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Original poster

Black nail. Terrified.

163 replies

Pinkbedsheets · 08/05/2018 17:49

So since I was younger (about 9) I had a black pigment band on my nail (19 now) during my pregnancy (my dd is 16 months now) I noticed it spreading. Google tells me pregnancy can do that, or that I have melanoma. If it helps I am of darker skin and I’ve noticed in my family people have them quite commonly on their toes. Tbh I’m so scared I have melanoma and I’m going to die and not see my daughter grow up. I can’t sleep, can’t eat and withdrawn from my daily life. I’m going to go to the drs but that won’t be for a couple of weeks as I can’t get an appointment. I’m so scared

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Ereshkigal · 08/05/2018 20:47

I know it's difficult to see past the health anxiety, OP Flowers I hope going to the doctor will bring you some reassurance.

Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 08/05/2018 20:54

Thanks everyone, I really look crazy. I’m gonna make myself a sugary cup of tea and eat some dinner. How can anxiety make me feel like this ? I’m shaking. I’m trying to stay calm now for my daughter as I don’t want her to see me upset again,bless her, she has no clue. She’s laughing and babbling along

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LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 08/05/2018 21:01

It's very common to have health anxiety which spirals during your children's early years. The idea of leaving beloved children is just too horrible to contemplate. After the birth of dd earlier this year, I became convinced that a lump that appeared under my arm was breast cancer... I was assured by my GP that it was breast tissue which was engorged... I didn't believe her and paid £££ to see a breast cancer specialist who assured me that it was ...engorged breast tissue. I also become convinced that I have lung cancer (have had a chest x-ray - all clear), dvt (no symptoms at all), ovarian cancer (have had ultrasound) or cervical cancer (get a smear every year)... And I am now paying £££ to see a therapist about health anxiety!

I've totally been where you are right now... stay off google unless you want to google the symptoms of health anxiety. Go see your gp as pp have suggested but then make a second appointment to discuss anxiety. I would also recommend the headspace app for mindfulness... has been a real life saver for me.

ThanksThanksThanks You are going to be fine.

Rainydaydog · 08/05/2018 21:05

Glad you feel a little better. Try to practice taking your mind right off things and do something you have to really concentrate on. This gives your mind a little break which really helps. Something like a hard puzzle is good. Or you might be able to watch or read a really engrossing story or film. Or listen to some good music turned up really loud (with earphones so as not to upset your baby). If you are like me and lose count easily knitting might be good as I have to really concentrate to keep count of my stitches.

MrsSquiggler · 08/05/2018 21:10

My dh has a black line on his toenail so I've been googling this (bad, I know). It seems there are lots of causes of melanonychia - black lines under the nails - most of which are benign! I'm obviously not a doctor but I would have thought the fact that you have had this for 10 years would tend to suggest that it is probably benign? If it were cancerous, I imagine you would have likely had some other symptoms by now. Of course, you are absolutely right to get it checked out though.

I know how tough health anxiety can be, I used to suffer from it as well. I found CBT really helpful and it helped me to come out the other side. Another thing which I found helpful was to only allow myself to google symptoms if I added the word 'anxiety'. So e.g. 'palpitations' + 'anxiety'. It's amazing how many physical symptoms anxiety can cause and then it's a viscous circle as they feed into the health anxiety.

Good luck with the GP tomorrow Flowers

Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 08/05/2018 21:15

Thank you for sharing your experience Lorela. It really is too hard to comtemplate as she’s is so young and I have a fear of dying before she can even talk to me. I fear I’ll die and she won’t remember me. I always think I’ve had anxiety, when I had her it got better, then when things were going so well and I felt good mentally, there was a switch and I become even more fixiated on my health.

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Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 08/05/2018 21:16

Thank you I’m just hoping I can get an appointment

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SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 08/05/2018 21:24

Bless you op.
The anxiety sounds really horrible.
Sending you huge hugs.
Can you watch something on Netflix relaxing to help take your mind off it?
Have a hot bath? Sniff some lavender oil? Drink a camomile tea? Listen to an audio book?
Other posters are right about breathing deeply being helpful. Can you give baby to someone tomorrow and go and swim loads of lengths? I found this really helpful when suffering from anxiety. It's hugely unlikely to be anything bad.
Promise BrewCake xx

stressedoutfred · 08/05/2018 21:27

Sending you a hug flower Thanks

Anxiety is utterly crap OP, take deep breaths, a calming bath?

When I feel particularly rubbish I try a grounding exercise-

5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell ( or imagine your favourites
1 thing you can taste ( or imagine your favourite flavour)

You CAN do this, even if it feels like you can't. We're all behind you

Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 08/05/2018 21:30

I don’t really get many breaks away from her as her dad is not around for now. My mum sees it as I’ve had her young she doesn’t need to help me out because I choose to have her young. So I don’t ask her, I don’t really have no one else to have her. I’m in bed right now with her next to me and I’m feeling a little less anxious. It’s so hard.

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saucepot8 · 08/05/2018 21:40

At my worst, the only thing that kept me alive was my dh has gone to work and it was the school holidays, so I had to look after my dcs. Practice the grounding techniques and focus on doing the things you would usually do for your dd. She needs her mum.
Anxiety is an absolute motherfucker. Also find pictures online of things you like. For example, I like looking at woodland pictures, diamond rings and wedding dresses.Blush Write down that you will make an appointment at the doctors tomorrow. Then your brain will know it's being dealt with and won't keep nagging you. Also repeat to yourself, this is anxiety, it's not real. And breathe!Thanks

Rainydaydog · 08/05/2018 21:42

It is hard if you are not getting any support from family and this is probably part of your anxiety. Once you get a GP you should have a health visitor attached to the surgery so get hold of their number. You can ask for some advice on finding support and they will be able to put you in contact with Home start and tell you what else is available in your area. Making some friends through a baby group might help too, sometimes there is a children's centre with different groups and facilities.

Wolfiefan · 08/05/2018 21:50

It is hard OP. Even with support it can be difficult. What about friends?
Good luck tomorrow.

Rainydaydog · 08/05/2018 21:57

Also even though I love MN it's too big and anonymous to make many online friends. I have some smaller sites and FB interest groups I go on where I can chat and get to know people a bit more. Some of these have restricted membership so you can chat more privately. So might be worth looking about online for a group like that where you can make good online friends.

Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 08/05/2018 22:22

It’s really difficult, thanks everyone for making me feel like everything will be okay. I have friends, just none I feel I can talk to

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Wolfiefan · 08/05/2018 22:58

If they are friends then surely they would care enough to listen.
Good luck tomorrow.

Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 08/05/2018 23:16

I’m struggling to sleep. The worry is there in full force now.

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Wolfiefan · 08/05/2018 23:41

But tomorrow you will call the GP. They will support and reassure you. Not long.

Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 08/05/2018 23:56

Yes tomorrow I will call, I’m just worried I won’t be seen or they’ll tell me there is something wrong. I know. So stupid

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MrsEricBana · 09/05/2018 00:02

Oh I really feel for you. I suffered from extreme health anxiety when my children were young. My best advice, based on my own experience, is if it's been there for 10 years it would have got you by now if it was anything nasty. I'd go into your GP surgery tomorrow and ask to be seen as very anxious and hopefully they'll allay your fears re the nail and offer advice on the worry. It's not done to offer hugs on here but here's a HUGE one!

Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 09/05/2018 00:24

I just wanna know if it gets any better?! This is a never ending hole of worrying and anxiety, I feel like I have two personas. One where I pretend to be okay, smile laugh with family and then another where I’m completely down,can’t eat, can’t sleep with worry.

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Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 09/05/2018 00:26

I’m just worried because it has spread since I got pregnant, first it was a band now it covers the whole nail and cuticle which points to melanoma. Sad

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Nogodsnomasters · 09/05/2018 00:26

Hi op, I suffer from health anxiety too, it's horrendous. I feel ridiculous writing this but this morning I had one bout of diarreah/loose bowel movement, I spent the next 6 hours absolutely terrified, I didn't eat my lunch at work because I couldnt face it. The best thing for it is distraction, getting absorbed into something be it a TV show or laundry or adult colouring in book, or reading etc, it may not take a full blown panic attack away but it will help to keep it at a manageable level until it fucks off and you can feel a bit human again. I know how you feel about leaving ur dd, it's a horrible intrusive thought but that's all it is... A THOUGHT, thoughts are not facts. You can think you're 7 foot tall, it doesn't make it one bit true. I have a 3 year old son and my anxiety mostly is now about him dying and me being left distraught (I've lost my mum and my sister who were both the closest 2 ppl to me in the world so I feel like it's inevitable somehow that I will lose my boy). I just keep telling myself thoughts are not facts.

Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 09/05/2018 00:29

It’s true, thoughts are not facts. I really hate google. Got me up until ridiculous times crying with worry. Anxiety is so hard also cause you never know when it’s going to get better, it’s not like it’s a wound where I can see it healing, the thoughts just get more intrusive and morbid and I just get more depressed and scared.

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Original poster
Pinkbedsheets · 09/05/2018 01:51

I’ve decided I’m going to wait some time to see my old dr in old area where my mum lives as id feel a lot more comfortable seeing my dr who knows my history, seeing a dr I don’t know scares me, I’m going to give it a week, in the meantime I’m going to put dr google down and just focus on my dd. I hope I can manage my anxiety in this time, I’ve told my mum and she told me I’m being silly and I would have had other symptoms by now. Which is probably true. Now I’m feeling a bit less anxious, the likelihood is that it’s nail trauma as I used to bang my nails a lot when I was little and also I wear acryclis a lot which wear them down. Also my brother has the same thing on his toes from banging his foot when playing football. I think I just needed to write this all down to feel better and honestly I do, I’m still gonna see my doctor and try call tomorrow to see if I can get a telephone appointment in the meantime. But for now I feel a lot more calm, and trust me it has taken me hours of deep breaths and reading all your comments. Thank you for all your help, I’ve recognized I do have a problem which I need to get sorted out so I can be the best mother possible for my dd. Thank you again

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