Update on Rindercella's DH

[Rindercella]

Apologies for putting my name in the thread title - it seems so self important but I don't mean it to be. So many of you offered so much help, support and fantastic advice, I just wanted to let you know where we are at. Previous threads here and here.

DH was diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer with secondary lymph node cancer in May last year, when our DD2 was just 5 weeks old. 9 months on and things are very far from well. DH's health has unfortunately really deteriorated since then. Particularly since Christmas he is suffering so much more pain and discomfort. He can now barely eat and is just so, so weak.

He saw his oncologist yesterday and he is to start a course of chemotherapy starting next Wednesday. He also needs a blood transfusion next week (and thank you to everyone who gives blood, what a brilliant thing you do).

He is a very, very ill man. It is so bloody hard to see the man I love so very much waste away. There is no prognosis. I know he is going to die from this fucking awful disease. I just don't know when.

I am getting counselling, which is definitely helping me. And my SIL is now more or less living with us which is so fanastic I cannot tell you - her being here helps us all so much, and it helps her and it helps the rest of their family, knowing that she is here. I actually don't know how I coped for the last couple of months before her arrival. I am still manically busy, and that's with an extra person helping me. I think DD1 feels it very much too and is especially clingy to me and she really hates me leaving her (eg when I drop her off at preschool).

Mostly this seems so surreal. Like I am not really typing these words. Cancer. Chemo. Only pallative. My darling husband. Those things just shouldn't be joined together. But they are and it is very, very painful.

I hope that the chemo does make DH feel better (I understand that he is likely to have bad days following the treatment). The worst pain for him is in his bones. He sometimes screams out with the pain. Just heartbreaking.

Does anyone have andy advice on how best to help him through his chemo?

Happy for you that he'll be home with you soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you all x

Thanks everyone, perspective is much needed sometimes!

DSS is 20 and I love him to bits. He & his dad have a really close, special relationship - DH did those weekly drives for one reason - he loves his son and wanted to see him.

DSS is now coming to see DH weekly and of course he is struggling, but he has me and his aunts, who he is very close to, supporting him.

One of my SsIL keeps banging on about the 'poor' ex though and how we must be supporting her too as she is devastated by this. I told SIL I don't give a fuck about her and to please not mention this woman's devastation to me.

I think I made myself clear!

Good news Rinders, enjoy your family time together at home.

Keep taking the photos and maybe you'll get a chance to make some videos as well.

How very insensitive of the SIL! Some people are really not on the ball at all, don't blame you for being Very Clear about it. Very glad that DSS is able to get himself over to see Richard though - means you don't have to put up with seeing the ex.

And it does give you a useful focus to vent your anger on! As well as letting rip on here when you need to of course.

How is R sleeping now? I had a thought - you could maybe get him a lavender pillow if he hasn't already got one (and isn't hayfeverish/lavender-hating/hypersensitive to smells) - apparently that can help with sleep.

Ithink you have quite enough to worry about without having to even think about ex.she must find her comfort elsewhere,you are Richards family now. I hope you managed to get your hand casts done.

One of my SsIL keeps banging on about the 'poor' ex though and how we must be supporting her too as she is devastated by this. I told SIL I don't give a fuck about her and to please not mention this woman's devastation to me

I think I made myself clear!

Well done you!!!

Your SIL - such twattery.... ... you think she's have more bloody sense really... still, as you have made yourself clear hopefully it will be the end of it!!

The Team they are putting together to assist Richard (and you) at home sounds wonderful... a lot more support than we had and would have made all the difference, it may be quite difficult to have so many people in the house all the time, but at least with them there you can pop out when it gets too much. Will you be able to organise things so you can sleep with Richard? - that would be lovely.

Keep pushing to see if they can get it organised sooner :)

It's a mind fuck though isn't it :( You get all excited by the thought of them coming home, then you have to remind yourself again why they are coming home...

If love & good wishes could change things, we would have Richard fighting fit by now x

Don't forget to look after yourself!

xxx

Rinders, glad to hear your Prince is coming home :). The care package sounds phantasmic; as it ought to be of course, but not commonplace IME, so I am v glad for you, R and your girls.

Please may I second MrsdeVere re not allowing his XW any head-space and not waste any precious nervous energy on her needs? This time is for you and him and the girls.

Everything crossed here he will be with you v shortly.

Rinders you are totally right to be mad. But she probably is genuinely upset. I'd be upset if my ex-dh was hit by a truck especially if I wasn't the one driving it but purely because if you do care for someone for a long time you still sort of care regardless of the time passed. There's going to be a lot of people genuinely upset though, but you can't help them through it, especially when you have your own grief going on at the same time.

And to be fair to her she will also be the mother of a bereaved child. Which as you know is hard to bear. At some point, try and forgive her, because at some point she did make Richard happy and besides which, if she hadn't left him, he would never have met you and made those two lovely children with you. You've got enough bad stuff to deal with, don't hold onto anger at someone who really doesn't matter to you.

Hold onto the important things, you had some time together, he's not dead yet and you are getting him to come home so you can all be together for his last days. This is the only thing that matters right now. And tell relatives who want to harp on the worries of others that actually you are dealing with your immediate family now and the hangers on can hang on till you are ready thanks very much.

I wish you could have one perfect day with Richard at home, all four of you, laughing and enjoying the sunshine. If I had a fairy wand I'd wave it. But that's what I'm hoping for for your family next week.

At the moment, the only people that matter are Richard, your DSS, your 2 lovely girls and you.

Concentrate on those and ignore the rest.

As the saying goes- "Those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind"

x

Whomoved, I know all of that, thanks. Still doesn't make me give a fuck about her though. I am civil to her - pleasant even - when I see or speak to her. I always have been. I am a pretty smart, emotionally intelligent 40 year old woman who would hate to cause any awkwardness for my DSS. Whatever I think about this woman DSS would never know and neither would his mother. Tbh it really feels like you were giving me a good old lecture which I could do without

Anyhow, just had the lovely NHS funding lady call to confirm the funding has been granted and they have 2 carers ready to go. So Tuesday it is - can't be before as all the equipment needs to be ordered in, they don't like Fridays cos of the weekend and there's a power outrage here on Monday.

Am quite a stroppy mare today, who still loves all of DH's sisters, especially the one going on about the ex but io cannot take on anyone else's grief atm. Gotta look after my girls and me.

DH quite sleepy today, really enjoyed seeing the girls & me though.

Outtage. Not a power outrage!!

power outrage is good as well, Rinders
I am so glad that the funding and everything is in place for Richard to be comfortable at home.

Hurrah for funding and Richard coming home on Tuesday!
Did at power outrage - it IS outrageous! Is it a scheduled power out? are they doing repair works or summat?

Excellent news about the funding :)

It's a shame it can't be any sooner but Tuesday will come quickly.

I hope you and the girls can find some time to enjoy this sunshine while it lasts? It was HOT here today! Definitely not complaining though, it's nice to see the sun!

Have you got any plans with friends for the next few evenings? A DVD, bottle of wine? Just to pass an evening or two before you have Richard home & a couple of nurses there as well?

I'm babysitting tonight - a friends little boy (6 months) just for a couple of hours, I have a bottle of wine in the fridge for later - chilling nicely :) I'll have a toast for the funding coming through and Richard coming home on Tuesday :) x

So glad that it is all sorted for Richard coming home on Tuesday Rinders.

Ignore the ex and the relatives who are trying to make you deal with their grief - you are absolutely right to only want to think about your immediate family at the moment and nobody else. You have enough to worry about without giving anyone else any head space.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through and I really do hope that you manage to share some lovely time together as a family when Richard comes home.

thinking of you all x

ps husband very handsome

Rindercella I am so pleased to read that Richard will be coming home, it's wonderful news As for the ex, you don't owe her anything, nothing at all, you do right to concentrate on your lovely little family. Thinking of you all x

Rindercella - great, great news about R coming home. Everything crossed here!

Bil's ex was 'devastated' too. I think it's the regrets that get them you know. Knoing how badly you've treated someone and knoing that this is it and you can't make amends. At least I hope that's what it is. Whatever it is though you are totally right not to give it a second of your energy. Look after you, your girls and your stepson and of course Richard. Everybody else has to shift for themselves and will do so.

So glad to hear that Richard is coming home, AND with Carers :)

Take care of yourself too!

Really pleased to read that the funding's come through and you're getting Richard home, Rinders :)

Rinders-you vent! Ex can look after herself - it's not your job to consider her feelings.

Focus on you and yours and the fact that as you said he has come home to die with you.
I still think you are amazingly self aware, controlled and considerate.

So glad you got the funding and are getting him home on Tuesday. You, Richard and the girls will have some special time together, at home, just for the four of you, with all the support you need to help make it as normal as possible.

Hope Tuesday comes around nice and fast.

Rinders, really glad the plans to bring R home are all coming together.

Also I'm sure wmmc meant well...but you are going through hell right now so you're right, you need to focus on you and the girls.

And on that score...who is looking after you?

Had a thought after you wrote about Father's Day...why not make your own FD before he slips away? You could designate any day and treat him like royalty for the day.

Hope all plans are proceeding, thinking of you.