**TAMOXIFEN**the 6th

[MaryAnnSingleton]

here we go !

Thank you. I do have a dh, there have been some issues with him this year, but he is there for me, he is often away though and works stupidly long hours like most people have to do in this country these days just to keep their jobs. My days are usually very busy as I have a ds with a physical condition which causes him to be disabled and is life threatening for him too, so that plus the two dds and keeping the home and the smallholding keep me occupied most of the day, it is at night when all jobs are done, just me and the darkness that I feel most scared. Dh says he will be home to have the dc during my appointment on Monday, not sure he will actually make it, but I have a friend on child care stand by, but that does mean I am off to the appointment by self. It is so good to actually share my fears with someone, I have been bottling them up for the last two weeks. Thank you for taling the time to talk to me.

hang on in there Sparkle

Hope all is going well for Lixa (fingers and everything crossed).

Hello Sparkle: so sorry you are going through this: very hard not to sit and worry when you are on your own, but you should be proud of yourself for not hanging about, but going to get it sorted. it may well be nothing much, and even if it is, there is lots that can be done to get you back fit and healthy.

Try to just deal with what you know. it is hard, I have been in a bit of a state this week about having a check-up yesterday so I do remember how tough it can be, and so does everyone else here. Try to look after yourself and have some treats until the appointment and,if possible, take someone with you when you go. If you can't do that, and you turn up there feeling scared, tell the nurses rather than trying to be brave. They'll be really supportive. The radiographer held my hand during my biopsy, I'll always remember her kindness.

Post to us here in the meantime, it helps a lot to unload to people who have been there before you.

Thanks to everyone for their good vibes for yesterday. It was fine - they think the tamoxifen is making my bad back worse, but that's something we can't change. I find that strangely reassuring, at least there is a reason for it.

RWU - if you have got to the end of this - By all that's holy, stop jumping/ploughing into hedges. And I vaguely remember what being a size 10 feels like. it was nice {wistful emoticon}

Yay! to MAS's talented ds. And of course, love to all.

I'll limp off now - went to stretch 'n' tone last night - it is the work of the devil.

Hello Sparkle and welcome from me too - though I really hope you're in the wrong place iykwim.

Hope this helps, but just after I was diagnosed, a friend of mine had bleeding from her nipple and was convinced it would be bad news, but it was found to be a benign tumour - apparently that's really common, so you should maybe hang onto that this weekend. I know it's hard not to think the worst, but it really might be fine.

Come back here as much as you want to. We'll help as much as we can, I'm sure.

RWU, am obviously right to be scared of horses. Glad the hedge was there, sounds like you chose the right place to fall at least. But dress shopping and Ikea on the same day?! Where do you get your energy? No wonder you're a size 10..

Kurri, you ate all the biscuits didn't you?? Go on, tell me you did. Are you feeling better today? Think it was you who asked, but today Rads music was high camp Eurotrash - not sure exactly what, but it made me smile. I was under a lightbox of maple leaves today. Yesterday was ferns, which I preferred as a bit less sickly sweet.

Cakes, yeay for your appointment. Is that you free of them for another 6 months then? And wasn't it you who moaned at everyone for exercising?! I seem to remember a stern faced emoticon, so no sympathy whatsoever for the stretch and tone aches.

MAS, that's fantastic that your son's got through. NY at his age. That's something he'll never forget. You'll have to tell us more once he gets the details. And brilliant you made your breakthrough too. Sounds like an excellent week all round in your house.

Thinking about you today, Lixa. Really hope you and DP got some clear answers and hopefully some good news amidst it all too.

Waving to SR and all others. Better get on and do some work..

That's a highly positive thought, smee! Hadn't heard of that. See, there really is lots of stuff it could be, most of which would be fine (though admittedly unpleasant).

The waiting and not knowing really is one of the hardest parts.

briefly peeking in as I must clean and do meditation and am running horribly behind...glad appointment was ok Cakes - hope Lixa's was helpful.
Sorry to dash but love to all x

Cakes - I'm glad too that your check-up was OK.

RWU - I don't believe this - I was shopping in Warrington yesterday as well! I only live about 4 miles away. You and I seem to shadow each other shopping in Aber and W'ton at times! I really went for a train ticket to Glasgow but had to get a few bits while I was there. I didn't notice anyone who looked as though she'd been through a hedge in the mall Glad your picc is Ok - she must have been a bit shaken.

Sparkle - I stopped all caffeine intake in the early stages as I found I could sleep better then. And I agree with KK about the value of walking if you can manage it. It sounds hard but honestly, to some extent, after a while you can train your thoughts and stop yourself wandering into unknown scary areas. This helps with the principle of dealing with what you know rather than negative scenarios which might well not happen.

I've been in work today - there are now four of us in the same department who've been through BC and the treatment - its good for mutual support as you can imagine. And we're all doing fine.

DH and I are going to see my friend who has Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma for the w/e. She's feeling a lot better now and has very few sytmptoms so she's fine and just has to be monitored 4 times a year - no treatment required for now.

Hello all, Hope you are feeling a little better today Sparkle, - as everyone says, hang on in there, and I echo what Cakes said, - the nurses are always very kind and helpful, and know how stressful and bewildering it all is, they will look after you

Lixa, I hope your appointment went well today, and you were able to have a good chat with the oncologist. Thinking of you, - let us know how you are getting on when you feel up to it

Smee, of course I have eaten nearly all the biscuits. That is Why I am not a size ten They were from M and S and described as 'more chocolate than biscuit' - they are talking my language !

Camp eurotrash music sounds different if not appropriate.

Before I knew I was having this recent op. I had put my name down for a Breast Cancer care discussion meeting on 'intimacy and relationships.' So I went to that this afternoon. It was very good and helpful, not embarrasing, (although we were handed out free samples of lube to try in our own time )

Anyway it was probably total madness to go, as I am now completely knackered, aching all over and hobbling around moaning. When I arrived I saw a friend of mine there and she said 'what on earth are you doing here?, give me your bag and sit down at once' and she got me a cuppa so I was looked after

My lovely sister sent me a gorgeous potted Gardenia this morning, covered in buds, so will smell lovely when they all come out. Am feeling rather guiltily spoilt considering it was a relatively minor op. - not complaining though

Glad your check up went well cakes, interesting about the Tamox. affecting your back, a pain of course, but it's good to have the information.

SR, - it's good to have support at work and people who understand, sad they have all been through it of course, but nice that people will understand that you may have tired days every so often.

Pleased your friend is doing well

Hope you are not feeling too bruised today RWU, no more flinging yourself off large animals young lady!

Love to all.

Hi all! hope all the aches and pains are under control.

KK- you are doing too much woman, sit down and drink tea ie, develop a case of man-flu!

SR- i didn't know you were from round those parts! my step-daughter lives in Runcorn so i am up there a fair bit (coupled with the ikea/gemini retail trips i'm probably in cheshire more often than in Powys atm )

Sparkle- i do hope you got some answers, if you have any questions fire away- the ladies here have heard it all before and are very good at explaining thing

MAS- congrats to ds, i hope you get the official letter soon (are you going to frame it )

i braved the weather this afternoon and took ds1 (who was off school 'ill' but showed no signs of illness past 9.30am) and dd shopping for school shoes for the clan (very easy- all the boys are the same size) and found school-shoe crocs, which i am hoping are more sucessful than the clarks ones they started off october with they sound hideous, but the boys love crocs and these look quite smart! then we stopped off at the farm to check in with the ponies. Whereupon i found my horse having shed his rug (fixings had ripped off the rug)- stupid animal! so we took him in to dry off, and headed (with rich-farmer ) to Wynnstay to take the rug back and get a replacement, while we were there i was marvelling at the helly hansen attire (super warm, waterproof, lovely etc etc etc) by the time we got back to the farm i was wearing head to toe weatherproof gear (i dread to think how much it cost, i didn't pay ) Uncle says he can claim the cost back as workwear, and now i don't have an excuse to not go and deal with all the horses (his included- he wants me to take control of the yard and deal with them all in exchange for their board, keep and riding time- yey!)

So tomorrow i am going up there to groom, muck out, sort out the tack room to my own standards and bring back any tack to clean, and take a couple of the horses out for some exercise, i am really looking forward to it and so pleased that i have found someone who is letting me have all the fun of horses with none of the expense!

BTW- no apparent injuries from yesterday, i am walking permenantly like john wayne at the moment so i'm not sure whether it's general ('bloody nora i've been bumping around on a horse' soreness or hedge realeted ouchness!

lube KK ?? !
Hope muscles better today RWU
SR - good to hear that your friend is doing well.
No letter from school yet - I need proof ! they;'''ll want a deposit too..it's not until 2012 but they have to plan and of course prepare their repertoire.
Sparkle -wish I could send you some Mindfulness meditation - (it's the course I'm doing) it teaches you how to train your mind to be in the hear and now,rather than ahead of yourself. I am only just learning this,but can see how helpful it can be.

Lube??! Crikey. . Glad the biscuits have found a good home - ones that are more chocolate than biscuit sound like they should have my name on.

RWU I cannot believe you are looking forward to all that mucking out and polishing, it sounds completely exhausting. But the smart attire sound pretty good, how nice to have a rich (and - the crucial bit - generous) farmer in the family. at you walking legs akimbo. Hope it settles soon.

Smee - I am only out of the check-up loop for three months: where I live they check you every three months, and alternate the checks between surgeons and oncologist. Onc reckons it's way too much, but I call it good service. They are very switched on. my next mammogram is already booked (though it isn't due 'til March). You can't grumble, can you?

MAS, I hope that letter comes soon and I think smee is right, it will need framing or preserving in a vault for future generations in some way. Especially when ds is famous, it may be worth real money.

And i would like to be able to brag that I (almost) know someone famous, my only other claim to fame is that I was in a pop video once. Bit embarrassed to say whose, though . Oh, OK, it was Duran Duran. Needless to say I am not one of the glamorous ones.

SR - how helpful to have some fellow travellers at your work. Glad you are getting back in the swing.

Good vibes being sent from here to Lixa and Sparkle: Keep holding on and breathing, ladies.

I know! - to be fair, no one brought up any questions to which 'lube' might be the answer, but the woman running it had brought in samples for all eventualities, so she handed them out.

I also got given a BCC exercise DVD,which I'll try when I'm slightly more active. It's here on their website if any one else would like one. (bottom of the page)

I will also mention for our new ladies, Sparkle and Lixa, that Breast Cancer Care have a support helpline, which although I haven't used it myself, I have heard very good reports from others who have.

I hope you had a good meeting yesterday Lixa, and that you are feeling little calmer today Sparkle - do come on for a chat if you need someone to talk to, - there is usually one of us old lags around .

Cakes - Duran Duran - which video was it?, you have to tell, - were you dancing or singing?

My claim to fame is that I was in the film 'Valentino' directed by Ken Russell. (when I say 'in' I was an extra - I was about 17 and they asked at our school drama club for extras. You can see me for about half a milisecond during a cinema scene.)

MAS - hope the paperwork for NY arrives soon, but I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. How exciting for him, what a talented boy

RWU - this image comes to mind, or possible this one

The new gear sounds very swish, uncle is definitely coming up trumps.

Yesterday really wore me out and made my side very sore, which is rather frustrating. DH wants to go fossil hunting this weekend, - because the weather has been so rough fossils will have been brought out of the rocks. But I think he might have to go alone, not sure I can manage a long beach walk yet.

Love to all.

Perfect pics, KK - I was thinking along those lines myself

I was 'dancing'. It's a blink and you'd miss it appearance, in the Planet Earth video. It was made on a shoestring, I used to go to a club they all went to back before they were famous, and a load of us who dressed cool idiotically were invited to a special party night which turned out to be the filming of the video. I knew a couple of them a bit, vaguely, (they were not the prettier ones). Your appearance sounds about as long as mine, though the Ken Russell film has more street cred now than mine . From memory I was wearing a red and white boiler suit type thing, and had my hair up, sprayed silver. Classy.

Fossil hunting not a good idea - sounds like a lot of bending would be involved. My money's on the last of the biscuits instead.

sadly the pics are all too familiar lol! coupled with the unflatering 'overstuffed sausage' jodphurs, and michellin man stylee jacket i look totally ridiculous but i don't think the horses care

just puttting dd to sleep and leaving her with dh, then i'm off! i shall put the air ambulance on standby

Glad I donated last week! [grin}

Enjoy it. It's a nice day for it (here, at least -if you are quick)

Have fun RWU - it will be a blowy ride if you weather is anything like ours at the moment.

Thank you for all your kind thoughts and messages. I have been a bit frantic with organising things for my ds over the last few days, hospital appointments, school meetings etc. I am feeling a bit uncomfortable in both breasts at the moment, but could willingly accept that it is psychosymatic...... Will they do a biopsy then and there if they find something to biospy on the scans do you think? I presume I will be able to drive myself home afterwards, as I live a long way from the hospital. If they had stuck by their own two week maximum waiting period it would all be over by now, and I would not be in limbo like this.

It is so great to read all your funny and positive messages, you all amaze me.

Hiya Sparkle - in my experience they do the biopsy there and then, as they are trying to get you reassured or treated (whichever is required) as fast as is humanly possible. I am sorry you have had to wait longer than the guidelines already.

You will be able to drive yourself without difficulty. Most people find the biopsy painless: mine was not, but it was only sore very locally indeed.

it is as well to keep busy, but try to make some of the things you do fun as well as functional. if ever you deserved that, it's now.

As for the discomfort in both boobs - it could easily be psychosomatic: or it may be that you can't leave them alone and are prodding them more than they are used to. Ever since I had my diagnosis which was let side, I have been convinced that there is something wrong on the left side. I have had so many people feel it for me, so many times, in an effort to reassure me, that i imagine they think I get off on it. The onc adopts a resigned look every time I mention it. It is very easy to convince yourself there is a problem, but try not to worry, both sides will be very thoroughly examined.

I am glad our chattier posts entertain you: they entertain me too - life really does have a habit of going on. And that's a very good thing.

Try to have a good weekend, Sparkle. And all the rest of you too. I'll need to hear the best bits later!xx

Oh dear. I meant to say my diagnosis was LEFT side, imagined problem is on the RIGHT side. Doh! Hope that makes my comments a bit less opaque.

hello Sparkle - like Cakes, my biopsy was done then and there. You will be fine to drive, mine was a sharp pull/tug as the sample is taken, but over very quickly. It will be a little bruised for a couple of days afterwards, and you are advised to take things easy for the rest of the day when you get home.

It is a shame you have had to wait longer than the two week guideline. Have you been given any reason for that?

I hope you can get some time to try to relax this weekend, it's a question of getting through the time, when you are waiting for appointments. Will be thinking of you

When I chased the appointment I got a slightly stroppy response of "we haven't forgotten you", when they rang up with the appointment I got a very clear message of "we are offering you a cancellation spot there are no alternatives (like one not in middle of school run!) take it or else you won't get one for ages...." Maybe that is how it always works, but no they haven't explained why it will be three weeks, I guess they are just busy. Trying not to dwell on that all too much, it is irrelevant really, just slightly prolongs the limbo but I am sure if has been much worse for many people.

Thanks for the info about the biopsy, the pain or discomfort doesnt bother me too much, just want to know really. How long did you have to wait for biopsy results?

Don't be disheartened, the receptionists are dragons, it's their job. When you finally get in there, the people who matter will be lovely.

Can't quite remember about the results: they make you an appointment for about 10 days later, I think: and you get the results at that face to face appointment. I knew I was screwed when I walked into the room to find a consultant surgeon AND a breast care nurse and another nurse of some sort all waiting for me. It really is best to take someone along to that appointment with you if you can. They can help you take in what the doctors are saying, which is hard whichever way the diagnosis goes.

Even if you ask them to wait outside the consultation itself, they can be invaluable. If you can let them drive, so much the better. Good news or bad, you won't be at your most attentive, road safety wise

My results wait was exactly 2 weeks Sparkle (I think because my surgeon had weds. as his clinic day). Although he told me at my initial appointment, he was pretty certain I had cancer, so it was really confirmation for me.

Ignore rude receptionists, for some reason they don't seem to be chosen for their people skills. Medical people will be very understanding of your anxieties.

hi sparkle - so sorry it's seeming such a drawn out process for you. I had my biopsy on the day i had mammogram and ultrasound (not painful art all- afterwards no real bruising or discomfort) my results were 3 days later and dh came with me. I was rather surprised when he got up to come into the consulting room with me-it hadn't occurred to me that he would and then,as Cakes says-a bit surprised to see another consultant in the room (along with the breast care nurse from the biopsy day) I was expecting the radiologist who'd done the biopsy and this was the surgeon.

Hope we can reassure or at least take your mind off it