Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

HB I am so sorry to hear your news. My friend had breast cancer and the treatment and she is doing and looking fabulous. As Kokeshi said please please keep posting on this thread to let us know how you are. Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts for a quick recovery.
XX

Thank you for all your kind words. It means a lot. Dh and I talked to the surgeon yesterday and I may have the next operation as soon as next week if they don't have to do a full masectomy. I'm less panicky about it now, and one of my doggy friends is a healer. We'll see. We were supposed to be leaving today but we decided that it would be better to have the operation sooner than later than for me to have to come back.

Drink-wise, probably nothing to write home about. I've drunk quite a lot, but I would think it was normal were it not for the government banging on that 3 glasses of wine is a binge

So glad you posted hellobello, and that they're progressing your treatment quickly. It's probably for the best that you remain where you are until treatment is over, perhaps when you do go away it will give you a chance to convalesce somewhere that you feel confortable. Am I right in thinking you don't like where you are geographically at the moment?

You know, I think it's great that you have a healer, when I was going through my hearing loss I tried alternative therapies (reiki, chiropractic, homeopathy) and I found even having that belief in something made me feel a bit lighter.

Please keep posting and using us as a support network if you feel it helps at all. We're all rooting for you.

Glad you're feeling calmer HB and hope you find some comfort in your healer friend. Keep us posted. You're in my thoughts xx

So, it was DS's first day back at school today and I didn't sleep a wink last night because I was so anxious about it. Everything went well at first, DS woke up in a good mood, didn't make a fuss about breakfast, washing or dressing, but it all went downhill as soon as we got in the playground. We were there really early because I didn't know where his knew classroom was and I thought I must have mislaid a letter about it or something. I hadn't and none of his class mates mums knew where to queue either and DS got really wound up about it and I felt like it was all my fault for getting him there too early and prolonging the stress of it for him.

He's in his room playing now but he's had tantrum after tantrum since I collected him. I'm hoping it's just tiredness and he'll perk up a bit after having some quiet time and dinner.

I wanted to go to a meeting tonight but DS's dad has been held up. I just want to sit in a peaceful environment. I'm feeling really pissed off and sad

How has everyone else's day been?

Hi BM, Sorry your day ended up being a bit stressful. I hope things will settle down after he gets used to the new routine. I've started replying to your email but I'm due to go out for my meeting so just wanted to check in first.

I had the police at the door today. Apparently I filled up my car with petrol at the morrison's garage on saturday and drove off . I have absolutely NO recollection of this, and can only think that I had so much going on in my head that I just shut off. Quite scary though. Like a sober blackout! Nothing like this has ever happened to me in sobriety so I'm hoping it was just the stress of all that's going on at the moment.

I've just got a new sponsor, had a birthday and realised how much shit I still have to do to sort my past out. For a while, when I was dealing with being deaf, that's all I had to think about. Now, the daily grind is eating at me again and I know that's dangerous let go.

I can't believe I had the police at the door! Jesus. Best go and pay them back, and get off to my meeting!

I hope everyone else is doing OK. Please post and let us know. Thinking of you hellobello.

xxx

eh? Thought I'd posted that at 6.30pm. My head really is up my arse.

Don't beat yourself up Kokeshi, we all do unintentionally silly things and I hope the police understood - they were probably smiling when they left you. The daily grind is what gets to us all from time to time; when it gets too much for me, I try and take some time out and read (before I would automatically have reached for the sauvignon blanc). What work do you do? Have just started on the Big Book and am very cross I can't carry on reading it now cos I'm at work (so I'm here instead doing something useful!).

Was this morning better with your DS, BM? Apart from the daily grind, is there anything you enjoy doing when they're at school and how are the meetings going? Feeling OK today after bad bad day yesterday. After 10 days off the sauce, I relapsed on Tuesday night (a craving just hit me out of nowhere and I just had to drink) and a bottle of wine disappeared in next to no time. Just glad there wasn't a second one to get tucked into. Have spoken to a couple of lovely AA ladies and am glad there's support out there. The drink made me feel totally wretched afterwards and hopefully it's another nail in my boozer's coffin. Am finding it hard to get to many meetings because of work/childcare commitments so only managing one a week. One AA friend suggested that I get signed off work for a few weeks (because I'm going through a divorce I'm sure my GP could say it's for stress reasons) and then I could really blitz the meetings. What do you think?
And BarbieGirl, how's it going for you?

Hi mocca,

great to see you again and thanks for your kind words! it was just bizarre, and the policemen did laugh when they saw my reaction. I still don't remember going to get petrol though!

About the relapse...it happens to loads of people when they first come in. I would say in my experience only a few "get it" on the first attempt, especially if you haven't gone right down the line with the drink. Sometimes it takes a few relapses within the context of AA to really convince ourselves that we are indeed alcoholic. (That's not official by the way, just an observation!).

That's kinda why I think it's best at the beginning not to throw yourself into the programme immediately. You have to give yourself time to actually understand what is being asked of you, and that this programme is a daily, lifetime commitment to help you live a sober life and stay away from booze.

The best lessons you are learning right now are through your own experience and will help you move on. It sounds like you're under a hell of a lot of stress right now, and your default coping strategy is drinking. Why not take some time off from work if you can? It will give you some head space so that you're not juggling too many things at the same time? I think you would definitely benefit from hammering meetings and you do sound quite keen to go.

You asked what I do for a living? Well, various things. I make films, run a company with my partner and do a bit of web design. Filmmaking is my first love, but losing my hearing kinda put the kybosh on that for a bit. I guess I just have to get right back in there again.

I'm booking a flight to Australia in the next few weeks. I will be an Australian Permanent resident and it's quite daunting, the prospect of going back to the place that I was at my lowest ebb. Hoping that I can erase some of those bad memories though.

HOpe you're well folks, sign in and let us know.

Thanks K, am "getting it" slowly! Your career sounds intersting and I hope things work out for you in Aus. I was born in Sydney to an Aussie dad and German mum but whisked away at the tender age of 7 months to come and live here. Would very much like to visit next year as have never been back. Do you mind me asking how you lost your hearing? I have a deaf cousin (moreorless from birth). It must be a real challenge to cope with hearing loss if it's in adulthood.
Thanks again.

Kokeshi, I?m glad the police officers saw the humorous side of the situation. I know what you mean though ? it is frightening and confusing to find out from the police what you did and still have no memory of it. I think we?re all functioning on auto-pilot so much though, because of worries and stress that we overlook things all the time. Don?t be hard on yourself about it. Years ago I went into M&S for lunch, picked up a sandwich, stuck it my bag and walked out the store. I only realised I?d ?stolen? it when I was sitting on a bench outside eating it. I didn?t have the balls to walk back in with a half eaten sandwich so I sort of sneaked off sheepishly . I really beat myself up about what an idiot I was though and how humiliating it would have been if I?d have been ?caught?.

Are you able to have a real stress-free break soon? The last year has been a rollercoaster experience for you. You deserve some time to relax and recharge, or at least to take things slower. I hope you?re feeling ok today x

Hi mocca. Well done for putting the relapse behind you. How did you find it btw? When I?ve relapsed it?s been such an anti-climax. I?ve kidded myself that a drink would be heaven, but in reality it was disappointing/miserable. I also realised that drink makes me more aggressive if I try to limit myself, which is worthwhile for me because I struggled to believe that I could never go back to social drinking again. So, it?s true for me: 1 is too many and 100 is not enough. Definitely try and get some time off work to attend more meetings and do some nice things for yourself.

DS was fine this morning. His dad took him to school so I could sleep in and they are spending the evening at his flat. He?s moving out gradually over the next few days and I think we?re both relieved to be getting back to normal. It?s bliss to sit here in peace and quiet and type this post without interruptions. I?d forgotten how much I enjoy time on my own.

Hope everyone is well today. Good luck for a sober evening

Hi folks, just posting on here quickly, DP and I are off to Edinburgh for a training weekend with the charity LINK that helped me so much when I was losing my hearing.

Mocca, my hearing went over the course of about 7 weeks, starting about one year ago. I have been diagnosed with Idiopathic Profound Bilateral Sensorineural Hearing Loss. Meaning I'm deaf as a post in both ears and they have no clue why it happened. It was a hellish time to be honest. Couldn't get to AA meetings either.

But, in that time I was assessed, found suitable, was operated on in April and given a cochlear implant on one side. I now have some sense of hearing, but nothing like natural sound, and even though it's fantastic I do get down about it now and again. Really I think now is the time it's all hitting me, there's nothing on the horizon, the excitement of getting the implant and being switched on is over. Now I have to live with the fact and I irreversibly deafened. There's a whole saga starting from last year, if you are ever bored and want to fill an evening search on my name with the word hearing! It won't cheer you up but may cure any insomnia you have

Thanks both of you, I may get a chance to relax when we go to Oz, things are looking good and it may just be the break that we both need. Oh mocca, you have dual citizenship then? Make full use of it, it's a fantastic place!

BM, it's good that things are getting back to normal for you. Do you feel confident in yourself that you'll be OK alone? I only ask because it's the loneliness that always gets me. My last relapse was when DP went down to her sister's in Northampton and I realised just how much I do hate being on my own. Are you planning more meetings during the day now?

Right, I'd best get off guys, I'm taking my laptop through to Edinburgh so will hopefully have the chance to check in. Have a lovely drink-free evening whatever you do.

Have a lovely weekend together Kokeshi. Hope it's not all work

The loneliness is what worries me the most about EX-P moving out. It's a killer for me. I hope I've had enough relapses now though to really know that drink just intensifies the feeling. Everytime I've relapsed I've done the same things - felt lonely, got drunk, got drunker, felt lonelier...then text'/phoned someone and embarrassed myself. Somehow, so far I've convinced myself that it will be different each time and I am afraid that I'll fall through the same trap again. He's not going to keep DS overnight for a while though, for all our sakes not just mine, so for now I'll be ok so long as I concentrate on staying sober for when he comes home. I know I'm supposed to be staying sober for me and mainly I am. It's good to have DS to rely on me though as when I feel down I don't have the self-worth to keep enthusiastic about sobriety just for me.

I am more confident about it than I was though and sobriety feels less like a prison sentance and more of an adventure than it did before the relapses, so that's positive I think. Maybe it's a blessing that I'm not 100% certain because that could lead to complacency about attending meetings and then I'd be in trouble again. I never thought I'd need the meetings to keep me sober...but I do!

I haven't done any day time meetings yet. I've mislaid my WTF book so if I don't find it before tomorrow night I'll get a new one. I'm thinking of doing Monday and Wednesday daytime, Friday evening at Putney and then a Saturday night meeting when DS eventually starts spending occasional weekends with his dad again. I mustn't talk myself into staying home on those weekends as I know the outcome to that. No uncertainty there.

Anyway, I've had a lovely day doing absolutely nothing so I must at least put some washing on and have a tidy round.

Barbiegirl - meant to ask after you after reading mocca's post earlier. Let us know how you're getting on. I know you're not intending to quit for good but don't let that stop you from posting if you want some support.

damn. i thought i wouldn't find myself posting on here, cos i thought i had everything under control, but i think ive been kidding myself.

my drinking was way out of control before i got pregnant (about 70 units a week), been really good during pregnancy (1 glass a week tops) and then early breastfeeding. but now my boy is 11 mths and i have more freedom to go out and not feeding at nights, ive basically noticed my drinking has worsened. i seem to have a hangover every week and this morning my boy fell down a couple of stairs cos i wasn't paying enough attention due to hangover. hewas fine but i felt shocked that it happened.
I have gone up to about 30 units a week, and basically seem to have a couple of days of binge drinking plus two moderate nights.
i don't want to give up! but i would rather not drink again than get back to where i was. im giving it a last go at trying to control it,before giving up completely.
sorry for being lazy but theres a lot of threads on here! has anyone had any success at controlling drinking or is everyone going the AA route?

I'm in a similar situation to you - I drink too much, then not at all, then a bit, then too much again. In all, too much. I'm not going down the AA route although I think it is a great support. I accept that I probably havn't tried very hard. If you don't want to stop drinking, then perhaps there are other avenues to follow - alcohol may not be your primary concern.

Thank you all for your kind words. I've been looking at the Breast Cancer website and I've been crying a lot over the last few days.

Today we saw the surgeon who said that I can wait a bit to have the masectomy and reconstruction. I also saw my neighbour who is a healer and she was positive. So was her dog! I think words go round in the dog world!

It looks as though we'll be going away next week. I'm quite nervous about living in a country where alcohol kills people far more than it does here - it's north of the Orkneys!

I'm told that Tallinn is a bit like Scotland. I really hope so.

Wanted to reply to you sooner MaeBee and hope you aren't hungover this morning. I'm not and I can honestly say it feels fantastic. Like you, was quite a big drinker before my D (now 7), then not much again until I stopped breast-feeding. Separated from my H at the beginning of the year and in recent weeks it's got totally out of control - blacking out, acting crazy etc. I started going to AA a couple of weeks ago but after a meeting last Thursday have decided it's not for me. I really know I have a problem but I don't identify with most of the people there although a lot of them are lovely and it's a great support if you need it.

I've decided to really cut back and it's worked for me for the past 2 weeks. I was utterly tired of the boring hangovers and getting emotional when I drank (nearly always alone). Also my D had started to notice how drink was affecting me - I had turned to it particurlarly in the last month because my H has a new girlfriend and I was really cut up about it. I agree with HB that maybe drinking is not your main concern and I think that's the case with me. Anyway, I have told myself clearly that I absolutely must not drink alone because that's when it can get dangerous. And despite one or two cravings which I've got on top of, I haven't. I've started deciding at the beginning of each week when I can drink and how much and that's working too. It's my 50th birthday today and I'll be celebrating but will be drinking with other people and at the same rate as them. I'm hopeful this will work but if it doesn't then I certainly will go back to AA because it does help. Also I want to stick to 14 units a week and drinking on 2-3 days max and ideally no more than 6 units each time. That way, I know I won't be hungover and believe me, I know the misery of feeling like shit when you've got a little one to look after all day. It just isn't worth it and I hope you can find new ways to relax at the end of the day.

If you're tempted, please post here and I'll try to answer as quick as I can. And I hope I can do the same if I'm tempted. One more thing, 70 units per week is a phenomenal amount and would certainly be damaging your health if you didn't stop. 30 is too much as well - that's what I've been doing and it really takes it's toll. And HB, good to hear from you and glad you're feeling more positive about your treatement.

HI MaeBee

BarbieGirl hasn?t posted for a few days, but she isn?t going the AA route either. I think she?s trying to be alcohol free for a set period of time before going back to moderate drinking. Maybe you could try it that way too. I?ve been (mostly) sober for about 3 months now and I know from the occasional relapses that my tolerance to alcohol decreases and the cravings lose their severity with a bit of time. Because I?m an alcoholic though I just use less alcohol to get to the level of drunkenness that I want and I still have the dreadful hangovers and guilt to deal with the next morning, plus my tolerance is back to what it was after 4 or 5 days anyway, so I?m back to square one in all respects.

Good luck with however you decide to do it, and let us know how it goes.

HB, good luck for your move next week. I?m really sorry you?ve got this huge worry on top of an already extremely stressful situation. I expect you?ve got zillions of things to do this week but hopefully you?ll have time to post and let us know how you are. Very best of luck to you and your family xx

Hi mocca. What a shame it didn?t work out at AA. Was it a bad meeting or did you decide that abstinence wasn?t for you? I hated the first meeting that I went to and I would have been thoroughly depressed had that been the only one I could get to. If you?ve decided to drink again then I do understand why because that is incompatible with the whole AA structure. Sorry, I?m being nosey now but I won?t try and convince you to go back, whatever it was that changed your mind. Like you said it?s still there for you if you change your mind anyway, but I hope controlled drinking works out for you and you won?t have to.

Happy birthday Hope you enjoy your celebrations tonight, including a few drinks.

I completely agree with your rules btw. Max 14 units per week, max 2-3 drinking days per week and max 6 units per night and no drinking alone under any circumstances. It didn?t work for me because I couldn?t stick to those rules but I hope it works for you. Don?t stop posting though

hi all!
thanks for your words, and its interesting to hear the different ways everyone is doing it. i know 70 units was a crazy amount, thats why i really don't want to get back to that, and 30 too much too.had a beer yesterday at a party, but only one,and due another one today at a bbq. i feel really happy when i manage the moderate route!
am feeling less guilty about the boy falling downstairs as he's absolutely fine, and think it was hungover guilt. that nonspecific find something to beat yourself up about.
mocca - im going to implement a plan like yours too. think im going to stretch it to 20 units for now though, and then bring it down, cos 14 is so little and i dont want to set myself up for failure. but the 2 - 3 days max, no more than 6 units is something i want to start.

brassicmonkey - glad AA is working for you. i have friends who swear by it. ive been so lucky, having friends and a partner who have gone sober with me in solidarity, and i have hope that i can do it without that. its my last shot though.

hellobello - it sounds like you are dealing emotionally with the breast cancer admirably.i don't want to scare you more, but a friend of mine recently went through treatment and she decided to give up alcohol cos it can aggrevate breast cancer. im not sure where she found that out, but it might be something to look into. are you interested in herbs to support the immune system and stuff? i would say its worth looking into. i wish you all the very very best.and good luck with the move! thats a lot to take on. i totally empathise with how you might really want a few wines to see you through that.

It's a good idea to try and control drinking! I can't count units that well. A bottle of wine has about 10 units in it although officially a bottle has only 6. When they did the measurements, most wine was about 9%. Now it's more like 12.5-13%. There are some wines that are lower in alcohol but when I'm shopping I'm more likely to go for what's on offer. I am very aware that alcohol and cancer don't mix well. I don't think alcohol mixes very well with anything much. I am still not smoking though and I'm really struggling with that one.

You seem to be far busier these days BM. You are a changed woman! Well done!

Hi everyone. I think that its great if you can actually control the amount you drink. I used to tell myself that I could do that, but eventually I had to accept that I couldn't. I do know that lots of people who have drunk heavily CAN control it, but it doesn't work for me so I have to abstain.

BM I know its the same for you. I sometimes think that it would be nice at some point in the future for me to be able to have say one glass of wine...just one... but then I know I'd be kidding myself. I know exactly what you mean about tolerance levels returning quickly if you slip.

Sometimes its just all so hard isn't it?
(shuffles off to make cup of tea)

What are your support networks like? other than AA? I'm just being nosy, but I do have a really good group of friends who I have increasingly come out to over the past 7 months or so regarding my past drinking, and the support from them has been invaluable.

Hi teasle. I don?t really have a non AA support network. My EX-P is the only real life person that knows the full extent of my drink problem and the only one that knows I?m in AA and can never drink again. I casually told one of the school mums recently, just to try it out and see how I felt about saying it and to see how she reacted. It felt odd and I regretted it so I don?t think I?ll do it again. I can?t imagine me coming clean about it to family and friends which does pose a problem for celebrations and occasions, not that we tend to do much of that anyway seeing as there is so much alcoholism in my family.

I get upset when I think that I can never join in with a toast again or have half a lager in a beer garden on a hot day. I can?t fully accept that I can?t trust myself to have just one drink, because looking back through my drinking history there haven?t been many occasions that I?ve tried it. So, how do I know that I won?t be able to do it? I get so angry when I think about it because in truth I don?t see any appeal in having such a tiny amount of alcohol anyway so I?m making an issue out of nothing. I don?t like the taste, I just crave getting drunk so why should I get upset about not being able to have the odd glass of something that I don?t even like? I suppose it?s because it means that I?m different to everyone else.

Did you ever try AA teasle? And how did you get sober in the first place? Hope you don?t mind me asking questions. I think you said earlier on in the thread that you were drinking similar amounts to me, so I?m really interested in your experience.

Mocca, hope you enjoyed your birthday yesterday

It's good to read all your posts after the weekend and that everyone seems to be trying to cope in their own way. Managed to drink just yesterday for my birthday (slightly more than my 6 units per session though!) but had a big meal which put the brakes on and no craving today. Am actually feeling quite sad because thinking about my ex and know that drinking on that is absolutely fatal! You're being so strong BM and thanks for your support.

Having a meal does help soak up some of the alcohol doesn't it?

BM-I havn't been to AA, although its an option for the future.
Getting sober has been a long, painful process(isn't it always?). I'm sat here, trying to think of how to articulate myself in a few sentences and its not happening!

Alcoholism and heavy drinking also feature largely in my own family background.Regards getting sober I had to cut down for a bit and then I stopped.I also saw a counsellor a few years ago. I reached my own point where I had to act, as we all do. I have relapsed on occasion, but all that happens now is that it re-affirms why I don't drink anymore.

On a lighter note, I think I've drank too much diet pepsi tonight- feel a bit odd.
Hope everyone else is managing ok

had more beers than i intended to at this bbq yesterday, but less than 5 units. those little 25cl beers are a great idea for keeping your units down!so had 27 units week just gone, which was more than i planned, but not enough to beat myself up about. two years ago that would have been angelic!
my family has a history of boozing too. doesn't everyones? its always been my drug of choice, i can take or leave all the others (i never tried heroin though). ive even managed to smoke nicotine when travelling abroad and stopped the minute i got home without a second thought.
hope you all managed weekend ok.
x

Glad you enjoyed your birthday mocca . I know what you mean about drinking on emotional issues. I used to think that a good drunk cry was doing me a favour but it was just self-indulgent, non-productive and depressing. I still woke up with the same problems and I didn?t get that ?system clearing? feeling that you do when you cry soberly. I did it for so long though that I don?t know how to cry without a drink now. I just get outrageously angry about everything.

Thanks for explaining teasle. Your story is similar to mine. I don?t know when I crossed the line between unhealthy drinking and alcoholism, or even if there ever was a line for me. I prefer to think that I only ever had the choice between abstinence and alcoholism, which are both pretty much the same thing, if you want to live a normal life anyway. I spent about 2 years trying to control drink before I went to a substance abuse clinic who told me how to reduce gradually. I was supposed to have counselling but I?d started at AA before any appointments were available and I didn?t want to do both. I don?t think counselling would have worked for me though as from previous experience I?d have just told the counsellor that I was absolutely fine, which obviously isn?t true. I like it that in AA you?re a member rather than a patient so you?re not being judged and no-one is taking notes. There?s always someone in the room with bigger issues than me and I find that grounding. I?m glad it?s working out for you too.

Hi Maebee. Well done on lowering your units last week. Can I ask, why do you feel your drinking is a problem? Are you worried purely about your physical health or is alcohol having a negative impact on your life? I don?t think you should worry too much about going over your units last week either. That?s what healthy drinkers do, have the occasional indulgence and then get back to an acceptable level of alcohol intake.

Anyway, off to a new AA meeting this morning. This is a local women?s meeting but it?s in a bit of a snooty area so I?m not sure what to expect.

Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend.

brassicmonkey - am meant to be cleaning the bathroom whilst my dp and ds are out at shops, ready for my mum coming tomorrow, but instead im on the dependent drinkers thread...does that count as an alcohol problem?!?
seriously, why i worry is because for 10 yrs i DID have a problem, between 50 and 70 units every week (and more like 70), my friends were worried, i was getting memory loss, cycling whilst drunk and falling off etc. i stopped drinking to get pregnant and have a baby, and i just need to be constantly vigilant! the other week i got so drunk i didn't remember getting home, and i have had 3 lots of hangovers over last 3 weeks.
i basically just want to catch it before it becomes a problem again. its quite easy for it to slip i think.