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Original poster

Update on Rindercella's DH

1000 replies

Rindercella · 09/02/2011 12:21

Apologies for putting my name in the thread title - it seems so self important but I don't mean it to be. So many of you offered so much help, support and fantastic advice, I just wanted to let you know where we are at. Previous threads here and here.

DH was diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer with secondary lymph node cancer in May last year, when our DD2 was just 5 weeks old. 9 months on and things are very far from well. DH's health has unfortunately really deteriorated since then. Particularly since Christmas he is suffering so much more pain and discomfort. He can now barely eat and is just so, so weak.

He saw his oncologist yesterday and he is to start a course of chemotherapy starting next Wednesday. He also needs a blood transfusion next week (and thank you to everyone who gives blood, what a brilliant thing you do).

He is a very, very ill man. It is so bloody hard to see the man I love so very much waste away. There is no prognosis. I know he is going to die from this fucking awful disease. I just don't know when.

I am getting counselling, which is definitely helping me. And my SIL is now more or less living with us which is so fanastic I cannot tell you - her being here helps us all so much, and it helps her and it helps the rest of their family, knowing that she is here. I actually don't know how I coped for the last couple of months before her arrival. I am still manically busy, and that's with an extra person helping me. I think DD1 feels it very much too and is especially clingy to me and she really hates me leaving her (eg when I drop her off at preschool).

Mostly this seems so surreal. Like I am not really typing these words. Cancer. Chemo. Only pallative. My darling husband. Those things just shouldn't be joined together. But they are and it is very, very painful.

I hope that the chemo does make DH feel better (I understand that he is likely to have bad days following the treatment). The worst pain for him is in his bones. He sometimes screams out with the pain. Just heartbreaking.

Does anyone have andy advice on how best to help him through his chemo?

OP posts:
trulymadlydeeply · 10/02/2011 16:01

So, so sorry, Rinders ...

Thinking of you all with love.

XXX

kizzie · 10/02/2011 16:02

Ive been thinking of you and our family so much since reading this thread. Just so Sad for you. You sound like an incredibly strong woman. Wishing you all love x

soda1234 · 10/02/2011 16:26

I'm so sorry to hear your news.
I live in Oxfordshire too, and just wondered if you were aware of this organisation?
www.seesaw.org.uk/about.htm
They may be able to offer you some support with your dd's. Thinking of you.

ImFab · 10/02/2011 16:33

I know anything I post is not important but I wanted to say I had no idea and have missed your previous posts and wanted to say I am thinking of you. If I can help in a practical way, please let me know.

Original poster
Rindercella · 10/02/2011 18:05

Thank you all for your messages, so much help you cannot possibly tell. Excuse crap typing, am on phone

Today has been horrendous, but also good. Richard broke down for the first time. I think the fucking awful horrible truth has dawned. This thing is going to consume him. There is no going back. He will die from it. He is strongest person I have ever known. He's always had very good cause to be. Losing his own father at a v young age, nasty divorce, racism at work/socially everything you could throw at him he dealt with without complaint .

I love him, I love him, I love him.

This cannot be fucking happening to us. We were meant to get old together.

Strong? Me? No, a total fucking mess

OP posts:
Buda · 10/02/2011 18:10

Oh God. I don't know what to say. It is so fucking awful and so unfair. None of you should be having to deal with this.

I wish I had a magic wand.

Original poster
Rindercella · 10/02/2011 18:16

Yes, magic wand wld be good. as would John Coffe from The Green Mile. We wish he lived round these parts

OP posts:
elmofan · 10/02/2011 18:18

I am so so sorry you are all going through this Sad you are all in my thoughts & my prayers xx

Arcadie · 10/02/2011 18:22

Just caught up on how you're doing. So so so sorry Rinders. Sad You are being amazingly strong and what you write is a testimony to your brilliant marriage, your wonderful husband and the father of your little ones. Really wish we could help in some other way than just praying for you but will carry on doing that at least. Give your littlest a big squeeze from the MMMs

ledkr · 10/02/2011 18:28

I am so sad for you and just wante to say like others i have had chemo for breast ca, and if you take all the meds and advice it really isnt as bad as you imagine.I dont know if it helps but you reach a point where you accept what is happening and the fear gets less,i was sad for my dcs and family and it was important for me to talk about them all being ok if the worst happened.Of course i was never told i was terminal but it was very aggressive so to this day i still dont have the all clear.If i can offer you anything further please ask.I will be praying for you all and sending you lots of love.

Original poster
Rindercella · 10/02/2011 18:31

Why why why? Why does this awful, horrendous, pain beyond belief have to hurt Richard???

I just don't get it. He was strong, so physically strong. Should have been a professional athlete. He's never dome drugs, drank in excess, only ever smoked a tiny bit. This thing is raging through his whole body, through the very essence of him.

Our little girls should grow up knowing him. I should be spending the rest of my life with him. He should be happy, relaxed, without worry
.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 10/02/2011 18:32

Rindercella - my bil is dying from cancer. Like you we know it will kill him and like you we don't know when. I absolutely understand when you say 'this can't be happening' - it's so, so wrong. Unbearably wrong. All you can do is endure it.

Original poster
Rindercella · 10/02/2011 18:33

Thank you ledkr and I am so sorry for your illness xxx I wish you well and hope you make a good recovery xxx

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 10/02/2011 18:35

Cancer has such a strong identity doesn't it? This malicious rapacious beast that steals in to our homes and takes those we love. Has them half consumed before we even notice. Sometime retreats a little but is still there lurking and then it advances again. Merciless and vicious and it almost has a face - so strong is the sense of it's malevolent being.

minimu1 · 10/02/2011 18:45

I do so feel for you Rindercella and have been lurking on your threads - gone to post and then deleted them many times as I do not want to upset you more or say the wrong thing.

My father had to suffer this awful illness when he was far too young and healthy. I felt really strongly that the cancer did not take his identity, it did not change the fact that he was a wonderful man and father. Although I grew up without him from the age of 13 he still is the best father in the world, he always will be, he has not left me I think of him daily, hourly sometimes and his presence can not be destroyed by this awful disease.

You OH sounds like a fantastic father, husband and man it is so unfair but he will not be destroyed by this illness. Your love for each other will always be there. It is so dreadful that you all have to suffer this terrible illness. Sending you loads of love, strength.

FoghornLeghorn · 10/02/2011 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

jellyrolly · 10/02/2011 19:02

I'm so sorry for you Rinders and for your family, just want to add that I'm thinking of you. Your DH sounds like a truly wonderful man, they say grief is the price you pay for love, it's just so unfair Sad.

bellavita · 10/02/2011 19:05

I am sorry to hear DH is not so good.

I have asked Shiney to give you a huge hug from me when she sees you.

Wishing you lots of love and strength xx

AfriBaby · 10/02/2011 19:48

So so sorry Rinders. Your family are in my thoughts.

cornsilk · 10/02/2011 19:59

I'm so sorry Rindercella xx

IngridBergmann · 10/02/2011 20:06

Much love to you all xxxxx

whomovedmychocolate · 10/02/2011 20:18

Rinders :(

Is it a good idea for your DD1 to make a scrap book about Daddy so you can write down his memories of her and photos etc. you know, I remember them dancing at her birthday party and they looked so happy together. In the future maybe it will help?

I don't know what to say to you - except that he has found the love of his life and then had two beautiful children, which is an amazing achievement in one so young and one that I know has made his life wonderful in so many ways.

Cancer is a bastard. A vicious, unyielding bastard. :(

treedelivery · 10/02/2011 20:24

I remember the first thread and have wondered so many times how everything was. I'm so sorry Rindercella.

Shhhh · 10/02/2011 20:27

sorry, I can't offer any help or advice but wanted to send a hug your way {{{hug}}}

What a sad thing to be experiencing for your dh, you, your lo's and extended family..Sad.

You sound like an amazing woman, you are lucky to have each other xx

verytellytubby · 10/02/2011 20:34

I'm so so so sorry. For the first time ever I have tears reading your thread.

Huge hugs.

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