Thanks so much everyone. It was lovely to log on here after the meeting tonight and read your messages.
I loved the meeting tonight ? I genuinely did . The men were heavily out-numbered and those that were there and who spoke were much gentler and easier to relate to than they were at the first meeting. I was absolutely shitting myself when I got out the car and I made EX-P and DS walk up to the doors with me. There was a pub opposite and I was bloody furious because I felt like I was going to the wrong venue. Chelsea is a lovely area (I think I should have known that before tonight seeing as I?ve lived in SW London all my life), the houses are beautiful, and the people standing outside the hall (particularly the women) were all manicured and polished and the men were city types (one had a cane ). My first reaction was ?oh shit, I?m not going to fit in here? and that feeling stayed with me even when people started to say hello and were being friendly.
I sat next to a lovely woman and she kept chatting and I was trying to be polite, but I was so uncomfortable about looking at her and I just felt repulsive and like I was ruining her night. She really made me laugh when she spoke up and shared a funny story about when she was drinking in her teens and everybody laughed and it was so much more relaxed and just easier to be there. I started to enjoy it a bit from then on.
I pretty much hated the first meeting I went to. It was in a dingy hall with a load of old men talking about fighting and having kids that they?ve never met and I wanted to run away or shout at the woman who took me there ?I?m not like these people?. Last week was a waste of time because I knew I was going to drink as soon as I got out. I wasn?t even really listening and I?d made my mind up before I went in that I?d get nothing from it ? and I didn?t.
There was so much that I related to, especially from one woman who kept referring to newcomers and kept on saying that she didn?t believe people when they said ?call me anytime?, ?come round anytime?, ?I?ve been thinking of you and wondering how you are?. She kept saying that she didn?t want to be a burden to people and how it?s only now that she really understands that they did mean what they were saying. And how when you?re drinking alcoholically you detest yourself so much and you get so used to being cut off/cutting yourself off because of how you?re treating people, and generally being hated by everyone that you can?t believe that anyone would really want to give you there telephone number and you think that if you actually ring it you?ll be met with someone who?s thinking ?oh I was only being polite. I didn?t actually want you phone me?. That?s exactly how I feel and I know it?s going to take ages before I unlearn those base feelings. I think it?s been a major trigger for me and it?s why I?m so lonely ? I need drink to be able to contact anyone, even emails are hard, even posting on here is hard (well, not this thread, but everywhere else on MN). Then when I do drink the loneliness in even more acute because people do avoid my calls and block me on MSN because I?m so unpredictable, angry and spiteful.
Sorry, this is a really long post, but I?m sort of buzzing and it feels really nice to share some positive feelings.
Elibean, I will be there on Friday. I think I?ll be doing evening meetings this week as EX-P has offered to drive me to them and have DS for me, so Putney is reachable. Then next week I?ll try and be a bit more independent. I know right now that the most important thing is for me to just get myself there.
Fio ? I do sort of have an AA buddy but I?m still convinced that I?m irritating her and being too needy. I?ve got more numbers now though so hopefully it will be easier to spread my neediness about a bit IYKWIM so I don?t feel like I?m wearing anyone down too much.
Thanks for reading this and for wishing me well
Oh, one more thing. Kokeshi, I?m relieved that I admitted it to EX-P as well. It?s a stupid thing really, but the bottles were really piling up and I was starting to panic about how I was ever going to get rid of them, especially because I was continuing to add to them. I actually felt very, very low yesterday, probably the worst state I?ve been in since I started the last thread and I really needed him to put his arms around me and just be here. It must have been awful for him because I carried on drinking in front of him and he told me today that I was shouting at him to get out and I was talking like I was going to kill myself. I have no memories of this at all, but I don?t remember going to bed last night either. Thanks for continuing to support me. I know I?ve got miles to go but for the first time I really, honestly feel like I?m going in the right direction and I?m beginning to want it. I never, ever, ever want to feel how I did yesterday or to wake up with the shame and horror that I had this morning.