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Original poster

I'm struggling with this

126 replies

Flower3545 · 17/03/2009 06:47

Lo's social worker rang yesterday and told me lo will be going home soon

She is 15 months old and been with me from birth, her parents have failed 3 previous assessments and the case is due in court this month.

However another assessment was requested and it would appear they are fractionally improving in their parenting so the assessors gave a positive report and social services have decided to integrate her back home.

I am struggling with this knowing to some extent her family background and what her life will be like now.

I know no-one can help but I needed to write this down and try and cope with the feelings I have.

OP posts:
hereidrawtheline · 17/03/2009 06:51

I must say I dont know anything of the ins and outs of fostering, you have my sympathies. It must be very very hard.

Threadworm · 17/03/2009 06:52

I'm really sorry, flower. That sounds incredibly hard. I've no advice, but I feel for you.

oggsdog · 17/03/2009 07:14

I have so much admiration for you. It must be heartbreaking.

I have considered fostering but don't know if I'd be strong enough, especially in such a situation.

You have given the little one a fantastic start.

Original poster
Flower3545 · 17/03/2009 08:11

Thank you, it means a lot to be able to talk about it.

OP posts:
Tortington · 17/03/2009 08:12

xxxx

SobranieCocktail · 17/03/2009 08:14

That must be so painful Would you get to stay in touch with her?

Original poster
Flower3545 · 17/03/2009 08:31

No Sobranie, I don't think her parents would bother to be honest.

The social worker is leaving soon so I couldn't even get info from her. She thought it would be a good idea to tell me that "well, you never know, it might not work and she could be back in care before we know it"

Oh ok not to worry then eh

OP posts:
hereidrawtheline · 17/03/2009 08:43

god that is awful. would you adopt her if you could? I am sorry I really dont understand the rules and things it just seems such a terrible life for the baby.

SobranieCocktail · 17/03/2009 08:44

Oh Flower I don't know what to say. She will have benefitted enormously from all your love, and I really really hope that if she goes back to her parents that they continue your great work. Can you be a little bit pushy wrt staying in touch? Surely anyone would be grateful to have a "helper" nearby who is happy to e.g. babysit.

Original poster
Flower3545 · 17/03/2009 08:54

Dh is 60 I'm 55 so adoption would be nigh on impossible I'm afraid.
I will, of course ask if they will keep in touch but I'm not hopeful TBH.

Her family are extremely introverted people who "keep themselves to themselves" and don't invite outside influences if they can avoid them.

At the moment one of the contact sessions takes place over a lunchtime and I have always had to send lunch for her as they never have anything in for her, what on earth are they going to do next week when part of the integration will involve 5 x weekly contact from 9.30am to 5.30pm.

It just seems ill thought out to go from a couple of hours supervised contact to full days with no supervision.

OP posts:
hereidrawtheline · 17/03/2009 08:57

It does that is a huge leap. Can you cont contest that at all and make it more gradual? Probably not. Sorry.

duchesse · 17/03/2009 08:59

Lord how difficult for you. Will you be able to keep seeing her? Will the parents welcome you?

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 17/03/2009 09:02

I'm shocked that they're doing it like that - why not longer supervised contact??.

Surely if you've had to send lunch that has been noted - someone has to make sure that next week she eats during the day.

Really sorry for you as a foster parent myself

I know it's cold comfort but the most important time in a child's life is between 0-3 so even though they may not remember you in twenty years they will grow up knowing that they have been kept secure and safe with you on some level.

Your legacy with this child will live on.

Buda · 17/03/2009 09:06

God flower. How hard for you. It sounds so wrong - all of it.

Original poster
Flower3545 · 17/03/2009 10:39

Sorry everyone I had to take lo for her immunisation.

Social worker said if she is going home this is the way it's happening, best not to spin it out.
Best for who?

From Monday it will be all day every day and the following week they want her to have some overnight stays.

The social worker asked me to "closely monitor" how lo is when she returns each day.

How the hell do I monitor how she is? by the time she gets home it'll be time for bed.

OP posts:
duchesse · 17/03/2009 10:44

I imagine she means to check her for new bruises and hunger, Flower.

Original poster
Flower3545 · 17/03/2009 10:50

oh god, duchesse, don't

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower3545 · 19/03/2009 07:29

Quick update.

I had a call from lo's social worker yesterday and the "plan" has changed yet again.

After taking legal advice they are now going to give the parents more contact but build it up gradually over a month or so.

If all goes well, which they seriously doubt, then overnight stays will be the next step.

I'm still not happy as it seems like ss believe the family will fail but they are still going ahead with unsupervised contact from next week, but at least they are no longer determined to throw the baby in the deep end so to speak.

OP posts:
PottyCock · 19/03/2009 07:38

I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. My baby is 15 months and the mere thought of having to let her go somewhere she may not be well looked after and safe makes me absolutely shudder.

I agree with the poster who said the little girl will have benefited enormously from your love and care so far. I really hope everything goes the right way for her and her birth family start to get things together, or alternatively she ends up in a stable fostering or adoptive environment. It sounds like the ss have strong reservations about the birth family as they seem to be swithering about sending her back to them, so that is a good thing. Keep a close eye on her over the next little while - you know her best and will be best placed to tell whether she's suffering any distress as a result of seeing them. I really feel for you.

Original poster
Flower3545 · 19/03/2009 07:56

Thanks Potty, to be honest I struggle whatever happens to my lo's, be it adoption or going home as previous posts in fostering will show.

It's the wishy washy way ss deal with the children that makes me

Lo had a bad chest infection some weeks ago and I rang ss to cancel her contact for that day as she was so miserable and poorly.

"Oh no" the social worker said "she must go to contact as it's right in the middle of the assessment"

Two days later mum rang them to say she had been ill through the night and didn't feel up to seeing baby today

So contact was cancelled

When I started fostering it was to the mantra "in the best interests of the child"

That doesn't seem to be the case now at all.

OP posts:
duchesse · 19/03/2009 10:06

Doesn't sound as though birth mother is all that focused on seeing the baby at all. I daresay you still look after and interact with her even if you're feeling rough. Does this spurious cancellation not set alarm bells ringing with SS?

Original poster
Flower3545 · 19/03/2009 10:15

I don't understand their thought processes at all, in fact I've given up trying.

None of it makes sense any more and I feel extremely angry at the sheer waste of this lo's life.

She has been in our care all her life, 15 months of social services faffing about with 4 different assessments by 4 different bodies.

At what point will they say enough is enough, because I have a feeling I'll be taking her to school before they get their act together.

I totally agree with giving parents every chance to work towards having their child home but these parents aren't even meeting ss half way.

Rant over

OP posts:
hereidrawtheline · 19/03/2009 21:35

god I wish you could keep her. I dont want to make it harder for you by saying all the stuff I am thinking but surely you are all the mother she knows. Its so sad so many children go through this.

Original poster
Flower3545 · 19/04/2009 07:57

Quick update

The assessment has been going well much to ss's surprise and contact has been steadily increased over the last few weeks.

From tomorrow lo will be collected at 9am spend all day with her parents and be brought back at 5pm Monday to Friday.

I'm not looking forward to the week and if all goes well they will probably have either a couple of overnight stays before she returns home permanently or simply go home without the overnights.

Last night I said to her "kiss kiss" as I've been doing for ages with no response. She only went and kissed me, then Dh then my daughter.

Hold my hand someone please

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 19/04/2009 08:54

Aww Flower, this sounds so hard for you! I just read through and your last post has bought me to tears.

How has she been when she is coming back? Fed, clean etc?

I cannot imagine being strong enough to do what you are doing but I am sure that you do not feel strong right now. I don't know what to say to make you feel better