Class of '18 nattering as they head in different directions.

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

Hope this works. On phone with dodgy signal.

"It's not just the Facebook people saying that DCs should be independent, there is a real smugness about what their children can do and how lacking other people's children are!"

I hate thread/posts by smug posters who want to feel superior because their precious little darlings could perform a violin concerto at 3, cook a five course gourmet meal at 6, pass 43 A levels at 10 and be totally independent at 11.

I am desperate for DD to be more confident and independent and keep pushing her to do things for herself, but her social anxiety holds her back. She is getting better at pushing herself out of her comfort zone now.

These posters would do well to remember that not all teenagers mature at the same time or at the same rate.

I also get annoyed with the attitude on much of MN that the minute your DC turns 18, you must allow them to make all decisions by themselves and give them no help whatsoever. Some people out there honestly seem to think it's fine to be involved when your child is 17 years and 364 days old, but you must abandon them as soon as the birthday candles have been blown out. I'm glad we have all stayed together as I consider this a "safe space."

Update from DD: despite some turbulence towards the end of the flight (which triggers her anxiety), she's ok and happy to be there (and yes - she's 18, but big sticking out tongue face to those people outside of this thread who think I shouldn't worry about her any more)

"I also get annoyed with the attitude on much of MN that the minute your DC turns 18, you must allow them to make all decisions by themselves and give them no help whatsoever"

I agree. Why would you deliberately set your child up to fail?

A couple of examples:

1. When DD was revising for her A levels, she asked me to test her on some geography facts. I did. She achieved an A.

2. Her boyfriend's parents just told him to get on with it. He missed his grades for his first and insurance choice and ended up going thrugh clearing. Both he and his parents were very disappointed with the results

We all want our children to be independent, but this doesn't always magically happen at midnight on their 18th birthday.

I hope your DD has a great time Chocolate

Thanks Lonicera I remember you backing me up when I was getting some flack on another thread, so I know we feel the same way! I know you do have to let go, but it needs to be a bit at a time. Anyway, I still phone my Dad when things get really complicated - and I'm in my 50s!

Chocolate really pleased to hear your DD coped with the travel. Hope she has a fab time.

I agree that it takes time and experience to become independent. I still ask my mum for advice and I am 48! Surely parenting is a lifelong commitment? I thought it was more important for DD to study and do her music rather than learn to cook a roast. She was stressed and giving her extra chores would have pushed her over the edge. She has spent the summer learning things with me but she is by no means an expert. It will take time.

I intend to continue caring for dd, and helping her anyway I can until I am no longer able to.

She might drive me bloody insane on a daily basis but I love the fact that she still wants my advice and guidance and money

I honestly love you guys. Let's keep going with these threads until we're ancient (and still caring about our DCs)

I agree. I helped DD with revision whenever she asked (more for GCSEs, I admit). Tried to get her cooking but she wasn't interested until she turned veggie a few months ago - and has more time.

There's no reason why they should know how to open a bank account, pay bills or know what to buy at the supermarket unless they've done it or been helped to do it.

Of course I'll help her with shipping and deciding what to buy, but doing it together so she can make decisions as well. Certainly going as minimal as possible, although she's only going 1 1/2 hrs away with plenty of shops close to hand so she'll always be able to go and buy extras.

She and a friend just came back from a few days in Amsterdam and all went well!

I'll always be here to help dd as much as she needs it and she helps me too. Yesterday she was a bloody marvel in a crisis, helping out practically, it's what families do, they help each other.

It's what friends do too.

I'm with you lot in letting go a bit at a time and helping them learn how to be independent. I helped DD open her bank account a couple of years ago and then she says it was easy to upgrade it to a student account. I'll take her shopping to get what she needs for uni. I didn't help with revision, because she didn't want help (and she knew I was already incredibly busy and while I wanted to help I just didn't have time). She did well anyway. I took her to open days, I offered opinions on courses, she made her own decisions. I got her to try building a bed, then helped her out when it didn't fit together and she couldn't face taking it apart again. That's normal and what families do. I've been doing similar sorts of helping for my sister got years and she's definitely an adult. My parents still "help" my brother and he's in his 40s they do more for him than I do for DD because he's a selfish manchild

I'm still in the group (joined a few days ago), someone was giving some dreadful advice about registering with a gp at university. They said it would be OK to stay with your current gp and wouldn't listen to reasons why this is a bad idea.
I gave up and deleted my comments as I object to being patronised by people in person, I'm certainly not going to take it online and there's really no point in wasting energy with it. They can learn from their mistakes.

Ds1 will be having a grocery delivery on the afternoon we arrive at his accommodation that he knows nothing about. It's quite a large shop with essentials and some luxuries including his favourite cider. Anyone who believes a person is miraculously capable of dealing with adult administration by themselves with no support is delusional in my view. To give no support and watch them struggle and fail is cruel.
I intend to continue supporting and encouraging my dc for as long as humanly possible.

littledrummergirl I saw that thread and was quite surprised to see so many people suggesting that first year students living away from home could stay registered with their parents' GP. There are so many reasons why they should register with the GP where they will be living (and if necessary see the parents' GP as a temporary resident).

I didn't get involved in that particular discussion as I have already been attempting to correct misinformation on several threads about meningitis vaccinations and I can't fight every battle.

With regard to helping DC, I'm trying to hot a balance between useful and over-invested. I don't want to cramp his style, and he needs to learn by making his own mistakes, but at the same time he does need an asthma review, and a bank account, and an up to date list of vaccinations before he leaves, and if i don't nag/support he may not get round to it. He is pretty independent and self sufficient but does come to us for advice or support when he needs it, much the same as i ask DH or friends for input if I need clarification or reassurance. I hope he is always comfortable to come to us however old he is.

Re shopping, he is writing lists and i am suggesting items to fill the gaps - he wanted a fish slice but hadn't thought of a wooden spoon! I know he could pick one up in university town, but if he gets one beforehand we will be paying!

And I'm really sad that there has been one upmanship elsewhere on MN. Really unhelpful. I'm so glad of the support on this thread.

IMO support doesn't end when a child turns 18. They are now in a new environment with lots to learn from budgeting, basic diy to managing study time with part time jobs and self catering accommodation. I am happy to support ds in any way he needs it.
I found some of the comments on the other thread unpleasant and wonder what posters hope to achieve with such comments.

Panda - I think people are referring to a fb page, not mn.

We accept that children will all walk, potty train and read at different ages. At 18 they are still developing and it shouldn't be a surprise that they are at different points in that development.

I am better off without the FB woefest, I wish I'd done it sooner even though I wouldn't have seen the wonder that is the over the door airer.

TheThird I am late to the bunfight as I've been away painting ceilings but try to ignore the voice of smug parenting. WTF has it got to do with them anyway?

Petalflowers that's my fault really. Other posters were referring to the FB group, and then I started talking about other threads on MN. I once got a roasting on a thread for being too involved in DD's life - it didn't seem to cross people's minds that when your DC has taken 2 overdoses, you kind of feel like you need to be in control to a much greater extent than normal. But there is also a general view on many other threads on MN that the "rules" of parenting are completely different once they turn 18, which no appreciation that "letting go" is much better when done gradually over time than overnight, and also that a good parent never completely lets go. My Dad is in his late 70s and he'd jolly well better never completely let go.

"it didn't seem to cross people's minds that when your DC has taken 2 overdoses, you kind of feel like you need to be in control to a much greater extent than normal."

They don't get it do they.
DD was horribly bullied in year 10, stopped eating and started self harming. It has left her with a legacy of social anxiety and extremely low self confidence.

People who have never experienced mental health issues in themsleves or loved ones seem to think that "pulling yourself together" is all that is required. You might as well go and tell a paraplegic to run a marathon because that is how easy it is "to just pull yourself together"

Rant over.

And I wanted to say that this has been one of the most supportive threads on MN. DD isn't going to university this year, so I will be relying on you lot for advice when the time comes next year.

Can I just ask about the list of vaccinations people are getting. Is this a new requirement I've missed (DS1 didn't need it). And also the Men ACWY, I'm assuming people mean the one that DD had at school a couple of years ago?

I had to fight my corner at the GP 2 years ago for DS1 to get his jab, I was told he needed to register with uni when he arrived for it!

Oh, and my understanding was that their old 'home' GP has to see them in holidays

But it's not just a case of "what is normal". We as parents know our DC much better than any random internet stranger, so it's really not for them to comment.
DS has no health issues, mental or physical, but still needs assistance completing forms - as do most people the first time! And although he's perfectly capable of going and choosing a suit, he has asked me to go with him for my opinion.
I am way more invested than my parents ever were, and do worry sometimes this has lessened his independence, but I've been the same with his younger sister and she is incredibly independent. She is much more world savvy than him, and is 3 years younger. They are all different. What is right for one is not right for another!

@raspberryrippleicecream My understanding is that you need to check they have had both MMR and they have had the Men Accyw (may have got letters wrong there!). These could have been done a few years ago.

raspberry they really should register with a GP at university who will become their GP and to whom their notes will (eventually) be transferred.
In the holidays if they need to see a GP they can register as a temporary patient. I don't think the GP practice is obliged to see them but it would be vanishing unlikely that they wouldn't accept a former patient living at a current patient's address as a temporary patient.

Thanks. Pretty confident DD is up to date.

Completely agree about the GP registering Nohaudin. Whether DD will remains to be seen!