Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

[florentina1]

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

I also despise ivy. It grows between the fence panels and the concrete posts, which warps them and reduces the life span.

Cotoneasters and passion flowers, actually belonged to a neighbour but decided to try marching into my garden... I am not sodding Poland, do you hear... and I have my secateurs primed!

Bastard bamboo, I called it that before I came across this thread, spreads like wildflower, feel like setting my garden ablaze!

I also talk about bastard lupins, but that is because I love them and have bought many over the years, and none have survived the slugs. They thrive like weeds along the railway banks, so why can't they live in my garden?

A hawthorn bush that will not die no matter what!

Next doors ivy and grape vine which can grow over a metre into my garden over the wall. Have to chop it back 3 times a year! Just to keep in check.

https://www.gardenersworld.com/plants/lysimachia-ciliata-firecracker/

These pricks. Ugly and totally take over. They rocked up in my beds uninvited.

Echoing the bastardness of agapanthus. Hate the bastard stuff smothering everything else. Wish my lupins lasted long enough to be worthy of anyone's hate.

Begonias, marigolds and pansies. Bleurgh.

What is it with Gladioli? They should look exotic but instead they just feel cheap and nasty.
If you're thinking of planting Campanula for groundcover just fucking don't. It's as bad as Jerusalem artichokes.

BASTARD WEEDS

I was waiting for someone to say gnomes! Completely agree, and I’d add animal statues, little bridges, faux wells, windmills.

We had an entire hedge of the over the top bright pink suburban hell creatures in our last house - I tried every fucking way to kill the bastard things for over a decade - they survived it ALL. We moved house and the buggers smirked on our way out.

The bastard tomatoes took over the greenhouse last year when I turned my back for half an hour.

Are we also allowed to include weeds of particular arseholeness? Because if so I would like to nominate Creeping Buttercup.

Sweet peas?!?! You can't grow them??😱

I saved some pods from ours last autumn. DH found them languishing in the shed about 3 weeks ago...and sprinkled them in a couple of pots of compost. Stuck them in the conservatory and now we've 30+ about 4" high with no plan of where to shove them... although I have one idea
I'll ask DH when he wakes from his "nap" where he wants them to go, as they're getting a bit big to separate now.🤦‍♀️

Hyacinths including muscari are not welcome. Spanish bluebells also despised, but not quite to the point of being bothered to pull them out.

I am shocked that nobody appears to have mentioned BASTARD HORSETAIL yet. I have it in the front yard, and so if I use tools there I religiously clean them before they are taken to the back. I almost considered a front yard set of tools to further ensure that cross contamination was minimised.

At least it's relatively easy to pull out. Unlike bastard dandelions.

I am with you on the mare's tail. I have it at the bottom of my garden and am on a mission to try and get rid of it

I am clearly the only person in the world who wants her bamboo to grow faster and harder and instead it's being excessively polite! I planted it in a narrow sort of raised bed with stone all round near the border with the neighbours for a bit more privacy (the terrain is very steep and their giant washing line is distractingly visible, because part of their garden is far higher than ours), where its world domination ambitions would be curtailed, but it's not even trying!

Palms. They look really silly on a windswept Irish urban hillside, were clearly the cool tree of choice in this neck of the woods decades ago, as almost every garden has a few giant specimens.

Bastard firethorn. Nothing needs to be that bloody sharp. Thanks, twat XH - who also actually chose to ‘plant’ ivy that I am now in a fight to the death with

Me too, hate the smell. We had them at school eeeek 😬

I feel your pain.

Bastard fox! we have one too. It's been digging up all my plants for yrs, and last month dug all the newly re planted bulbs. Snapped all the heads of the nicely blooming tulips.

Horseradish. You think you've dug it all up but you haven't and now there's 9 million of them.

I very stupidly planted anemones a few years ago, I will never be able to get rid of them.

We inherited Spanish bluebells with the house, I spend a lot of effort trying to dig them out of the beds where they are not wanted.

I love my agapanthus and have had huge pleasure from them over the years. I planted them in two large pots so they stay put.