Post-natal Depression

[dmozzo]

Help!!!!
My wife had her fourth child back in January.
Her children's age ranges are 19,15,10 and 7 months.We both recently came to the conclusion that she is suffering from post natel depression due to the way she is reacting to things and how she cries over absoutely nothing at all.
Please has anyone got any natural remedy suggestions for her to try as she doesn't want to start on tranques,
I look forward to anyone's suggestions,thanks.

Rosy, I find your kindness very humbling.

Chinchilla, it's fine, you didn't upset me at all and you most definitely are not thoughtless - I enjoy our conversations. I feel a bit like two different people at the moment. One makes jokey references to being a worrier and gets on with things, and the other sits with dd listening to her lullaby tape in floods of tears! I feel like I'm just about holding things together but I don't know how long for.

I do enjoy going out but there are various difficulties with this (won't bore you with the details).

Ionesmum, have you seen my website? Sorry if I've mentioned this before but I did a website that tackles the issues of ante and post-natal depression as I suffered very badly from the former, and wanted to help others who have been down that road too. If you click /linkwww.unplannedpregnancies.co.uk\here{} it will take you there. Don't be put off by the title, I also wanted to deal with the choices faced by women who are having unplanned pregnancies as those are the most likely to suffer depression. There is help out there and there is also light at the end of the tunnel. You have to learn to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes, to display human emotions, it's your way of coping. Your dd will not suffer from seeing you angry or miserable, it will help her to learn that grown-ups get sad too and make mistakes, we are not infallible.

Best of luck to you.

Oops, that didn't work did it? Try this

Ionesmum, I know from the conversations we've had on the Church and Bible threads that you are a lovely person, and very kind and compassionate. You are not selfish, we all need time to ourselves just to recharge our batteries and feel a little like the person we were before our children arrived - we are more than just a Mum after all. I remember low times after ds was born, thinking of all the things I could be doing if he wasn't around, and feeling so guilty. Please don't feel ashamed of your feelings, you will get nothing but tons of support from the wonderful people who post on this site. Keeping you in my prayers, Ionesmum. xxx

Ionesmum, you musn't feel guilty for posting about this. Mumsnet is wonderful and people are so understanding, and you have been such a support to other people you deserve the support we can give now.
I agree with what people have said about counselling - it wasn't what I needed for PND as I had had lots in the past (been depressed on and off since I was a teenager, been in hosspital with it, had all kinds of drugs and ECT, as well as counselling and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), but if you have never had counselling before then it could be a good route to explore - especially with all you have said about the breastfeeding - it seems to me you are carrying an immense amount of guilt (that you shouldn't) about that, and tablets, although they can help stabilise your feelings, are not going to sort out all your thoughts.
I don't think this is very eloquent, I hope you know what I am trying to say. You will be in my prayers, and if you want to email me privately mumsnet could give you my address.

Rhubarb, I just checked out your website - it's brilliant. Thank you!

Ionesmum, just to add here to the messages saying, don't feel bad about posting - you are worn out, you had a highly worrying start to life with dd, and you are still concerned about b/f. Give yourself a big break and a hug, you sound like a wonderful mum. Being highly sensitive and empathetic isn't a bad thing - it will help you build a really intuitive relationship with dd. And all of us cry over even our quite big toddlers when they are asleep sometimes... But dealing alone with symptoms that might be due to PND is not such a good idea. You have no support, you say - where do you live? (you might not want to say or you could well have already said so and I have forgotten). Is it at all feasible for you to meet up with another Mumsnetter nearby? Your reasons for being reluctant to go out - can they be got round by people coming to see you?
Like others here, I think talking to your GP and HV might help, and if you get no joy from either of them, the suggestions from other Mumsnetters who have been through depression could help - you have Rhubarb and Ghosty to call on, for starters. Even someone who has not experienced depression can see how great Rhubarb's website is!
I can certainly endorse Rosy's view of even the best dhs in times of stress - while I was organising the arrangements for Thomas' service of Thanksgiving last week, dh sanded and painted the patio doors. We were both doing what we needed to do, but it must have seemed bizarre to some of our visitors.
On a completely different thread I think you mentioned trying to find a book about the Bible and family life. I didn't post because it seemed a little flippant, but I recently hugely enjoyed Mark Pinsky's "The Gospel According to the Simpsons", which is an entertaining but very thought-provoking discussion about the various aspects of faith and religious observation on display in said programme. I hope you might enjoy it too.

Just to second the comments about dp's/dh's about 'coping' - Marina, your post was so poignant as after my miscarriage dp definitely 'lost' himself in the practical side of the home while I am more of a 'lets blurt it all out and have a hug' kind of person. I remember feeling really low one day and dp appearing and saying 'I've done something that's going to make you feel better' - he'd put a lock on the bathroom cabinet. I didn't have the heart to get upset about it, he really thought it would cheer me up. Bless him.

Ionesmum, please don't worry about crying in front of a counsellor. The first two times I went I spent the whole time in tears, but its good for you - did you know that tears are full of stress hormones?

Tiredness definitely makes it worse - is there someone who could mind dd for a hour so you could get a little break? Don't feel guilty about that - you need all your strength at the moment.

If dd is in a definite routine that can be very wearing too as you are planning your whole life around her needs - although everyone thinks its wonderful to have a child that sleeps so regularly, in my experience it can be so inflexible that it can contribute to feelings of isolation. I did GF with my first dd but will be much more flexible with the second - I've realised its more important for my own sanity to get out of the house and see people when I need to than for the baby to sleep through the night.

Oh, my word, I am overwhelmed by such kind and loving messages. Marina, thank you so much, for you to be so kind when things are so hard for you has touched me deeply. I'll look out for the book! Rhubarb, I will check out your site in a moment. Everyone, you are all so kind and understanding, it has really made a difference to me.

I live in N.W. Essex. Fortunately we do have quite a few friends near by so I do have people to ring and visit, but there's no-one to leave dd with at the moment - for one thing I'm the only person that can get dd off to sleep! Dd's godmother lives across the road and she has a little girl of two so we see them quite often, really things are much better than I've made them sound. I had a really good night's sleep last night and I feel so much better this morning, I can see thinks much more clearly.

I had a talk with dh and he was really good, basically he's going to make sure that I have the opportunity to do something that I really enjoy each day. He's fantastic at doing the housework etc. and has got me to realise that if dd has a jar of Baby Organix every now and then it's not the end of the world esp. if it means that I have more time to play with dd. He also said that he finds it hard to understand how I feel. In many ways dd's awful birth was much harder for him, I was either off my head or unconscious whereas dh went through it all. I think that perhaps the enormity of what could have happened catches up with me sometimes. I have made an appointment with my g.p. but she is only p/time so it will be a couple of week's before I se her. My hv has left so every time we go to the clinic we see someone different so I don't really feel that I can talk to any of them.

Sorry that this has become such a 'me' post! Thank you all so much once again. I'm off to look at Rhubarb's site!

What a brilliant site, Rhubarb.

Thanks Ionesmum and Ghosty, I just hope it helps
Enid I did laugh when I read about what your dh had done! Just so typical of men isn't it? I remember when I was very depressed whilst pregnant, dh came home with a 'present' for me - a miner's lamp he had uncovered with his digger! How thoughtful! He would also say little gems like "I thought about buying you some flowers today" but he didn't, he just thought that by telling me he had been thinking about it that would cheer me up!

Have just come across this thread and have only had time to skim through so apologies if I repeat anything that has been said already. I have just been diagnosed with pnd after the birth of my twins 16 weeks ago. I have a 3 year old as well and - yes life is hard work but I am so fed up of people thinking that is why I am down - almost as if it was inevitable that I would become depressed. I feel so panicky all the time and have gone from being a really sociable person to finding even phone conversations an ordeal. I feel so guily all the time. I had my twins 6 weeks early after endless scans and worry over the growth of one of them. I am so lucky that they are here safe and sound and almost feel that to admit I am dpressed is a disgrace. Does anyone relate to this??

Yes, yes, yes I do relate to everything you said. I suffered from PND after the birth of my dd. I had difficult pregnancy with her, constant bleeding, extemely low blood-pressure, fainting all the time but that wasn't why I was depressed. It was just one of many reasons which all built up until I could take no more.

I too was a sociable, organised person who sailed through bringing up my ds, suddenly I was panicking over the slightest thing, couldn't even bring myself to talk to my mum on the phone, and trembled with fear if I was left in the same room as my daughter. I feel awful about it now, and just hope she has no deep-seated memory of it, but I just felt I couldn't look after her properly and would do something 'wrong', so I just didn't look after her at all and left it all to my dh. Who luckily was brilliant.

I was on anti-depressants for a year and had counselling, and I am more or less back on track now, although I still have my wobbly moments.

Just hang in there and don't feel guilty about being depressed. It's not your fault, it's an illness and just because it's not tangible, like a broken leg, doesn't make it any less real. If you ever need to let off steam on here, I will always make a point of getting back to you.

Yes pop, I can relate to this too!
Big ((hugs)) and please keep posting - this thread has been a real help to me!

Pop - I definitely relate to the feeling of panic and guilt. I wrote a long post earlier in this thread so will not bore you with my story again but I did get better! I had antidepressants and counselling and had much support from my DH - who couldn't help in the 'talking about it' bit but he did everything else - cooking, cleaning, shopping and helped with caring for my DS. You must keep talking about it - mumsnet is brill like that - and don't worry about talking about YOU!
Thinking of you ....

IonesMum, I was sorry to hear how you?ve been feeling. I feel a bit of a fraud for posting this because I haven?t had PND (I don?t think) but I felt that I identified with some of the things you said. I have always been anxious and over-protective about my son. I never go out in the evenings because if he wakes up he wants me, not my dh. I have never left him with anyone except my mum (approx. 3 times in 21 months) and my dh.

I wasn?t able to breastfeed either and felt terrible about that for months ? I felt that I had let him down.

My son was conceived through fertility treatment, after 4 years of trying to get pregnant. We worried throughout my pregnancy because my mum lost 2 babies soon after birth and my mil also had 2 young children who died. Once he was born, of course we couldn?t relax either. We used a reassurance monitor (to check he was breathing) until he was well over a year old.

For the first year of my son?s life I went through every day with a tight panicky feeling in my chest and worried terribly about the smallest decisions.

As a christian I feel I should be able to relax and trust God to look after my son. The trouble is that he does allow tragedies to happen to christian families. I suppose the ?proper? answer is that I should trust that God would comfort me and give me the strength to cope with whatever happened. But I want him to guarentee that nothing bad will ever happen to my son ? and he won?t do that.

Things that have helped me include: Mumsnet, my Mums and Babies group, a morning housegroup held in the home of someone from church, getting out of the house every day, books (I like ?Staying Home: from full-time professional to full-time parent? by D. Sanders and M. Bullen, but I?m not sure it?d appeal to everyone), paying for someone to do my ironing (so I don?t spend precious nap time on that each week), finding some interesting computer projects to keep my brain active (finding the time to do them is another problem though), and time ? it does seem to be gradually getting better (although I?m not saying you should just wait and see what happens. It may be that the best thing is to get help now, so I think you're doing the right thing in talking to your GP.) Also I keep reminding myself that however inadequate I feel, my son seems to be happy, healthy and developing well.

I?ve found being a SAHM extremely tiring, stressful and full of anxiety, doubt and guilt but I have never regretted having my son. He just keeps getting more wonderful and now he?s running around and starting to talk, I?m constantly amazed at the new things he?s doing.

Sorry if this has been a long post about nothing, and I apoligise to anyone with PND if it looks like I?m saying the answer is to get someone to do the ironing. I?m not trying to trivialise it ? I think little things can help if you?re just a bit down, but depression is a more serious problem.

Jane, thank you for your kind post. I really identify with so much of what you say. Our little ones are so precious, aren't they? We nearly lost dd at birth and just lately I've begun to think that might be part of the problem, so maybe I'll see if I can have counselling about that. The hospital offer a service where you can go in and a midwife will explain everything about your baby's birth so I might do that - ther's a lot I still don't understand. I understand your feelings as a Christian too - God has looked after dd once so I should trust him - but then I'm well aware that faith doesn't prevent tragedies happening and it would be unfair if it did.

I know what you mean about help with the practical things making a huge difference too - I don't need to pay for my ironing to be done as I have dh to do it but switching to carton milk, using the odd jar of Baby Organix, having a nap with dd all help.

Ionesmum, Thanks for replying. Of course, all our babies are precious but I think if you've nearly lost them, or wondered if you would ever have them in the first place, it does make you more likely to be anxious. I'm glad you're going to talk to someone - it's so easy to get things out of proportion when they're just going round in your own head.

Hi there
I have just been reading through this thread and went, Rhubarb, to your website. Thank you so much, so much has and is going on in my life that I found it a great comfort to find your site. I am a long way from sorting out things but I feel that I am heading in the right direction slowly!! thanks again for a great site.
my story is far too long to go into, and anyway, I probably just feel like everyone else does.I just need to realise that I am not alone, although there are times when I feel like I am. thanks again, and I hope that people here do not mind me just popping into the middle of their chats.

mcm,pop into any of these chats and welcome to mumsnet.

Pop

I have just seen your message.
As the mother of 6 year old twins and a 8 and a half year old believe me I've been there, done it and got the t-shirt.
I know exactly what you are going through. I used to get up in the morning and try to make 14+ bottles for the day and I would be shaking because I couldn't even cope with that.
I won't say it gets easier but it does become more manageable and you have to give yourself a chance in the early days, it is so hard trying to cope with three when you've been used to one.

I used to feel really mad with my friends who were moaning about coping with their second and I would be struggling to carry two car seats and watch out for my toddler as well.

Try to stay calm and take one day at a time. Hope this helps

mcm, don't feel bad if you want to tell your story - no story is too long for mumsnet. I think that just about everyone is sympathetic to what you are going through as in some shape or form they have felt it too. Even those who have not suffered from PND are excellent sympathetic listeners (like Jane101).

I sometimes feel that just writing what I am feeling is therapeutic in itself and no one minds!

mcm, welcome to mumsnet. As Ghosty says, it often helps just to write down your story so feel free if you think it might help you.
You will always get a good response here.

Hello mcm. Just want to agree, feel free to chat at any time!

Hello all, have not posted on pnd for a while but have just caught up with all this and am just going to add my thoughts...

My only advice is (having had pnd with dd (3) and a 2nd time with ds (5months). That its hard taking the first step but once you do the sense of relief and achievement is enormous. IMO it is alot about feeeling in control and doing something for yourself, with the help of prozac i feel alot better and don't have many bad days at the moment.

Ionesmum, I knw exactly what you mean about almost losing them making you anxious, we had a very scary time when ds was 15 wks old, he was rushed to hospital with avery high temp and passing out, I have never been so scared in all my life, they suspected Meningitis, When they said that word i thought i was going to throw up there and then, but realised I had to be strong as my dd was also there, she was terrified, Josh was having blood taken at the time and was screaming in agony. Anyway he's fine now, turned out to be an unexplained virus, but it certainly brings home to you just how important they are and how much we love them and feeling anxious is all part and parcel of being a parent.

Sorry to go on I just know where everyone is coming from.