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Original poster

Had a abortion yesterday

164 replies

debliz5 · 09/02/2007 16:36

Hi all,
After lots of deliberation, tears and anguish, I descided to terminate my pregnancy. It was one of the most difficult decesions I've had to do, but I know it's for the best. I've got 2 small kids and just couldn't face at the moment a third one. We live abroad without any help from family or even friends and thought it wouldn't be fair on any of us, to add another child at this stage (speacially when things with DH are not the best). I definitely want a third (maybe 4th?), but this one came at the wrong time.
Yesterday, I came home relieved and very sure of it all, but today this relief is combined with the fear that I won't be able to get pregnant again. I was reassured by all the doctors I consulted that most chances that it wouldn't, but still would like to hear your stories (if any) about having kids after a termination.
Please, any of you who are against abortion, don't lecture me and those of you who have bad stories to tell, please don't tell me either.
I just need some reasurances please...

OP posts:
zephyrcat · 16/02/2007 13:43

That makes total sense Kitty and before now I never thought in a million years I would have a termination, but the time, circumstance, finance etc is all a bit much right now. If there was a bigger age gap there may not have been an issue.

I know that if I go through with it I will always regret it because I have always wanted twins and will always wonder 'what if' - which is what is making me have second thoughts.

But I need to get my head out of the spin it's in and into reality and think straight about this.

FluffyMummy123 · 16/02/2007 13:43

Message withdrawn

zephyrcat · 16/02/2007 13:44

I haven't asked yet cod, I need to speak to the doc or someone as soon as poss so I know for definate how viable the

kittylette · 16/02/2007 13:47

well 4 months ago you could find me here preaching about termintion being wrong, blah blah

but the way ive been feeling lately i know that if i found myself pregnant i would be asking question i never imagined i would

and thats hard for me to type as ive always held such a strong opinion on it and it basically smashes any argument ive ever held on this topic

so i understand completely

zephyrcat · 16/02/2007 14:02

DP just rang and I told him. He laughed nervously through the conversation and said we'll talk about it tonight when we've both pulled ourselves together a bit.

kateandfelicity · 16/02/2007 15:08

debliz5, and zephyr

very difficult choice to make, i think it is really important to remember your reasons and talk it through with someone.

I had a termination when i was 19, the hardest thing for me was being alone, so i would suggest taking someone with you, who can really deal with emotional stuff.

i now have dd, who is nearly two....no problems at all with pregnancy.

i wish you both the best of luck, feel free to contact me if you like?

Original poster
debliz5 · 16/02/2007 15:43

Thanks again for your encouragements, girls.
zephy, I live in the Netherlands and they booked me an appointment for the week later. It was quite quick, although that week felt very long and awful. The scan was scary for me too. The minute I got into the room, I was in tears. I could hardly speak. The monitor didn't face me at all, and the doctor just said how many weeks pregnant I was. It was very short, nothing like the happy scans we're used to.Apart from the age of the pregnancy she didn't say anything. there was no internal check at all. It was very quick. and although I knew it was the decision I cried from the moment it all started till the end. And after it was finished - I felt better - very strange, but that's how it was...

OP posts:
Original poster
debliz5 · 16/02/2007 15:55

Wow Zephyr, Just read down after posting my post - twins!!! I'll read on and answer more

OP posts:
zephyrcat · 16/02/2007 20:00

I've just spoken to my Mum thinking that she'd be level headed and the voice of reason but she left me me feeling more swayed towards not having a termination. I don't know if that's good or bad. My head hurts.

DP will be home soon so will be interesting to see what he thinks.

Thanks for your support everyone - especially today

WideWebWitch · 16/02/2007 20:02

Zeph, agree about giving yourself some time. And there are some excellent counsellors about who are not on one side or the other but will help you decide. It's early days, you've got some time.

tiredandsad · 16/02/2007 20:34

i know this is not my thread but since everyone is already on the subject, i thought i would post to see what you all think.

my ex and i where trying to concieve, but then he left me.

i found out i was pg a couple of weeks later.

he still keeps coming round, and telling me he loves and wants me, but not the baby.

he keeps being really nasty, and telling me to go for a termination, i have been against the idea, but now after 3 weeks i think he may have worn me down, i know if i go through with him i will never forgive him for making me do it, so its not like i'm chosing between him and the baby, although thats what he's trying to make me do.

i don't even know if i want the child anymore

i'm just so exhausted and feel sick constantly, i don't know how to go on

zephyrcat · 16/02/2007 20:37

Tiredandsad has he told why he suddenly doesn't want the baby after you'd been trying?

You need to think about what you want. If you had a termination and got back together, would the fact that you would never forgive him drive you apart evntually anyway?

tiredandsad · 16/02/2007 20:50

yes it would, thats my point, he seems to think if their is no baby, we can build our relationship back up, although i don't know if he's saying that just to get me to do it.

but if i do go through with it, i'd hate him and wouldn't want anything to do with him again.

he was so keen to have the baby, until we broke up, but now he's so cold, i feel like i never really knew him at all, how can he put me through this and not give a toss!

his main issue seems to be that i've made the decision against his wishes, and he isn't in control, but its a no win situation

rosylonginglily · 16/02/2007 20:50

Early pregnancy is a horrendous time to have to make an important decision. Your hormones are all over the place and you feel ill. I was in the pits last summer in my first trimester because I'd been struggling to cope and was just starting to feel I could cope with what I had and found myself pregnant with no4. Anyway now I am 37 weeks and in a totally different place about it...I can't wait to have another! The hormones must have taken over! I still don't know how I'll cope but I'll just have to do my best....

There is no easy option really is there? I wish you guys the best at a really difficult crossroads.

tiredandsad · 16/02/2007 20:54

thank you, i know my hormones are playing havoc with my emotions, one day i'll be ok with having it on my own, but theirs days, like now, when i just want my life back.

if i do go through with it, what do i tell people that already know?

my dd will be heartbroken

rosylonginglily · 16/02/2007 21:25

tiredandsad it's so unfair for you that your partner is doing this. Your baby was planned and now you have to come to terms with going it alone if you have the baby. Do you have family support? I can not be impartial because I'm heavily pregnant and broody now!
I think your partner is terrified of the commitment and responsibility and has cold feet. Once you take responsibility for the desicion to go ahead, he'll probably come back on board but I would be really cross if I was you.

zephyrcat · 16/02/2007 22:01

DP wants to keep them.

rosylonginglily · 16/02/2007 22:09

Zephyr does that help you with your decision or send you into turmoil or both? If you go ahead could you afford some help perhaps? I recently acquired a cleaner, and it makes a huge difference to me.

ohsmellyjelly · 16/02/2007 22:22

Message withdrawn

ohsmellyjelly · 16/02/2007 22:23

Message withdrawn

mummylin2495 · 16/02/2007 23:08

zephyrcat wishing you well whatever you decide.

hester · 16/02/2007 23:16

debliz, I have had an abortion and also worked in abortion services and I can promise you that it is very, very rare for an abortion to affect your fertility, particularly an early abortion. Assuming the operation went without complications, the only thing you have to look out for is getting an infecction. An untreated infection can create later problems but they will probably have given you prophylactic antibiotics anyway.

Please be reassured. You must be feeling very low right now but you are clearly fertile and will still be so when the time is right for you to have another child.

zephyrcat, so sorry you're in this position. All my sympathies.

hester · 16/02/2007 23:20

PS. Just to add that fertility doctors regard an earlier abortion as a good sign (of fertility) rather than a bad sign (of having done something likely to damage your fertility).

funkimummy · 16/02/2007 23:21

Hi Deb, haven't read whole thread, but my first pregnancy ended in a termination. I won't go into details, but I gave myself a phenomenally hard time over it. Don't do the same.

I arrived at a better time in my life to have children, and now have two. Both of which I conceived within two months of deciding I wanted to get pregnant.

You did the right thing for you at this present time in your life, and you have two children to lavish love on.

If it's any consolation, I know someone who had a termination when her first child was a year old, because she was really really skint and just couldn't cope with another, and she went on to have two more.

You'll get pregnant again. The doctors have to sum up all that might happen.

Be reassured, and don't worry yourself.

funkimummy · 16/02/2007 23:24

tiredandsad,

If you're in early pg, then you have some time to think about what you really want. It's your life, and your body.

No-one can make you have a termination. Ultimately, it has to be your decision.

The very fact that you say your ex has 'worn you down', makes me feel like you don't want a termination?

Good luck.

xx