a bit worried sbout that. Not much I can do though.

kokeshi · 18/11/2007 23:11

EVeryone busy tonight then?

PurpleOne · 19/11/2007 00:06

not me....just wallowing.

how are you k?

kokeshi · 19/11/2007 00:36

I'm good PurpleOne thanks, I had a lovely day. What's going on with you?

PurpleOne · 19/11/2007 02:00

just stuff i posted about before, which hurts.
i had a productive day too. blitzed the house.

my exh came to the door cause DD2 forgot something today and blatantly said that my house looked like a shit hole.
my house is as tidy as i can get it?!!!
wheres that invisible cleaner that comes here while i work? i am livid, pissed and it's time for bed..
3 litres of white lightning laater and i have a terriblew headache?

gnight all

monkeybutler · 19/11/2007 11:15

Morning ladies, have read your posts and feel very honoured to 'know' such wonderful strong people. I think the problem with women and mums genrally is that we take the weightr of the world on our shoulders and unlike men (who hit out) we hit in. We take our anger and issues out on ourselves. I 'failed' to get through Saturday night and drank two bottles of wine. Felt fine on Sunday morning bizarrely. Dad and his partner came over from Oz and went to pub fr a meal. I drove so only a diet coke while they drank beer. Had lovely sober sex with husband last night and watched telly in bed. Was good.

Not working tonight but have n urges today, why is that?. Husband away on Weds night so I am pretty likely to drink then. Working rest of week so next opportunity will be the weekend thankfully.

Thanking of you all and the journeys we are all on. Much love XXX

kokeshi · 19/11/2007 12:55

Hi folks,

PurpleOne, how your ex-H is acting says much more about him than it does you. Some people only feel better when they can put others down, or think they're better another. Him and his new P can't be too happy in themselves if all they can do is criticise you.

IS there anyway that you can go to an AA meeting (when you're ready of course) when ex-H has your DDs?

Monkeybutler, good post. I believe the emotional part of alcoholism is just as (if not more) dangerous than the physical addiction. After all, once I have detoxed and no longer put alcohol in my body, I am no longer physically addicted to it. I mean today, I don't need alcohol to function. But I am still an alcoholic, and if I don't continue to work on my sobriety, there's no guarantee that I won't go back to it.

One of the biggest mistakes that people make is that thinking they have conquered it just by being sober, but all other emotional reasons why we drank are still there. If we don't have any other method of dealing with them then we are likely to keep returning to alcohol. It's about understanding that alcoholism is not only about physical addiction, it's much more complex than that an needs to be treated as such.

When I take away my coping mechanism, I have to replace it with something else, or else I'll just be right back where I've started. I've relapsed far too many times to think that I can do this on my own.

kokeshi · 19/11/2007 12:57

PS, PurpleOne I drank that white lightening stuff when I couldn't get vodka. It's brutal! Hope you're feeling OK this morning. Be kind to yourself. x

monkeybutler · 19/11/2007 13:02

I agree K. I am on another thread 'ending love affair with white wine' and there have been a ew suggestions that I am a 'habitual drinker' rather than an alocoholic but I really do struggle with this distinction. Like you say, an actual physical addiction has gone once you stp drinking but the emotional attachment and the habit of turning to the bottle is still there. I cant see that habitual drinkers and alcoholics and that different. Is it just a question of degree?

BrassicMonkey · 19/11/2007 13:08

Hi everyone

I'm exhausted. I've only just dragged myself from my bed as I was up most of last night with DS, who isn't well.

PurpleOne, I'm sorry to hear that you're so down. What a kick in the teeth to work so hard and then have your ex-h say that about your house. Just had a look at your profile and your DDs are lovely btw

Hi monkeybutler. I agree about the differences in how men and women handle problems. Ex-p is a typical male 'solver' and if a problem can't be solved then he pretends it isn't there - he doesn't hit out though. I can never leave anything alone and any anger that I feel towards other people eventually gets turned inwards. An example was when I was sorting out ex-p's flat recently. I found 2 kids England shirts stashed in with his boxer shorts. One was DS's and the other is his cousins - both had pen on them. DS had penned both of them and ex-p couldn't get it out in the wash. I was really cross that he hadn't called me and asked what to do, as now I'm going to have to replace them both. I ended up feeling guilty because I must be a really difficult person to live with if he's scared to come to me about a couple of kids shirts - and there i was reinforcing it because I was STILL angry about it.

Sometimes I feel absolutely exhausted by all the analysing I do.

Good luck for this week. I don't know why you're not craving today. Don't let it fool you into complacency though - I don't crave a drink very often at all now, and I've relapsed purely because of that. I still ended up completely pissed though, and very sorry in the morning.

OP posts:
monkeybutler · 19/11/2007 13:13

I am disappearing up my own arse with all the analysing I do!. I wish I could be one of those people who dont think about stuff! Complacency is a big danger of mine. George Best said that when he gave up drinking he used to start feeling really good after a few days and congratulate himself by having a drink. Look where it got him....

BrassicMonkey · 19/11/2007 13:20

It's taking me ages to post today as I have to keep going to DS.

Hi Kokeshi

OP posts:
BrassicMonkey · 19/11/2007 13:24

I love George Best (RIP). I didn't know he'd said that. I've done similar before, not really congratulating myself with a drink, but more summarising that my drinking was caused by life problems, when actually, for me, it is the oppostite. The problem is that when I stop drinking life does get easier (naturally) but I've had to prove the truth to myself so many times now.

I get frightened sometimes because I know that I'm just one drink away from the misery of it all again, and it's so easy for me to manipulate my thoughts when I want to drink.

OP posts:
BrassicMonkey · 19/11/2007 13:33

I hope Kokeshi might have something to say on habitual drinking vs alcoholism. I don't know the answer but it's something that interests me.

OP posts:
kokeshi · 19/11/2007 13:40

BM, poor you. Will you be able to catch up on some sleep? There seems to be loads of stuff going around here too. Everyone I know has the sniffles. I guess it won't be long before I get it too. Bizarrely I was called by my GPs surgery to come and get a 'flu jab this week. I thought that was for the elderly? They must think my constitution isn't up to much. Either that or they're feeling guilty about not diagnosing my hearing loss properly last year. Hmmm, closing the barn door after the horse has bolted methinks.

MonkeyButler, I think the distinction comes our own self-knowledge. No one can really assess other's drink problem, so if you feel it is a problem, then it most likely is. I do know that I tried to hang onto every other possible description of my drinking...student pisshead, binge drinker, heavy drinker, until none of them applied any more, and no one was calling me anything else other than an alcoholic. But, in the end it came down to me, and what I wanted to do about it myself. I guess I could still be sitting here on a daily basis with a litre of vodka telling myself that I was just a "habitual drinker". But I would have been deluding no one but myself.

kokeshi · 19/11/2007 13:46

I think the problem lies in that there really is no one definition, it varies wildly from person to person.The nature of alcoholism being as it is - the denial aspect of it specifically - makes it even harder for those at risk of ending up "in the gutter" to actually objectively do something about it before it happens.

Hey BM

teasle · 19/11/2007 13:54

ooh, hello everyone, love the posts this morning!