You know you're really Irish when...

[Gossipyfishwife]

...you tell the barman to put the change in the poor box.

Long stories are the only type of stories. You can't tell it in a few sentences.

Everyone always has a nickname

Black Paddy, Proddy Dave, Holy Dan, Pat the Horse....

Hes nothing but a toerag.

Jesus Mary and Holy St Joseph

If you fall and break your legs don't come running to me

Fuck off = you are surely joking (he crashed his car...Fuck off...no really he did)

Say nothing til you hear more

Scarlet for your ma for having you

If you are from Dublin all of this will make sense to you

I'm living abroad at the moment and ye are all making me homesick ye feckers!

And when your Mammy really lost her cool it wasnt just "Jesus Mary and Joseph" it was "Jesus,Mary and Holy Saint Joseph".

I felt like an "aul wan" recently when having a girls nite with neighbours (me being the only Paddy) One lady said her 10 year old and 8 year old slept from 7 til 7 every night. I said "Sweet Lamb of Jesus" (as you do) and they were still laughing 10 mins later!!! Why just why??

And here is a more general one

little bottles of holy water everywhere. Basically in anything that moves - car, pram, a little portable one for your pocket when you get the bus...

Aww love that Duck

Here's my offering It's actually hilarious.

If you're very, very hungry: "I'd eat the leg of the Lamb of God"

And I had to re educate myself to say Trainers instead of Runners!!!!

And my DC had to start saying "I'm ill" instead of "I'm sick"

Tell me this and tell me no more

you've got a new car? 'Health to drive it!'

New coat? 'Health to wear it!'

New (insert random item). 'Health to use it!'

Can be applied to anything really

"I'm so hungry I'd eat a farmers arse through a hedge".

My granny used to say 'Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the Saints'

HaveYouTriedARewardChart I had to bleach the image from my mind

My Dad could never pass a Catholic church without making the sign of the cross.

This used to scare the life out of my non Catholic friends when he used to drive them home.

They thought the brakes were going to fail or something

Everyone referring to the oldest man in the family as "Himself" ....being patted on the head (as a grown up) by the bishop...

Squoosh that 80s one is brilliant, the car one especially including standing up in the middle. How any of us survived.....

I'm in NI and told DD I was going down the street for messages, obviously going into town for shopping. She looked at me blankly.
My English nephew cracks up when I say buns instead of cakes. My brother still calls Skittles wee skitters.

New coat? "Well wear"

And yy to fecken ie: bloody cat was scratching the chair again, so I fecked her out the door

You know you live in rural Ireland if you do the finger lift and nod gesture to all passing cars on the road and it's remarked upon in the pub if you don't. "Jaysus I saw Mary this morning, didn't even give me a nod, she'd a face on her like a monkeys arse an all!"

"He's a cute whore" means he knows how to get money for nothing. Not a compliment.