Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

HI CalaLily, how are you feeling this morning?

Yes, I was a namechanger when I started that thread, but I was never a well-known poster due to constant namechanges and new registrations, because I used to post under the influence and offend people. I think I?ve been on MN for around 5 years now but probably never posted under the same identity for more than a month or 2. I rarely meant to cause offence but I was so pissed all the time that I couldn?t judge anything right and I?d become really aggressive in debates. All very embarrassing

I never use any of my old identities now and only tend to post on this thread. One of the not so great things that came with getting sober was losing all my confidence and spirit, hopefully just temporarily though. I often start typing posts and then delete them in case people are thinking ?who cares what some alkie thinks anyway?, or ?why would I want support from her?. I think the inferiority complex comes from clicking ?threads I?m on? the morning after a boozey night and reading other posters reactions to my nonsense posts and feeling really ashamed and disgusted with myself. I get very nervous before I hit ?send? in case it wasn?t the booze making me post stupid things, but I?m just a stupid person.

I was up not long after you last night. DS wet his bed and I brought him in with me rather than change his sheets. I read what you said about your gorgeous DC?s and your fun and feisty baby and I felt so grateful to have him back with me after his weekend away. I would have resented him waking me up when I was drinking heavily all the time ? I didn?t even know what I was missing.

I understand how it?s difficult for you to get to meetings in your current circumstances. I would have found it very difficult without the help of DS?s dad during the summer holidays as well. There are crèches at some of the meetings and others are child-friendly. I?m not sure if that?s just in London though. You could give AA a call and ask them what they would suggest. I hope I?m not bullying you into AA though. I know it?s not for everyone and people do get sober without them. I think oenophile tried AA but it wasn?t for her. Also ImaginaryFriend did it without AA so you don?t have to take that route if it?s really not practical. I wasn?t keen at all to begin with, but went along because I needed to feel accepted by other people again.

The thing about not drinking the beer meaning you can?t be an alcoholic. I don?t know really. I have had a couple of beers in my fridge recently and I did manage 2 nights without drinking them and I said the same thing ? surely if I was an alcoholic I would have drank them straight away. I had lots of drinking rules to begin with but I broke them all in the end. For instance I wouldn?t drink vodka neat, but then one day I just picked the bottle up and glugged it back. I wouldn?t drink in the morning, but then I heard that it cured hangovers so I started doing that too. Alcoholism is progressive and for me that meant losing all my standards and principles, not just regarding alcohol either. When I?m sober I won?t leave a glass of coke unattended in case a fly lands in it. This weekend I was so obsessed with not wasting vodka that I finished off a glass of vodka and coke that had been sitting on my desk all night. It tasted awful but I couldn?t bear to throw it down the sink.

I wouldn?t even try to decide if you?re an alcoholic or not at this stage. I think acceptance that you?ve got a drink problem is all you need right now, and you know you have because you?re drinking when you don?t want to be.

Anyway, I hope you slept well and that you?re not suffering this morning. We?re all here to listen and help if we can and you?re not alone with this.

I'm so cross, I spent ages typing a post and then my connection went down and I lost it! So this one will be shorter. CL, just wanted to say I know what you're going through. BM is right, don't concern yourself with labelling yourself as an alcoholic or not, you've recognised that your drinking is a problem and that's enough for now. I too dislike beer and won't drink it even if desperate but I know I have a drink problem (a big one, after being able to moreorless handle a bottle most nights, I was thrown in jail last week during a black-out). That has been my wake-up call and I'm all out to stop drinking now. If I don't, it's bye bye to my gorgeous daughter and a whole lot else besides.

I think ultimately, that AA is probably the answer. You don't have to go all-out, just sit and listen. It's a problem for me too getting to meetings as I'm a single parent but there are lunch-time ones and hopefully you can get the kids sorted just once a week. As BM says, there are women there who didn't drink that much but still thought they had a problem and I too can't relate to the 60 something men who've been sober for decades but the people there are very varied. You just need to find the right meeting. Of course keep posting here and know you're amongst those who understand.

Hope you're on top of things today BM - still feeling positive and not too guilty? That's where I'm at too, I've a lot to feel guilty about but focusing on that doesn't help matters. As far as my shitty divorce goes, my episode last week does seem to have made my ex realise he needs to accept some responsibility so something good has come of a bad situation. Thinking of you all, have a good day.

Yeah, I?m still feeling positive thanks Mocca, and the guilt is easing. I still feel ashamed but you?re right, focusing on these feelings doesn?t help us to move on. I?m glad your ex isn?t milking the situation - and so he should face up to his own wrongs! Hope you?re keeping well and staying sober.

Today I?ve just been grinning and bearing it mostly. I know I can?t drink and there?s no point in thinking about how much I want to, but God I wish I had a way of coping with stress. DS is driving me to distraction with his tantrums, whinging and petty demands. He?s only been in from school for an hour and I feel like I need a break already.

How is everyone else doing today?

Hi folks, how is everyone doing? This is the first I've been able to post, so apologies for neglecting the thread a BIT.

BM, I hope you're feeling a bit better about the relapse. No-one can make you feel worse than you feel about yourself, and I totally empathise with where you're at. I do hope that you've managed to get back some kind of recovery...that's my only worry really as I do recall so well the whole fuck it scenario. It's a difficult time and you really need your support round you right now.

I do understand what you say about the tunnel vision of a planned binged. For me, it starts in my head way before I'm ever at the door of the offy. Then there's no going back. The only way I've found to break that cycle is to identify that thinking way before it reaches this stage. It's been touch and go quite a few times, and the pull I've felt towards the drink aisle is almost physical. But please, keep being honest on here and emailing as much as you can. Even if you think it's trivial. IME it's the small things that build up and it seems like there's no other way out.

Mocca and CalaLily, I'm glad you're posting on here too. If you can make it one thing you do every day, try and post here how you feel. It will help, and the identification you get from others going through similar experiences is priceless.

I look forward t reading your posts.

Hi kokeshi, good to see you back!

Hi teasle, how are things with you?

Very good thanks, although I am having a few problems with my dp. Have been to AA meetings and am getting a lot from them. Lots of things are clicking into place.
Cheers! (raising cup of tea, obviously)

That's great teasle, I'm really glad you're getting something from the meetings. I'm in awe of how AA works all over the world - DP and I went to a meeting here in Manly, NSW yesterday. For some reason it wasn't on but we met another member outside who'd come all the way from NZ on business. He asked us to go for a coffee and we had an impromptu meeting at Manly wharf watching the sun setting and the last of the ferries heading over to Sydney. Amazing.

I've already found quite a few meeting that are nearby so we'll try to get to a couple whilst we're here.

Let's know what's going on with you folks.

am doing well the last couple of weeks, keeping to under 24 units.
oops, been on here for ages and have to go - keeping dp from his real work!

Can I join? I have lurked before... but it's time to join in I think.

First night not drinking in I don't know how long. I have been very inspired by a lot of the posts on here - the honesty is amazing.

Have considered AA - even called them once before, but it would be difficult with DH... think I would need to go at lunchtime and then might bump into people from work?!

Anyway - one thing I wanted to ask about was how do you deal with all the emotions that start once you stop drinking? Am finding it very peculiar this evening - all the things that annoy me - but I usually look forward to the numbingness of alcohol to get rid of the feelings...

Sorry, have rambled. Mine is a long tale - but for another time, I think!

P.S. I was going to change my name but then thought what's the point?!

Hi everyone

Kokeshi, hope you're enjoying Oz. Thanks for posting and thanks for being understanding about my relapse, although I knew you would be. If one good thing has come out of it I do know for certain now that I really am an alcoholic and I can never let my guard down around alcohol. I really thought that I could maybe go back to having the occasional glass of wine with a meal or stress-relieving drink after a hard day, but I can't. I have 2 levels when it comes to alcohol - sober and b%llxed - and AA are right, it is* the first drink that does the damage. Lucky for me it's the one drink that I do have control over.

I haven't got much time but just wanted to welcome Verso and respond to the bit about feelings.

I don't know how I'll cope long term without alcohol and I've been a bit of a mess this weekend, shouting and screaming at everyone as if I'm heading for a nervous breakdown. I had a big cry today and it was so cleansing to let myself feel vulnerable instead of being angry at everyone. It was over the most stupid of things too. My DS's dad couldn't collect DS from school because he'd got soaked in the rain and wanted to go back to his flat and have a bath - fair enough! DS doesn't like changes to his routine so to soften the blow of dad not being there at home time we arranged for him to be here at 4pm and we were going to go out for dinner. Ex-p fell asleep in the bath and my call at 4.30 woke him up and I flew into a complete rage about it. DS hadn't even noticed that his dad was late and was busy circling his favourite toys in a catalogue anyway, so it wasn't as if I was suffering at all. I was just furious that a grown man could fall asleep in the bath for 2 and a half hours. We never made it to the restaurant because I started crying in the car on the way there. I wasn't sad, just at a loss to know what to do with myself. There's only so much you can shout at someone and be angry about something really, really stupid.

So, that's an example of how I find it really difficult to cope with emotions - any emotions - without alcohol. I'm wondering if it's something to do with short-term damage to the nervous system in addition to giving up the thing that we've relied on so heavily for such a long time.

Also wanted to encourage you to post more Verso, if you feel comfortable of course. Congratulations on your first sober day.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend and a sober evening

Hi all,

Welcome to the thread verso...jump right in! It's great to see you posting again BM. As bizarre as it may sound, I'm glad it's happened. Many folk never reach this stage, and the consequences are fatal. My late husband is a testament to that.

Actually, it's been a bitter-sweet day. I went into Sydney to finally get my Australian permanent resident visa, which I was ecstatic about, obviously, but I couldn't help thinking about G and how we'd made so many plans. So sad. Australia is a world of opportunity and I know I am fortunate to be back here sober and to try to make amends for my past behaviour. I guess I'm also looking for a bit of closure on things too.

The best news of the day is that my current DP will be able to apply for a resident visa on the back of mine, as the required 5 years between applications is now up. Totally unexpected.

We'll be heading down the coast in a week or so and re-visiting the places I used to live with late H, so I know it will be difficult. There are so many reminders of what my life used to be like, in a way I feel like I'm in a time warp.

To answer the questions about coping with feelings...that's what everyone strives for in recovery. I've learned that no matter how unpleasant the feelings are, I just have to sit through them and let them pass. Which they do of course. I was in my late 20s before I ever let myself feel, I was so used to suppressing them with drink, or other things. Good news is that it does get better, but it does take time to feel comfortable with sitting with your emotions. The best thing to do is talk - share in a meeting or post on here. Honesty is the way to go.

Hi all, how is everyone today?

We went to a meeting in Surry Hills in Sydney tonight. It was a gay, lesbian and transgender meeting in a dedicated safe meeting place, which I thought was a fantastic idea. We got a lovely welcome and it was great to be able to articulate all that I'm feeling about being back here.

The topic tonight was acceptance. In the great scheme of things for an alcoholic like me it means realising that I can't direct everything that happens round about me, and sometimes the only thing I can do is try to accept the situation. It took me a long time before I was actually able to put that into practice, the biggest challenge for me was accepting how I feel about certain things, and of course hoe I feel about myself. Self-acceptance has been quite difficult in my experience as I had to stop denying my sexuality.

it's been a long journey, which continues on a daily basis, but I am no longer afraid of what will be revealed. I trust that whatever happens to me does so for a reason. In hindsight it's much easier of course! Please sign in and let us know how you're going.

Hi everyone

Hello Kokeshi. Thanks for keeping in touch while you?re away. I?m sorry to read about your painful day yesterday, but so pleased that you?ve found something soothing in your meeting today.

Do they have gay and lesbian meetings in Scotland? I?m not sure if we?re just spoilt for choice down here with all the different groups we can choose from. I?m glad you were able to talk openly about the emotions you?re feeling back in Oz and that you?re not fearful about the future anymore.

There?s a lot in your last post that I relate to, acceptance and trust especially. The idea of no longer being fearful of the future and believing that I?ll be looked after in the long run has been so much harder than it should have been, because I do have a faith. It?s odd that now I?m being encouraged to take advantage of my beliefs and use them to help me is the time that I?m questioning everything and starting to realise that my faith is about fear instead of trust.

Acceptance is such a long way off too. I?m finding it so hard to be around men since I stopped drinking ? even my own dad and I?m worrying about raising a son when I?ve obviously got problems relating to adult males. It?s depressing because I know all this had an impact on my relationship choices and that led to me making a lot of people unhappy, including myself and there?s a lot of issues that I think spun from that, that I can?t think about because they switch on the urge to drown it all with drink. I?m not talking about normal fears or insecurities but deep issues that I don?t want to accept are there. I?m not being deliberately cryptic, I?m just really frightened of looking too far into it myself. I?m really grateful for the women?s meetings though, because facing up to the anxiety that I have around men makes me withdraw into myself even more and that in turn makes me want to drink.

I don?t know where these issues come from. There?s nothing sinister in my past, just a difficult relationship with my dad and a few tossers during my teens ? none more than the average woman has encountered though. I haven?t spoken about this at AA because I don?t want to give people the impression that I?ve been a victim of abuse.

I hope everyone else is doing well. I haven?t posted for a few days because I was feeling down and was finding it hard to pin-point exactly why. TOTM arrived today though which has lifted the gloomy feelings.

Hi everyone.

Have had a mixed week - generally positive (ie not a single night polishing off a bottle of wine as I was doing) but had a drink at a business lunch yesterday and a glass and a half of wine with dinner tonight with a friend. Don't feel particularly bad about it though, as they weren't 'need' drinks, if you see what I mean...

What I AM finding weird though is all the emotions that are coming up because I'm not spending most of the day recovering from a hangover. I thought I'd feel a bit calmer and more 'sorted' without drinking, but instead I feel quite fragile somehow.

I can relate to your posts about acceptance and trust, kokeshi and brassic. Both are HUGE things for me - I always want to be in control and find it difficult not to be. I worry about EVERYTHING - never take a moment to just accept a situation or trust that it will get better... until now. I do, strangely, feel different this time about getting to grips with my drinking. Hope I'm not deluding myself there, but it feels like I'm open to change this time somehow...

Hmm. Not sure if that makes sense. Have burbled on I know.

P.S. Can I post a really silly thing that I just want to share? I don't know if anyone will be able to understand this, but part of the trigger for wanting to change my drinking was watching the beginning of 'In the Night Garden' (sober, I might add as I always drink/drank after DD is in bed) - and finding myself reduced to tears (more than once) by the grown-up hand soothing the child softly to sleep. Like real, proper, sobbing tears - completely unexpectedly. Like I'd come face-to-face with something true.

When will someone (I?) take care of ME?
Why did my Mum hate me so much when I was younger?
Why did my sister do the soothing instead of Mum?
Why did my sister have to die so young?

Probably not the best to just 'drop' into the thread - just expressing some of the things about where I am at the moment. Hope you don't mind...

Hi Verso. Well done on keeping your units so low over the past week. I know what you mean about ?need? drinks. If you keep posting honestly over the next few months I think you?ll discover a lot more about why you drink and what it does to you. When I first started addressing my drinking I knew I had a ?drink? problem, but I only realised how bad it was when I tried to address it, and it?s actually about a lot more than just drink.

Crying over the scene in the Night Garden isn?t silly. I think it?s positive actually that you could recognise why it hurt you and let some emotion out. Your childhood sounds tragic . I?m really sorry.

I have an odd relationship with my mum, although there?s nothing in my past like that in yours. I still find it hard to deal with though and I can relate to the emotion you felt watching the child be soothed by its mother.

I feel like I?m becoming an AA bully but you?d hear so much ?truth? if you went along to a meeting. People really ?talk? about how they believe their drinking relates to their past, where it took them, what they discovered about themselves in sobriety and how they ?feel? now. It?s all really honest and humbling and you?d get such a lot of identity. There?s a saying ?I came for my drinking but I stayed for my thinking? and I like that as it helps me to understand that although I might be able to stay dry without AA, I?m not going to really start ?recovering? by sitting around with all these negative feelings. I?d just be torturing myself. I understand if it?s not for you though, or if you want to look into other options first.

You?re not kidding yourself about how strong your resolve is and it?s a good thing. Looking back to May when I first attempted to stop I know I wasn?t emotionally ready and I don?t think I was determined enough ? I didn?t know that then though! I could still see the good bits about booze and I was fantasising all the time and I felt deprived. The relapses have been the most awful, shitty, depressing experiences and they?ve served to show me that, for me, drinking is a horrible reality and definitely not a fantasy. Whatever happens it's your journey and you'll do yourself a good turn by being honest, as you are right now.

Please keep posting about how you feel. None of it?s silly or rambled and an outlet is so important. I'm off to bed now, but I'll look in tomorrow to see if you've posted. Good luck

Hi all,

It's great to see the thread active. Verso, of course this is the right place to ask such questions - and they are totally valid. PArt of the process I have found is (re) establishing a healthy relationship with ourselves. Too often we take responsibility for things that are way out of our control. We become people pleasers and wonder why we then feel resentful when others take us for granted. We drink on these feelings and everything erupts, and we get into this cycle of shame, guilt, remorse: people pleasing resentment and more drinking.

One of the hardest things is to forgive ourselves for past mistakes, make amends to ourselves and thus feel worthy enough to allow others to care for us. One of the most important aspects of AA, as BM says, is to go to meetings and share honestly, thereby inviting others in and feeling that we are worthy of their time and effort. I found that quite difficult but it is so worth it.

I don't think you are being cryptic at all BM, it's amazing that you have pin-pointed something you know that affects you deeply. I do think a lot of our behaviour is rooted in very early in our lives, and it doesn't need to be necessarily "sinister" to have a profound effect on our adult lives. Loads of things have been revealed to me in sobriety, a lot of it wasn't so much as apportioning blame to people, but identifying where it all started. I think much of it has been passed down the generations. Whereas before I felt nothing but resentment and anger t my parents for passing these things on to me, I can now feel compassion for them. They were only doing their best with what they had at the time.

BM, you asked about gay meetings in Glasgow. We have a couple but they aren't very inclusive. It's mostly men and I do feel better in the company of women as well. Nothing wrong with this. DP and I were at a great women's meeting tonight and it was a real experience for me to see the difference in sharing in this environment.

Thanks for being honest. I'm still learning loads and you're an important part of my recovery too.

Hi everyone.
Its great to see people posting, and its all so honest and positive.

BM and Kokeshi- one of the most striking things for me at meetings is how people speak so honestly about alcohol. Its like, after all the blame, denial and excuses have been stripped away. I find it very humbling too. I cant go to many meetings, but I really look forward to them. After my first meeting I felt a huge sense of relief, and also a sense of belonging, that I had come to the right place, that everything is there for me, but that its up to me to make the most of it.

Ho verso, hope you are doing ok.

Cheers all

I mean hi verso, obviously...

Kokeshi, I?m glad you understand why I?m more comfortable in an all-female environment. I?m wary of saying it in RL in case I?m perceived as suspecting all men to be sexual predators or that I?m conceited/deluded and think that every man is going to make a pass at me. It?s actually that I?m worried that my own behaviour around men is odd and I?m intimidated by the subtle (and possibly imagined) flirting. Obviously, I also get more identity from female chairs and sharers so that?s another good reason for me to stick to all-female meetings.

It?s a shame that the gay meetings in Glasgow don?t have many female members. It could be the same down here though. Are there not many all-female meetings in Glasgow either? How was last nights meeting different for you? I find the atmosphere at women?s meetings is calmer and that helps me to keep my anxiety under control. Also, silly things like people don?t go outside for cigarettes so much, you don?t get lots of late-comers interrupting the flow and if someone cries people hand tissues to them and give them a friendly pat, instead of some poor bloke sitting next to an emotional woman and trying to pretend he hasn?t noticed . So, it?s not just the sharing and identity that I like, it?s the whole atmosphere.

Oh, and I?m chuffed to hear that DP can also apply for residency. That?s great news and I imagine really opens up a whole set of lifestyle opportunities for you as a couple and hopefully soon as a family. How long are you away for?

Hi teasle, nice to hear from you again . I?m really glad you?re enjoying the meetings. It?s refreshing to hear alcoholics talk about themselves without fluffing things up to make it more acceptable. I think we often do the opposite in real life but it has to stop somewhere for us to be able to forgive ourselves and start recovering.

How are you doing today Verso and CalaLily? And everyone else?

Hi all. Thanks BM!
I understand why ANY woman would feel more comfortable in a women only meeting. Definately. Youse sound fairly lucky, as up here in the north(Newcastle area) to the best of my knowledge there is only one women only meeting per week. No gay meetings at all, unfortunately, unless you access this information via a secret network..!

Glad the thread is more active again. Good to hear you sounding positive BM.

The past few weeks have been difficult for me as DP has been drinking, and been denying it, making excuses and generally not admitting to anything. We have had quite e few aguments and it has been fairly horrible. Hey ho, though.

I'm sorry to hear that teasle. I'm very lucky not to have any drinkers around me and I'm sure I'd find it very hard to abstain if I was living with one. It must be really frustrating if he's denying it too. How did he react to you going to meetings?

I guess all i can say here is that it IS incredibly frustrating, but I am glad to be sober and the meetings really do help.
Thankyou

Finding this evening a bit difficult but not sure why. Haven't had a drink though. Had wine and g&ts over the weekend so maybe it's harder not to have them now?

When I wanted to pour a g&t tonight I tried to work out what I was feeling... and basically it was anger and resentment. Not sure why though. I think it's the whole 'come home from work and put your Mum hat on' thing that I find a bit difficult. Or maybe (thinking about this now) it's because my Mum HATED cooking (I don't) and so I now feel I have to resent preparing dinner because she did?

Hmm. Wheels and wheels. All I know is I REALLY wanted a gin, and I didn't have one, which is good.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.