Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

Ah yes, the memory loss. When I was drinking heavily most nights were lost. I read somewhere(think it was an AA site) 'the nights I can't remember are the ones I'll never forget' or something like that, which really struck a chord for me. Looking back makes me shudder inwardly, but you have to, as part of the recovery process. Sometimes I need to remind myself of how I was, to help prevent going there again, because its too easy to forget...

Hi folks, good to see others posting on the thread. How's it been going over the past couple of days?

been moderate! which is good since my mum was visiting and we can put it away sometimes...but have had two nights drinking, a bottle between us each night, last night off.
have guests for dinner tonight though and am feeling hacked off which is double danger. boring rant coming up! had someone come in to fix the shower today, and whilst i was out with the baby my dp was here. the shower man came, took ages, was still working when we got back at 1. my dp had been texting me furiously saying he was dying for a piss. felt really annoyed! i texted back to tell him to either go in a bottle, go in our back garden, or go at our friends house opposite who we have keys for! is it petty of me to be cross that i have to solve his toilet problems whilst doing the childcare? when i came back he was so angry at the shower fixing taking so long (after initially saying it would take 5 mins), and hadn't asked how much longer it will be, and complained he was starving and hadn't had lunch or been able to get on with anything cos he was expecting to let this man out any minute. hadn't even been able to wash up! so im feeling petty and cross at him being a bit pathetic...
will try and be reasonable again tonight. i mean both with drinking and with my moodiness at dp.
everyone else?!?

MaeBee ? that kind of thing used to piss me off with my ex-p too. Hope you?ve de-stressed now and are still managing to drink moderately.

Teasle ? the memory loss makes me shudder too. I drank mostly alone and used to piece the night together by reading my MSN message log and checking emails and text messages. I think I was lucky not to suffer too many blackouts ? but who knows really! I do know that most of the time, after piecing the night together I had a good idea what I?d done and who I?d upset, but I couldn?t tell you for the life of me why I?d done it. When I look back on the things I said and the arguments I created I have no idea whatsoever what was going through my mind to make me react as I did ? and that does make me shudder.

So, how is everyone else doing? Saturday nights are the hardest for me as it?s so easy to tell myself that it?s normal to have a drink and that starts off the for and against feud in my head.

Hope everyone?s having a good weekend so far.

I think I should go to a meeting.I keep bottling ringing the local help number. Any help? Advice BM or Kokeshi please would be appreciated. I have spoken to someone I really respect who has advised me to do this. Its an idea I have been considering for months. Do I just turn up or what? Should I ring the local helpline and talk to someone first?BM can I CAT you?

Teasle, please do CAT me. I'd be happy to help if I can.

I called the helpline and my number was passed on to a local lady who would take me to meetings or chat on the phone if I wanted. There's no pressure to actually make it for a meeting if you change your mind and if you do attend and then decide it's not for you that's ok too.

You could search on the AA database www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/meetings/wtf.html to find a meeting near you and just turn up to it without calling the helpline, if you'd prefer to do that.

I think it would be great for you to go along and see what you make of it. I hear so much in other peoples shares that relate to me and it really helps me to feel ok with myself.

Hope you're ok tonight.

hi all, just clocking in really cos i think that helps me keep my drinking under control!

an okay tally on the units last week, was 26 in total which is more than im aiming for but less than the week before.am trying to keep it under 25 this week.

thanks for letting me rant. am thinking maybe my period coming back which is filling me with both joy and rage!

teasle - good luck with aa...am interested in hearing peoples experience, although its a route i don't want to go if i can help it. i don't think i share the theory about what an alcoholic is, the concept of disease etc. but i do know it definately works for a lot of people.

Hi MaeBee

Well done on reducing your units last week and good luck for keeping it under 25 this week.

PMT is an absolute killer for me now. I never noticed it when I was drinking ? I suppose I felt like shite permanently then LOL. I don?t agree with everything in AA either. I just take the bits that I find helpful and leave the rest behind. I break disease down into dis-ease and that works for me.

How is everyone else doing?

brassic - some people find pmt much worse after having babies. is that your case maybe, as well as the boozing of course...
i have to admit, despite my doubts (fears?) about AA, everyone i know who has gone that route seems un-cultish still!
me and dp had a bottle of wine between us last night cos trying penetrative sex again (still painful and unjoyous after all this time). next drinking night is friday when im off out so more of a challenge not to go overboard...

I find that eveything to do with periods gets worse as I've got older. Possibly due to the age/children combo. I never noticed when I was drinking either, but do now. I think I just shuffled roung feeling shite most of the time anyway.
BM and Maebee- thanks for your replies!

Hi there

Can I join in with this thread?

I'm a regular MNer but I've re-registered with a diferent talkname for this as I am truly ashamed of myself at the moment and don't want my regular chat buddies to know how I feel as I'm always hideously cheerful.

The day is only just half way through and I have just drunk a glass of red wine . I feel bloody awful, but couldn't stop myself. I have known that I have had a problem with alcohol for many years, but just haven't want ed to admit it. Today is the first time I have ever drunk anything before teatime, although the urge/need has been there in the past.

My baby is asleep in the other room and i feel just awful, awful.

I gave up alcohol when I was pregnant for the first trimester (too ill to do anything), but after that did drink a few glasses of red wine per week.

there was one week when I was around 5 months pregnant when I drank a wine sized glass of port every night. I feel so awful and guilty about what damage I may have caused to my DD and am constantly looking at her for signs of FAS.

I have suffered from depression for many years, and my preganancy was just horrible a real emotional rollercoaster. I started taking ADs late on and am still on them but feel they are not doing much good. My husband is away a lot and I am trying (and failing) to bring up two kids on my own. My five year old DS must hate me as I do not have any time for him and we seem to spend all our time together screaming at each ohter. I've smacked him so many times that when i raise my voice he sits on the floor and shouts "don't smack me mummy" I hate myself for that.

I have felt like packing a case and just leaving on more than one occasion as my kids don't need a mum like me but something always holds me back at the last minute. I thought about suicide when I was pregnant but after two miscarriages, I just couldn't do it as my baby was wanted so much.

god I could go on and on and on....

sorry for the long post. I have lurked on this thread for months now and have never had the courage to post. Doing it under a different name seemed the best way to do it.

Calalily,

What an awful time you're having, and of course you're welcome to join the thread. Thanks so much for your honesty, it must have been really difficult to post that, but well done for having the courage to admit it.

Ok, first stop beating yourself up for what you've done in the past, there's nothing you can do to change that now. What you can do is make a decision on a daily basis not to lift that first drink.

Sounds simple eh? You will need some support at the same time so I would recommend giving AA a call and getting to a meeting.

You can do this, and life without being a prisoner of booze is second to none. Teasle and MAeBee, I would definitely suggest giving AA a go as well. What do you have to lose? How are thngs going with you BM? I was interested to read what you were saying about disease/ dis-ease. It's amazing how we can make it work for us if we really want to.

PLease keep posting and sharing your thoughts and feelings. A important part of being able to handle life without drink is the ability to deal with your emotions, and talking about it is the first step in this process.

If there are any lurkers, jump right in and post. The water's fine

Thanks Kokeshi

I have never faced up to these demons before and it is really really hard. My DH who is normally away through the week has just got back. I am going to have a good chat with him after the DCs are in bed and tell him what's been going on.

After I posted I drank a gin and tonic.....then poured the gin down the sink. then cos there was no gin I had a whisky, but that is DHs so I can't pour it away as it is a really nice malt.

I actually went to school to pick DS up feeling half pissed

I feel like I've pressed a self destruct button and am being sucked into a whirlpool that I can't get out of.

DH is home, so I have to go now, but will be back later.

I know I can do this.

Hi CalaLily

I haven?t got much time but just wanted to post something supportive to you.

I?m really sorry that you?re having such a hard time. I can?t post about it but I understand your fears about FAS. I went through something similar and I didn?t tell anyone about it for almost 4 years after DS was born. It was absolute torture so my heart goes out to you. I just lived with this awful guilt and worry and it was completely out of proportion. I told my GP eventually who said that I had to accept that I?d personally found pregnancy difficult and that I?d done what I had to do to get through it. She didn?t reassure me or condemn me. She just listened and sympathised and it helped an awful lot.

Good luck for your chat with DH tonight. I hope you?re able to lighten the load a bit. I also appreciate your honesty on here. As Kokeshi said. it does take courage. I?ll try and look in tonight to see if you?ve posted some more.

xx

Hi there CalaLily- it must have taken some guts to write that post. Well done. I think you have taken a huge step just to even post something on here. Hope you are ok tonight.

Thanks for the welcome

I'm feeling much better now; a problem shared and all that.

My DH has been great. He just sat there and listened to me and then held me while I cried. I really don't deserve him. He is going to do all he can to help me through this, including getting rid of his whisky.

I think if I stop drinking all the rest will fall into place. Mornings with my DS have been hell cos my head is foggy from too much wine the night before....after school is hell cos all i can think about is getting the kids in bed so i can open a bottle of wine....i usually drink three or four glasses a night, but it has been creeping up and I have been drinking more at the weekend.

I haven't had a break from drinking for nearly three months, so I know that this is going to be hard, very hard.

I hope that I can do it. I need to be able to do it for the sake of my sanity and for my realtionship with my DS and for my marriage.

Thanks for just listening to me, it's good to know that there are people out there who won't judge, especially as I feel so low about myself that I'm convinced everyone thinks I'm a terrible wife and mother.

I will let you know how I get on.
Cxx

So pleased that you've managed to be honest with your DH and that he is supporting you. Keep posting and telling us how you feel, as there may be some physical effects to you stopping drinking. Maybe see your GP for advice?

I was at a meeting on Sunday. The sharer said samething to me that really struck a cord.

"Alcohol gave me wings to fly, then it took away the sky".

Don't minimise how you feel in the next few days, what you're doing requires real courage and we're right here with you.

Thanks Kokeshi

I checked out the local AA meetings. There is one, but it is only once a month and at eight in the evening. DH is away through the week so getting a baby sitter is difficult...and I'm also not sure I want to take that step yet. I feel like it's one thing admitting to myself and DH that I have a problem, but a whole other ballgame admitting it to the world. If that makes any sense.

I'm seeing my consultant tomorrow at the neo natal mother and baby unit for my PND. I don't even want to share with him that I've been drinking as I'm not meant to with the ADs. DH says he will come in and prod me into being honest.

This evening I have had three cans of diet coke and a mug of herbal tea. Easy when DH is here....he's arranged to work from home till Friday and then me and the DCs are going to stay with him at his digs. So I'll have him with me till Sunday evening....

I'll try to check in tomorrow.

calalilly - many strong thoughts to you. it sounds to me as if loneliness is a bit of a problem for you, connected to drinking? sorry if im jumping the gun here, but just from your posts, it sounds as if when your partner is around you cope much better. and it also sounds as if your esteem is really low right now. its important to recall that guilt and self hatred are common symptoms of a hangover. i get what i call non-specific guilt when im convinced ive done something wrong.
is your PND and drinking all tied together in your head?
it sounds too as if you live somewhere quite isolated. do you have good friends or family you like nearby?
is there anyway your partner could not work away so much?
my drinking was at its worst when i moved to the countryside for a year. i thought living close to nature would sort me out a bit, but i didn't have any friends there and was drinking on my own instead. thats not to berate the countryside! but loneliness was one of my "triggers" for drinking.
as for me and my quest to drink moderately, this week seems to be going smoothly...

Hi Maebee....thanks for your message.

I suppose loneliness has a lot to do with it. I do find looking after my DCs on my own quite a challenge and the temptation to sink into a chair with a glass of wine is too hard to resist most nights. I do have some friends around, but like me they all have DCs so we tend not to see each other in the evenings. I live in quite a big city, but my family are 250 miles away and I only see them four or five times a year.

I moved here when DH and I got married two years ago and I admit that I don;t know that many people, although the friends I have are very good friends.

This evening hasn't been too difficult (but it is early and I have been thinking about a glass of wine since mid afternoon)...I'm rekindling my love of herbal tea, as i can't keep drinking diet coke...it keeps me awake at night.

It was nice to wake up with a clear head this morning though, and for once I didn't shout at my DS. There is something to be said for sobriety.

I just can't believe that this needs to be a permanent arrangement. I can't quite think that I have a problem with alcohol, but over the last five years there are only a handful of times (outside of my pregnancy) when I haven't had a drink every night. It started when i moved back to my parents when my DS was only 6 months old. My parents used to have a whisky of an evening and I started joining them in a glass of wine and it's gone on since then, apart from at the beginning of my pregnancy.

Sorry if this seems a bit rambling, I'm just spilling what is goiing around inside my head at the moment. In some ways it's good that this thread isn't that busy so I can just ramble. It'a also nice that no-one is judging. This is my biggest fear in RL.

Anyway...thanks for letting me ramble on

I should add my in-laws are near by, but I don't think my MIL holds me in very high esteem. whether that is true or down to my depression and anxiety I'm not sure, but they are very hard work. They do take our eldest for daytrips and he stays with them regularly so that helps.

DHs line of work is quite specialised and there was no work for him here after he was made redundant. He is in a dream job that is very well paid, but unfortunately it's 120 miles away. He is usu away 4 nights a week, sometimes more sometimes less. We have talked about me and the DCs moving there with him, but at least here I have a support network, albeit a small one. There neither of us would have family or friends except his few work colleagues. But, we would be together, although quite rural so more isolated. It is a very difficult decision.

calalilly - you sound more clear headed and hopeful in your last posts! maybe from not drinking last night?
your comment about not drinking being a permanant arrangement, i can really relate to that fear. BUT, although i think AA are of that belief (correct me if im wrong AA'ers!) its by no means a universally accepted concept of what a drink problem is. i personally believe that a drink problem is about drinking too much, not a certain type of person drinking at all. for some total abstinence is indeed the best solution, cos its easier in some ways than moderation. for others, like, i hope, myself, and maybe you too, moderation can be done.
most people i know have had a drink problem at some stage in their life, often at university or when young and they go out boozing and bingeing. then for many it seems to settle, but for some of us it doesn't!
im not being very eloquent here, but what im trying to say is that whilst "all or nothing" works for many, especially those who have hit rock bottom, its not necessarily for all of us.

Hello, could I join this thread? I've been lurking here for a while and reading it has made me feel so much more confident about addressing my drinking.

I think like Cala Lily I can only remember a handful of times over the past several years (except when I was pregnant) that I haven't had at least a couple of glasses of wine a day. I drink when I don't want to and then feel so angry with myself the next day. I think I was just scared of people being judgemental or thinking I was stupid and weak for just not stopping. Reading this thread has been great and I've found that those fears aren't true, and I've now had two alcohol free days. Not much yet but I'm feeling really pleased with myself. Thanks so much.

Hi folks, it's good to see the thread active again, and it is an enormous achievement to not drink in the day. Actually, that's what AA is all about really. When I wake up in the morning, it's only ever about not drinking about that particular day. That's all any of us have.

It's one of the scariest things I'd ever considered. A life without booze just didn't seem possible, but just taking it a day at a time for me has added up to quite a few sober-days-in-a-row. And you know what? Drink just isn't a feature in my life now. For someone who was drinking about a litre and a half of vodka of a whole wine box in a day, that is truly amazing.

So what I'm saying is that in AA all I was told was to keep it in the day and keep going back to AA for support. The loneliness is a killer, one of the biggest triggers for my drinking. So When I went to meetings, it replaced that and introduced me to people who truly empathised with how I felt. Which was pretty shite at the end to be honest.

I also had to acknowledge that one of reasons I drank was the I had a problem dealing with my emotions. I didn't have any coping mechanisms per se, and I used drink to change how I feel. That really is how we can tell we're using drink in an abnormal way. So it doesn't really matter the quantity that we drink (I was quite an extreme case) it's the motivation for us doing it. Whether a person drinks all day every day, or can't go without a bottle of wine in the evening, we all need the same solution: finding a way of living a happy and content life withour resorting to drinking.

This might seem a bit abstract at the moment, but please don't be frightened of AA. The word alcoholic has a huge stigma attached to it, so if that doesn't work for you, substitute it for something else. No-one will ever force you to stop drinking if you don't want to, but just be aware that there is a support network out there is you do find that you are struggling with living life without drink, on a daily basis.

Most importantly for now keep posting and talking about your feelings, because inevitably, this is always what took me back to drink. No-one from AA will ever tell you you're an alcoholic, it's just a group of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with one another so that they may solve their common problem and to help others to recover too.

Take care.

Hi CalaLily ? feel free to ramble away on here . Your living arrangements do sound tough and I totally relate to difficult in-laws, depression, anxiety and loneliness. My drinking was tied up in those feelings too. Well done for getting on the wagon. That was the hardest part for me and I find it gets easier and easier with every day that you resist. How did you manage last night?

MaeBee ? I?ve thought about this so much over the past few months and I still don?t know what I believe. I agree with you that anyone who drinks too much or behaves badly when under the influence has a drink problem, but that I?d struggle to name many people who haven?t done either during their lives, and they can?t all be alcoholics. I?d be interested to hear a Doctors opinion on alcoholism as opposed to AA?s. When I went to the substance abuse clinic and asked if I was an alcoholic I was told that they don?t use that terminology and that many clients go back to safe drinking after counselling. I know I couldn?t have done that. I think most people in AA are like me ? they tried to stop for 3 months, tried controlled drinking and made a load of rules that they couldn?t stick to, and so ended up in AA because there was no other option.

Maybe the relationship that we have with alcohol is like our relationship with food. I?m overweight because I eat too much junk food but as much as I want to eat healthily and lose some weight, I find it very difficult to control what I eat. I see that as over-indulging though and nothing like the problems my sister has with anorexia or my SIL has with binge eating. I don?t eat/starve to control my feelings and my diet doesn?t have a drastic effect on my life. I?m just not motivated enough to change and I love the taste of fatty food . I?m not sure how to explain myself properly on this, but I agree with you. A drink problem is not necessarily the same as alcoholism, and I agree with AA that alcoholics must abstain completely.

Hi EnglishTeeth ? of course you can join in. Good to have you here. Well done on 2 alcohol free days. It is a big deal and so you should feel pleased with yourself. Are you hoping to return to social drinking after a period of abstinence or are you hoping to be done with it now? Good luck for today.