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Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

999 replies

BrassicMonkey · 24/06/2007 21:00

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

OP posts:
BrassicMonkey · 16/11/2007 09:55

Yeah, it's great to see this thread more active.

Well, I didn't do much yesterday because I was on here chatting most of the day. I'm turning the PC off in 10 minutes so I'll get back on track today. It's lovely though, to be able to have a day off from housework because I was doing something positive and not have oodles to catch up on today.

I've got quite a nice routine going now. Up at 7, in the bath, beds made, breakfast...once DS is at school I potter about and get the washing done and the bathroom and kitchen clean. It's so easy and do-able now. Bills and paperwork are all up to date too, which was a bit painful as I had to face how much money I'd wasted when I was drinking - all the late fee's, charges for uncovered DD's etc - , one company had passed me onto a debt collector and I knew nothing about it because I didn't open any envelopes for 6 months. I owed them £16 but because of all the reminders I had to pay £78 to get them to leave me alone. It's such a relief to have dealt with it though.

Tell me about your sponser. Have you started working on the steps yet?

OP posts:
teasle · 16/11/2007 09:55

Got it! thanks!

teasle · 16/11/2007 09:57

Crossed posts again! BM- I'm meeting her next week. Will facebook

BrassicMonkey · 16/11/2007 10:01

You know, I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't clicked on this thread and checked for new messages. I didn't post much for a while because I was anxious that I was scaring people away by going on about AA too much, or pissing people off with my super-sober enthusiasm

It was really powerful yesterday though, to be reminded of how vile it is to be in the throes of active alcoholism, the vicious cycle of feeding an addiction.

That's it for me today though. Got to get on now

OP posts:
kokeshi · 16/11/2007 10:01

Oh, add me as a friend to Facebook if you like. I'm on BM's friend list, last name Kokeshi (I'm not really a small Japanese wooden ornament, but for the purposes of easy recognition, I thought it made sense

kokeshi · 16/11/2007 10:04

BM, you can teach me a thing or two about being organised. I'm still shite at it!

teasle · 16/11/2007 10:15

Its funny, but I do actually think of you as a small japenese ornament...
Yes I have to get on with my rock n roll lifestyle too.
I know what you mean about the enthusiastic sober person, BM, cos thats what I feel like. Never thought i would though

I think we've done enough and been through enough shit to feel positivre about something now for a change though.

kokeshi · 16/11/2007 10:23

For such a small thing, I could definitely put away an amazing mount of vodka. What would that be, about 1000 times my weight per day?

Yes, yes, must go and get organised. I have a huge form to fill in, which I've been putting off for months. Have a good day folks.

monkeybutler · 16/11/2007 12:36

Hi Ladies, meant to check in last night but due to hangoer went to bed at 8.30pm and missed Im a Celebrity too!. No wine last night (but felt rough). None tonight cos at work. Why dont I crave it when its a work night?. To be honest I have yto dress u as a 6 foot yellow bear for Children in Need something which I am not looking foward to. At least I'll be warm.

Thanks to all of you who have sent advice and links etc. I was going to type then that I am still nsure of what to do but thats a lie. I know what needs to be done. I so much look forward to the freedom from all this that you all describe. When I discovered exercise I was like a born again christian going on about how great it made me feel. I feel fab today and have run for an hour and taken DS to his schools autumn fayre.

My heart goes out to you PO. You are not alone in battling the 'urge'. I am on prozac too which I am sure would be working so much better if not accompanied by booze.

Tomorrow night is going to be hard for me. I am at work 9am - 6pm and will be stressing about my Dad coming to visit from Oz on Sunday. I work at a supermarket so the plan is to put my blinkers on and run out of the shop without thinking about buying anything. I if succeed I am going to get a massive takeaway and have sex with DH!

I will try to take this one day at a time though, I am learning what my triggers are and thinking of ways to scratch the itch without wine. Thanks again, I have never received so much warmth and cmpassion on this subject. XXX

BrassicMonkey · 16/11/2007 13:03

Hi MonkeyButler. Please don't feel pressurised. Knowing what you have to do and doing it are 2 different things. It's bloody hard, we all remember it. It's so worth it though and just like with exercise, once you start to reap the benefits of a sober lifestyle, you won't want to go back. I found that I couldn't go back anyway. Something changed in me and when I drank all I felt was misery.

Cor, I don't blame you for not looking forward to dressing up as a big yellow bear. I would be none too pleased about that either

Looking forward to hearing about your sober sex...

...or maybe not

OP posts:
monkeybutler · 16/11/2007 13:06

Urgh yeah sober sex. Think I remember it. Was going to call my first child Stella and second Vladivar after their conceptions. Maybe should keep bear outfit on...

kokeshi · 16/11/2007 14:53

MB, well done for having no wine last night. That's a great start! It's also good that you're into exercise; it's one of the best natural ways to relieve depression and it definitely works for me.

Taking a day at a time is how we all do it. We try not to project to far ahead (it's hard) but every day we just say "I won't drink today". It makes it seem more manageable than saying "I'm giving up forever". That is daunting. Same thing goes for all the crap that's happened in the past. We can do nothing about that, just start the day afresh and if o day is too much, break it down into hours, even minutes.

I find if I have something do to, I get distracted from any unhealthy thoughts I may have. Loneliness, boredom, anger, resentment, even hunger led me to relapse so I made sure that if I was in any of these situation, I did my best to change it.

That could even mean dressing up as a 6 foot yellow bear! At least your doing it for a good cause right? Keep posting, though, it's great to see messages from you folks.

PaperChain · 16/11/2007 17:15

Hello all

I really overdid it last night. At 3.20am this morning I was vowing never to drink again, and when I got up this morning I felt so vile I resolved to not drink today. And for once I think I might stick to that. (Usually by this time in the day I have had a drink or have planned a drink)

It's going to be hard though. As night comes I dont know how to cope without drink or one of my other props.

How is everyone else doing? BM you are amazing

PCx

BrassicMonkey · 16/11/2007 17:39

Hi PC. Do your best tonight

Are you still on for next Thursday?

OP posts:
PaperChain · 16/11/2007 17:48

HI BM - remind me what I agreed to do next Thursday sorry...

PurpleOne · 16/11/2007 19:07

When I woke up this afternoon, my eyes were like a yellow tinge to them!

Hope everybody is well?

kokeshi · 16/11/2007 20:00

Hi folks,

PaperChain, is there anything you can d to distract yourself from drinking? Say, cleaning, baking, crossword puzzles, watching a movie, drawing, painting, Facebooking?

PurpleOne, the yellow eyeballs look horrfic, especially when you have the yellow skin to match (like I did). You know the first time that happened I was at university, not even 20 years of age. Scary how quickly I descended into alcoholism really. And even scarier how long it took me to actually stop. I sometimes wonder how I managed to survive all the punishment I've put my body through.

PaperChain · 16/11/2007 21:57

I need distracting BIG TIME. I am soo tense and shaky. I am determind to do it though. It's unfortunate that tonight will be the first night without a sleeping tablet (after gradual withdrawal) so goodness knows how I am going to get through the evening

havalina · 16/11/2007 23:13

Hi Kokeshi, sorry if I'm intruding on this thread, I have been lurking for a while. But could I just ask how you fended off the feeling of boredom loneliness etc. These are really my downfall, but I don't have any friends or anyone to talk to. My Dp is great but he isn't good at the whole emotion thing and talking about it, although I do know he loves me (for some bizarre reason).

The only person I talk to in any depth is my sister, she is an alcoholic, so I really don't think my situation is very healthy.

kokeshi · 16/11/2007 23:48

Hi havalina, welcome to the thread. Of course you;re not intruding, everyone is welcome! Like all the others here, I really found the loneliness and boredom a killer, and probably responsible for many of my relapses.

At the beginning, I had to make sure I was very rarely in this position, which meant attending as many AA meetings as possible. SOme days I went to two a day because I had no other routine other than drinking all the time. It takes a while for us to establish "normal" routines like non-alcoholics, who think nothing of occupying themselves of an evening. The crippling lonliness is awful and so many of us have found ourselvees alone after our behaviour on drink.

It is hard to swallow your pride and rely on other people, especially if you have a problem accpeting that you are an alcoholic. But once you open up and let fellow AA members in, you won't be disappointed.

Keep posting on here though, it's a great distraction and a problem shared is a problem halved. Again, welcome and look forward to hearing from you.

Paperchain, how is it going now?

havalina · 16/11/2007 23:56

So your only distraction was AA? I'm not discouraging that but I'm scared to actually go there.

It seems so final if you know what I mean,I'm scared to go there and say that I have a problem with alcohol but I'm not willing to give up right now.

Oenophile · 17/11/2007 00:08

Hi everyone, and welcome to the newcomers, always a friendly ear in here.

Brassic you asked how long I've been sober - since June 2003 - over four years. And give or take the odd 'normal' down moment, every day's been a happy one just because I remember what it used to be like to be in the grip of alcohol and appreciate how much better I feel now.

I think the consensus is, to those who mentioned AA and feel reluctant about it, that it really is the best way, perhaps the only way. I didn't use it myself, just stopped cold turkey, but that was because my liver was failing dramatically, I was desperately ill, and I lost my sight so it really was stop, or die.

kokeshi · 17/11/2007 06:39

Oh God, Oenophile, that's horrendous. Do you have any sight at all now? These are the realities for the still drinking alcoholic, and I am fortunate (and I do know it) that I am relatively unscathed health wise. It could have been so different: no matter how many things went wrong with my body, I just couldn't stop. I imagine losing your sight must be terrifying though. I have no idea how I would cope with that actually.

Havalina, I tend to use the distraction as a temporary measure. I've found that if I don't have other ongoing support to deal with the problems life throws at me, I'll just fall back into the same behaviour patterns. It takes a whole mind-set change to successfully recover from active alcoholism, so although distraction may work in the short term (to stave off really strong urges to drink), all the reasons we drank in the first place are still there. Namely that we are alcoholic and thus powerless over alcohol. I have learned that once I take that first drink, I no longer have any say in the matter. I will get drunk.

We need a longer term heavy hitting solution (which comes in the form of the 12 step programme of recovery). Distraction without learning how to deal with our emotions successfully will only be a sticking plaster in the short term.

I'll use an analogy. If you were a diabetic, you can't just "will" the condition to go away. You would need to accept that you are powerless over what's happening to your body's bichemistry and accept help and treatment from medical sources. Likewise, as an alcoholic I don't believe I will ever regain control of my drinking and the outside sources and treatment if for this condition (if you like) are AA and the 12 step programme.

I does seem scary and none of us wanted to believe that we were ultimately powerless of something in a bottle, we want to be in control of everything in our lives and be "normal". It's hard to admit that we've been defeated by drink. Until I was ready to accept that I couldn't control my drinking, I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable, I couldn't move forward. I kept repeating the same behaviours and expecting different results.

It was somewhat of a relief when I finally did say to myself. Do you know what? This isn't working. And I wasn't gracious in my defeat either, I had to be dragged kicking and screaming into recovery and not before I had wreaked havoc on so many people's lives round about me.

It's taken me a long time to get here - when you come through the doors of AA you're not expected to know all the answers or even be ready to say that you'll put down the drink forever. Yes, that is final, too final in fact for most of us, so instead we say "Today I won't drink". It's just 24 hours after all, not too difficult. That's all you have to promise yourself in the beginning. Keep going to meetings, and it won't only just be a distraction but a whole new way of living a contented life. Sounds unbelievable? I thought so too, I was the worst cynic ever. Here I am sometime down the line extolling the virtues of AA, and I never believed that would happen. I just had to have a wee bit of faith and willingness to accept that my way of doing things possible wasn't the best, and take on some other suggestions, discard my pride, and trust people who have done it before me. And it's there for the taking.

Keep talking to us. You don't have to decide anything. We've all been there so please know we're here to listen without judgement.

2sugars · 17/11/2007 07:10

Can I ask how you all cope when every day doesn't feel like a happy one? I mean my H, who constantly browbeats me, and the member from AA who went on to steal my credit cards and take £2k from my account, which I'm being made to pay back. That was a terrible day, but even that didn't want me to sink into alchohol the way H does.

On a more positive note, (btw I used to be EG but changed MN name, email &c and got my laptop password protected because H was reading everything I wrote) I'm not drunk anything in a month and a half and that feels so much better. I do have half a bottle of brandy in the cupboard, waiting for me to make my better-late-than-never Christmas cake, and I'm happy that although I've often felt the urge the bottle has remained intact!

I just have so much more confidence now - and it feels wonderful. Have a stinking cold and the other day woke up at 3.00am with it. Consequently had a little 1/2 hr kip before dds came home. Well, I overrun a little and when H brought them home I was still asleep. Came down, greeted dds, and dd2 said 'do this to me' and breathed on my face. I did the same, she cuddled me. What she was doing was checking I hadn't had a drink - which I hadn't - and she then kissed and cuddled me. How on earth did I manage to ever convince myself my children knew nothing about what was going on.

It's so good to have this thread. Like an on-line AA meeting.

Good luck and love to you all!

kokeshi · 17/11/2007 07:40

Hey 2sugars, welcome to the thread (EG...don't think I remember, have we "spoken" before?

Sorry about your unsupportive H and the thief who was pretending to be inrecovery. Unfortunately in AA, as in all walks of life, there are people who are dishonest, unkind, selfish etc. The whole nature of AA being so inclusive is bound to attract people who are less further on in their recovery than the rest of us. It sucks, but in thses situations, we have to exercise a wee bit of acceptance.

I don't say this lightly, but the way, I do know how hard it is. I lost all of my hearing last year very suddenly and my whole life changed. I couldn't go to meetings, I had to give up my job and my confidence really plummeted. Somehow though, the stuff that I'd learned already in AA and a belief in something greater than myself has enabled me to move on and accept my deafness only a year later.

If I was drinking, I would be still wallowing in self-pity, full of resentments, and anger about how unfair life it. The trick is to try and adjust our own reactions to situations and traumatic life events. We can't change what has happened, but we can change how we deal with it.

Are you going to Al-anon? I guess in the situation with your husband, you have to have compassion for the still suffering alcoholic, to know that it's not really his fault. (I know it's hard to separate the person from the alcoholism)), and detach as much as you can. My late-H was an alcoholic to so I know it can be frustrating when you're putting your heart and soul into recovery and they're still performing.

Great news about your kids though. I'm sure they're so happy to have their mummy back. Your new outlook will be noticable and that makes them more secure in themselves. Keep posting 2sugars, great to see you.