Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

[florentina1]

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

Oh I like some begonias, I have this one , glowing embers, it’s lovely.

im not a fan of geraniums and marigolds though. There is something a bit “your nans garden in the seventies” about them. Plus I’ve a mate who works in a supermarket and she keeps bringing me them when they go on sale, I’ve not the heart to tell her I’d rather she didn’t.

I hate fuschias, not for any crime they’ve committed but I’d an evil step mother and it was her fave, so I won’t have anything that reminds me of that witch.

WickedSerious I think they’re supposed to like it but I’ve never seen them near it tbh. I have planted a load of lavender which I love and they tend to buzz around that instead.

the thing about bastard nasturtiums is bastard black fly. No it doesn’t protect your other pants from it, instead it attracts it into your garden from a million mile radius

It looks very similar to something that popped up in our garden a couple of years ago,the bees are all over it.

Bastard bindweed that keeps coming up in the garden. It'll be there long after the apocalypse, keeping the cockroaches company.
Also bastard dahlias. Hate them and they're always ponced out in gardening programmes and in exhibitions.

Ivy.

need I say more?

Alkanet is an absolute bastard to get rid of, we had a small patch that kept coming back but I think it’s finally gone now.

Spanish Bastard Bluebells (inherited but will not FTFO).

Lupins because they grow back every year and I get hopeful then they get destroyed by slugs and/or aphids.

I love my foxgloves and ceanothus though!

My agapanthus seem quite happy to stay in their own clumps, I always thought they grew best in pots so I’m surprise to hear it can be a spreader.

Dogs 😂

Also pear trees. They carry a fungus that alternates between pears and junipers, and I have several juniper bonsai trees. I do not want them catching anything.

Russian vice vine.

Fake grass!! And fuck off with your, "Oh, but ours looks really natural." NO, IT DOESN'T! It looks like cheap carpet.

Marigolds.
Purpley blue and pink hydrangeas. I like the cream white/green ones but those other ones always seem to grow in the front gardens of elderly people who have had rails by the front door and concrete paths.

Bamboo. Oh dear God - we have loads of the bloody stuff. I attack every shoot I see each May/June but turn your back for a nano-second and they're 20 feet high. They're easy to get out when they're new but God help you when the stems have hardened.

@MidlandCatGirl look out for those hairs on the stems of green alkanet, they get under your skin and can give you a reaction

You'd hate my bastard garden then.

Red geraniums, fuschias, bamboo (in a huge pot, I'm not stupid) and nasturtiums.

Every part of a nasturtium is edible btw, I put the seed heads in brine in the autumn as 'poor man's capers.'

Fuschia flowers are edible too, although not much flavour...

Slate. Green and purple slate chippings. Just why? They look about as unnatural as it is possible to get in a suburban garden.

Bastard weeds , I have too many in my garden 😡

Currently dealing with bastard knotweed (not the Japanese kind). It's a massive pain in the arse and it's going to take YEARS to get rid of (unless we hire a digger, we haven't ruled this out but y'know..... funds 🙄). To answer the actual question.... budlia from the amount of hours I've spent in a previous property hacking the things down and hydrangea, from a summer when I was 15 potting the bastards up at a garden centre 😮‍💨

midlifecrash yes, I wore my super thick gardening gloves but even then one of the stems somehow brushed my wrist and made it slightly itchy.

Begonias and grass in brown or black tones that look like you've killed it already.

This is a really funny thread. Who knew that gardeners were so witty and eloquent in their hatred! Love it!
I have bamboo that I love and want to spread in just one direction ( feels I will be disappointed!) and a large border planted solely with hydrangea. Plagued with sycamore seedlings and bastarding creeping buttercups though.

I saw some ornamental horsetail in a garden centre the other day.

Hahahahaha. Nope.

Every day I pluck at least forty sycamore seedlings from our path and borders.

Plastic grass and plastic plants. All actual plants are great apart from bindweed which can be fired into space. But then TBH even the flowers on that are pretty.

Just throw a few native wildflower seeds among them, put up a bug house, have a pond in a bucket and call it a wildlife garden.

God, I'd love more agapanthus and less lawn.

Yes to this, bastards.

You've seen my NDN's garden then?