**tamoxifen the 13th**

[MaryAnnSingleton]

here we are- anticipating halloween

Yeay, Topsy's back. Always good when it's speedy.

Sparkle, hope Consult goes well tomorrow. Poor DS being home again.

Shrieking was from both of us. It was DS's idea, and I have not a clue why I agreed to it. Was very funny, though.

So smee are you telling me spiders have a homing signal thingy...so if dh puts them outside "humanely" they will come back!!!!!! Arghh....I asked to borrow dh's slipper last n ight to kill one, cos I couldn't "contaminate" my own slipper with it....I am terrible...off to find MAS's spider on fb to scare myself silly!

I probably don't have cancer, may I still post.

Found large (1'')diameter lump in breast last night. Docs this morning. Am being referred upwards.

Am away on holiday next week with my dp, dd, and dad. It is my sisters wedding on monday. On sunday the 1 year anniversary of my step mum dying from lung cancer.

I am shitting myself.

I keep getting all maudlin and having a little weep when I think of dying and leaving my dd.

Or stopping breastfeeding her.

And if it is cancer how the hell do I tell my dad after both his wife, and his dad died of cancer.

I feel really terrible posting here when you guys have got real problems and i'm just being a drama queen.

I'm just trying to not think about it,s and to not google to much.

Did I say I was scared?

That is all. Thanks for listening.

It'sallgoingtobefine - you are not a fraud , you have very valid concerns ! We all came here in the same position as you . Our support is here from the very start of your journey .
Hopefully you won't need us for much longer !

As you are still feeding your DD , it's quite likey to be related to that . But your GP is absolutely right to refer for further tests .

Did the GP tell you how long your referral would take ? Mine was very quick , was seen by the one stop breast clinic at my local hospital within 3 weeks . And had my tests all done and results back on the same day .
Other ladies took longer . it all depends on your hospital .

Sounds like you have a lot to occupy you while you wait . Try not to worry too much in the mean time (easier said than done !) . And any questions you have , feel free to ask . There are no stupid questions (cos I have already asked them all )

Itsallgoingtobefine I can't add anything to topsy's post - and you are very welcome here - we all understand how you are feeling.x

thank you for the replies, I don't really have anyone else to talk to.

The doc knows I am going away, and reckons i'll have a referral in couple of weeks.

If they do that needle biopsy thingy will that affect breastfeeding?

I am hoping that it is bf related - I have this idea that trauma can cause lumps and dd has certainly made me wince a few times with her feeding acrobatics.

I feel really guilty. The doc asked me how often I check my breasts,a nd I had to say that I don't. if I had checked I would have noticed before this lump got massive. I worry thtas it is so big it will have spread and it is my fault for not catching it earlier.

But then most referrals are false alarms.

I'm trying so hard not to think about it,s but it keeps creeping up on me. Maybe I can pretend random weeps are happiness at sisters wedding.

Doc was in a hurry so didn't explain much about referrals. Just that he would sort one, and to call surgery if hadn't heard from hospital in 2 weeks. Don't know what happens at referral, if it is one stop shop. Am in glasgow if anyone knows procedures.

You ladies are amazing, how do you manage to support others while dealing with it yourself. I just want to curl up inside myself.

Nope, still not entirely packed...can't do a thing with me!
Topsy, hooray re your quick chemo today!!
Tippexed spiders? The mind boggles!

Hi ItsAllGoingToBeFine, welcome from me too. No question or emotion is wrong when we're going through any part of worry/testing/diagnosis/treatment/aftermath.

Don't Google. There's absolute rubbish out there, based on research done in the Stone Age when all they had to beat cancer was a herbal tea or something (I exaggerate, but not a lot). There's only a 1 in 10 chance that any lump is cancer. Most are cysts etc. Even if it is, 8 or 9 out of 10 people with breast cancer have an excellent chance of success these days. This may help a bit at the moment. Keeping everything crossed for you.

Afternoon all

I refuse to discuss spiders after one jumped on my head a couple of weeks ago from the overhead bedroom cupboards followed by finding one swimming in the loo. I am not being spider stalked.....so there

I have been considering the best way of getting my notes as I feel my surgeon will say "write in to the hospital" rather than just handing them over. If thats the case who would I address the letter to?

Earth Ring up the hospital and ask the main switch board, in my hospital it iks a department called the Ministeries (all very Harry Potteresque) There will be a £50 charge though, which is ridiculous!

Itisallgoingtobefine - you are very welcome, although I am sorry you have to be here if you know what I mean. You know if you are bf it is probably related to that, maybe a blocked duct or something, so do try and keep positive if you can. I have felt exactly as you do right now, I had to have a mass removed earlier this year, it turned out to not be cancerous, but was removed as some do develop into cancer. If you have a needle biospy I don't think ikt will really affect bf, it slightly depends on where the site of the mass is, mine was right under the nipple, and so the nipple was sore for a week afterwards, but the rest of the breast, was fine after a really short time.

It'sallgoingtobefine, can't add much, but you're most definitely not a fraud. Stick with us and ask any and all questions. As Topsy says, hopefully you won't need us for very long.

Apologies for freaking you all with white booted spider stories. Maybe ours was a mutant.

Earth, I haven't a clue who you'd write to, but you definitely have a right to see your notes. How's the bruising?

Amber, huge amounts of positivity flowing your way. What time do you have to be there tomorrow? Hope it's not ridiculously early.

Just had to buy DS some new trainers. Why are shoes so expensive?!

I know I just spent £90 plus for two sets of school shoes and a set of trainers!!!

Just out of morbid curiosity......how did you

1. keep the spider still enough to tipex anything
2. boots......you mean you did MORE THAN ONE LEG!
3. MUTANT!!!!!! how big was it!

no wine....NO WINE

framey... glad to hear your mum doing so much better you must be so relieved.

amber...good luck for tomorrow,if your anything like me you will be bricking it right now but you will be fine.

imseeingstars... you have my sympathy i also had a problem eating and craved the most strange things,let your body tell you what you need to eat and try and eat little and often.as for booze was told the odd drink wouldnt hurt but to avoid it just before or after chemo,but im another one who really couldnt face it.

sparkle..your poor boy he really does go through it bless him,good luck with dealing with his consultant.

topsy...much better to get it over and done with so quickly

itsallgoingtobefine...welcome but sorry you have had to come and find us,the waiting can be very scarey but its most likely in your case something to do with BF.will keep my fingers crossed for you but avoid google at all costs you will terrify yourself.

visit to the consultant went well wanted to see me because of seroma problems,from when they drained near my collar bone someone had told him they thought i had some long named condition(fluid heading for the neck) he said that wasnt the case,bit concerned that my scar is red and told me to keep a close eye on it and come straight back if it gets worse as there might be puss inside.but for now i have been given the go ahead for radiotheraphy. yay will be on the home stretch.

ate my dinner last night then threw up without warning was fine after but now and then over the last month im suddenly heaving then it passes.do you think its the chemo being in my system still thats causes it?

pink I am not a chemo expert...but I bet it is the chemo doing that to you. I am so sorry.

im going to go to see my gp this week i want to know when i can stop the dreaded injections for my blood clot, im sure the 6 months im meant to be on them must end soon so will ask him about the sickness to.

Gosh you have got so much going on! Big hugs pink, I hope you manage to keep your food down this evening.

Hello all, - I've been out all day (yoga followed by a Breast Cancer Care info. session, which was excellent)

itsallgoingtobefine, - I'm sorry you find yourself here, but of course you are very welcome, and not a fraud at all. Its easy to say, but try not to panic too much, I know its very scary, and waiting is hard, but if you can, don't think beyond the next thing, which is the breast clinic referral, otherwise you are spending a lot of energy worrying about hypotheticals. You've done all the right things to get whatever the problem is, sorted out

There's a lot of spider talk going on here, I found a big hairy one swimming frantically in the dog's water bowl this morning. I had to create a lifeboat out of a paper cup and rescue it

hooray for quick chemo topsy, and hooray for not too much messing about with the canula, take it easy, put your feet up and enjoy your crumpets

Lots of luck and love for tomorrow amber, - we'll all be thinking of you

Poor little DS sparkle, I hope he's feeling better now, good luck at the consultation.

earth good luck with the notes (sorry I don't know who you write to) but that it costs £50 to look at your own notes, disgraceful!

Waving to everyone else hope you're feeling a bit better pink, - sickness sounds a pain, I hope GP sorts it out for you.

Tell me I've gone mad, but I put my name down as a volunteer to model at the Breast Cancer Care lingerie evening. Before you all fall on the floor laughing at the idea of a very short fat person modelling, they want 'ordinary women' (they don't come much more "ordinary" than me ). I think its only bra modelling (I hope so, there's no way I'm prancing around in my pants). They probably won't pick me, but I thought I've been to lots of free info sessions, I should offer to help out with events.

Dh's irritating, condesending and unnecessary at my age! And still no I take it back they are necessary to bring the wine home!

As you were.......

poor pink- all sounds horrid
It's book group this evening - haven't finished it,though tried to at the boy's piano lesson (skimming) -anyway,got to the sex bit which has been looming since the beginning virtually..anyway,am going to have WINE and crisps -yum ! Am feeling so darned tired and achey.
A big hug and a sneaky packet of biccies for topsy x

yay for KK the spider-saver ! I would have to rescue it too-can't really let even scary things suffer. How exciting being a model;,though I'd be far too shy to be seen in a bra
sparkle- can i send you some virtual wine ?

White would be lovely if you have it

MAS - rescue spiders, did you not read smee's tipex tale, they come back homing pigeon style....!

Oh poor you, Pink. Sickness is never good. Hope it's a one off.

What's the book, MAS? Doesn't matter if you haven't finished it, just eat the crisps.

Move over Elle McPherson, make way for Kurri!!

Sparkle, wine sounds necessary. As you asked:
(1) trap the beasty under a glass - and it really was beast sized.
(2) arm your child with tippex
(3) slightly lift glass edge so spider tries to escape, then get child to lunge tippex brush at a leg as it pokes through.
(4) both shriek loudly throughout.

Got some beetroot to cook tonight. Halloumi or goats cheese? What goes best?

smee - love beetroot , hate halloumi (squeaky bland bluergh !) . So I vote goats cheese .
And can I add "shut up shut up shut up" re your spider tales

pink - sickness is not good , hoping it's nothing nasty . Everytime I told anyone (pre cancer) that I felt sick , they always immediately accused me of being pregnant !

kk - you do realise we shall want photos of your modelling debut ?

sparkle - hope DS is feeling a little better .

amber - the very best of luck for tomorrow . I shall light a candle for you .

Slowing down a bit now . Am watching Location in bed and surfing the net on my phone . Selfish DS is refusing to let me have his laptop . I shall have my revenge though by sending him to bed shortly . Then lappy will be mine all mine

definitely move over Elle McPherson's fat gran

you really really don't want to see photos of me in my bra topsy,

I haven't been selected yet though, its not until Feb. (oh the tension, its like Britain's next worse top model )

kurri...what the hell ha ha,your one brave woman way more guts than me.

mas...sounds horrid been there its not nice,hope you feel better soon.

topsy...are you watching location location? i became completely hooked on all the house programmes whilst i was on chemo and had no energy to move.

sparkle...i hope your poor little mite feels better soon.

feeling much better tonight no sickness its not all the time just now and then coming from nowhere.

talking of sending sons to bed early im very tempted to send mine hes driving me mad, non stop rabbitting. if i hear "mum" one more time im going to hide in the pantry.honestly whats this, whats that,why,when aaaahhhh.