Post-natal Depression

[dmozzo]

Help!!!!
My wife had her fourth child back in January.
Her children's age ranges are 19,15,10 and 7 months.We both recently came to the conclusion that she is suffering from post natel depression due to the way she is reacting to things and how she cries over absoutely nothing at all.
Please has anyone got any natural remedy suggestions for her to try as she doesn't want to start on tranques,
I look forward to anyone's suggestions,thanks.

Tiktok, yes just seeing someone sitting there bf can make me sad, but I would never dream of asking anyone not to do it in front of me. It's MY problem, not theirs or their baby's.

Even though my hv went through a whole list of reasons why it is not THAT important to bf, I still didn't take any of it on board, the bottom-line was, in my eyes, that I had failed. It's totally irrational, but then being depressed makes you like that.

I tried to make up for it by making sure I made her all her baby food with organic produce, I was told by her dietician (she suffered from eczema and had to have a cows-milk free diet)that she had a 'beautiful diet', but it didn't help.

I must say though just writing this all down is quite cathartic in a way. I haven't been able to talk about this openly to my sisters, as they have all bf and I didn't want to make them feel awkward. So, thanks for 'listening' everyone, it really helps.

TikTok, I agree with Lynne. I'd never want to go stop someone breastfeeding in front of me. The worst thing though is when you say that you had cracked nipples and mastisis and so gave up, and the reply is 'Oh I had that' (smug smile) 'but I carried on, I was so determined'. I can't tell you how many people say that to me. Of course, there's a whole lot more to dd's story, with her traumatic birth and being in NICU. She'd got used to being tube fed and so hated the effort of b/f, and also she cried for virtually all the day, dh and I were getting about 2 hrs sleep a night and dd refused point blank to latch on. She'd scream and kick, usually kicking my other cracked nipple or me c-section scar. It became so traumatic that I gave up. What I didn't realise was that that would bring a whole load of other problems later on. I did breastfeed dd for a week in hospital, I had one wonderful day when she fed all afternoon and seemed so contented (I now know she was comfort-sucking a lot of the time which contributed to the sore nipples) so I really do know what we've missed out on and I don't think I'll ever really come to terms with it. I now say that dd was in intensive care so that's why we didn't b/f but then I feel like I'm using dd as an excuse.

Hi ionesmum & lyne33 & others, I really feel for you. Breast feeding has worked for me this time (just) but it didn't with ds1, as he was partially breast & part bottle. i used to feel upset and frustrated when people said they wouldn't let crack nipples stop them, determination, etc. The pain was intense this time, so I really sympathise. I understand what you mean about the guilt too. There have been times lately when ds2 seems so starving hungry that I wonder if I'm being cruel to continue trying to b/feed him. He's fallen off his centile and is now right on the far blue edge. I think b/feeding becomes a sort of holy grail. My mum couldn't b/feed me, and still cries about it now, 38 years later.
As mcm says, not every woman can b/feed. It would be strange if this was the only biological function of them all that was never prone to problems.

I've a foot in both camps with regard to bfing. I failed dismally with my first baby but fed my following three for over a year each. Yet that failure still hung over me, until someone said a wonderful thing to me, an NCT breastfeeding counsellor as it happens. She said that with baby no1 I'd done the best I could at the time, (in my circumstance, giving him three weeks of breast milk) with the knowledge and support I had at that time.

And I realised that of course, she is right! None of us can achieve anything more than circumstances will permit.

I once posted something about achievments in breastfeeding, which I found comforting, I'll try and find the thread again. HTH

I have just read the most wonderful statement and how very very true "None of us can achieve anything more than circumstances will permit", how well put Suedonim. I will remind myself of this often and know it will make me feel soooo much better!!
Like I said before,b/f if it works it is wonderful, or can be, if it doesn't then the guilt and feeling of failure can be mind blowing at the time, but to my horror I have found that quite a lot associated with a new baby can be mind blowing to say the least, and not to repeat myself, (as other threads can testify to my "short stories"!!!)I think that what is finally working for me, or at least today, is telling myself that "I am better than I was yesterday and not as good as I will be tomorrow at this "coping" thing."
I had a long chat with DH last night about "everything" well it was either that or I was running away, (with the baby!!)about how I felt and how alone I was feeling. He admitted that he knew I was very unhappy, sad and fed up but did not know how to broach the subject, well at least he was honest!! He said it was strange that I was feeling alone, when that was how he was feeling too!!
He is not the worlds greatest chatter and I have been chatting since I was 9 months old!!! Mind you, I have never found it easy to delve deep about "me" and my feelings. The long and the short of it, is that we are going to try and "chat" or talk about what is bothering us regularly, and remind each other of how important it is to be honest, etc. I know that this seems like basic stuff, but considering that this has been the worst year in both our lives,apart from our beautiful baby, maybe this is HUGE progress. I will keep you posted and again thank you so much for listening to my epics. things are a long way from being sorted and my DH is very nervous about talking about "feelings" so we will have to be patient.
The best quote from him last night was "once you get stung once, (his reference to our unplanned miracle!!".)
We also have to go about "rediscovering each other physically again, any ideas????? and I mean will it be like starting over????

Lynne - if you are close to your sisters in other ways, then maybe it could be cathartic to tell them how you feel. Maybe they would be understanding and supportive?

There is a lot of unspoken pain about breastfeeding - mothers may feel unable to express how sad they feel because of the (unjustified) guilt, because of people saying 'it doesn't matter' and 'why are you worried, your baby's fine!' and other phrases that belittle the genuine feelings mothers have. They can then feel more guilty for feeling strongly about it...!!

There is a good website called Mothers Overcoming Breastfeeding Issues that has a related email list:

www.internetbabies.com/mobi/

It offers support, and no one tells anyone they should have been more determined!!

I'm with Droile and Suedonim with experiences of b/f first time round. I still find myself feeling guilty that I wasn't able to give DS1 what I am giving DS2 this time round even although I think back to my days in hospital with DS1 when he was latched on by a midwife for every feed and still popped off the moment the midwife turned her back. I had cracked and bleeding nipples and although we did stumble on to 16 weeks, alot of bottles and solids started at 12 weeks on advice of HV, I can see the difference between both DS's as babies and I think DS1 was frustrated and hungry alot of the time and maybe I should have given in sooner.

I feel for you all battling with this, I had thought as well that more successful feeding of No2 would help lay some of this to rest and it has to an extent, I think taken the failure element out of things but I still feel guilty.

Anyway away to check out Tiktok's recommended site now.

mcm, I've just finished the Rob Parsons book and I can't recommend it enough. It's advice seems very sensible and even obvious but I've found it really useful, if only by making me even mor edetermined to make our marriage work.

I think it's quite common for men to worry about their partner falling pregnant again, not just because of the upheaval of another baby but because they may not want to see their partner go through the pain of another labour. I agree about needing to remain intimate - it's important for me to have lots of hugs and kisses from dh that are not connected with sex. I've found that it's good to work on that sort of intimacy and then the rest follows naturally. I hope that things work out for you, at least the lines of communication are open which is a start.

Thanks to everyone for the b/f comments. Tiktok, I will check out that site later.

Tiktok, Unfortunately talking to my sisters about it is out. My elder sister I have never particularly got on with, she is a very 'unusual' person, my dh depises her!!, and I have had the distinct feeling all along that she doesn't believe there is anything wrong with me and that I am just doing all this for attention. (As if I would choose to feel and behave like this!!). My younger sister is lovely, but she, unfortunately is having trouble with depression herself and I don't think two depressed people 'letting go' would be a particularly good idea!!

I have tried to talk to my mum about it, but she just gets upset seeing me get upset (if you know what I mean). I found that even though I hated the thought of it, the best person to talk to was my councellor, you could cry and be totally honest without worrying that you would offend him. Unfortunately, he left his job and I was sort of cast adrift. My dh thinks I should ask my GP to refer me to another councellor, as he feels there may still be some unresolved issues. I think he is probably right!!

Thanks Lynne. Hope you find another counsellor - yes, of course you should ask for another one. You would still be seeing one if the one you had was still around...and it helped, so why stop? You deserve to get the help you need...if you had a broken leg that didn't heal properly, you wouldn't stop getting the right help if your broken leg specialist moved, now would you ?

Have realised I am hanging around on mumsnet like a spare part cos I am feeling a bit down again. Came down a dose on the antidepressants before I went on hols, and it was fine while we were away, but since we have come back to reality I am feeling low again. My kidneys are playing up (have another infection plus am passing another stone therefore on painkillers AND antibiotics) and I think I am struggling mainly cos of that.
But am just looking for sympathy really!

Hi Susan, sorry to hear your not feeling too good, i know what you mean, am feeling a bit low myself. I am starting to get that hemmed in feeling and wanting to escape, do anything, cut all my hair off etc, feels a bit like raging PMT.

ut all my hair off??? THERE'S an idea!!!

I'll do it if you do! My dh would divou=rce me if I did, he, typical bloke loves long hair, I can't cope with the agro so have it tied back all the time, which makes me feel totally frumpy!

I meant divorce, and I don't have contact lenses to use as an excuse!

I wish I had the guts to get it cut off cos it is just a total pain most of the time. But my dh is the same, and whenever I come home with it less than shoulder length he looks at it mournfully and says 'lovely!'
He's so nice in all the other ways I dont have the heart to go and have it chopped!

Snap, although I am starting to feel a rebellion coming on....I'd like one of those shortish trendy cuts, you know what I mean?

Am feeling a bit cheered up, its nice to talk to someone who understands, (despite my flippancy)

Me too! thanks!

We should email each other, how do we pass on our email address through mumsnet?

Not sure, but someone must know????

me thinks its just you and i on this thread!

contact mumsnet - and they'll pass your details on for you.

ps - don't do the hair thing if you're feeling low - cos if you don't like it you'll feel even more peeved! I should know - am sitting here doing fantastic impression of someone who has just been dragged through a hedge backwards. And I paid for it!!!

I've been feeling a bit down lately too. Hope it's not Depression rearing its ugly head again. I was depressed before falling for ds and was worried about PND, but avoided it. Now, 15 months down the line, I feel really paranoid about things again, and am eating for England. If there was a gold medal going, I'd be on that podium!

I too try to cover up my feelings by flippancy, so people don't notice. If I carry on like this, I might need to go back onto happy pills. Oh well, at least I'm not b/feeding anymore. I have also been thinking about a haircut! Will take Willow2's advice and think v. carefully though.

Good luck susanmt and girly, will be thinking of you. I have a friend who has let me down lately, and ths has made me a bit unhappy, so I hope that it is only that and a bit of PMT making me feel this way!