Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

Hi Kokeshi

Cross-posted with you.

Hi Brassic Monkey,
Thanks and yes, I do hope to drink socially. I'm not sure that I need to go down the AA route and I hope that it is more a matter of breaking a habit that I've got myself into. I've found it so easy to just not know what to do in an evening if I don't have a glass of wine in my hand so I'm just trying to keep busy.

I think I've managed to get through to DH about it as well, that it's not the amount but the fact that the habit controls me rather than the other way around. I suppose I just want to change the one who's in control!

I know that I haven't had the same level of problems with alcohol but I just really appreciate how supportive everyone here is and how they really understand. Thanks again.

Good morning everyone. Last night was my third in a row without a drink - haven't drunk since Monday - it's not easy but I'm managing it and feeling pleased with myself today! It's the weekend at the end of today though and I'm not sure if I'll allow myself to drink. I'll have to think about that one a bit more today.

Sorry, don't mean to come on and sound all pleased with myself, but I am feeling quite proud! I hope that everyone is well today.

englishteeth - be proud! thats fine! think its even more important to congratulate ourselves and each other when we do well than to berate ourselves when we fail.

i had a difficult day yesterday. i had a hospital appointment about my anal fissure (childbirth/forceps/extreme pushing = a year of anal pain/bleeding. ) and they were taken aback i hadn't recovered seeing as i've had the operation...which is meant to be the ultimate cure. so they don't know what to do. felt despondent and disempowered (can't bear anyone else peering and poking up my sore bum!)

anyway, it was meant to be a booze free day but i had 2.5units of beer, one large bottle basically. and i don't feel guilty about that, cos it was quite controlled. well, i feel a bit guilty cos im justifying it, but there you go!

Hi MaeBee, really sorry to hear about your difficult day yesterday and I'm so sorry that you're in such a lot of pain . I'm not surprised that you wanted a drink after all that and I think it's fantastic that, even after everything, you were controlled about it! No need to justify anything!

I hope that they're able to help you at the hospital soon.

You poor thing MaeBee. That does sound horrible. You don't have to justify a beer after a difficult day. You drank it and hopefully it helped you relax. I think that's what normal, moderate drinkers do isn't it? How they manage it is a mystery though. I'm really sorry you've got that to deal with

Well done EnglishTeeth and don't be so silly, of course you can come on here and be proid of yourself. I was ecstatic after I completed my first sober day and really made up that other posters were pleased for me too. The weekends are hard for me too. I'm a miserable kill-joy and I like it when I know we're expecting rain. If the weather is nice I get jealous of people having boozy barbecues and I avoid supermarkets so I don't have to see other shoppers with their crates of lager and bottles of wine in their trolleys. Seeing as I can't actually control the weather with my thoughts though, I don't feel too bad about it

Do your best this weekend. It helps to think 'not today, tommorow maybe, but not today' and you just wake up every morning and say the same thing. You can do anything for 24 hours, and if you find it easier you can break it down into 'not for the next minute/hour' etc. I know you want to go back to social drinking eventually but do try and have at least a month away from it, preferably 3 so you feel more in control. Sorry, that came across as bossy but I'm rushing to get out to a meeting

How are you doing CalaLily? And everyone else?

I've just read the most recent posts and want to join in but am scared because something truly awful has finally happened to me because of booze. I spent Wednesday night in a police cell after assaulting a police officer - my D was staying with my ex and new girlfriend and I just marched round hysterical and tried to get her out. I'd been drinking of course and was in semi-blackout and a lot of it's a blur. Apparently I bit my ex's hands really badly as well as hitting out at the policewoman. Those 12 hours in the cell were the worst of my life, I felt lower than an animal. And I'm an intelligent, respectable, generally responsible and likeable woman.

All the crap I've been feeding myself about being able to just drink socially is out the window. I can stop drinking for a while and because I think I don't need it, I have a glass or two socially and then of course it leads to drinking at home and if I'm in a down mood (like I was last Wednesday) I drink to feel better and then anything can happen. My divorce has got really nasty and I've discovered that my ex had an affair when I was pregnant but I've got to stop blaming him. I've returned to AA and met up again with some wonderful people. If I can post here when I'm feeling weak that would help too.

Good luck to you all and I hope your weekends are progressing calmly.

I wish I could write something to make you feel better, Mocha.

I think you have made a good choice going to AA. The people there will understand totally, in a way that other people cannot.

Try to concentrate on how you are going to handle yourself from now on, and remember that having a drink NEVER makes anything better.

Hope someone else can write something useful.
I'm sorry you are having such a shit time

Hi all,

I'm just saying hello before I get my flight, but I just wanted to check in and say well done to everyone for continuing to be honest. The things about alcoholism is that it's so insidious, it usually does take something quite drastic for us to admit it. It's all part of the journey mocca, and you're definitely not alone.

You're with people who understand, take care of yourself.

Oh mocca, I wish I could just give you a hug at the moment. The lies that we tell ourselves are all part of this illness - it's just our excuse to carry on drinking. I only ever doubt my alcoholism when I want to drink. How bizarre and obvious is that! All these awful experiences just serve to show us that our problem with alcohol is real and we do need to get help.

I've had a really shit time this weekend myself. My ex-p has been off work this week and I beggged him to look after DS at his own flat so I could have one last binge. I thought it was going to fabulous. It was NOT!

I haven't drunk for a while and I blacked out on Friday evening. Woke up at 6.30 am and finished the bottle. Then I phoned ex-p and manipulated him into buying me another bottle and leaving it outside the front door. I was so deperate and screaming and crying like a mad woman. The more I drank the worse I felt emotionally and I was so lonely. I ended up contacting someone that I knew didn't want to hear from me and I left him a disgraceful answer phone message. He called back later on and wiped the floor with me. He's ashamed to know me, thinks I'm a terrible mother and I'm no better than the smelly old men that beat their wives and shit the bed (his words). I carried on drinking and blacked out again. Then came round and went to the off-licence. I'm so ashmed of myself and paranoid that anyone saw me. It's not as if this has never happened before but I thought it was going to be fun. It's insane!!!

I was furious with my friend (I wasn't thinking straight at all) so then I called a few more people and had a go at them as well.

This morning I can't stop shaking and my eyes and lips are really swollen. I don't know where to start with saying sorry to everyone. I'm not even sure if I should say sorry because in my frame of mind today if anyone has a go at me I think it will be the final straw.

Mocca thanks for being so honest about Wednesday night. I had been wondering how you were getting on actually. Well done for getting back into AA so quickly. It's a really special thing when we can go to a place where people understand and truly empathise with us.

Hi Kokeshi. Hope you have a fantastic time away. Speak soon xx

BM I am so sorry you have been through this.

Also- your ex.p has to realise that by buying you drink he is enabling you. I've had this too. Kokeshi is really good with knowing what to say, and I think what she wrote to Mocha could also mean something to you.

I'm just so sorry you're now left in such a shitty place. Upwards from now though today eh?

All credit to you for posting this.

Thanks teasle

Kokeshi always says the right things, and her message did make posting about this weekend easier. I know I deserve to be reprimanded and it might appear that I need to be told a few home truths (like my friend did) but I'm desperate not to feel any lower than I do already today. I feel so humiliated and demoralised and I'm dreading the drying out period over the next few days.

I am determined to really make AA work now though. No more pissing around and only going to meetings when I feel like it.

I don't know what to do with myself today. I really want to talk but I'm frightened to call anyone that I spoke to yesterday and don't want to call anyone that I didn't speak to yesterday because I don't want more people to know what kind of state I was in.

Does anybody have any miracle cures for reducing swelling round the eyes and lips?

Plenty of water, cold wet flannel on face, nice food, and abstinence!

The self-loathing you feel is significant to recovery remember. Months ago you may have just blocked it out and carried on drinking.

Everyone relapses along the way, remember that. Its what we do about it that matters.

What about sponsorship? Have you thought about this yet?

Take care xx

And get yourself some B vitamins too.

No, I've just been cruising through AA without getting involved properly so far. I know I need to change that now though as it's not working anymore.

Thanks for advice on reducing swelling. It's my lips more than my eyes. I don't know whether I've developed some kind of allergy to the vodka as they feel burnt.

Could it be due to the dehydration?

I was listening to someones story and they were saying that even though they went to meetings, nothing much changed. They knew thay had a problem, but kept relapsing. He said that the answer had been so simple, and that he got a sponser and has never looked back. Doing the work/steps/programme was scary, but not as scary as what would happen if they kept drinking. Loads of the 12 step people were nodding at this.

Does this make sense? Someone said to me that they know its scary, but not as scary as continuing to drink. Did you get a newcomers welcome pack thing and did the women give you their numbers? I was assured that they really do want you to ring, because they understand and have been there.

Have mailed you by the way!

I think the dehydration is making my lips sorer but they are really sensitive anyway. I ate 2 packets of crisps and some peanut butter on toast yesterday so it could be the salt that has burnt them.

The steps do scare me, but yeah just as you said, not doing the steps and continuing like this scares me much more. It's a really frightening situation to be in because I know that whatever I do it's going to be really hard.

I've been going to a lot of step meetings to try and familiarise myself with what's coming up. I had an interesting conversation with the secretary in one room and I told her that I was scared about starting the ball rolling. She said that the only essential part of the steps is the first part of step 1. That even if I wasn't ready to confess every thing, believe in a higher power or say sorry that it didn't matter initially because you never stop doing the steps. They are a design for living and not something that you ever complete so you work your through them over and over and what you're not brave enough to do the first time round you might have found the courage for second or third time round. The problem is that I wasn't 100% ready for the first part of step 1 before now. I can say 'I'm powerless over alcohol' and mean it 99% of the time, but I've still had times where I have doubt. I know that sounds crazy because my behaviour is typically alcoholic and I do relate to so much that is said in the rooms. It was as if I kept needing to relapse to prove it to myself but each relapse only seemed to keep my resolve strong for a little while before I'd need to prove it to myself again. I wish I could capture the feelings of self-loathing that I have today and give myself a taster of it every time I feel doubtful.

I?ve got a book full of numbers from AA women but there as good as useless to me if I won?t call them and I never do when I?m planning a binge because I don?t want to be talked out of it. A lot of people at AA really relate to that and it?s been suggested that I call someone every day even when I?m not feeling weak and that hopefully I?ll be able to be honest and speak up when I know a relapse is on the cards. I?m pretty sure this would work because I?ve received calls from people before when I?ve been close to a relapse and the feelings do all flood out and the desperation eases.

I've just spoken to someone from AA and I'm going to be back at meetings tomorrow. I think I should be at a meeting today really but I don't feel well enough to get myself there alone but I don't want to ask for help. I have to stop relying on other people to prop me up and encourage me and do it all myself now.

Mocca, I hope you're feeling ok and keep posting. I really hoped that you would be able to go back to controlled drinking but I absolutely agree that for a lot of us it just contributes to complacency and before we know it we're back to square 1, drinking in doors and breaking our own rules. Don't be hard on yourself xx

Thank you everyone and have a good trip Kokeshi. I hope you'll still have time to talk to us! I wish I could meet you at a meeting BM - how great would that be? I'm so sorry for your dreadful time; I know that feeling so well of having to face up to what you've done and said to people when you're on a binge and how you can torture yourself about it for days. Please go to a meeting and get a sponsor. I'm about to leave for one now and already feel that I should be getting involved. I'm scared though - because it truly commits me to stopping. After my experience, I feel like an empty shell and very vulnerable.

My ex has been here today picking up stuff and his presence felt almost malevolent. I would love to go to a peaceful place all on my own, just to think and sleep and read for a few days. But life goes on, we have eachother here and others like us at AA. Thanks for your words too Teasle and take care all of you.

Hi mocca. I hope you got that peaceful place for an hour or so at your meeting today. I find the rooms very calming, like a sanctuary where I don't have to explain to anyone and there's no gloating, smirking or judging - just empathy and understanding. I need that especially when I'm feeling particularly ashamed and afraid of what non-alcoholics are thinking of me. I'd love to get together for a meeting. It would be great to meet you and all the others on this thread, so if you're ever in SW London let me know.

I know what you mean about feeling like an empty shell and vulnerable. I know you must be very low at the moment and there's nothing I can say to make you feel better, but you're very brave to post so honestly and to get back to meetings so quickly. We both need to start again and take it very seriously this time. Your ex sounds cruel and it's possible that your behaviour when you're drunk is leaving him feeling justified and morally right for his own bad behaviour during your marriage. I agree with you though, you need to let it go and be kind to yourself for your own safety.

I understand about being scared of getting fully involved with AA. I've been like a bystander mostly because I was scared to make that committment too. I am literally terrified of ever getting myself in a similar state again though and if I ever pick up another drink I think I may also call myself an ambulance and have myself sectioned. I think I would have been sectioned if anyone had seen me yesterday. I couldn't even let my ex-p in the flat because I was in such a state and when I woke up this morning I found that I'd blocked off the front door with a load of crates - I don't know what was going on in my head last night. I was obviously severely paranoid and deluded.

Take care of yourself mocca and keep posting xx

Poor Brassic, I wish I could give you a hug. It's good in a way that your binge was not the 'fun' you thought it would be - one thing (in addititon to my sudden symptoms of critical liver disease) that made me finally turn my back forever on drinking was that sudden realisation - this isn't FUN any more. Don't be too hard on yourself. It was a little slip-up, but you learned something from it.

Poor Mocca too - believe me, I did a few things I'm ashamed to remember when drinking - things that can still keep me awake at night if I let them - but I am getting better about putting them away forever, what's done is done and it can't be changed. These things happen; people aren't perfect.

Good luck to everyone giving up drink. I've said before in here that I was pretty far gone with my drinking, it nearly physically killed me (blindness and acute liver failure) and if I gave it up and went onto a happy, calm, good life beyond drink, then so can you, and you will, with help and support.

Brassic....I have been reading the old thread this evening and am up to the middle of May. You have had such a painful journey and I just don't know what to say other than thenk you for helping me get some perspective on my dependance.

I'm sorry to hear you have fallen off the wagon, but please don;t let this one set back fuck things up for you. From what I've already read, you have come a long long way from where you were, and who you were back in April. Please try to pick yourself up from this and start again.

I've been OK, but have been struggling a bit with life. My DH was here most of last week and didn't have anything to drink, but I had some wine on Friday, and finished the bottle last night so OK. I know DH thinks I drink too much and is keen to help me stop. Well, I went to the supermarket this afternoon and couldn't resist putting a bottl in the trolley, but just the one. I bagged it separately and wrapped it in a coat that was in the boot of my car incase Dh came to help me unpack. He didn't, and when he left this evening I got the wine out and have proceeded to polish off almost all of the bottle.

Funnily enough, in the few days I didn;t drink I felt so much better, but I don't know whether that is because when DH was here he was dealing with the everyday stuff and I didn't have to. but, he left on Friday and I was supposed to take the DCs to visit him over the weekend, but I had a real panic atack about the thought of driving and had to have some wine to make myself feel better about it all. We never made it away for the weekend and DH came home as usual.

I also feel a bit pathetic, as I don;t drink a great deal, but it;s the fact that I need to have a drink that really worries me. I just don;t feel like I've got the strength to do this on my own,but I'm not sure where to go from here.

Anyway, I need to get to bed as I'm back to being on my own tonight and have to do the school run tomorrow and deal with a feisty fun loving baby.

and I'm rambling a bit.

DH is keen for me to start a journal again, but I think MN has become my journal recently.

Hi oenophile ? lovely to hear from you again You?re right it is a good thing that there is no positive aspect to drinking for me anymore. Because I don?t want DS to see me, I do it when he?s at his dad?s and then all I feel is loneliness and it?s intense. I?m feeling a lot better today, both physically and emotionally and the shame of it has lost its sting a bit. I?ve definitely done worse things drunk and I know that this weekend I irritated people rather than hurt them, but inside I was in a lot more pain than I?ve ever been before and I won?t forget that bit.

Hi CalaLily ? good to see you still posting. It?s not pathetic that you don?t drink a great deal ? quite the opposite. Also, if you drank a full bottle of wine last night indoors, alone, then that?s still enough to raise a few eye-brows. There are women in AA who only ever drank half a bottle of wine each night, and they did that for years and years. That?s unusual though because consumption normally increases over time as you become more tolerant. For me, and most others, we started off over-indulging like you are, and it just got worse.

Hiding full bottles of alcohol from people that we know will challenge us or be disappointed is a big problem. So, is needing to drink and worrying about how much you?re having. I know you know all of this already. Would you go to AA? You don?t have to commit long term. Or, just post on here every night about how you feel, or if there?s private things that you don?t want to post about, do as your DH suggested and write in a journal. A lot of people drink because they don?t like the way they feel and you?ve been honest enough to admit that your living arrangements are stressful and you?re lacking in support. Writing it down means you have to put the thoughts in a logical order and you start to really understand what the feelings are, instead of just recognising them as a generic negative emotion that can be lifted with a drink.

Whatever you do, keep posting. You?re not rambling and even if you were, so what! I think it?s great that we can all be honest on here without trying to impress one another or because we?re afraid of being judged and shamed into doing what other people think is right.

How is everyone else doing today?

Thanks for your message BM.

I've done it again and have had a whole bottle of wine tonight . the final glass from last night i had at 11:30 this morning.

I know I need help, but don't know where to get it. I am loathe to go to my GP as I'm shit scared that someone will try to take my kids away. the tolerance thing i can relate to...what started off as a glass a night has quickly worked its way up to a bottle.

I thought about AA, but it's very difficult for me with DH away all the time and two DCs to look after.....and they are such gorgeous DCs too. I often feel they don't deserve a mum like me.

When DH is here it's easy. He makes me herbal tea and doesn;t drink his beer or whisky.

I only drink wine or g'n't usually. I used to drink whisky but lost then taste for it. I can't drink beer cos I'm coeliac and it would make me ill.

The irony of that is not lost on me, and then i think surely if i was an alcoholic i would drink the beer (and whisky) regardless

Fuck it, I'm a bit pissed. I'm so glad I'm just talking to myself.

BM; in your early posts on the old thread you said you were a namechanger. As a point of interest, do you still post under your old name? I'm not being cheeky and trying to find out who you are, it's just that I feel that this incarnation of me is more real than the one that is quite a prolific poster iyswim.

I know I have to get up tomorrow and do the school run, and make a pack lunch, and DD will probably be up early morning.

so i shall now crawl to bed.

Sorry, very ride of me to do a post that was all about me

How have you been BM?

ride i mean rude