Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

OK, here's one in Ilford:

lford Thursday
1230
Gantshill Methodist Church,
Gantshill Crescent,
Gants Hill

If you call the helpline, tell them everything about having no support, no childcare and they'll be able to help you as much as they can. They can send someone round to your house first if you would like that, or even try to arrange a lift for you...if you let them know.

PC, for what it's worth, I'm not minimising your other issues, but like I said if we keep drinking, we can't attempt to start working on these as we're not "in our right mind". Also it will be reducing the effectiveness of any medication you have been prescribed too. Are you on meds?

So really, if you think you have a drink problem, then that's all you need to start to recover. It may not seem like it, but the admittance of this to ourselves ic crucial...without it we can't get sober.

BUT, we do need a huge dose of willingness and courage to want to change things. What do you think PC? Can you give AA a try again? Like I said it will break up the day for you, it's not good being on your own all the time and the consultant can't prescribe anti-loneliness medication.

Thanks Kokeshi

That listing never showed up when I clicked on the AA link. Gants Hill is only a couple of miles from me. Is there any in the Barkingside / Newbury Park areas?

you are right Kokeshi - but atm I just cant face it

i am just a sad lonely drunk

and my battery is dying

I wish you well PC. I do know it is difficult, I have been there, but AA will be there when you decide that you are ready to accept help.

UNder the search ofr barkingside, it brings up the Gants Hill options. Doesn't have anything for Newbury PArk. Do you have postcodes of your surrounding areas and I can plug that in?

IG6 IG2 and IG1

huggles to PaperChain

I know I have to call AA at some point. Not sure if I'm ready to. I enjoy it, but I hate the bad feelings it brings afterwards. The guilt, the depression which I've battled with for years...and I'm sick and tired of feeling worser than a bag of trampled shit.

DD1 tonight complained that we've only got £38 to last us til Sunday...then she said 'I bet that'll go on fags and beer mum'

That really made me feel wonderful, but she's totally right!

Hang in there PaperChain and much blessings to kokeshi for your wonderful support. x x

Barking
Tuesday 1230
Barking Methodist Church,
London Road IG11

Barking
Wednesday 1230
Methodist Church Hall,
London Road IG11

Barking
Friday 1230
Barking Methodist Church,
London Road
IG11

It came up with these, but they're under IG11. Don't know if that's too far from you? Again, When you're ready give the helpline a call. Don't be afraid, the people on the other end are just the same as you...recovering alcoholics who are volunteering their time to help those still struggling with drink. They'll be able to advise you better than me as I live in Scotland. Someone with a bit of local knowledge who'll take you around, or tell you what meetings may be suitable is invaluable.

Keep posting PurpleOne. Sometimes, it's seemingly the small things that convince us that we really need to do something about our drinking. How sad that your DD is so aware of the situation.

I realised that when drink stopped working for me that I really had to "throw in the towel" and ask for help from AA. At the end, no matter how much I drank, it just didn't have the desired effect (oblivion). I would feel bad when I didn't drink (withdrawals, anxiety etc) and suicidal when I did. I had nowhere left to hide.

Take care.

How did you know when the drink stopped working for you k?
I find I can't buy the usual 4 Stellas anymore, they don't have the same effect. I'm always on the lookout for 2 for a fiver deals, the cheapest possible white cider sold in 3 litre bottles and the highest possible percentage.
Sometimes I even go to Sainsbury's and buy their 'value' vodkas and brandies and sneak them home. The one thing I am really conscious of, is the fact that I never buy alcohol from the same place every day.

The anxiety you mentioned is horrendous. Especially when I've taken DD1 and DD2 out for the day and we get back too late, and the offy is shut. I pace the carpets those nights.
I cry when I'm sober due to the guilt and shitty feelings that run through me...I also cry when I'm pissed...the loneliness, lack of support, the constant battle / struggle of life, not having anyone here to offload to. I grapple with my blackest thoughts, the handfulls of pills. I can't remember any other time than this year that I've cried so much, all except than when I was a teen I guess. I am 34 now.

Poor, poor PurpleOne. I've been there, I know exactly what it's like. When it stops being fun any more, when the anxiety and the need to ensure supplies and cover your tracks and the misery afterwards way, way outweigh any pleasure it once gave. That's when you know it's time to give up, and you CAN do it. Many of us here have been where you are, we were just as bad (worse in my case - I nearly killed myself with it) and you CAN give it up and you will feel so much better, you may find your other problems were magnified if not caused by alcohol and are manageable when you are free of it.

Thinking of you tonight, and Brassic who has come so far, and everyone out there struggling with this.

Thankyou Oenophile, your words mean an awful lot.
It nearly killed me when I was 15 years old too. Stole a bottle of gin from my parents cabinet and drank the lot. All I remember is being in the psych ward, stomach being pumped and throwing up everywhere. Sounds crazy but I'll always remember that beautiful garden that I saw and the bright light and my borther telling me to go back and it was'nt my time to go. (my bro is in spirit world now)
I've always been a social drinker during the years..but as soon as the my divorce, the DV and post abuse (moving away, court case, injunctions etc) the cannabis was my crutch then. Used to really enjoy having a bottle of wine on the weekend and getting on MSN.
Over the course of almost 2 years, my dealer got busted and the bottle of wine at the weekend turned into a bottle every night yada yada...I don't need to explain myself anymore.

I only used it for night time sedation. To stop the bad dreams and so I could drift off. My doc told me not to drink cause of the hiatus hernia I have (caused by the stress of DV and was borderline anorexic due to all the uninduced vomiting and the stress he caused) I never got counselling either.

PurpleONe, when I just couldn't get oblivion anymore THAT'@S when I knew it wasn't working. I was going through two liter bottles of vodka over 24 hours and it didn't numb anything anymore. And all the stuff that you describe too. I was just a slave to it really: I was so physically dependent on it at the end that if I didn't have some in the morning, I would have the worst withdrawal symptoms, including DTs and fits. I didn't want to keep going, but I was terrified of stopping. I just didn't want to live anymore because I couldn't see how I could face life without drink. I wrongly imagined that if I stopped drinking, I would always feel as bad as I did when I was withdrawing, like this was the normal state to be in. That, I couldn't have faced.

I've also been hospitalised with acute pancreatitis (the worst pain imaginable) when I was in Australia, but I discharged myself after 2 weeks because I wanted to go home and drink. I got off the bus and wenyt straight to the bottle shop and bought a 5 litre cask of wine.

So you see you're not alone. When we get to this stage we're so far down the scale of alcoholism that it seems that we'll never recover.

5 years down the line and I barely think about drink anymore. I still go to AA and have to be vigilant, but I no longer need alcohol just to "be". I have a partner, and a great network of supportive friends, many of whom are members of AA themselves. They understand me in a way no one else does. If you had told me this 5 years ago, when I was being blue-lighted to A&E after yet another suicide attempt I would have scoffed. I was fully prepared to drink myself to death.

So, if I can do it, then so can you. We need help and support with this, and it's not your fault. You're suffering from an illness over which you have no control. I got sober with the help of AA, so that's what I'd recommend. All you have to do is pick up the phone and arrange to go to a meeting. Surely it's better than living in that horrible cycle of despair that you've posted about?

ps, hi oenophile, long time no see! How're things with you? You were missed!

How is everyone this morning?

HI Kokeshi, have just mailed you!

Looks like you had a busy night last night.

This freaking jetlag teasle! I went to bed at 4pm or so, got up at 10pmish, went back to bed and woke up at 3am and have been awake ever since! Just as well I'm taking the rest of this week off, I'm gubbed!

Will look at my email now.

Oh I'm here, Kokeshi, lurk more than I post though but this is one thread I always follow: my heart goes out to anyone suffering through alcohol - god knows I would have loved to not feel so alone, not the only one going through what I did I feel very 'close' to any former or current drinkers who struggle with it and so happy to read of people doing well - like Brassic - look how far she's come from the start of this topic to now!

The thing is, many things about alcoholism are familiar to all cases - we all seem to follow a similar pattern in many ways - so I feel/hope it must be encouraging to others to know from people who really have been there, that there is a better life waiting beyond alcohol, which there unquestionably is - but I would have found that hard to believe in those hazy days when I mistakenly thought that happiness lay in ensuring enough supplies to drink myself to sleep every night and that giving it up would be intolerable. Oh how wrong I was! waking up every morning with a clear head, not having to hide bottles, not watching money vanish over the counter of the Spar shop day in day out, the shame, the guilt, the awful, unrelenting anxiety eased for such a brief moment when I swigged from a brandy bottle - so soon to creep back. The despair I caused my teenage daughters - oh, I wouldn't wish the misery of alcohol dependence on my worst enemy.

Wishing everyone the best, and the strength to do whatever it takes.

I'm fine thanks Kokeshi. How are you this morning, and everyone else?

Hi oenophile, lovely to see you posting again

I've just been reading through last nights posts. I remember the horrible booze that I used to buy. We don't have a Tesco local so I used to buy Kirov vodka (£8.99 for 70cl) because Smirnoff was too expensive. I didn't have the option of buying from different shops as there's only one licensed shop for miles, so they knew and would make comments like 'you're not drinking all that alone, are you?' and ' have you drunk all that already?' on the occasions that I went down there twice in one day. I used to lie and say 'I'm not alone', but I couldn't look them in the eye because I was already drunk and I was afraid they'd refuse to sell it to me. The amount of energy that I put into obtaining, hiding, and drinking was ridiculous.

I remember the depression too, that Kokeshi has posted about. When you're withdrawing and you feel really low and paranoid, you think that's what life without booze is like, but it's just a side-effect of withdrawal, and by continuing to drink you have to go through it again.

Oenophile posted after my last relapse, the same thing as she posted last night...about the realisation that it's not fun anymore. It's so true. I don't get the oblivion anymore when I drink, just utter misery and fear because I'm aware that I'll be in withdrawal soon, and even when the booze doesn't work the hangovers are still killers.

Purpleone, are you drinking daily? If so, do you know about how to reduce safely, or your options for medical detox?

I wish you both well, and monkeybutler, and anyone else that's reading.

Hi to teasle as well

There was only Kokeshi's morning post when I strarted typing mine.

Great post oenophile. How long have you been sober for now?

Good posts BM and Oenophile. Everything you say I identify with. BM- all the getting of, hiding drink, disposing of bottles, going to different shops- the whole thing, was exhausting! It took up so much time and energy.

Hi too BM- its great that there's so much activity- we're even getting crossed posts.
Hows it going with the new household arrangements?

Yes, its' fab the thread is so active again. I was just thinking of us all lurking quietly on the thread and not posting 'cos no one else had ! Let's keep it active.

replied to your email teasle. Hotmail was playing up this morning.