How would you feel if a DNA match told you that your great great grandfather might have had a child outside his marriage with a housemaid?

[PuppiesProzacProsecco]

Sorry for the ridiculously long title!

Basically, I've stumbled on someone on ancestry that might be the great great granddaughter of my mum's (previously unknown) father.

My grandmother was in service and became pregnant with my mum aged 18. The father was an older married man. The surname, timings, profession, place and age match up and my DNA match to this person indicates she's my half second cousin once removed or my third cousin. Which I think from a quick Google sounds broadly correct if her Great grandmother was my mum's half sister.

I've messaged her but no response as yet. I'm feeling quite anxious because of the "scandalous" aspect of the situation - my mum was born in 1935 so a different time. As far as I know, my grandmother never claimed she was raped but with power/class dynamics and the fact she was so young whilst he'd have been in his 50s, calling it "consensual" is a bit of a stretch.

Basically, has anyone else been in a situation like this where they've been told something like this? How did it make you feel?

I'd think, oh that's interesting and not think any more of it. Great great and once removed is so far distant, it's not really proper family.

I would find it vaguely interesting but no more. Hardly family.

I think that’s pretty par for the course with Ancestry. I’ve found out two situations in close family where parentage was not what everyone thought in the past generation or 2. It does depend on the age of the person though, I think older people who are closer to it are understandably more likely to be upset.

I'd love it! But I'm a family history nerd so... I must go check my messages, especially as I have a housemaid ancestor and don't know her baby's father... Good luck, I'm sure your contact will be happy for a new connection even if the situation isn't very savoury.

I’d be interested and would want to know how far you’ve gone back with the family tree and if I could add it to mine.

im in a situation where I’ve done a dna test and found links to a great, great, great (can’t remember how many greats) grandmother but no connections to her husband and I’d love to know more about the real father of her children.

there is a family rumor that my grandfather had a child with one of the maids. I think my grandmother started the rumor because she was awful.

I can’t use my dna to research the rumor because of an adoption in between the generations, but I am curious.

I'm not sure I agree it's not "proper family". It's 4 generations back from the person you've contacted which is reassuringly distant from the skeleton in the closet, but if previous generations of her family are still alive, it could mean someone hearing difficult information about their grandfather.

I wouldn’t care and I would be just hoping that the non-family member didn’t start stalking me down.
Dig deep enough and you would be related to many people.
And I really wouldn’t care what my Great Great Grandfather did as I wouldn’t consider even them anything to do with me unless they were still alive when I was born.

I've grown up with this knowledge that quite a famous person is my illegitimate great-great uncle. Rich family, lots of servants - I doubt my family is rare in that respect.

I wouldn’t think anything.. it’s just normal life.

This.

If I were interested in tracing family history, I'd be pleased in a "That's interesting. Another piece of the puzzle" type of way.

If a this person indicates she's my half second cousin once removed or my third cousin type therefore non - related person started trying to contact me to tell me some massively distant relative wanted me to know this, I'd think they were a bit of a loon.

Why on earth would you do that ?

@Cockerdileteef I agree - the man in question would also be my grandfather, so that's actually pretty close to "real family" for me. Though it's further back for this lady obviously.

Even if he's not my mum's father, her family connection to me through DNA and her connection to this surname confirm what my grandmother said about her baby's father. Which blows my mind!

The surname also pops up in multiple other DNA matches on mum's side so we can assume she was telling the truth about a lot of it.

My mum passed away in a couple of years ago but we did talk about DNA as a way of tracing her paternal father in the months before she died. I was afraid to open a can of worms for her so late in life but I do think she'd have been relieved to know her mother told the truth about where she came from.

I have a similar but less savoury situation in my family it was apparently rather common back in the day

Always good to have at least one black sheep in the family!

@CarpetKnees it's kind of the whole point of genealogy websites and DNA tests? But thanks for your contribution. You and @Mbhhhvff can sleep easy as I won't be "stalking" anyone 🙄

I've sent one message to someone I matched to on ancestry.com who has built a decent family tree (that connects to someone who could be my grandfather) and who has indicated they're happy to receive messages from DNA matches. Jeez. Had to double check I had actually posted in genealogy and not AIBU!

Agree that this sort of thing is much more common than you'd think with DNA kits and ancestry - it's totally fair to be feeling quite confused and mixed feelings about it. Have you listened to 'The Gift'? it's a really well made BBC podcast about exactly this topic, people who got surprising and sometimes unwelcome news from at home DNA tests and websites, sometimes involving immediate family and sometimes more distant. Lots of interesting stories but the common theme is that even if it doesn't directly affect your life most people do feel their family tree and DNA does say something relevant about your identity and history...

@NoctuaAthene thanks for your reply. Yes, I have listened to The Gift - I really enjoyed it.

I think for me, what makes this situation a bit upsetting is that I'm worried about causing distress to the legitimate relatives of this man. I've known pretty much all my life that my mum never knew her dad and that my grandmother was never married to him.

I've also known the older man/housemaid story since I was pretty young so there's no shock in any of it for me. And as others have said, it's a tale as old as time really. I'd just love to know if this was really him (there's a photo on there too and details of where he's buried) but would hate to cause upset to the family who (probably) never knew about my mum.

I guess what I'm really worried about is that my distant relative will want to shoot the messenger!

I have a similar situation, I found out that my aunt was my mother’s half sister not her full sibling, Aunt was born before my Grannie got married, from a different dad. My Mum’s dad is correct as I have dna matches on his side. My Grandmother was in service, and her sisters all helped her to keep the baby. I also wonder if she was raped, but hopefully it was a reckless fling.

My dad spent most of his retirement investigating his family tree.

he found multiple children born outside marriage and lots of shotgun marriages.

it’s normal to find this when you go looking.

He was a great grand parent, which is distant. I doubt that they would care.

My servant great-great step-grandmother had a child fathered by the adult son of her employer at the big house she worked at. I know this, because after they kicked her out to give birth in the workhouse, she gave the baby his first name, and his (uncommon French) surname as a middle name.

Not all that hard to piece together when the birth was registered in late 1881. I could see where she was living, her occupation, and the names of her employer and his family at the address on the census earlier that same year.

I would be not surprised at all given some of the holes in my family tree, and would welcome hearing from a new cousin. TBF I’m on the housemaid’s side of the family, so the distinguished family might prefer not to reach out!

Ive found stuff like that, even I suspect a step or half brother having a child with his sister/step sister who is a direct relation to me (1840s or so)

Attempted murders x 3

Workhouse and asylum, tons of it

I find it exciting, interesting, fascinating. Cant wait to unravel the information

Because thats what we do when researching our ancestry and genealogy.

signed

A Loon. (Mrs)

I wouldn't feel anxious. I'd find it mildly intriguing.