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Original poster

Had a abortion yesterday

164 replies

debliz5 · 09/02/2007 16:36

Hi all,
After lots of deliberation, tears and anguish, I descided to terminate my pregnancy. It was one of the most difficult decesions I've had to do, but I know it's for the best. I've got 2 small kids and just couldn't face at the moment a third one. We live abroad without any help from family or even friends and thought it wouldn't be fair on any of us, to add another child at this stage (speacially when things with DH are not the best). I definitely want a third (maybe 4th?), but this one came at the wrong time.
Yesterday, I came home relieved and very sure of it all, but today this relief is combined with the fear that I won't be able to get pregnant again. I was reassured by all the doctors I consulted that most chances that it wouldn't, but still would like to hear your stories (if any) about having kids after a termination.
Please, any of you who are against abortion, don't lecture me and those of you who have bad stories to tell, please don't tell me either.
I just need some reasurances please...

OP posts:
tiredandsad · 16/02/2007 23:25

I have already said i made the decision to keep it 2 weeks ago, and he said fine, and was ok, even bought baby clothes, but all of a sudden he got nasty again, and is being so evil.

i'm at my wits end, i can't sleep, i feel so weak and don't have no one to turn to

i'm sorry Zephrycat for jumping in on your thread, i hope your ok

tiredandsad · 16/02/2007 23:28

funkimummy, i've had 3 weeks and thought i'd decided, but he has worn me down, he was gutted when i came on my period the 1st time.

i just don't know whats gone wrong

i did want it, now i feel so numb, and just want to stop feeling so crap

lissi320 · 16/02/2007 23:28

Hi
I think you made the right decision, I had an abortion when I had 2 small children at home, I knew I wouldnt be able to cope, my youngest wasnt even a year old. 2 years later I fell pregnant again, and had a beautiful daughter, I felt guilty for a while, but I know it was the right choice for me and it is a choice Yours, people will have there opinions to which they are entitled, but if you truly believe it was right then get on with your life, and you will be able to have other children I am proof of that.

funkimummy · 17/02/2007 00:49

Tired, if you are still awake, email me at [email protected] or you can msn me at [email protected]

tiredandsad · 17/02/2007 10:22

Thank you for that offer Funkimummy, i'd logged off at midnight

for some reason friday nights really get me down, and i feel so exhausted and helpless, but i feel a little better this morning

i've come to the conclusion that i should tell him i've had a termination, and then he might leave me alone, i know its wrong but i just can't deal with his nastiness at the minute, and then i would have more time to think without him pressuring me.

is this a bad thing to do?

rosylonginglily · 17/02/2007 10:37

tiredandsad are you thinking if you do that you might find out his real intentions?
I think you should do what ever you want and need to do now. Glad you feel a bit better.
I reckon just be kind to yourself, take one day at a time and block out all negativity. Spend your time with positive, supportive people!
And that would be my advice to the op too!

tiredandsad · 17/02/2007 10:42

i suppose i'm hoping it gets to the final hour and he tells me not to do it, but i very much doubt that.

i just don't know anymore

rosylonginglily · 17/02/2007 11:01

tiredandsad Maybe just say to him again that you are having the baby, if he wants to be in your life and his babies life you would like his support. And if he can't handle it to leave you alone and you will find someone else in time. You can't force him to change, you can give him that chance. And honestly if he is just messing you about you do deserve better.
If you still need to decide about an abortion you really must talk to someone who can help you work it out.

rosylonginglily · 17/02/2007 11:14

It needs to be your own decision, not something you feel forced into by emotional blackmail.

tiredandsad · 17/02/2007 11:37

i've told him weeks ago i was keeping it, and he was ok with it for about 2 days and then got nasty agian, its like he hates me, because he has no control over it.

if i do have it i know he wants to be part of its life, but he doesn't want me to force this child on him.

oh i just can't win

i feel like if i tell him that i've gone through with it, he'll leave me alone and i can get on with my life and hopefully get stronger,i hate lying but i feel like i have no choice at the moment

rosylonginglily · 17/02/2007 11:55

You were both trying for the baby, he changed his mind. He is only thinking about himself at the moment. He may not even have a clue how cruel he is being to you. I think you are right to try and give yourself space somehow and bulid up your strength if you can.
Everything can change so much, it isn't always going to be like this.

zephyrcat · 17/02/2007 19:44

I think I will be cancelling the termination. [scared shitless emoticon!!!!]

WideWebWitch · 17/02/2007 19:50

Oh I'm glad you've made a decision Zeph.

WideWebWitch · 17/02/2007 19:50

You'll be fine btw!

FluffyMummy123 · 17/02/2007 19:59

Message withdrawn

zephyrcat · 17/02/2007 20:32

Honestly? terrified!

I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow to discuss what my options are having had 3 cs already - last one was only last year.

God I hope I can cope!!!

eleusis · 17/02/2007 20:51

Zepyr, it might help if you post a thread asking for people who have had 4+ sections. I know there are some success stories on here. Lisalisa come to mind. And there are others but I can't think of who they are just now.

When my DH's mum was pregnant with her 7th child she found out it was twins.

katrinas · 17/02/2007 23:59

zephyrcat...
i've always been a believer in fate and destiny, and was struck by the fact that you weren't quite sure what to do,but had always wanted twins,so maybe the answer presented itself to you, so you didn't have to make the choice??? maybe fate decided along time ago with your desire for twins,and it is a sign to encourage you??? i don't know, only you can know, but i wouldn't make a decision to terminate if i wasn't absolutely sure...
also i think two sacks, one yolk is IDENTICAL twins! isn't it???
in regards to coping....what is coping really???
my house is a mess with one,and i've just decided not to get stressed about what i can and can't do. what harm does it do if the kids are a bit grubby and a little wild???
and twins can entertain each other a little as well as the older children playing with them as well...
and learning to dish out some of the duties to other family members, instead of having to do it all yourself always helps a bit....
my friend came from a family of ELEVEN!!!!! and he said it was great fun at times, although they didn't have much...my husbands from a fam of 4 and he would love a football team now, after having one i think!!!
if you really think you would like to have the twins, maybe you can sit down with someone that could help you assess your options financially, such as government assistance,maybe moving to a cheaper area , and other such ideas,that could take the pressure off financially,and then practical solutions as well, such as chucking the newborns in a hands free sling wrap so you could attend to and play with the other kids, could help too....
i think it would be a challenge, but sometimes the challenges in life can turn out to be a real blessing too!!you may end up with two good natured easy, little monkeys and a crazy but fun family too...!!!
who knows....?
if you really would like to keep them, there are always solutions and options to make it easier....you could also farm out the older three a few sessions a week to daycare/kinder/grandma, or a kind friend as well....
and you don't have to be a supermum who does it all either...maybe you could let some things slide like housework etc, so you don't feel so pressured....
i would definately look into what kind of help and assistance you can get from community sources too,asi'm sure you may very well qualify for a fair bit with 5 kids!!!
before i had my first i met a family with 5,and with my attitude towards kids at that stage i sarcastically quipped that it must be an absolute blast! but they genuinely said it was fabulous ,and their kids were lovely....
sorry for the long post, but i just wanted to encourage you ,as you asked if it would be possible with 5, life sometimes takes funny turns,and you end up somewhere you never imagined you want to be, but it isn't always a bad thing...
good luck with your decision,either way, and i hope that i have been able to offer at least one idea that may have been useful...
and on the flip side, at least if you have five, at least one of them will look after you in old age!!!

rosylonginglily · 18/02/2007 07:57

Zephyrcat, I'm expecting my surprise no.4 and I was relieved it wasn't twins even though I too, always had a notion for twins..when I was a child I had twin baby dolls and an old twin pram that I was crazy about!
My dh is only around for a few days every 2/3 weeks which is why I didn't know how I would cope. I think the most difficult aspects for me are being pregnant...I don't enjoy, but have to say nearly at the end now and mumsnet has helped me so much to get through it! Next I am dreading the sleepless nights and being totally tied down for a while. Once I am getting sleep though, I can handle anything!

Pixiefish · 18/02/2007 08:20

Glad you've made a decision Zephyrcat.

Tiredandsad- you have to do what you want to do- ignore any pressure from ex- he could be doing this to have no ties and is using emotional blackmail to make sure there is no child

sorrynamechange · 18/02/2007 09:26

Sorry for name change, not ashamed just a private person

Zephyrcat so pleased for you and your DP

tiredandsad - please don't let this nasty man push you into a decision you may regret. At 21 I became PG with the man I had been living with - he was nasty anyway but blinded by love I believed he could change.
Anyhow, we broke up just before I found out I was PG (I couldn't take the abuse anymore) and when I told him, he got very cold and cruel.
I won't go into the long story, but basically I let this man persuade me to have a temination as he had abused me for so long I believed him when he said I was worthles and would never cope with a baby.
I remember waiting to go for the op and he walked in with some flowers saying I was a "good girl" and had made the right decision.

I'm sitting here crying now remembering how I felt back then (and still do) as despite the fact years on I am now married to a wonderful man, have a lovely and loving home with him and our amazing DD I have regretted the termination every day since.
I wish I had stood up to the excuse of a man and said Fuck you, I can and will do this.

What I'm trying to say is make the decision you want, not the decision some nasty piece of work wants to make for you.

xxx

Judy1234 · 18/02/2007 10:27

tired, yes I think it would be wrong to lie and say you'd had a termination when you hadn't but you don't have to speak to him about it - just say nothing. I don't think any man has the right to force a woman to have a termination. I think English law also ought to allow the person who doesn't want the children to disclaim responsiblity for paying for it. Then things would be fair.

frances5 · 18/02/2007 21:15

Xenia,

How can you call yourself a catholic (or even a christian) and write something like

"I think English law also ought to allow the person who doesn't want the children to disclaim responsiblity for paying for it. Then things would be fair. "

If a man chooses to have sex he is taking the risk that HE WILL become a father. Contraception (or the consequencies of the lack of it) is the responsiblity of both partners.

If that was law then the tax payer would just have to foot the bill through the benefits system. Surely taking money from my family to pay the costs of man (with plenty of money) sowing his wild oats is more unfair.

I am not against abortion and it is not something women do lightly. I have synpathy with any woman who has an unplanned pregnancy whether she decides to continue it not.

eleusis · 19/02/2007 12:58

"I think English law also ought to allow the person who doesn't want the children to disclaim responsiblity for paying for it."

English law does allow this. It is the right to keep your pants on and not have sex in the first place. Some things, like parenhood, really should not have a get out clause.

tiredandsad · 19/02/2007 19:22

hi everyone

thank you for all your posts

i haven't been able to face coming on all weekend, but thought i should check in.

i don't want any financial help from my ex, i have a job and i'm sure i will cope, still not made a 100 % decision yet, but i don't think i can face an abortion.

Zephr, congatulations and good luck, i'm sure you will be fine

x x