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Fostering

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Original poster

I'm struggling with this

126 replies

Flower3545 · 17/03/2009 06:47

Lo's social worker rang yesterday and told me lo will be going home soon

She is 15 months old and been with me from birth, her parents have failed 3 previous assessments and the case is due in court this month.

However another assessment was requested and it would appear they are fractionally improving in their parenting so the assessors gave a positive report and social services have decided to integrate her back home.

I am struggling with this knowing to some extent her family background and what her life will be like now.

I know no-one can help but I needed to write this down and try and cope with the feelings I have.

OP posts:

TinyPawz · 21/04/2010 13:36

That is very sad (the photos), maybe her adoptive parents will be more understanding and appreciate them.

Do you still foster?

EarthMotherImNot · 21/04/2010 15:54

Sorry Tiny, just noticed your post.

Yes there is a thread in fostering at the moment if you'd like to check it out.

Conundrumish · 25/04/2010 21:45

I've cried my way through the end of this. You do a fantastic job EarthMother.

2andcounting · 25/04/2010 21:57

i am holding ur hand. u must b an amazing woman to do what u do- ur lo will always have the sense of security and love u have started her life with. dd2 is 14months- can't even degin to comprehend what u r going through.

Gay40 · 25/04/2010 22:06

Total respect for the job you do

CarGirl · 25/04/2010 22:24

urgh I so wished this had turned out differently.

I know from fostermum friends how many chance birth parents are given and how often they just aren't really interested or just not actually able to care for their children.

I wish for the children's sake that more adoptions were forced to be done earlier and the birth parents got fewer opportunities

EarthMotherImNot · 26/04/2010 12:41

Thanks again everyone.

Well my friend has managed to get the clips from my mobile on to disc so Dh and I have sat this morning while our current lo was at contact and watched it through, twice.

The social work assistant was totally thrown on her return with lo to find the pair of with red eyes. She asked if we'd had bad news

Watching the clips on my phone is nowhere near as good as watching them on a big screen!

Dh was tidying up our DVD/CD cupboard over the weekend and came across a tiny box, he asked what it was and when I looked it's marked on the base of the box that it's a curl from her first trim

Fancy finding it now
I've rang the sw and will send the stuff on to her tomorrow.

melaLL · 19/07/2010 02:18

Hi, after reading all posts I know now I wouldn't be able to do fostering i dont think i would be able to let go a child after such a long time. I really admire you, being able to hire your heart for lo...such a incredible thing to do! very brave, im sure your love and support will have long term benefits for her
in terms of giving lo to parents and back...it must have been very confusing for her .. hope she is happy now!

pinkchoccy · 20/07/2010 07:37

Do you know that she is going to her parents as we are grandparents that adopted/ became special gaurdians for our grandson. Our Grandson went into foster care from birth and came to live with us at 4 months old. Also how come it has gone on so long. Doesn't usually go on so long if parents are failing. Not all children go into foster care due to risk of harm either. It must be difficult for you but that is what happens when you decide to foster a baby.

dolphin13 · 20/07/2010 14:20

sorry pinkchoccy your post confuses me. What other reason is there to put a child in foster care other than the risk of harm.

HaveToWearHeels · 30/07/2010 16:04

I have just found this thread and cried all the way through. EarthMotherInNot I hope lo has now been adopted and with a family that will treasure her as the special gift she is. If only the bp could see how special these lo's are and if they are really not wanted then signe them over to a family that so ache for a baby. You do an amazing job, it is one I would love to be able to do but just couldn't. My friend was going before the board or whatever it is when you have done all your training and is waiting to here if she has "passed" and can become a foster Mum.

smokeandglitter · 16/08/2010 20:38

I think pinkchoccy means they can be placed in care through the parents choice, rather than removed by ss?

EMIN, I hope that the adoption works out for your lo. What an amazing start you gave her.

sorrento56 · 16/08/2010 20:45

I couldn't read all this thread as was too heartbreaking .

Please save this baby.

sorrento56 · 16/08/2010 20:48

Sorry, I should have read it all.

E - you are brilliant, I wish you had been my foster mum.

EarthMotherImNot · 17/08/2010 14:25

I'm in floods of tears here

Just got in and opened the post that was on the mat, at last the social worker has finally forwarded a few photo's of lo from the adopters.

She looks sooooooo happy, and beautiful, and, although its over a year since she left, I would have known her in an instant

The social worker promised us photo's months ago and I'd all but given up on her but she is forgiven big time.

I will treasure these always.

sorrento56 · 17/08/2010 18:34

Photos really mean such a lot.

Minnerva · 18/08/2010 10:22

I am so happy for you EMIN-how wonderful to have those precious memories and now some photos to go with them.:)

My lo's gran phoned me last week to thank me for all that I had done and she promised to send me the occasional photo-I really,really hope that she does................

EarthMotherImNot · 18/08/2010 11:16

Thank you Minnerva

Just to see her grinning broadly at whoever was taking the photo's was so special for us, especially as I'd given up hope that we would never get any.

It's lovely when families keep in touch isn't it.

Our little one hasn't had any contact for a good couple of weeks as mum keeps cancelling at the last minute and the suspicion is that she's back on drugs again

SwanseaSlapper · 18/08/2010 11:21

Flower, I am so so sorry, your post has made me cry, if I feel like that I can't even begin to comprehend how you feel....

EarthMotherImNot · 18/08/2010 11:34

Thanks Swansea, how did you remember my old nickname?

sadly we are becoming very used to cases like this one where lo's are stuck in limbo waiting for parents to get their act together

walesblackbird · 18/08/2010 11:40

I'm an adopter and SS's faffing around like this really makes me cross. Sadly it isn't about what's right for the child in far too many cases. It's about the birth parents and their human rights - not to mention the fact that some bps can be very difficult and scary and manipulative and it's so much easier to piss off foster carers and adopters than birth parents.

The sad thing is that you probably know that in a matter of months this child will either be back with you or with another fc and so the cycle continues.

I'm all for birth parents being given the chance to prove that they are capable of being adequate parents - but one chance is enough frankly.

Birth parents can change and make improvements to their lives - it's happened to the birth mother of one of mine - but it's rare.

I hope everything works out right for the child.

EarthMotherImNot · 18/08/2010 12:12

During a chat about adopters who were coming from the other end of the country to begin intros to two children we were fostering the sw was discussing how the parents could travel here, there and everywhere.

I queried whether this was reasonable given that they were travelling by car overnight to get here.

Her reply staggered me: "We have what they want, they'll jump through hoops and walk over hot coals if we tell them to"

I'm afraid what little respect I had, after a two year messing about with lo's lives she had put them through, flew out of the window

12 years on I've managed never to work with her again, thank god!

walesblackbird · 18/08/2010 12:56

That is truly shocking! What a dreadful person. These are children, not commodities.

Thankfully we've done better with our social workers.

The photograph thing is a real issue for adopters. In year 1 the teacher asks for pupils to bring in baby photos and even though I do have baby photos for mine they don't bring back happy memories for them. Instead they represent sad times and you can always see from the look on their faces that they're confused and scared.

Every time I ask for the teacher to come up with something more original and tactful to talk about change and every year they can't. So for a poor child to have no photographs at all is very tough for them - and their parents.

EarthMotherImNot · 18/08/2010 13:19

We used to take older children when we first began fostering and the amount of times I've had a child in tears because the teacher wants them to make Mothers Day/Fathers Day cards.

Try explaining to an eight year old little girl sexually abused by daddy, that "no we won't really send it and no, he won't find out where you are"

sorrento56 · 18/08/2010 20:02

I can't believe this is still going on. My mother was given double figure chances.

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