What are you doing to support your lacking-in-direction, lackadaisical 15/16 year old for post GSCE choices?

[OwlBeGone]

Getting quite worried! Ds is 15, not hugely academic, predicted mostly 5s at GSCE. He doesn't want to go to uni & "doesn't want another 2 years in a classroom". He's even talking about the Armed Forces (which for him, I believe, is just a 'last resort' thing because he's struggling to know what to do with himself). He's not particularly practical so I don't think a trade would work either. As awful as this sounds, his dad and I are a bit at a loss because we both went to uni and his sister is there now. He's not really talking to us about what he even THINKS he wants to do, and it feels like he's disengaged. We are going to take him to various open days and will look at A levels he might want to do, as well as T levels and Btechs. It's just all quite confusing! Especially when you've got a son who seems a bit adrift himself. Any advice?

Joining this thread as I feel I have found my people!

DS is 14 and in Y10, so we have a little time to go yet. We don't have any predicted grades yet obviously but are keeping an eye on things. We will be happy if he gets 5 grade 4/5s tbh - just to get where he needs to be.

DH did A levels and went to Uni - I started A Levels and struggled so dropped out after the first year and started work. In both cases it was the making of us.

So we are giving both of our viewpoints, I honestly think that BTec at 16 then apprenticeship at 18 is the way forward for him, DH wants him to seriously consider A Levels.

DS - he hasn't got a clue and is laid back about everything in life, as a PP said I expected to be guiding him - we have time i hope to get to that position

I'd look far and wide for T-Levels/BTECs. Different colleges run different subjects.
Also think about his skills and interests and therefore what might suit.

My DD1 liked languages, was good conversing with people on a superficial level, liked history and going places. So she picked Travel & Tourism which worked out better thn anything else would have done.

Thank you all for sharing your concerns. I am sailing in the same boat for my DS. Completely empathise with you all. No motivation, although there is obsession for a subject but it is difficult for DS to focus/ concentrate for longer span which doesn't help to turn obsession into practice/ career !! I feel DS is almost 2 years behind his age!! 🤞

At present Ds is doing Level 2 Btec in college as suggested by TeenDivided and some other mums on a different thread. 10 days of anxiety and missing his school, then checked with other friends on social media and found many were moving so Ds was happy. Now seems to be settled in college, made some new friends and likes his Btec teachers. Seems to be enjoying his course but still bit early to predict😞

Hope it goes well. A third year in college will give maturing time.

Thank you. Yes hope so.

I agree I think some kids are just emotionally too young to make decisions like this. My DS is 15 but he is significantly physically smaller than his peers, and looks less like a teenager than them. The problem is, he is motivated and works really hard but doesn't seem to be getting anywhere fast. He sits down diligently to do his homework and also does an extra hour of revision but he is finding it so hard. He came back from school today and said he didn't think he had it in him to do A Levels because he didn't want to go through the stress of doing GCSE's again. There is a college course that he would love to do, but he is a bit scared of going to college, because he thinks it will be full of rough kids. He needs to go to University to do what he wants to do and I was thinking if he did the Diploma he wants to do, he would be more likely to get high grades in that than if he scraped the grades for A Levels. The diploma is related to the course he wants to do at University, but I was worried that would restrict him at the age of 18 to go into a particular field.

I have a yr10 in this position. She is likely to get 4's and 5's.
She is fiercely independent (pda) and has social anxiety.

Anything I suggest is either a flat 'no' or a 'meh'.
The only thing that has piqued her interest is a Forensics T level, but I can't help but think that it's unlikely to lead to a forensics career. Surely she'd need to either join the Police (unlikely) or have a scientific degree.

Dh and I met at uni. We both love learning, both learn lots through our differing careers. We have 2 kids that find learning triggers anxiety, and 1 that craves it. It's quite baffling.

My DS2 was similar. He had no idea what he wanted to do at 15. He took the same Level 3 BTEC DS1 had done, just because he really didn't own what else to do. When he finished that he went full time at the job he'd been doing part time, and after a year finally found an apprenticeship he seems happy in. He now grumbles that he didn't start on this path when he was 16, as though we somehow stoped him. But at that age he had no idea what he wanted to do!!!

Nice to know finally your DS found what he liked. It creates hope! It's funny how they want to blame parents. I couldn't stop laughing at your last sentence.

Would he consider an applied science BTEC? This would be accessible with say, 4s and 5s, and can be a great option.

I teach this (among other things) and we have students go on to a range of great options at uni, as well as apprenticeships and straight into work in lab based careers.

If he's hard working, a BTEC will really suit, as he will likely do well on assignments, and that can compensate if he struggles in exams. Also, we sit one exam at a time (Jan, June, Jan, June) which takes the pressure off a bit!

What are the consequences of these DC doing nothing? I know they are meant to study until 18 but they get food, heat and a home without doing much at all. I was driven by money (in the last century) and no Dc was expected to hang around costing parents money in the generation before that. So expectations have changed. They will all be well cared for with little effort on their part.

Im not surprised Dc don’t like these strict uniform schools. Would we, as adults, like it? They suit some but over punish others. Colleges should have a better atmosphere. I would suggest an honest conversation on future earnings though. Don’t fund driving lessons, a car, holidays and fun unless there’s a plan for study and work. Be clear about their future and your expectations.

Why are they mostly sons? A few DDs mentioned but the boys are so immature. As I’ve observed in my wider family. I’ve noticed they get an easy ride. Excuses made for poor behaviour. Lower expectations than placed on the girls. All seem to have the gift of the gab (arguing black is white) but think everything will fall into their lap with no effort. Addicted to gaming too so don’t really know much about anything. Most of this is avoidable. When I speak to an intelligent, well educated and capable young man I wonder how they managed it.

Of course they will be well cared for - they are our children. I saw my fellow pupils in the 80s struggling with the same challenges (covid apart obviously) but in those days pupils could leave at 16 and go into a wider range of opportunities and jobs than they have nowadays - the university route is still very much pushed as the norm although that is changing slowly. I certainly don’t give my son an easy ride and I know his friends’ parents don’t either - I’m very wary of making sex-based generalisations as I don’t think it helps. Rather, I think we should focus on whether schools deliver appropriately for boys who are more immature and who have under-performed compared to girls for many years. What I do know from having a son who’s 10 years older than his brother is that he and his friends were the same at school - but all of them shot ahead in second year at university, and all hold down good professional jobs now.

What are his favourite subjects?
Least favourite?
Any hobbies or interests?

@SirChenjins We still have jobs and training available but have moved to degrees for lots of jobs where we didn’t need to. Back in rhe 80s plenty of jobs required A levels , not GCSEs. Eg accountancy, nursing, teaching etc. I’m not sure we have gained much from degrees for such jobs.

If you had nothing much you wanted better and that was an incentive to work. There should be more apprenticeships but it takes effort to apply for them.

As some boys are fine at school it’s interesting that some boys don’t do as well in your view because the schools are at fault. The change to non continuous assessment pushed results slightly in favour of boys. It’s more about poor teaching and not engaging boys though. Some schools do and think more about their curriculum snd what they offer.

However DC earning money is vital for many households so maybe ask the questions about what contribution DS intends to make.

Back in the 80s Highers and O levels were required for those courses, yes - although accountancy required a degree and several years post qualifying training and exams (my husband is a CA to trade). The others were not degree courses but teaching was a 3 year course at Colleges of Education (I applied and was accepted , although chose not to to up the place). The jobs that my friends went into straight from school at 16 often required O levels but not always.

The continuous assessments in National qualifications still don’t result in boys achieving as well as girls. It’s not interesting’, it’s a fact. Lots of research around sex based bias and lack of male maturity if you wish to read about it.

Re DS contribution - was that aimed at my son?

Lots of accountants took 18 year olds and trained them up to be chartered. We need more routes into jobs but young people need to find direction and purpose.

Yes. I do think young people should think about household costs and aim to help by getting a job or doing training that leads to a job. Or what self respect do they have?

Not lots. The norm was university then chartered.

If you mean get a job while they’re still at school or when they leave school then of course. My son has a p/t job whilst still at school and his peers are all desperate to work and earn money. Again, it’s the norm.

Take them to careers fairs, FE college open evenings , get them to talk to the careers advisors at school (we have one in 2 days a week, I’ve only just found out and 2nd dc is in year 11!).

dc1 is very capable but not very motivated. They George pretty good GCSE’s after not a lot of effort. Did a level 2 btec last year at FE college, passed their driving test and grew up a lot. They’ve just started a level 3 btec apprenticeship and are loving it.

dc2 is much more motivated and on line to get a fantastic set of gcse results. They want to stay at school to do A levels and then join the army but having (very well controlled) asthma will probably get in the way of that so we’re having to prod them to look at alternatives.

There is something for everyone but it’s really tough when they’re not sure what to do. I would definitely suggest getting out of the school environment if they it sure what to do. College treats them much more as adults and some kids seem to thrive on that and really do well in a different setting

We are stuck with DS15 with similar issues. Probably 4s and 5s at GCSEs and will need to leave his selective school. He's got no inspiration for any post 16 courses. I don't think A levels are right for him at all. Difficult to find a good BTEC option. Maybe a trade. He'd like the army maybe something practical like REME but apparently autism even if mild is an exclusion. I'm astonished as surely lots of undiagnosed ASD in the armed forces?! Anyway, we have sadly crossed that off and still searching for something else he might find a spark of enthusiasm for.

Am I join this thread, my DS 15 is emotionally immature, predicted all 4s this week whereas last prediction was all 5s. I remind him of homework deadlines but he regularly gets detentions for not doing it. My and DHs parents just left us to get on with it and we were self motivated (as is our DD) but DS is not. He wants his own business when he leaves school but with no money and (probably) few GCSE passes when he leaves school he is living in cloud cookoo land. I don’t think he stands a chance to get to sixth form but there is a good college nearby.

@weasle I think people who are diagnosed before they go into the forces is a non starter. It’s a profession where every aspect of life is regimented and any unpredictability is an issue. In a way, you stop being you. You become the army’s possession. Problems certainly can surface afterwards but that’s not the same. REME might be practical but it’s still following orders and direction. If he might like this area of work, why not look for BTec types courses in engineering? Or electrical trades? Or motor mechanics? Obviously electric cars are a different proposition but still need servicing.

I have found my people on this thread! Dd is back in college resitting her Maths and doing a Btech. I'm posting this at 4am as I can't sleep as I had a tough love conversation with her today.

She's dyslexic but scores a high IQ. I've never given her any pressure on exams as I know it can stress her out. I never saw her revise for her Gcse's and tried the gentle encouragement approach. It didn't work and she didn't do well in her GCSEs. I never really saw her revising (although she states she worked incredibly hard!). I did see her lots watching Netflix, doing hair/makeup....

She was embarrassed with her gcse results and we visited a local college which was friendly and supportive. She is doing a Biology course which chose quickly and then refused to discuss it further. 6 weeks in and we had a teary evening as she hasn't met any friends in college and doesn't like the course.

She won't take advice and refuses for me to support (ie contact pastoral to see if there is another option for her).

I have told her this evening that she probably didn't work for her gcse's as I never saw her with a book. She has to apply herself or she will end up with no opportunities. I will contact the college tomorrow to see if there is any more options for her. For the friendship development - she has been at college for a few weeks and this will develop.

It's all very stressful for her (and me!).

My DS is in Y11, is bright but does the bare minimum and is predicted 5/6s so far. At the moment he wants to go to a grammar in the next town for 6th form but doesn't know what he wants to do. It's lurched between A levels then officer training in the army, to plumbing, working in a gym (a big hobby), to university. Most of the things he's suggested need him to pull his finger out with his studies but he is more concerned with his girlfriend, his WhatsApp groups and the gym, or talking about school food fights, than he is about getting the work done. I think this is a terrible age for GCSEs and big decision making. Whoever arranged this education system didn't have a teenage boy because their hormones alone don't fit with what's required of them at this age!

Clicked on this thread because I have a struggling 15 year old and now so thankful we’re not in the UK. The english educational system seems incredibly pressured at every turn - from worrying about summer borns in reception, the consequences of taking a day off, hothousing the 11+ and now trying to choose a life path at 15.