Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

Hi everyone!

Jamjac, if you see this could you email me again? Thanks!

Hi everyone. Hi Kokeshi, good to see you back.
Hi Purpleone- please keep posting on here. I wish I had been able to be more open when I was really struggling.There IS always hope, you know. I'm sorry that you are having such a shite time, but the thing is we really do understand because we have been there. Your posts do not enable others at all(to drink).For me, part of recovery is not forgetting how it was when I drank. If I forget, its easy to become complacent, and then eventually I start to tell myself that I wasn't THAT bad, was I?
But I was.

I think I know how you feel though because I have not wanted to post about how good I feel about my own recovery, because there are people posting who are obviously going through a really tough time. However, I also know I'm just one drink away from being there again.

Hello to everyone else

Morning everyone

Purple, how are you this morning? Thanks for posting so honestly last night. There's so much in your posts that reminds me of the life I was living when I was drinking. I used to think that my honesty might turn a recovering alcoholic as well and I've really struggled on here and in RL to admit how bad things were before I started recovering. It takes a huge amount of courage, so well done.

You asked earlier if anyone else gets so bladdered that they stay up late and then oversleep. A lot of the time I didn't even make it to bed when I was drinking and would have to call DS's dad to get him up and ready for school and take him in because I was physically incapable. I was very lucky to have his support but the shame I felt for having to demand him out of work (adding hours to his day, and putting him at risk of dismissal by his boss) was awful.

Your honesty won't enable or encourage anyone to pick up a drink. Recovering alcoholics want to listen and support because it helps us/them to remain sober, and in return you get acceptance and trust and a sense of belonging - all things that I didn't have when I was drinking and have become so important over the past 8 months or so.

AA is not the only option. You could contact your local substance abuse service who (if it's like the one in my area) will give you advice about reducing and give you counselling and support once you've stopped. It's confidential as long as you stick to a contact agreement and management plan. I tried it before going to AA and successfully reduced from about a bottle of vodka a day, down to nothing, but the counselling sessions didn't materialise and I started going to AA meetings. I've relapsed a few times but I've been mostly sober since June. I like it that there are no records or notes on me there and no pressure to do things before I'm ready. I'm accepted and understood because I'm an alcoholic and not despite it.

Please try and post today to let us know how you're doing and don't be afraid to continue to be honest. We don't judge on here and we've all lived through our own personal shame and humiliation.

xx

Hi teasle - isn't it funny that alcoholics are usually portrayed as being selfish, yet here we all are walking on eggshells not to upset each other

Also wanted to say welcome back to Kokeshi. I bet the weather's a shocker for you! You've given great advice as always btw!

Hi paperchain. Just wanted to comment on what your consultant thinks about your alcoholism. When my sister was in rehab she made friends with another mum who wasn't an alcoholic either - she'd just gone blind due to binge drinking . When I asked about my own alcoholism at the substance abuse clinic I was told that they don't use that term and that after a reduction plan and counselling I may be able to return to social drinking . Other than these 2 examples I've no idea what the medics opinion is on alcoholism. I don't really think that alcoholism should be diagnosed anyway, but a conclusion that we draw for ourselves through our experiences with alcohol. Hope you're ok today

Hi all, love to PO you sound so down I really feel for you and we all understand.

Annoyed again today (and hungover). Took DD swimming last night and came home via the off licence. 2 bottles white wine and bed at half 2. Husband not happy with me again as DS was up loads in night and he had to deal with it. I dont feel that bad today really except tired. Took DD to school and DS watching Mr Bean so quite chilled. Have rung husband expecting abuse but he seemed OK. I think he is detaching from me though and I really expect him to either leave or have an affair. I am on Prozac which helps my depression but want to come off it next year. Think counselling may help my drink problem, what do you lot suggest?. Shall I try CBT or AA or a local substance abuse place? I quite liked the description of what the latter could do for me. An ideas or suggestions anyone?

Hi MB. I would always suggest AA because it was the thing that helped me so much. The advice I got from the substance abuse clinic about reducing was great and it saved me from having to do a medical detox, but I didn't much like having the threat of social serivices on me if I didn't comply, and as I said before the counselling didn't materialise anyway, so i would have been left high and dry if I'd have relied on them.

At AA, you're welcomed as a member straight away and you get to help others while you're being helped. It's a community that you can come and go from as you please, if you wish, without pressure. Try it and see how you feel.

Hi monkeybutler, you'll find different treatments work for different people. My only caveat with NHS alcohol services is that they're usually heavily subscribed, and finite in how much they can offer you, and the waiting lists are brutal.

I also found that once I had "completed" the counselling/rehab I would relapse really quickly. It's the nature of having a drink problem though, you tend to forget how bad it actually was and convince yourself "this time will be different". Also once you have actually stopped drinking you'll need to find a way of living sober and dealing with the stuff that you blocked out with the drink. So I've found that ongoing support is crucial. This is just my own personal experience though.

I would go to your GP (or another in the practice) and ask what they can offer you. I did find these services an important part in my journey, but like BrassicMonkey, I was told that perhaps I could return to social drinking, which I have found (not through want of trying!) is actually impossible for me.

Like I said before, whatever method you choose, make sure that you have people to talk to and support you. Come on here and just rant away - anything that stops you reaching for the drink.

Great posts teasle and BrassicMonkey. Thanks for the welcome back. And yes, it's bloody freezing. My head went numb yesterday . At least there's sun outside. If I sit with the heating on I can almost imagine I'm back in Oz...

Thanks BM, I am worried what everyone else at AA is like though. Will I be youngest or only woman? I don't 'look like' an alcoholic what do they look like?. I just dont want to go and see people at a later stage of the illness and think 'well I don't fit in here' and just carry on drinking. I guess I have an image of an wee stained tramp lying in a gutter as the only type of alcoholic. If I told DH I was going to AA he would be mad with me. He doesnt like being left with the kids any more than he has to be (I work several evenings a week). He thinks that my nights at work are 'nights out' for me so college courses or meetings are extra and therefore not 'allowed'. I had to have a cervical biopsy with two kids stood at the end of the bed as he wouldnt have them.

as you can see I have a few issues that need to be dealt with!! Just too scraed of ending up with the kids on my own I have a nagging feeling I married the wrong man and if we hadnt got kids together I would leave. I just need someone to talk to and he doesnt do 'feelings' really. He is so down himself and I am just adding to his burden. I am jealous that he goes out everyday and has a lunch hour to himself. He tells me I am getting too thin and doesnt understand that often the kids dont allow me to eat in the day, or I forget. he just doesnt get it at all. He just wants to sit around the house all weekend and thats where I have been all effing week. Last night I really should have come on here as soon as I got back from swimming and not had a drink but he started tutting when I went to switch the PC on - apparently I am always online or texting - maybe because I am bored and like to feel I am not alone.

HI monkeybutler- I go to AA and I don't look like an alcoholic either! Noone does. I understand about the stereotypical image of the old drunk smalling of wee, but thats all it is- a stereotype that rarely exists. There are lots of women there. On my first meeting I rang the helpline and they gave me the number of a woman who met me outside the meeting. I was given the phone numbers of around 6 women at the meeting and told I could ring them at any time. The thing is, they actually mean it. Its part of being an AA member- its about giving back what others have done for you- I hope I'm in a position to do it myself one day.
Its just like sitting in a room of different people.Some women are younger than me, some older.

I usually check the thread every day, and its been dead for weeks, but its suddenly sprung to life- its great!

Sorry I forgot- it is difficult if your partner doesn't understand, but they advise that you put your sobriety first, and I guess you have to makle the decision for yourself what you want to do.
My partner doesn't make life easy either.

My ex-p was staying with me when I first went to AA and he didn't like it much either. He also saw it as me having a social life while he was left at home holding the baby. I go to women only, daytime meetings now so it's not an issue, but it did piss me off when I was trying so hard to fit in soberly and he was bloody jealous!!!

I don't know how old you are but I doubt if you'll be the youngest. There's a 17 year old at the meetings I go to (I'm in awe of her because she speaks up at every meeting and is doing her absolute best to make her future positive - I wish I'd have had so much sense when I was her age).

There's a real mix of people at AA, but I haven't yet seen a 'gutter-alkie' or a tramp. I haven't even seen a drunk person. I have sat next to a few high society types though and of course estate agents, postmen, hairdressers, housewives, company directors - the works! Most of the time the only thing I know about other members is their first name.

I hated my first meeting and I didn't like the man who chaired it (the chair is a member who speaks for about 20 minutes about their alcoholism before the meeting is opened up for sharing). I thought he was horrible and nothing like me. It took me a long time to go back again, but with the support of a mentor that I met through AA I did go back - to a Chelsea meeting, where I was embarrassed about my appearance and lack of social skills. Regardless of where you are in an AA meeting the people of are genuine and you've no need to feel afraid that you'll be tarnished by other members or are superior or inferior - we're all their because we've got a drink problem and we leave our outside status at the door when we come in.

There are some meetings with creches so you might be able to get to a day time meeting. It's best if you're honest with DH, but for now at least, do what you have to do to get to a meeting. If you continue without support you might end up in a situation where he has to care for the DC and if you're in detox he won't be able to leave them at the end of your hospital bed ( about that btw!)

Have you looked into where your nearest meeting is?

Hi Teasle, so if I ring the national helpline they will do that for me?. I rang Drinkline once but the man on the other end was horrible and I never rang back. If I log on every night with a running commentray of whats going on will you check up on e every now and then?. Yesterday I asked DH if he wanted any beers (an excuse to get mewine!) and he said no but you do what you want. So I did, he didnt say anything to me or was disapproving or anything. I have asked him really shout at me but he doesnt, I do really love him but feel I have lots to deal with on my own. Things are less confused now I take prozac and when I havent had a drink for a few days a feel fabulous but then go and ruin it. I never let the kids see me drink (always at night) and I never miss school or anything else like that, I do everything I am suposed to do when I am supposed to do it but I want to do something for myself. I wont to be someone else in a different life just for a bit and thats what wine gives me but it is taking more away now.

MB, your post at 10:53:50 describes exactly how I felt about my relationship with ex-p when we were still a couple. He was always complaining about the amount of time I spent on here and about texts that I wouldn't share with him. It's much easier to deal with relationship problems sober though.

I'm worried at the moment because ex-p has had to move back in permenantly and the tension is building up already. When you're staying sober you can make decisions about your future and you can really assess what you're capable of doing on your own - and you'll surprise yourself on how much easier it is than you first thought.

Hi BM!
I live near Newcastle and there aren't that many women only meetings- most meetings I go to are fairly small- between 10 to 30 people generally. Definately none have creches that I know of.
Must admit I havn't actually spoken up yet at a meeting. But... I have found my sponsor, which I am really pleased about.

"I wont to be someone else in a different life just for a bit and thats what wine gives me but it is taking more away now." - I understand that bit so well, I bet we all do!

Hi BM, yes, I have loked into where my nearest meeting is and seen that they are at all times of day and evry day. I am interested in the daytime women only meetings (any in Manchester?) as I would be prpared to pay a childminder to have DS while I go. I also think it would be best if I go 'on my own time' rather that DHs!. I think my problem takes too much of his life as it is. Can you tell me where they are in Manchester? Do I just turn up?. How long does the meeting last?. Do I have to speak up?. I have an mage of having to stand up and say I am an alcoholic and am not at that stage of 'recovery' yet!.

Oh well done teasle . I STILL haven't found a sponser, and that is probably due to the small, select women's groups that I go to where I can hide and they all know that I'm shy and think I'm not ready. I really, really need to branch out and find the courage to approach people and go to meetings where I'm a bit further out of my comfort zone. I'm so pleased for you.

Whats a sponsor?

Hi MB- sorry all the posts are getting crossed with this flurry of activity!
If you ring the helpline - if you ask, they will give you the support you need. Tell them its the first time you have rang, and that you have never been to a meeting before. Different people work on the helplines- the first person I ever spoke to was a man, but then I rang a few months later and I spoke to a woman and just cried my heart out.
Yes please write down whatever you want.Its good to share!

Hi BM- sorry the stress is mounting already with DP. I always have to tell myself that no matter how shit things with DP get, I can handle everything much better when I'm sober.Its still hard though, but it is true innit?

A sponsor is someone who will guide you through the programme. Women have female sponsors, and men have men. Your sponsor is like your mentor. They need to have good sobriety (mine has 12 years), and be someone you feel comfortable with.

I'll find a link for you so you can search for convenient meetings. Please don't think you'll have to make a spectacle of yourself at meetings - you won't. I had that vision too, of having to stand up and say 'I'm an alcoholic and I've not had a drink for x months/years' and then get a big embarrassing round of applause. It's nothing like that.

All meetings are different, but at most you just sit down and speak if you want to - no pressure to say anything at all. The most intense meeting I've been to is a women's only group where we share around the room, allowing each person 3 minutes to speak. There are only about 15 of us anyway and it's such a calming atmosphere - even for me, who is riddled with nerves and panic about speaking out-loud in a group. However if that's too much you can just say pass and that's perfectly acceptable.

I find day time meetings easier than evening meetings, as they tend to be smaller and less sociable - I have problems relaxing in company now that I'm sober.

I'll find that link for you.

Gotta go DS wants to go on CBeebies, will check in again tonight (sober!). Thanks fr help and wil have a think about stuff. Good luck BM, much monkey love!!

Cheers BM!

I totally get the stereotype your have in your head monkeybutler, I refused to go along to AA at the age of 25 because I was convinced that it would all be old winos with coats tied with string.

It's absolutely not at all. Alcoholism affects all levels of society, it is indiscriminate. In an AA meeting you will find lawyers, teachers, doctors, nurses, posties, businessmen/women, students, SAHMs, WOHMs etc etc of all ages. There are some "special interest" groups, for example women only meetings, newcomer meetings, Big Book study, One Day at a Time meetings. There are literally thousands going on everyday in every part of the country, and there should be some accessible to you.

What you will find in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous is the majority of people who are living sober and fulfilling lives, often with more success than people who have never had to assess where they are in life. The are living in the solution and will invariably ALL be sober (give or take the odd rattling newcomer, which is completely fine). You will be embraced and accepted immediately and unconditionally, all any of us wantis to live contented lives and help other alcoholics to achieve this also.

I'm sorry you don't have a supportive partner. Often loved ones find it hard to accept and understand just how seriously we have to take our recovery, as alcoholism is a chronic and terminal condition if left untreated. The World Health Organisation actually classify alcoholism as a disease because it fits those criteria. If you are able to talk to him about it, please direct him to Al-anon.

In the meantime, please keep posting, and let us know how you're doing.

Teasle, by posting on the thread you are giving back! You're helping me too! Sorry about you not getting any support on the thread for the past few weeks, just keep posting anyway, I do check it but if there's nothing there I won't usually post. So keep it going!