miscarriage

[Lil]

Susan, I wish I could think of something to help you that doesn't sound crass! Maybe you should give your little girl a hug and remind yourself what its all about. She's there as proof you're a great mum. Have a good cry and let it all out.

We're thinking of you.

Good for you too Sid

Hmonty, great news, best wishes from me and the family.

Good news, Sid and Hmonty - would do two smiley faces here if I knew how to. Hope all goes well!

• there you go Tigermoth! And congratulations to you both too...!

I've just read this thread through for the first time from the beginning(Phew!!!) shed a few tears on the way - but ended up feeling really positive after reading your good news Hmonty and Sid - It has done me good to end on that note as I share so many of the experiences quoted here.

I have a 7 month old daughter but had 3 miscarriages before her - 2 very early - about 7-8 weeks, I did know I was pregnant and was very disappointed and upset for a while - but nothing compared with my 3rd which was at 18 weeks - altho apparetnly the baby had died at 15 - I went in for a scan as so many of you have described and had those awful words'' I'm sorry, your baby has died''

For all that doctors and the NHS get a bad press on this I feel mine treated me very well and were very sensitive - (I only found out subsequently that the dr who scanned me and my consultant who she then summoned were married ( and had young children)so maybe that helped them to act well as a team )- but anyhow it was far and away the worst time of my life and it all comes back to me very often for all sorts of reasons. Someone else here talked about planting a tree in remembrance - My husband was in Prague when I found out the baby had died and got the first flight back which happened to be via ammsterdam - and he bought me some white tulip bulbs which were just an impulse as he said he felt so helpless and didn't' know what to do. For a long while I couldn't bear to look at them - but after several months I did plant them and they came into flower just as I found I was pregnant again. I'm really glad to have something to remember her by as at the time I was induced into labour I just wanted them NOT to refer to it as a baby and to take the remains away straight away as it was the only way I could cope.

Having my daughter now does make some sense of it as I wouldn't have her if I had kept that baby - and she is so special and has been such a wonderful happy baby that it would be unbearable to contemplate not having had her.

We're starting to try again this month so I face a lot of months of waiting and hoping like so many of you - and then the even worse hoping and praying if/when I actually get pregnant that it lasts . During my last pregnancy I wouldn't let myself believe it/love the baby until 20 + weeks - and by then I found it was too late and I ''couldn't'' let go emotionally- I really didn't feel any of the excitement or love for her during the pregnancy that I felt for my first baby - but it grew very quickly when she was born - and I'm sure I would be the same again.
Anyhow - I'm rambling - so pleased again for you two - good luck to all those others still trying...
jgb

Just had to contribute to this thread as I can identify with so much that has been said and it has brought back emotions that I thought were long gone. I had two perfectly healthy pregnancies and then had a miscarriage. It came like a bolt out of the blue as I knew a lot of people who'd miscarried the second time around and felt sure I would. The thing that I found so hard to cope with was the enormous guilt I felt because up until literally 24 hrs before I lost it I felt it was the wrong time (not exactly planned -though I'd always wanted three) and I didn't want to be pregnant. Even as I write this it sounds so terrible. I couldn't tell anyone for ages about how I had really felt and even though I knew I hadn't made it happen it still felt as if I had. The hospital experience was awful. As I was being taken for the scan the porter was stopped by a colleague and asked "where do we keep the boxes for the dead babies?" You can immagine what effect that had on me in my tense state! Anyway it took me five years to pluck up courage to try again and thankfully I have a wonderful son now. That pegnancy was not without it's tense times though -another story. Every year on the date that it was due I have a little "moment" and wonder what if? No matter at what stage you loose a baby I think we've all planned the life a little. My husband made me see it another way by telling me that I wouldn't have had my son now if I hadn't have lost that one. Good luck to all of you who are trying and those who have succeeded.

Thanks so much for all your messages. (And good luck Sid!). I really appreciate them. You know I can only read this board when I'm working from home as it always makes me cry. I'm rather nervous this time round as the thought of going through a miscarriage again is terrifying....but at least I know I'm not alone. I dread to think what state I'll be in at the 12 weeks scan. I just want to see a nice clear picture of a healthy foetus and then I can relax again. Roll on 1st october....

Thanks

Hmonty and Sid lots of congrats, there must be something in the air, as I have just found out I'm pregnant as well!! I just looked back at my miscarriage message, and feel very lucky to have fallen so quickly. I nearly didn't post here, as its still early and it feels like bad luck...but fingers-crossed!

Many congrats Lil!. Have you started your new part time job yet?

Lil, Hmonty, and Sid... good luck & Best wishes.

Congratulations Sid and Hmonty!
I only discovered this site last week but wish I had in late Jan/early Feb when I had my miscarriage. I knew I was pregnant according to the pink lines (I did two to be absolutely sure)and was absolutely thrilled. I had my birthday near the end of Jan and managed to hold back from telling everyone over the phone (I'm a zillion miles from home - NZ). We were waiting for the end of the first trimester before we said anything. Then the next day I started cramping and over the next 4 days it all came out.
I spent the first day in tears from the first cramp onwards. My poor dh was going through his own grief but was absolutely devastated to witness such a wreck!
I got over the rawness of the whole ordeal to some extent only to discover eight weeks later that I was pregnant again. Although I wanted to be pregnant I was also so filled with dread that the same thing could happen again that I was so confused. Unfortunately my DH had to go away for 4 1/2 weeks for work commitments right after our first checkup and diagnosis.
Living in a foreign country with no one to talk it through with alone for that time was hell. I couldn't even bear to ring anyone at home because I knew I would have to tell them the whole story and I couldn't get their hugs from here. Wow, this really opens the whole thing up again as my eyes well with tears.
My family back home and abroad all know now of both the current pregnancy and the last one. I am still uncomfortable about letting non-family in on the news yet.
Everything is going well with this pregnancy so far although I have a short cervix which increases the chance of 2nd trimester miscarriage.
I feel so guilty that I am not so besotted as other first mothers seem to be. I feel somehow that because of my guard this baby has missed out on the total love and affection it deserves.

Just to say thanks for all those best wishes - I wasn't expecting them, particularly as I am nervous about telling the outside world: Somehow two children seem easy to justify, three seems greedy and I am sure I will get loads of comments- my family will wonder whether we can cope financially, my friends whether we can cope emotionally and work will wonder how I can do this to them just when I've taken on a new job in the company! (I'll let you know whether my fears prove correct!)

Thanks Bells1. You are the same person as Bells aren't you? am confused slightly, as just remembered Bells is preggers, so that's you?? In which case, how's it going? I have started my new part time job and have 5 days out of 7 off now - yet I'm managing to fill them no problem. I guess I will have to take a deep breath and contact the much maligned NCT again, Rhiannon's defence of them has sunk in a little!Now I'm more of a Housewife they might accept me better

We are indeed one and the same!. One day, my password wouldn't work so I re-registered. I really enjoyed my first pregnancy but 6 months into the second and I have to confess that I haven't enjoyed this one too much. Every sympton I had first time round has been magnified (ridiculous amount of leg cramps in the night, perpetually sore feet etc etc) and I just feel incredibly tired. I must say that I find Fridays at home with our 2 year old the most exhausting and have taken to enticing him into long lunchtime sleeps with me!.

Funnily enough I called up the NCT at lunch today to re-join. I intend to make a concerted effort during my maternity leave to get to know my local branch, having failed to do so first time around.

Keep us informed as to how you are enjoying the move to 2 days a week won't you?.

Yes, will let you know if I still recommend it long-term! Are you still pursueing a part time role too? I can see it would be too late for you now, especially if you want your SMP. I have only just managed to fit in a 6 month contract (phew, timing) - but need to check out how SMP works if you are a contractor. Does anyone know?

Definite upside is that I am looking forward now to spending more time with my little one before his life gets turned upside down (don't you feel a little treacherous?!).

Lil,
Are you a self employed contractor? I contract through my own limited company and as I pay NI I have been told I'll be able to claim SMP...Otherwise I'm not sure that you can....

Miti,
Good luck. This must be so tough when you're in a strange country. At least you know there are people here in the same boat.

I'm also much 'cooler' this time than when I was pregnant before. Not sure if that's 'cause of the miscarriage or because it's pregnancy no4...(Been there, done that!). Hope it all goes well. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Hmonty, due to the adverse effects of IR35, i've opted to work as a PAYE contractor (taxand NI taken at source), which means I haven't got a ltd company, and am in effect a sole trader. Am not clear what category this puts me under, as I am clearly paying NI so should recieve benefits of some sort. Do you miss out on the 90% of pay over first 6 weeks as a contractor - it looks like it from what I've read - though I don't see why, as we are paying NI!!

If you pay NI contributions you should definitely get some benefits....Have you tried asking the Maternity Alliance? (www.maternityalliance.org.uk/). they may be able to advise. I'm going to wait a bit and then ask my accountant.

Hi Miti - just wanted to say don't give yourself a hard time about your lack of feelings for this babay because you are scared - as I said in my last message I felt exactly the same - even when later in the pregnancy I wanted to relax and love my baby I just couldn't somehow - I just felt very distant - and neutral- but scared witless at the same time - and the contrast with how I'd felt for the baby I'd lost and the warm glowey feelings I had at being pregnant that time made it all the worse - but 7 months into having her that's all a million miles in the past and I'm sure she's not aware! She's the happiest baby imaginable so clearly hasn't absorbed any of my worries - lets hope you have the same good luck!
bye
julie

Thank you to Jqb, Batters and Hmonty for your kind words.
I think I was having a bad day yesterday. Today I am feeling much better. How it would have been great to have known about this earlier in the year! It's so nice to be able to communicate with people who understand.
My DH has been fabulous but it isn't quite the same as having your mum or your girlfriends around to support you. So thank you once again for your words of encouragement!

Bells,
I had the same experience with my 2nd pregnancy being worse - ooh, those hip cramps - but the birth was easier. Funnily enough, the third pregnancy was totally different again...