**TAMOXIFEN 29**

[MaryAnnSingleton]

crikey !

thanks SR and OTM - I hope I can feel calmer - I have the same breast care nurses and absolutely trust them,and the oncs. seem very on the ball (have checked consultant's academic credentials too ) I think it's a question of trust really - a real OCD thing for me.
Am off to get hair cut and a bit of colour which should be an improvement !
Hope everyone has a jolly Saturday - sun is shining here !

SR, great to hear DS is happy. I wonder if he and his girlfriend will last with him being away. Must be tough and they're so v young. Are you plotting treat filled trips to London? After all you have an excellent excuse.

Birdland, I had 3xFEC, then went onto 3xTaxotere. I was dreading it as every one seems to say that's the more brutal. But in the end I preferred it (not sure 'preferred' is the right word!). I was horribly sick on FEC though, so that might have made a difference. Tax genuinely wasn't too bad. Main side effects for me were mouth problems and bone aches. Really wasn't too bad though.

MAS, have a great haircut. Am sure it'll make you feel brighter. Always does with me. Apart from once when we were chatting so much, they got the colour wrong and I ended up looking like a goth.

Smee, re my DS and girlfriend I just think what will be, will be, but I hope there's not too much heartbreak whichever way it goes. The gender balance at Imperial is the the worst in the UK, and according to one friend whose son also went there, the work load is so heavy it would be a good idea to have a long distance girl-friend!

I've had a nice and very useful morning in the garden. Cleared the tomato plants and found about 6 nice cucumbers lurking at the back of the greenhouse so have eaten one, and given two to neighbours. It was a sunny morning but now its all rainy - yuk.

We're off to the cinema this evening to see the German film Barbara. DH and I are addicted to stories about the cold war and East germany! We spent time in Berlin before the wall came down and DH worked in Poland for 4 years also before wall came down,. we have good friends in Berlin, our 3 lovely au pairs were from E Germany, Czech Republic and Poland, and we still find the area and history all very intriguing.

I am so enjoying a weekend at home after 2 very busy ones away, first to take DS to London, then a family wedding. Both lovely occasions but with work as well, I am just glad to have 2 quiet days to myself!

Cucumbers sound good, SR. Let me know what the film's like. DH and I are similarly obsessed. We have a lot of friends there too, but haven't been for a while. Have you read 'Stasiland' by Anna Funder? Worth getting if you haven't.

Thanks for the info smee-its just impossible to know how the chemo will affect you and a lot of my anxiety is related to too much googling!.

Ach, google's useless for breast cancer info. nearly everything relevant has only been researched in the last year, and the stuff's not on the statistics yet.
I got on fine with Tax chemo apart from the very last one (I had 4 + 4 rather than 3 +3). Hardly any nausea with Tax, though you get mighty achey and it gave me gut ache in a mega way by day 6 each time for a couple of days.

Hi, by the way, Birdland. Sorry, I often do facts first and welcomes afterwards. I blame it on being quite potty.

KK, yes, I'm doing too much. Been training groups all day today for example, with huge drive home afterwards, but it's so exciting to be doing stuff properly again.

Hello to everyone else too!!

Morning lovelies, one and all welcome to newbies - will have a proper read back later and catch up on where you are at.

Been looking after poorly DS - ended up in emergency hospital scenario yesterday, but got good drugs for him, and seems much brighter this morning, thank goodness. It just seems to be his asthma playing up, plus a virus.

Going to visit new nephew today

Hope people have got nice plans for today? I can offer and chocolate brioche rolls and lemon curd muffins for the trolley?

Lots of love and hugs to all - I promise I will read and catch up with everything
properly later x x x

oh no - for ds ned - really hope he's feeling better soon.
Am v excited about next weekend !

for =poor

Sorry for the following selfish post. I am freaking out big time and just can't think of anything else. Keep feeling like I need to say bye to my friends, make peace with one person I fell out with and fill the freezer with food for DH and the kids.

JustFab - I'm sorry I haven't read about where you are with treatement and diagnosis but if you are feeling panicky, take a deep breath and try to steer your head back to today and tomorrow only. Don't think long term, just a few days or a week at a time. OPne step. Try to deal with what you know, and tell your brain that you don't know what is going to happen in the future, so there is no point thinking about every scenario.

A =- there are so many variable with BC that you can't deal with them all anyway;
B - the likelihood is that you'll be fine.

C - have a good howl if you need to - but then go back to training your head - you'll cope , honestly. I found my worst panic were in the first few weeks when I was reeling, but gradually things will clarify and you'll feel more in control of dealing with each step.

Much love
x

Oh, and yes its good to fill the freezer - if you like cooking! I found it therapeutic. I also cleared out all my drawers ansd cupboards - I think this instinct goes with the territory and as long as you don't frazzle yourself doing it too fast, its also quite therapeutic in its way.

But going out for a walk is even better - very important for sanity. Even just 30 mins outside helps.

I am having surgery tomorrow to check for endrometrial cancer. I am terrified of the procedure nevermind what they might find. The bc worry I am trying not to think about as 2 potentials is ridiculous.

DH has taken the kids out as I just wanted to be on my own. I am ironing and have been for about 1 1/2hours now and I have had enough.

Oh Ned poor Little Ned and poor you !
Hope he gets well soon .

Mas what are you up to next weekend ?

Just Fab it's not surprising you are having a little freak out . It's a big thing that you are going through .

SR gives great advice .
Taking things one step at a time and not thinking ahead , is the best advice I was given at the beginning stages .
You have to teach yourself to accept that some things are just outside of your control !

Concentrating on the things you can control is good . Filling the freezer etc .
As for making peace with someone , well that's never a bad thing whatever the circumstances

Oh and today's plans are luffly .
The nephew who we helped bring home from the hospital after he was born , has turned 18 .
So today is a family party .

He is the loveliest , most genuine , hard working boy (who is wanting to go to university to be a doctor like his beloved grandfather , whose birthday he was born on !)
And we are so proud of him !

It's going to be mad , he has 12 aunties and uncles plus all the cousins on his fathers side alone .
Wish me luck

I am certain they wouldn't want to hear from me so I am being selfish.

Nothing wrong with being a bit selfish sometimes Just Fab .
If it makes you feel better , why not ?
If you think they won't be receptive , why not write a letter ? You don't even have to send it .

To be honest , at the moment , it's got to be all about you .
You need to concentrate on what makes you feel better .

Keep coming on here and sounding off .
I found I couldn't talk about certain things to my family , so I came on here and I could talk about all the bizarre things that my brain came up with at 2am ( such as planning what music and flowers I wanted at my funeral )

I am just so annoyed at myself for getting into such a state.

Don't be annoyed at yourself .
It's all perfectly natural .
Just do what ever feels right for you !

I have told a coupld of friends as I am in the what if the GA goes wrong for me frame of mind but hate the thought of worrying anyone.

SR's advice is always good to take fab...I can't really offer anything else except to try to concentrate on the present moment.
topsy nephew sounds lovely - hope you all have a fab party...
Am meetingned next w/end as she'll be with her sis who lives near me !

JustFab, I'm glad you've told a couple of friends - you do need a support team , I found, once I could bear to tell people.

You can think of this as another area you can control though - you don#t have to tell anyone - its entirely your choice. I think its good to let a few know when you're able to, as then they'll come and visit you and give you lifts- which is incredibly helpful. Its not that I have a vast crowd of friends - but the people I know here really did rally round and helped with practical things at useful times.

I'll be thinking of tomorrow - how long will you be in? Have you had a GA before? Hugs.

I found it incredibly hard to tell people .
So I took the cowards way out and made DH do it !

Mas that will be lovely !
I'm always a bit jealous when mumsnetters meet up .
Which reminds me , Gracie where are you ? Don't make me stalk you to the rads dept

The friends I have told are miles away so can't physically do anything. I had had a GA before and my body doesn't like it at all. I feel drained and just don't know what to do with myself. I am also fretting about the kids getting to school and having everything they need.