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Original poster

I'm struggling with this

126 replies

Flower3545 · 17/03/2009 06:47

Lo's social worker rang yesterday and told me lo will be going home soon

She is 15 months old and been with me from birth, her parents have failed 3 previous assessments and the case is due in court this month.

However another assessment was requested and it would appear they are fractionally improving in their parenting so the assessors gave a positive report and social services have decided to integrate her back home.

I am struggling with this knowing to some extent her family background and what her life will be like now.

I know no-one can help but I needed to write this down and try and cope with the feelings I have.

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Original poster
Flower3545 · 19/04/2009 09:40

Thanks King.

She's been a bit grubby, usually very hungry, even though they say she's had tea, and also tired enough for bed by 6pm then she's been sleeping til 7.30am next day.

Usually she goes to bed at 7pm and wakes around 6.30am.

I know ideally lo's should be with their parents if at all possible and they are trying, its my own feelings that I'm having trouble with. I don't feel strong at all

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KingCanuteIAm · 19/04/2009 10:08

Of course they ar best with their parents, as long as their parents can do right by them. You are being asked to turn over a child you have raised to someone who has proven they could not be trusted to do that in the past. I am no surprised you ar not feeling strong right now!

The point though, is that that you have to do this because the parents do deserve a second chance - as does the child and the society we are in dictates this is the way it is done. THe reason you are being strong, regardless of how you feel, is that you are doing what is required of you and making it as easy as you can for the child.

My hat is off to you and my hand is here for you (as with others here who are supporting you), I am not sure how much help that is though

Original poster
Flower3545 · 24/04/2009 15:33

Quick update

Lo's social worker has emailed me with the plan to move lo home permanently a week come Monday.

There will be 1 overnight stay next week and 3
back to back overnights the following week so we won't see very much of her before she finally leaves

It has been an absolute joy to have cared for her for her first 16 months, from a six week prem little 5 pounder to the wonderful little treasure she is now.

Many tissues will be needed come the 11th May

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Sidge · 24/04/2009 16:17

Oh Flower I want to send you a rather un-Mumsnetty hug.

What you do, and have done, is the most amazing thing and I think you're remarkable. You have given that little girl such a great start in life. She may be too young to remember how much you have given her, but you know that you have played such an integral part of her early couple of years.

I'm sorry for you that she is going.

Original poster
Flower3545 · 24/04/2009 16:27

Thank you Sidge.

I know that letting go is part and parcel of fostering but I so wish I was made of sterner stuff at the minute.

Every time one of my babies leaves it's as if they take a chunk of me with them and I think I'm running out of chunks

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Original poster
Flower3545 · 08/05/2009 07:05

Lo has been away since Tuesday morning and it has gone well as far as I know but we have so missed her.

She comes back to us tonight and we will have the weekend with her before she goes home for good on Monday morning.

I haven't slept well, all tied up in emotions of desperately wanting to see her and the pain of having to "let go" on Monday.

I wish I was a "tougher" person

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KingCanuteIAm · 08/05/2009 07:11

Oh Flower

On the one hand I am pleased that the hand over is going well for your LO and on the other I feel so much for you. I wish I had some helpfull advice or wise words but, in truth, I don't know what to say to you to help. It seems wrong that the people who are working so hard to make things right are the people who have to suffer the pain like this.

Anyway, I am thinking of you, it is the best I can do, sorry its not more.

StercusAccidit · 08/05/2009 07:23

I think its a terrible shame that ss will not help to arrange some kind of visitation for you/letter contact ect.
Have you thought about making up a baby box for her with photo's of you and your family and goodbye letters? Really feel for you.
Also having had experience from 't other side i find it amazing that the contact is moving so swiftly towards a home move, it should have been more gradually built up IMO.. are you under the impression that the birth family is being set up to fail?
I hear of this happening a lot..B/f's are set up to fail miserably, thus closing the curtain on any further chance of reconciliation, NOT a good experience for the lo involved as must be very confusing for them to be shoved from pillar to post.

Oooo i'm so angry on your and the lo's behalf, and a little for the b/f that i can't write any more or it'll turn into a slagging ss off post.

Thinking of you and lo x

Divvy · 08/05/2009 07:32

Oh (((Flower))) xx

pottycock · 08/05/2009 07:37

Sending you lots of love. You have done your best for her.

Original poster
Flower3545 · 08/05/2009 07:42

Thank you for your kindness

I have written lo a letter and I've assembled an album of photo's of her during her time with us. I hope her family do keep in touch but it's not likely.

I can only hope and pray that ss don't relax once she's goes home and they shouldn't as she is still on a care order until later this year.

I can't wait to see her again tonight and we plan on having the best weekend we can with her. This will not be difficult, she lights up any room she's in with her cheeky smile.

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pottycock · 08/05/2009 07:46

This would break my heart. My dd is the same age and I cannot imagine how this must be for you. I really hope everything works out for the best for the wee girl and she grows up healthy and happy. She's lucky to have had a good start in life with you.

mamadiva · 08/05/2009 08:00

Flower ,

everytime you post about one of your children it brings me to tears so I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now!!!

The letter and photo album is such a lovely idea!

I've said it time and time before but you really are an amazing person to do this, I know I could'nt be strong enough but what you do is great and you can tell you really do care!

No matter where these children go as they get older I'm sure they will always have a place for you in their hearts, you kept them well and cared for for so long!

I hope you somehow manage to cope (as you always seem to) when DD goes I can't imagine the pain but you can safely say you provided her with the best start in life and that's more than a lot of others can say!

P.S sorry it's off the subject but how ae things with the little boy that was adopted a few months back? sorry it's been on my mind since

Original poster
Flower3545 · 08/05/2009 08:50

mamdiva, as always thank you.

I know I will cope, says she with fingers crossed, but just how, I don't know.

The little boy is doing very well, his mum sent me a copy of his latest nursery photo the other day, just after I'd waved the baby off for her 3 night stay so it was a welcome boost.

The adoption hasn't yet been finalised as his birth family have been granted leave and funding to appeal so it's a nervous anxious time for them at the moment.

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Original poster
Flower3545 · 11/05/2009 07:43

Well the dreaded day has arrived

Dh and I spent our last day together with her and our DD2 yesterday. Lots of tears and lots of smiles all round.

She has been up for 20 minutes or so and every time I look at her I start to cry again.

Dh just texted me from work wishing me luck and hey ho here come the tears again.

Please hold my hand this morning and keep the tissues coming.

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CaptainKarvol · 11/05/2009 07:57

Oh, Flower. I'm offering my hand, my shoulder, and I'm sure everyone else who reads this will be too.

Did you make the photo album in the end?

You will get through the day, and you know you have done the best you possibly can. Must be so hard though

Original poster
Flower3545 · 11/05/2009 08:06

Thanks Captain, yes I put an album together and I wrote her a goodbye letter.

Took a while to get that on paper I can tell you

She has been such a delight and a joy to care for and I wanted her to know that in the future as well as how much we loved her.

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pottycock · 11/05/2009 08:37

Thinking of you and the lo this morning.

KingCanuteIAm · 11/05/2009 10:55

Thinking of you all here too Flower x

tellnoone · 11/05/2009 11:24

I'm thinking of you too Flower.

Buda · 11/05/2009 11:26

Thinking of you here too Flower. Wish I could think of something useful to say.

Winebeforepearls · 11/05/2009 11:40

Tissues and thoughts for you here too, Flower. Is it possible for SS to at least let you know that things are going OK?

sanae · 11/05/2009 11:53

Thinking of you X

Original poster
Flower3545 · 11/05/2009 12:15

She's gone and my heart is broken.

I honestly don't think I can do this again, the pain is unbearable.

Please god keep her safe.

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Buda · 11/05/2009 12:16

Oh Flower.

I hope she is safe too.