*TAMOXIGANG* 43 *

[MaryAnnSingleton]

New thread !!

Yay for Marshy. Fizz sounds essential.

Yeah for Marshy

Tiny is it you are starting chemo this/next week? I was thinking it was WeeBarra, but I was getting mixed up..

Not starting chemo yet, have plan meeting on mon, then onc on Thurs.
In good news, lovely BCN phoned to say all tests from yesterday were normal, so it's "just" in my breasts. Happy with that!

marshy great news. Ave a glass or three for me.

really you are in no way pathetic, reminders can be horrid. I didn't take it as a criticism at all x

Waiting for invasion of ten year old boys: deep joy.

Ooh more good news. That's great, weebarra.

DD has 4 friends home from school
I think my ears might explode ...

I have 3 boys and 1 girl playing football in my garden I sympathise ! At least with my 2 being away next week I will get a break from all of the other kids in the village too !

Oh, and good news Marshy!

Gosh such a lot has happened on here since yesterday, both very sad news and some good. I'm still lolling in my hospital bed so only have phone with me, but have read through everyone's news and it's so shocking to read about the roller-coasters we are all riding. My heart goes out to so many of you, Foo, Gigs, Knitting, Really, Wee.....

I'm doing fine, node clearance went well, I've had lots of lovely drugs and still feel knackered. I'd got myself so worked up about the results of my scans that I think I'm emotionally rather than physically done-in. For that reason I'm staying in another night (I am v lucky, I have a private room). Besides, drain is still filling up at alarming rate, although I have been given a rather attractive bag to house it in! Likely to start chemo in 3 weeks, so lots of chemo buddies I think.

Love to you all, especially those having a rough time xxx

handbags night of rest in private room sounds good, I hope you have more energy soon, and that drain slows down soon!

gigs bugger :( sorry to hear you're having more chemo, even if you knew it would happen some day, still a bit disappointing it's now. Good that you can still go to Paris though :) and you'll have plenty of chemo buddies!

weebarra good news :)

marshy good news too, enjoy your champagne! :)

foo and really sorry for your losses :(

knitting what a pain you'll have to travel, could you apply to Macmillan for some help with money if needed? At least with a PICC line you might be able to knit :) sorry I forgot in my earlier post to you that you have already had chemo before

I'm a bit :( today. Been on the edge of tears all day. I'm so homesick and I'm finding my dissertation really hard. It wouldn't have been difficult for me at all before all of this, now I can't get my head round even the most basic stuff. Everyone is being nice and saying ask if I need help but I'm not sure what they really do short of doing my dissertation for me hopefully I will start to get the hang of things soon. I need to finish my degree this year, I'm so fed up of uni. Also been chatting to my ex and he hasn't yet realised he is still madly in love with me at the time we broke up I just couldn't cope with it on top of the chemo so I let myself believe that we would get back together when I was better and live happily ever after but of course that's not going to happen.

It's even worse, I almost wished my CT scan had shown something because then I could go back home and give up on uni and I know that is so awful and selfish and horrible. I am so lucky and others haven't been so lucky and I need to snap out of it

Hurrah for the good news, Weebarra and Marshy!!

Ruby, with what you've been through, it would be a miracle if it hadn't changed you and your goals. I think most of us take a long hard look at life and wonder if we can just carry on as if nothing's happened.

You don't need dodgy results to do something different with your life. Under the circumstances, the Uni could perhaps agree that you carry on next year instead of this one, for example. Arrgh re hopeless ex, too. His loss. Someone wonderful will be out there for you.

Handbags, rest all you can...hope you get a decent bit of sleep.

Waving to everyone else....

Handbags glad it went ok and you are getting some rest

Ruby I agree with amber you've been through such a lot it's bound to affect you. Are you near enough to home to go home for the weekend ? You will find someone better than the ex who truly appreciates you I'm sure. Big hugs it's early days after your treatment it will get better xx

Just popping on to say thanks to everyone for the good wishes. I don't quite know what to do with myself now I can have a breather from worrying for a bit! but I guess the fizz will keep me occupied for a while tonight.

weebarra so pleased to hear your news.

Ruby you have been through such a lot and there is nothing wrong with wanting the support and TLC of your family around you.

After much hard slog, I was due to complete my MSc dissertation this summer and deferred to January 2014 as my mum died in April this year and I couldn't face it. I've now decided to temporarily withdraw this year and re-enrol next Sept to complete either the Jan or Aug 2015. There is no way I could get my head around the work at the moment. I know my situation is very different to yours (I am ancient for one thing!) but I guess I'm saying that sometimes you just have to look after yourself and do what is right for you. There is always more than one way to reach your goal.

Love to everyone and wishing you all a good evening

Thank you both. I phoned my parents and they are coming to get me. I'm not far from home, only about 20 mins drive, so it's worked out quite well.

I didn't word it quite right either, it's just that I was expecting them to say the cancer was back. When I had my original CT before diagnosis, they found a 'non-specific' in my lung. The surgeon said it was nothing to worry about and no one has mentioned it since but I had decided it was cancer and so I had, on some level, accepted that's what the scan would say, and then found the silver lining that at least I could go home. So then when in fact it was all clear, although I was happy and relieved, I had also already convinced myself I'd have to move home so then I was disappointed not to. Then I've been feeling guilty about it ever since and got myself all worked up.

I need to have a serious think about what to do really. But the thing is, I don't really want to do anything. I want to just curl up at home! Which isn't really an option. I think it would be even harder to leave and then come back again, but it's definitely an option. Being ill helped me sort my priorities and most of all I'd like to live by the sea so if I can just get through this year, I can start job hunting somewhere by the sea :)

Anyway I am being incredibly self-indulgent and so many of you are having real problems and going through horrid treatments :(

and and for those who need it :)

cross-posted marshy thank you too - temporarily withdrawing definitely sounds like a good idea with everything else you have going on! I'm so sorry about your mum x

X-posts with you. Not at all self indulgent. Its all important stuff! Glad mum and dad are on their way.

Glad you're going home for some tlc ruby would it be easier for you to live at home and go to uni, or come home every weekend ? Talk it over with your family I'm sure you will come to the right decision

Hope everyone has a good evening

Ruby Big hug, that is such a lot to cope with at your age, and with nobody in sight with even vaguely the same problems to unload on. I'm glad your parents are getting you home for big hugs and a chance to get it all in perspective.

As far as your diss goes please do tell your tutor / supervisor. They have all sorts of resources to help as well as lots of flexibility in how you meet the requirements of your degree. Perhaps they would allow you to defer your diss to next year and ease yourself back into the rest of your academic work? Then you could polish it off without any distractions after you finish.

It is a daunting prospect having such a big exercise to complete but if you break it down into easy steps once you have managed one, it all starts to fall into place. If I could do one with my dyslexic chemo addled brain after thirty years haemorrhaging brain cells then I am absolutely sure you can!!

I'm with you on living by the sea. We managed it for 3 years in HK and I miss that view so much. Found myself gazing whistfully at the container ships on Captain Philips because the shipping lanes into Hong Kong ran past the bay we lived on. Somehow all your troubles get lost in the wide horizons.

Ruby, my DS who is your age (ish) comes home many weekends from Uni and that also works well. You are wise to go home for some relation and company.

(((hugs for Ruby))). You've been through so much, it's bound to be hard to get back to normal. I'm not sure if this helps or not, but I found the point at which life was supposed to get back to normal almost the toughest part. I think reality of what I'd been through kicked in or something. You saying you just want to curl up somewhere really chimes! Don't be too harsh on yourself. It's not self indulgent it's important just to be in it sometimes. Life's ahead, but it can wait a bit if it needs to. xx

Ruby, not sure of your back story but I'll send you some hugs too. I know DH got special consideration when doing his dissertation years ago because he was caring for me with depression at the time.

I spoke to Macmillan today and have a welfare advisor calling me next week to go through benefits, I'm already claiming ESA from my previous bout and got the forms through to renew that last week, but things have changed since then and I'm not sure what to do.

DD2 has today had 2 full feeds from a bottle and some of my friends have rallied round and provided more bottles and FF paraphernalia for me, tomorrow we are going for three FF.

I am counting down with a heavy heart til her last BF on Thursday am before chemo starts.

Ruby - of course you're finding it tough, dissertation time is hard even without dealing with what you've had to. Be kind to yourself.
knitting - with you on the formula introduction! DD will happily take a bottle, thank goodness as I haven't been able to feed from "bad boob" since she was born.
It was horrible after my bone scan as I wasn't allowed to feed her for 24 hours.
Consultant has also said he can't give me anything to dry up my milk once chemo starts as the cancer will just eat up the hormones .

Your posts about giving up breast feeding are very sad
i hope the ff goes ok. Sorry, I don't really have the word to express how sorry I am for you.

ruby I hope you find a solution. It's not the same but I have been trying to work from home the last couple of days and spent then first two days jst looking at the screen or deleting old mails. Finally got some work done today: so what I am trying to say id to give yourself some time as everything will seem weird at first, maybe quite a bit of time.

Bit late but excellent news marshy and weebarra and ruby you are amazing and gorgeous and will certainly be snapped up by someone more deserving than ex. As others have said, you've really been through a very tough time and it'll take a while to process it all.
After seeing mum I had a cup of tea with my bcn and talked about the need to live in the present moment, which is of course the essence of Mindfulness. I told her how difficult I find the being well while my friends with mets aren't so lucky - I feel guilty really,which I know is silly. I asked how long might I stay well for,which of course she can't answer. Anyway, it was lovely to see her . Nighty night lovely ones xx

Just popping in to say hi to everyone - it's been a long time and I'm afraid I can't keep track of everyone who has joined and all but the most recent news.

Bugger about having more chemo gigs though I guess it will be a bit better not having to stay in hospital for it.

My sister has started chemo for the second time. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago and after a lumpectomy, chemo and radio it all looked clear but it seems there was another lump that wasn't spotted so she's had a double mx to be sure of getting everything then chemo and then radio. She had four out of 7 positive lymph nodes but there not doing a clearance because her consultant feels that it's spread anyway but they don't know to what extent - nothing is showing on CT scan. I'm just really confused but I don't want to question her too much about it because it's obviously worse for her, but how can they base treatment on "a feeling"

I'm doing okay but feel sort of guilty about it, even though it's irrational, and also anxious about my CT scan coming up in December because I'm sort of all geared up for recurrence all though that's selfish as well.

Anyways, sorry for bargin' in and dripping all over you! On the plus side I got promoted at work to a really good position and I never thought that would happen after my dxs so life carries on and can be really good.

Ruby I just want to give you massive hugs. Of course you want to be at home! You have been through so much it's not surprising you get homesick and need some family tlc. My daughter is around about your age and is in her third year at uni. She still gets homesick and still loves coming home to get looked after.

Such a long post, obviously been away too long!