What are you doing to support your lacking-in-direction, lackadaisical 15/16 year old for post GSCE choices?

[OwlBeGone]

Getting quite worried! Ds is 15, not hugely academic, predicted mostly 5s at GSCE. He doesn't want to go to uni & "doesn't want another 2 years in a classroom". He's even talking about the Armed Forces (which for him, I believe, is just a 'last resort' thing because he's struggling to know what to do with himself). He's not particularly practical so I don't think a trade would work either. As awful as this sounds, his dad and I are a bit at a loss because we both went to uni and his sister is there now. He's not really talking to us about what he even THINKS he wants to do, and it feels like he's disengaged. We are going to take him to various open days and will look at A levels he might want to do, as well as T levels and Btechs. It's just all quite confusing! Especially when you've got a son who seems a bit adrift himself. Any advice?

So parents’ night went as expected - FFS. I honestly don’t know where we go from here. His elder brother and sister got through their Highers, went to Uni and got their Masters - but he’s just refusing to acknowledge that he’s not where he needs to be, refusing to put the work in and refusing to discuss college or a trade as an alternative. I’m at a complete loss.

Commiserations SirChenjin. It's really bloody hard. Had a similar depressing episode with ds tonight when trying to make suggestions of courses/options, every single thing was met with "nope". Also suggested an apprenticeship - "nope". He showed me (after I asked him) the email he got back about the volunteering opportunity and halfway through reading it out, said "oh I can't be bothered reading more of this" 😐.

I'm having to take a step back for my own sanity now.

Taking my mum hat off and putting my work hat on, I work with lots of young people on apprenticeships. All of them are lovely, hardworking , and doing brilliantly. All of them have to do a lot of coursework while working and without their mum hassling them to do it, and not only do they do it but when they have finished ask me what they should do next! Some of them are having to do functional skills alongside, but a majority got all their GCSES ( One all 9's) Some went on to A Levels and decided they weren't for them, a couple went to University and decided it wasn't for them, one was so complete burnt out ( high achiever) they dropped out completely and went full time at their Saturday job in Tescos for a couple of years before going back into education. They are all working and doing well just a few years later, and all will come out with the same qualification. I desperately want my DS to do well because it does make it easier, but GCSE's aren't the end of the world.

I’d love it if DS showed an interest in an apprenticeship - I think he’d be more suited to something practical with support to gain qualifications that would lead to a productive career. Sadly he’s refusing to discuss an alternative option - trade, college, apprenticeship or the forces are all met with a “no”. He’s decided he wants to go to university for some reason but isn’t prepared to work for his Highers and is refusing to acknowledge he’s nowhere near the level he needs to be working at.

Does he play football?

Yes, an avid football player

Maybe he needs a shock? So hopefully his mock results but even if he doesn't do well enough in his actual GCSE it may be a kick up the bum he needs.

No GCSEs here.

Possibly - he did better in his Nat 5s than he did in his prelims, but they are quite blase about them as they all seem quite confident that the mocks are harder than the actual exams. I suspect he will spend S6 repeating his Highers - I'm just hoping that extra year will see some maturity and a bit more of a focus on his future.

Well DS has his mocks next week so we will see how he gets on. He is doing revision with lots and lots of support from DH and I and under duress. Anyone need to know anything about Weimar Republic and Nazi Germany I’m your gal! 😬

That's great he's revising though and that he'll consent to support from you and your DH - I can't even get DS to do that.

If he's predicted mostly 5s then he can look at T level courses which are the equivalent of 3 A levels.

Take him to a few college open days. My dd is the same, so I've said look for something take enjoys doing, go for a course that will give her enough points to go to uni if that's what she wants after 2/3 years. She's now looking at an animal management course which will be 1 day at collage and 2 days on a farm. Will also need some voluntary work but will give her enough points for a uni course or a decent start to finding a job.

I’ve met my people here, although it’s obviously not a club that anyone wants to be with. My mum friends all have 15/16 year olds who are focussed, working hard and we couldn’t be more opposite. He’s just done his nicks and I don’t think he revised at all, and his predicted grades are 3-5. He had to be dragged to sixth form open evening and couldn’t wait to leave, and hasn’t looked at any of the sixth form or college courses print outs that I did for him. I think he is in denial. It can be a very isolating place when you compare your child to the high achievers and glad I’ve found this thread.

Yes I'm recognising the "can't be arsed with open days" @Choirsinger7 it was hard to get ds to go too. The last one he went to I had to sit out and let dh take him because I couldn't stand to witness his lack of interest again!

Agree also with the fact they are in denial. It's definitely a head in the sand thing. I know the accepted wisdom is to let them fail or they don't learn etc etc but how far do you let them fall!? I don't feel that's an option here.

Do took an extra year to get to uni than most of his peers.At the time it was a big deal, retaking a year etc, but looking back he needed that year to mature and actually a year isn’t a great deal in someone’s lifetime/career.

Do step back for your own sanity. Taking the pressure off helped us and him. And actually he’s doing really well under his own steam now. I think had we kept the pressure up, we wouldn’t be where we are now. It’s hard to keep quiet, but they have to want it for themselves.

Mine is at sixth form now but we literally dragged him through GCSEs and he thankfully got his predicted 4s and 5s. (He could have done better if he had worked smarter)
Sixth form not working out, he may stick it out, he may try college next year. Unsure about what he wants to do.
The point I would make is that I would not just leave them to fail GCSEs, it's too complicated to resit them these days. I think some of the accepted wisdom harks back to a time when it was easier.
Now I am trying to back off and leave him to "fail" at sixth form if that is what happens as he can pick himself and go a different way next year if he wants. (It is still super stressful though).

And this.
I get together with friends we've known since kids were babies and all the talk is how ridiculously successful and well adjusted they all are.
"I've told her it's ok if she doesn't get all 9s" "I've told him it's ok to take a break from revision now and then" "I've told him he can't do county level football, swimming and cello while doing 14 GCSEs subjects, but will he listen?"
Anyway, they all did great in their GCSEs and I am pleased for them but occasionally it's good to know that there are kids like DS out there (and they usually turn out ok in the end).

Glad you came back.

You've spoken about what he doesn't like/isn't interested in/isn't good at, but what does he love? That may spark some ideas from someone on here.

@Catopia the trouble is, he's not a "I love this!" kind of personality. I promise I'm not just being negative. He has a more recent interest in films and TV series, is working his way through the "classics" but when we've looked at Film Studies A levels or a btech in creative media practice, these have both been "nope" as well. That's why I'm encouraging him to try this volunteering which would give him a taste of an outdoors sort of job, as he has some interest in Geography (environmental engineer is another career we've looked at and the different routes into it).

Tricky.... the volunteering is a good idea, but ensure the time of year doesn't put him off/is properly dressed for it. Standing around in a nature reserve in 2'C and pouring rain is seeing the job at its worst. Where in the country do you live, if you don't mind me asking?

Yes I hear you re: the volunteering 😅

This is just the time of year they offer this program to young people - starts in January! Good point re: clothing though some of it is indoors.

We're in West Yorkshire @Catopia

Ok. I don't think YWT has the same sort of citizen science programmes as ours does, but they do have a voluntary traineeship for conservation jobs if he does like it. Looks like they are 3 days per week so could probably do alongside a qualification of some sort - Volunteer| YWT

@OwlBeGone that sounds just like my DS! There’s nothing he really ‘loves’ to focus on for a career (he is also working his way through classic tv series, but not interested in doing media).

We’re currently looking at BTEC science as an option. I am not sure he’ll get the grade for A Levels.

Dragged him round 2 open days so far, very reluctantly.

Says he wants to go to 6th Form but is not willing to put in any revision time (he does attend the school organised study sessions to be fair, but does nothing at home).

I also thought about some sort of environmental science type course as he likes nature, but there is nothing near to us (we are city based).

I also think he is very ‘head in the sand’ about it all. He says he can’t imagine not being at secondary school and doesn’t like talking about it. Very different to my DD.

Really getting worried now. DS has prelims in a few weeks - he's had a couple of pre prelim tests and has failed each one. We can't have a conversation with him about it as he just storms off or refuses to discuss it - tells us he's only 16 (17 in 4 months) and how can he be expected to know what he wants to do. Plus "it'll be fine" apparently. If he came to us and said 'school is not for me, I'm thinking of joining the forces/doing an apprenticeship/going to college/whatever' I'd be much happier and we could start to move forward, but as it is he's just coasting with little hope of passing his exams and no direction whatsoever.

I feel for you, it really is tough.
Similar here except that as I mentioned above, he did squeak through GCSEs with 4s and 5s so in a decent position going forward - if he had any idea what he wanted to do!
He's going through the motions of sixth form but I think we will try to see if college is a better fit for him next September.
Are school any help at all? Ours wasn't/isn't, they seem to only help the ones who already have direction and plans.

This could be my ds - currently at sixth form doing b tech. Against university as no intention of getting into debt, said it would be boring and a waste of time. He thinks sixth form is boring enough. He is academicly bright but refuses to do more than bare minimum. Lovely lad, Saturday job, cadet. Learns languages in secret. Follows politics in secret. So great at the dinner table. Nit so much at parents evenings.

No idea what he wants to do, doesn't want to talk about it, hoping he is just keeping it secret from us as part of growing up and not liking to be told what to do. Ie refused to do languages at school. Prefers to do it himself.

It's a nightmare, for us. He is uber chilled and cheerful.