Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

[florentina1]

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

The cat who used to attack my toddler. EVERY time we went out it was there (was a stray we think ) but if we opened the door it was in the garden and would go for dd and sprayed all over her toys.

Got rid of it in the end

not sure it will work, but - to remove the stump of an oak, my ex-colleague drilled into the heart of the stump and filled it with diesel. It kills the roots.
Obvs, don't just pour diesel into your border, but if you can find some roots, it might be worth being careful with a thin drill bit and some straws IYSWIM?

Bastard Ivy planted by a neighbour in their garden but now it's all over mine ffs.
Also that horrible thick reedy grass type stuff that's in thick clumps (no idea what it's called but it does flower briefly) bloody hate it and can't get rid of it.

Also, bastard squirrels and bastard rabbits.

The bastard squirrels dig up & eat the tulip bulbs.

Any tulip plants that make it then get eaten by the rabbits as soon as their tender leaves appear. Even ones in pots.

Gnomes. I hate them - cheap, plastic and very tacky.

Laurel bushes - I've tried to control two of those bastards in two separate gardens and I don't ever want to see one of those miserable dusty bastards again.

Gravel. We moved into a house where they had graveled over half the garden. It took a whole year to get rid of it. They had put a really cheap membrane underneath and it had decayed so much.

One of my neighbours has a tree (possibly wild cherry) that bloody self-seeds everywhere and grows like a rocket. If I could ban the bastard thing from not just my garden but every garden in the area that would work for me.

I like fuchsias though, I have a few in my front garden. They make the bees happy which makes me happy, I love hear the bush buzzing.

I’ve a load of both, rhe squirrels I thought were bad, but good god the amount of rabbits is outrageous. We had friends over at Easter and one of rhe guys stepped outside when it was dark and there was at least 12 of them sitting at the bottom of the front door steps. Just sitting there looking at each other. Clearly working out who to shag next.

Lavender - can't stand the smell. Also - previous owners of this house had planted a yukka plant. Not really the nicest thing to look at. Took me 1/2 hour and I got it out - was bloody stubborn though. Bastard roots were very strong...andcthegbplanyed wild garlic everywhere, so still finding that every now and then.

Gotcha. 😉

Bastard wisteria. We have 2 - they're gorgeous but my god they're like a hostile alien invading nearby planet and trying to eradicate everything in their way.

That just makes me feel worse about the fact that mine has grown less than a foot in 15 years.

For marigolds get a pet rabbit . I remember planting loads many years ago, garden was a lovely sea of yellowy gold marigolds. let the rabbits out for a bit of exercise and went indoors. Came out a couple of hours later and every bloody marigold had been eaten! 🤣

BASTARD buddleia with it's ugly legginess and its taking over anything it goes near and it's only looking nice for 2 weeks out of a year.

Its only upside is that the bees love it, which is why I've not chopped the one remaining one we've got down yet... but it's going soon, and I've planted a shitload of bee-friendly wildflowers as an apology.

Cordyline. Biggest bastard I've ever known.

Our new neighbours (side on-at the back) have one growing up the corner.
They were quite shocked last summer to find some rather horny woodpigeons eyeing it up as a shag-pad.
They've half-heartedly chopped some of it back, but it's already showing new growth, and there are soooo many woodpigeons around...🐣

I love fuschia. It’s bastard begonias for me - hate them.

I'd swap in a heartbeat, @MissLucyEyelesbarrow! Mine look like this!

Celandine are swine too, they have little bulbils that crumble off and grow as well as seeds. The bastards!

I actually planted a Pheasant Berry or Himalayan honeysuckle, officially known as bastarding Leycesteria formosa, thinking it was a beautiful, well-behaved shrub and realised too late that NO, it bloody bastarding seeds EVERYWHERE. I hastily dug it up but I think I'll have a few seasons of finding seedlings in my and NDN's garden. What is giving me the fear is the thought that it made it to other neighbouring gardens that I don't have any jurisdiction over, and is quietly planning to make a Pheasant Berry forest all around the North West. Aaaaargh!

Now I've googled and discovered it's considered a noxious invading weed in other countries. I would not have bought it if I'd known that first...

Show off 😉

Hostas. Most broad-leaved plants to be honest but especially Hostas. I shudder at the sight of them.

Beyond that geraniums - my dad planted them in their hundreds and although we had a lot of similar tastes we parted ways there.

How could I forget bastard foxes. I used to love them. But that was before.

The London fox situation is now out of hand.

They upend our dustbins, shit on our vegetables, dig holes in our lawns, mate loudly all night, and we can’t shoot’em as they aren’t vermin.

Checking in so I can find some bastard plants to take over spaces in my garden so I don't have to weed so much..

✊🏻

Millions of the bastards.