nearly finished assessment but don't think I'm going to be approved

Ceci03 · 2021-09-14T21:33:00+00:00

Something came up about my dd's mental health that apparently means I won't be approved at panel. I'm actually devastated. Have been through such a long assessment process, am at the very very end. I feel so bad for my referees who put so much time and effort into my references. I feel bad for all the time the social worker spent on me and I feel v v frustrated, as this came up right at the beginning of the assessment and they said it wouldnt be a problem. So, advice to anyone starting out, dont let them pressure you into spending any money, or doing up bedrooms or anything until you've been to panel. She wanted me to buy a locked cabinet, and to buy a bed, and I hadnt been to panel. I'm so glad I didn't spend any money. She was really pressuring me. Cant stop crying I'm so disappointed.

EmeraldRaine · 14/09/2021 22:34

You don't know for sure yet though. Otherwise why bother having a panel?

Original poster

Ceci03 · 14/09/2021 22:49

I suppose, but when I started they said that they wouldnt go to panel unless they could 100% recommend me, so I think tomorrow she will phone me and say she's spoken to her manager and they've decided I'm not suitable. They might say I can apply in a few years maybe when my dd has moved out. She's just turning 18. Social worker indicated as much today. I suppose I started thinking of her as a friend and maybe I was 'too honest'. I should have kept my guard up as I know in my heart that there is no danger from dd, or no risk to a child from her. It's unthinkable. Of course I cant say anything to dd. I'll have to make up an excuse as to why i wasnt approved She was lookng forward to having a child. I was only going to be approved for respite as I work.

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respecttheforum · 14/09/2021 22:55

I can understand the frustration but this is why they do the intensive assessments and why it's so important to be honest.

Children that you might foster could be deeply traumatised by their life experiences so far and the LA/agencies need to make sure that you, your family and your home is safe and that any risks are considered and assessed.

Do you feel able to share what the concern is @Ceci03?

Original poster

Ceci03 · 14/09/2021 23:12

No I better not as it's not me, it's my dd. Just to say that we have a very calm, loving home, and it is a great shame, as I think I have a lot to offer a child in care. I was only going to be approved for respite care, so was really looking forward to creating some happy memories for the child. Are you a social worker @respecttheforum you seem to have all the same language that she used today. Which I respect of course. But it's been over 6 months now since I started the assessment and this is something that came up very early on. I've had the meeting with the manager, and am just about to go to panel. So I do feel like it's all been a massive waste of everyone's time and that they knew this back in April. Just massively disappointed.

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Original poster

Ceci03 · 14/09/2021 23:14

One of my referees told me that she had said it was pretty much a formality now, that I was virtually approved. I was so happy. That was only a couple of days ago.

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purpleme12 · 14/09/2021 23:16

Aw I'm so sorry OP 😞

Original poster

Ceci03 · 14/09/2021 23:22

thanks @purpleme12
They were saying I could start off with respite care, and then in time I could hopefully move to short term fostering if I could organise my job. I'm really devastated. Anyone who's been through assessment knows it's so intense, it's like this social worker knows more about me and my life than probably anyone else on the planet. It really feels like a rejection. I opened my heart to her. It's very hard to take.

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user7012893145776 · 14/09/2021 23:33

Hopefully it's not as gloomy as it seems op and you are approved.

I will think positive thoughts for you.

shivermetimbers77 · 14/09/2021 23:47

Did she tell you for sure that what you said about DD would make a difference to the outcome ?… I used to sit on an adoption panel and there were certainly issues in carers and their families that would be strongly debated, but as long as we felt that the risks were low and there were safeguards in place then we would generally recommend approval if all else was positive. A history of mental health issues in the family is not necessarily a barrier if they are being well managed.

CraftyGin · 15/09/2021 15:12

It's a shame that this didn't come to light earlier in the process.

However, your priority is to your own child and to keep her safe.

Original poster

Ceci03 · 15/09/2021 16:42

@CraftyGin that's the thing though, they are not worried about my dd, they are worried about the foster child(ren) being "exposed" to her. I'm not worried about my dd, she's had her struggles, but she's well adjusted now, in college, has friends, a social life etc etc, she's doing really well.
I got a message today that the SW has to talk to a higher manager apparently, and as SW works part-time she's finished for the week now, so it'll be sometime next that I might hear something.

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something2say · 15/09/2021 16:53

Good luck xx it might still be ok xx

CraftyGin · 15/09/2021 17:31

One of the things that I find particularly frustrating is that everyone seems to work part-time, with different days off, so it is very hard to set up a meeting.

Good luck, OP. At this stage I think you should just go with the flow.

There are different categories to be approved in. Maybe you would be suitable for asylum seekers, for example.

f0stercarer · 16/09/2021 21:03

hold your nerve, dont make assumptions, wait for the facts. Its a skill you will need if you are approved !
keep us all informed.

gogohm · 16/09/2021 21:17

It will be very specific to your DD's exact medical situation past or present, which I'm guessing is too outing for you to mention.

I did make enquiries myself but was told because my dd has had suicidal thoughts and an emergency mental health placement it wouldn't be appropriate for an older child to be placed with me but a baby was ok potentially but because I work I am not in a position to take on a baby (unless a teenager with a baby placement which I was open to.)

Original poster

Ceci03 · 17/09/2021 09:29

Hi, yes, I know I am trying to 'hold my nerve'. I'm calmer now. I talked to a friend and she said if it's meant to be it will, which is comforting.

The manager is away now, so it could be next week or the week after until I hear anything, so just have to sit tight and see what happens.

I agree, the part-time work makes everything take twice as long and someone always seems to be off sick, or on leave; not their fault, just the way they work I guess.

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Surburbia · 19/09/2021 00:54

@gogohm - am I right that you are saying that you weren't considered capable of fostering teens because your dd had mental health issues?
Why would that make you unable to foster? There are so many teens now with mental health issues that I would imagine excluding such families from fostering would be a huge loss of foster carers for agencies/councils.

@Ceci03 - why would your adult daughter's mental health issues which seem to be in the past affect your ability to foster? That doesn't make sense unless they are blaming you for her mental health issues which is hardly fair. I assume if she leaves home you can then foster?

I guess the lesson is: don't tell the SW your childrens' health problems unless they are current.

Kanaloa · 19/09/2021 05:07

I get that it’s so disappointing but I suppose you need to see it from their point of view. They need to know any children in your care will be prioritised and won’t be exposed to anything or anyone that might possibly be triggering or dangerous to them when they are so vulnerable anyway.

Of course you know/feel that your daughter is safe and wouldn’t be a danger to children in any way but they can’t be sure of that, and they’re the ones who have to answer to it in the end.

Perhaps you can foster in a few years when you’re daughter isn’t at home anymore. Try and keep your chin up, it’s not a personal insult but rather just them trying to ensure they don’t put any vulnerable child at risk.

CraftyGin · 19/09/2021 12:52

because I work I am not in a position to take on a baby (unless a teenager with a baby placement which I was open to.)

If you take a parent and child placement, you absolutely cannot work. The point of these placements is for you to observe the parent/child over a 12-week period, in order to provide evidence to the courts as to whether they should keep or lose the child. This is how it works in my LA.

Slight derail...

Original poster

Ceci03 · 19/09/2021 15:28

The thing is I thought (naievely) that having experience of my own teen with mental health issues (not terribly serious, she's having counselling and is doing really well), would make me a better foster carer in that I could better understand issues that come up for children/teens.

yeah disappointing but what can I do. nothing, jsut have to accept whatever they say. I honestly don't believe my dd is a danger to children in any possible way. It does feel like an insult tbh but have to just get over it.

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Surburbia · 19/09/2021 15:48

@Ceci03 - a very interesting point you raise though for potential foster parents.

Perhaps others can answer this: if you hadn't said anything about your daughter's issues (which after all must be very common amongst families...since it seems from my own teens conversation that every other teen has problems like this) you wouldn't be in this situation now? How else would they have found out about your daughter's issues if you hadn't told them?

I'm making the point to clarify how important it seems to me to be somewhat circumspect with the SW during the application process.

CraftyGin · 19/09/2021 16:25

You can't. #surburbia, you have to be completely honest.

The OP's priority has to be to her own DD, and if there is any risk to her, it is not worth it. I don't get from the OP that her DD is a risk to a potential foster carer.

Her DD will be interviewed as part of the assessment process, and if further information is required, that can happen.

There are many categories of foster care, and that would be in the OP's ADM approval. The OP gets the last word on who comes to live with her (allegedly).

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/09/2021 17:13

@Ceci03

The thing is I thought (naievely) that having experience of my own teen with mental health issues (not terribly serious, she's having counselling and is doing really well), would make me a better foster carer in that I could better understand issues that come up for children/teens.

yeah disappointing but what can I do. nothing, jsut have to accept whatever they say. I honestly don't believe my dd is a danger to children in any possible way. It does feel like an insult tbh but have to just get over it.

I doubt very much it's that they think she's a risk, but if you're focused on supporting her and her needs you won't be able to fully support a foster child.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/09/2021 17:24

[quote Surburbia]@Ceci03 - a very interesting point you raise though for potential foster parents.

Perhaps others can answer this: if you hadn't said anything about your daughter's issues (which after all must be very common amongst families...since it seems from my own teens conversation that every other teen has problems like this) you wouldn't be in this situation now? How else would they have found out about your daughter's issues if you hadn't told them?

I'm making the point to clarify how important it seems to me to be somewhat circumspect with the SW during the application process.[/quote]
If you didn't share something like this and something happened, and it came out that you concealed significant information, you'd be immediately deregistered as foster carers most likely, and never be able to foster again. Hardly worth it.

Children in care need the best possible care. They deserve better than people who are dishonest with their assessing social workers from the outset.

Original poster

Ceci03 · 19/09/2021 17:55

Yeah well I wasnt dishonest was I. I think in hindsight I should have been more circumspect. I'd already told SW about dd's struggles. this was my last face-to-face in the assessment and I guess I relaxed a bit, and felt like I was talking to a friend, and probably just gave a bit too much detail that honestly they did not need to know. I'm only being assessed for respite care, so it's a max of 2 weekends a month, which still gives me loads of time for my dd. Which to be honest she doesnt really need, as one of the reasons I've thought about fostering is that I have a lot of free time now dd and ds are older. They are often out with their friends, and just dont need my time as much as they once did. They still need me, just in a different way.

I do regret expanding on dd's difficulties, as I feel they are well managed, and have been for a few years now, and would have no impact on a foster child. Even ds is not aware of 99% of what has gone on with dd.

But it is what it is so just have to live with whatever they decide.

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