How would you feel if a DNA match told you that your great great grandfather might have had a child outside his marriage with a housemaid?

[PuppiesProzacProsecco]

Sorry for the ridiculously long title!

Basically, I've stumbled on someone on ancestry that might be the great great granddaughter of my mum's (previously unknown) father.

My grandmother was in service and became pregnant with my mum aged 18. The father was an older married man. The surname, timings, profession, place and age match up and my DNA match to this person indicates she's my half second cousin once removed or my third cousin. Which I think from a quick Google sounds broadly correct if her Great grandmother was my mum's half sister.

I've messaged her but no response as yet. I'm feeling quite anxious because of the "scandalous" aspect of the situation - my mum was born in 1935 so a different time. As far as I know, my grandmother never claimed she was raped but with power/class dynamics and the fact she was so young whilst he'd have been in his 50s, calling it "consensual" is a bit of a stretch.

Basically, has anyone else been in a situation like this where they've been told something like this? How did it make you feel?

I’ve been researching my tree for around 30 years. A good twent years spent researching someone I thought was a ggrandfather who after I introduced dna testing into my research definitely wasn’t!
Nothing like discovering a parent has a massive amount of dna in common with part of the world I’d not found a paper connection with to raise suspicions! I’ll never know for certain who he was but have narrowed down to one of 3 brothers.
anyone who could be hurt has died now and I believe didn’t actually know.
but it’s for this reason I’d never give anyone a dna test as a present. It’s not something you should do without thinking of the potential consequences, particularly for older generations.

Really? If you’d signed up to a DNA Ancestry website and had managed to research an extensive family tree, had indicated on your profile that you’re keen to hear from possible links, you’d be suspicious when someone contacted you?

I suspect you’re not the demographic the OP is reaching out to.

OP did you manage to confirm the link? I am fascinated by genealogy and have hit a few frustrating brick walls so always interested in other peoples quests to find out more. I would be really happy and interested if someone contacted me trying to clarify a similar link and more than happy to share any information.

This is so common. I've found a couple of examples in the research I've done.

In my husbands family history great great grandmother was a housekeeper. She had two children outside marriage before marrying. She gave one of them an usual middle name. It looked like a surname so I searched it.

One result. A married man with a servant who had an illegitimate child. Further investigation revealed he married twice. The second time to one of his servants he had children with. He then had another servant who he had children with as there was clearly a vacancy!

In the end I found he had children with five different women. Four of whom look to have been housemaids.

Single women who lived in house as maids were really vulnerable. It was impossible for them to say no to their master. If they refused advances they were likely to lose their job and not get a reference. This also met they lost their home. Their status made it impossible to be believed against the word of their masters. If they feel pregnant they were likely to be dismissed. So many risked their lives with backstreet abortions.

It's actually unusual for a master to look after a servant like the above example ultimately did. So as much as he seems an awful man, he probably was better than most.

That is great her sisters helped her keep it.

My 2 x great grandfather actually did this. He was as we later discovered engaged, and got married when the child was 9 months old. We don't think he ever paid her any money for the child. The maid was about 16. She had a lifetime of struggle whilst he inherited his father in law's farm. I am really angry about it and with him, even knowing it was Victorian selfish men. I feel he wanted to be respectable, and just took advantage and groomed her, then abandoned the girl to make sure his secrets didn't come out.

I'm on Ancestry for the very reason that I was born in a mother and baby home and I'm trying to trace relatives. I've had some limited success and found it very interesting, but oddly unsatisfying too.

I'm not sure why a situation from 90+ years ago is making you anxious @PuppiesProzacProsecco , particularly given you knew your grand-mother's story already, from what I can tell. Do you know what it is exactly that is making you worry?

Ditto with regard to a relative, who was transported to somewhere in Australia!

It's such a long time ago. You don't know your great great grandparents (I assume!). I would find it somewhat interesting but not perturbing.

A revelation involving people you actually know (parents, grandparents) would be different.

@EmiliaBassano that's so interesting - thank you for sharing. Similar thing here in that my grandmother's life (and that of all her children she went on to have - also outside of marriage) was terribly tainted by the pregnancy whilst he appears to have had a comfortable life and continued as a respected and upstanding member of the community.

@MargoLivebetter I guess just the whole idea of shooting the messenger? I mean, at best, I'm telling her that her great grandad was a cheater (with the help, no less) and at worst, that he was a predatory rapist.

In any case, I never got a reply so that's that I suppose. I do wish I'd done the DNA before my mother's death though as the results pretty much confirm what she was told but never knew for certain. I also now have a photo of the man I believe to be her father so I know she'd have liked to have seen that.

I guess the DNA tells the story for itself though. That’s the messenger really, not you.

Saying he was a predatory rapist is just an opinion. It is possible but no one will ever know.

@PuppiesProzacProseccoI wouldnt write it off yet. Does rhe message say 'read' or just 'delivered'?

‘she's my half second cousin once removed or my third cousin’

I’d honestly not have more than a momentary interest. Extremely distant relative; it would have no meaning or significance to me.

The key difference for the OP is that these events pertain to a grandmother she knew and loved, but like some have said, for the Ancestry match, it could be someone she knows very little about.

Is it her great-grandfather or great, great grandfather, OP? You said great, great in the OP but a more recent message was 'great.'

I knew three of my great-grandparents and I have actual memories of one.

If it's a great-grandparent and the match's parents are still alive (which sounds possible from a generation perspective) that is rather closer to home.

I suppose if I were the match, I would be curious what you were looking for from the conversation from the family. An apology? An acknowledgement that it was a horrible situation for your grandma? Maybe this is why you are nervous because you are worried about her treating this as a rather ancient, casual fact and it's still very personal for you.

Wouldn't give a fuck

Honestly, I think this happened a lot back then . I'd forget it .

It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest!

Nothing surprises me any more, after looking at my family tree over hundreds of years. All unmarried mothers were subject to stigma before about the 1970s/80s (?), even when it was consensual.