Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

[florentina1]

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

Garden gnomes
Marigolds
Ivy

Bastard agapanthus. But because someone gave me a huge pot of it & it never, ever flowered.

Also love how many other people hate yellow and orange flowers. My family think I'm wonky because of it. I will put up with red but its not great either.

Absolutely. Both have been the bane of my life. I planted a catmint ages ago and the bastard has taken over not just the bed it was planted in but also through the patio stones and onto another bed altogether. The previous years nasturtium has dropped about a billion seeds and seems to be growing everywhere.

Im also fighting a battle with the neighbours bamboo which will not duck off.

Wild honeysuckle. I took cuttings from the front garden where it seemed pretty contained, & suddenly it's everywhere in the back garden, growing over nice shrubs & killing them. Absolute bastard, but on some level I love it because it grows so well & smells heavenly.

I third the sycamore seedlings, and raise you goat willow! And Himalyan balsaam. I quite like Japanese anemones, as they are one of the few things to flourish in a dry north-facing bed. Mexican daisies aka fleabane gets everywhere but it is pretty.

Bastard geraniums here too, they stink 🤢

Totally with you on this bastard! And ox-eye daisies. Been pulling them up for years after they flowered once!

Another vote for bastard geraniums - love the smell hate the look!

I love sweet peas though which were my exes' bastard flower ...

Decking. Looks great, but try walking on it when wet or during winter. I Look like bambino and nearly broke my bloody neck

BAMBI

Agapanthus
Hydrangeas
Azaleas

What is the garden of our new house filled with? All those things, and pretty much only those things. And daffodils. I am waiting till the end of Autumn to see what else comes up and then I am removing everything so I can start again.

I came on this thread to type exactly that!

I have hideous memories of childhood with a mother who had several and made us water them. Obsessively. Every fucking day. While slowly counting to 100 for each bloody plant. Even when it was already pissing down with rain!!!

No hydrangea will ever be welcome on my property...

Bastarding red flowers, of any sort. Especially red tulips,the absolute bastard flower of the devil.I have no trauma involving red flowers as far as I'm aware but they really give me the heebie jeebies on a kin to having to look at a clown. Shudder!

Bastard Leylandii!

We had several of the fuckers with a TPO 🤬

Murdering bastards killed virtually everything else, including the lawn and two mature deciduous trees.

Nobody has mentioned Pampas grass?!

It's an absolute pig to dig up.

Chives.

DH loves them. Our amazing gardeners love them. The bees and hedgehogs love them.

they seed everywhere. In every crack.

Hot dry soil will damage Clematis, so keep moist in the drier months. Have a go with the varieties that do well in shade and partial or dappled sunlight, as there’s less chance of losing them to overheated soil. There’s also something called Clematis Wilt. It’s a fungus that gets in if the plant is damaged along the stem. As soon as you see a section of the plant wilting, cut it back to healthy growth and destroy the part you cut off to avoid infecting the whole plant. Clematis with the larger flowers, like passionflower, are more susceptible to Wilt, so go for the smaller flowering varieties.

Busy Bastard Lizzies, dropping leaves and flowers everywhere.

Lobelia and alysum. Red salvias. Ageratums. Tagetes and African marigolds. Just about anything you'd find in a municipal flowerbed.

I do like violas and pansies for their little faces, also petunias for the scent.

Oh this x 1000! my ex-neighbour planted bamboo in the ground and of course it totally invaded my back yard, it has been hellish. Tiny terraced houses with minuscule back yards that are in their own way lovely. I have had to pay close to £2k to have the whole lot dug up and all new fencing put up. To my utter horror I have seen some small bamboo shoots emerging that I need to take action against. Basically my yard is lots of tubs that I move around to ring the changes, all white solar lights draped around the high fence and an Ikea click fit patio. I have done it to suit the very small space, Bamboo in a tub would be fine but what this guy did all but ruined my outdoor space and cost me a small fortune. Any tips for removing bamboo will be gratefully received.

Any tips for removing bamboo will be gratefully received.

Panda?

We had a patch of Pampas when we moved into our present house. DH thought he’d got it all, but it kept regrowing. It’s taken us four years to finally get rid of it.

my next door neighbour has 6 silver birch trees in her back garden and one in the front and I would go as far as to say they are not bastards, they are absolute cunts of the tree world, shedding pretty much all year catkins, sap, and smelling bugs that aim for my hair and they trigger my hayfever, but, oh no, arse face thinks they purify the air of pollution. Twats.

Phwhahahaha !! Coffee just came out my nose !!!

I reckon it's pure social class snobbery. Down with suburban lower-middle- class plants. "Pansies", my arse. Oh no, cos pansies like arses. Fuchsia...off.