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Fostering

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Original poster

I'm struggling with this

126 replies

Flower3545 · 17/03/2009 06:47

Lo's social worker rang yesterday and told me lo will be going home soon

She is 15 months old and been with me from birth, her parents have failed 3 previous assessments and the case is due in court this month.

However another assessment was requested and it would appear they are fractionally improving in their parenting so the assessors gave a positive report and social services have decided to integrate her back home.

I am struggling with this knowing to some extent her family background and what her life will be like now.

I know no-one can help but I needed to write this down and try and cope with the feelings I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower3545 · 31/05/2009 13:07

We have agreed, though with a great deal of trepidation, to take a newborn baby next month.

I think the last couple of stir crazy weeks have led us to this decision, god help us

One of the reasons we agreed is that it will be a relinquished baby so won't be here too long IYSWIM.

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 31/05/2009 13:13

Oh, good luck with that

Squishy, newborns.. I am going all homonal!

I suppose a short stay to see how you feel is a good idea, you can see where that takes you from there. (well I think that is what it would do for me anyway!)

mogs0 · 02/06/2009 23:24

Have just read your thead and think you are amazing. It must be so hard when these children move on but I'm glad to hear this lo's birth parents are keeping in touch.

Your sw doesn't sound very supportive, is this normal?

I think it's a very good thing that you are offering another tiny tot a safe and loving home.

......and here's another unMN hug!!!

Original poster
Flower3545 · 03/06/2009 08:17

Thanks mogs

I'm finding the problem with our local authority is that the turnover of social workers, ie those leaving/moving on is incredible.

Our last lo had 3 social workers in the 16 months that she was with us.

Our supervising social worker/link worker has been off sick since January so any support for us is down to whoever is on duty and because of the turnover thats usually someone we don't know and who doesn't know us.

OP posts:
mogs0 · 03/06/2009 18:10

That sounds very poor. I've just had an initial interview/meeting with NCH but they've decided my home is unsuitable due to lack of rooms which I suspected would be the case.

Out of interest, when you're fostering NBs do they sleep in the same room as you or do they still need their own room?

Original poster
Flower3545 · 04/06/2009 07:07

Hi again mogs, newborns sleep in our room, once they are old enough or sleeping through the night, whichever comes first, they then move into the room next to us.

OP posts:
mrswill · 19/06/2009 20:26

Hi Flower, im just reading through these threads, and came across this. I hope and pray the lo does well with her parents, and you should you've done an amazing job giving her the best start in life. Im a social worker and i hate the way its played fast and loose with childrens lives, theres got to be a better way. Id love to foster, but im not sure i could bear this sort of situation. You and your husband sound like very special people. Good luck with the new lo xxx

Original poster
Flower3545 · 20/06/2009 15:42

Hi mrswill, thank you, strangely enough I couldn't do your job either

I totally agree with the fast and loose aspect of social work, it scares me that they have so much power.

Could you, perhaps, have a look at my other thread from yesterday on a visit we had planned for today. I'd really value a social workers view.

OP posts:
EarthMotherImNot · 16/04/2010 14:39

Update(Formerly Flower3545)

It didn't work and lo is back in care.

They never bloody listen

bran · 16/04/2010 14:49

I'm sorry to hear that EMIN. Is she back with you (although I suppose at that age she probably wouldn't have remembered living with you before)? Poor little thing.

compo · 16/04/2010 14:55

Oh no
did you foster a newborn after? xxx

Minnerva · 16/04/2010 15:44

Have you ever heard of the term 'Acceptable Neglect'? To me this is absolute nonsense but apparently 'acceptable levels of neglect' (whatever that means) are ok when returning a fc back to their parents.What would not be acceptable behaviour (and rightly so)on the part of the foster carer becomes perfectly acceptable as long as you are the child's birth parents-sounds damaging to me but I am wrong according to their rules.

Surely this child would be perfect for adoption into a loving family who would care and protect her-after the care that she has been given by you which would be continued through adoption so that the child grows into a stable and rounded individual. It must be neglect on the part of the ss to hand her over to people who will not continue to care for her as you have and the stable and secure environment-which is the only life that she has known so far-will be discarded just so that she can be returned to her birth parents.

I do realise the problems that some of us in society face and I do feel for her parents who quite possibly are working really hard with whatever issues they have so that their child can be returned to them but who loses in the long term if it all goes t**ts up?.Not SS,not birth parents and not even you so much Flower but the child that's who.

Huge apologies for the rant and I don't mean to make you feel worse Flower-you have done your very best to provide a safe,secure and loving home for this child only for her to have it snatched away from her.

I hope that as a new foster career this will not happen to me but I am sure that it will at some point and like you I will feel impotence and helplessness and great sadness for the child but at the end of the day we HAVE to accept the choices made for fc by ss.

Minnerva · 16/04/2010 15:49

My last post must have seemed so random as I very cleverly did not read all of the pages and leapt in to leave a message after the first post from you EMIN (Aka Flower!!).

The initial post was eons ago and so much has happened to you Emin-I have been reading and commenting on your other post recently.
Please accept my apologies for the last irrelevant (and 1 year too late) reply-I shall try harder next time!!.

Love
Minnerva

EarthMotherImNot · 16/04/2010 15:53

You have put into words what I feel Minnerva

She didn't come back to us, a fact I find reprehensible, but ss felt too much time had passed since she had been with us (they said)

In fact I think they knew they would have faced an "I told you so" situation added to which I never actually gelled with her sw or her with me.

Lo's parents have been reluctant to pass on photo's of lo so sw wants to visit to copy some that we have. The temptation to say "p* off" is overwhelming but that wouldn't help lo so I must bite my tongue and lock Dh in the shed when she comes for them.

The poor little soul must wonder what the hell is going on

SusieCarmichael · 16/04/2010 16:15

i have just read your whole thread and i am in tears

i can't believe they didn't place her back with you

are you still fostering? you sound like a wonderful woman

sorry i just had to send you a hug, i'm feeling very emotional after reading this thread

LynetteScavo · 16/04/2010 16:28

I was just going to post exactly the same as Susie.

EarthMotherImNot · 16/04/2010 16:34

Susie, yes if you search either fostering or my name you can see what we are doing now.

ps thank you.

EarthMotherImNot · 16/04/2010 16:35

you said what i feel Minnerva, no apology needed.

SusieCarmichael · 17/04/2010 02:19

i've just read your ongoing thread about the teeny little girl

you, your dh and anyone who does what you do are truly amazing, that baby is so lucky to have been placed with you
and she's doing so well already! you must be so proud of her

i wish you all the best and i'm going to follow your threads from now on, they are sad, happy and wonderful all at the same time

EarthMotherImNot · 20/04/2010 12:35

Update!

SW been out to see us, I've given her loads of photos as well as other bits n pieces ie a copy of the letter I wrote to the lo when she left and an account of her first days with us as a tiny baby.

I have some videos on my mobile that a friend is going to try and copy to disc for me and I'll send this to the sw as well.

The really sad part is that as well as having to move again lo's birth family are refusing to pass on her memory box which contains all sorts of treasures, first curl, ID bracelets etc. Once in a lifetime stuff that can't be replaced.

I need a little cry now

Minnerva · 20/04/2010 13:47

I'm not quite sure what point lo's relatives are trying to make by refusing to participate in this but yet again the only person who will suffer in the long term is the child.

How fab that you have gathered together all of the bits and bobs that you have so at least she will have some pieces of life history when she looks back.

You have been wonderful and much admired by us all for the 'biting of the tongue'when faced with the sw-and I hope DH has been allowed back out from the shed!

When I grow up into a proper foster carer I want to be just like you.

waitingforbedtime · 20/04/2010 13:58

EMIN Blimey nothing i can say but youre a courageous woman with a courageous family.

What a shame for the wee one - how can parents not want to do teh best for their kid? I dont get it. She needs taht memory box to link everything together - grrrr!

Sorry I cant say anything constructive but am thinking of you.

EarthMotherImNot · 20/04/2010 14:23

Thanks guys, I've had a good cry, quite cathartic really!

I can't say I bit my tongue very hard because I showed the sw what I had accumulated for the lo and when she held her hands out for them I put them down and said "but it's going to cost you"

She was so surprised she sat down very quickly

I told her I wanted to know why it had ended up as I had predicted and why, for the love of god, weren't we asked to have her back.

Her answers actually made perfect sense but she acknowledged that we could, with hindsight, been included and involved a little.

I feel a little better and Dh is relieved to be out of the shed

TinyPawz · 21/04/2010 00:12

OMG EMIN, I remember this thread the first time round

I simply don;t understand why she was not returned to you. The care system in the UK needs to be overhauled!!!!

That poor child has lost her mother so many times in her short life.

Please tell me that the birth parents will not get her back ever again?

EarthMotherImNot · 21/04/2010 07:17

Tiny: lo is now being placed with an adoptive family, actually very soon now, so hopefully that will be the last move she has to make.

My faith in social services, what little I had left, has been sorely tested and my contempt for the birth family who will not part with a single thing belonging to lo is immense.

Imagine growing up with not a single photo of your first 2 1/2 years of life.