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Fostering

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nearly finished assessment but don't think I'm going to be approved

116 replies

Ceci03 · 14/09/2021 22:33

Something came up about my dd's mental health that apparently means I won't be approved at panel. I'm actually devastated. Have been through such a long assessment process, am at the very very end. I feel so bad for my referees who put so much time and effort into my references. I feel bad for all the time the social worker spent on me and I feel v v frustrated, as this came up right at the beginning of the assessment and they said it wouldnt be a problem. So, advice to anyone starting out, dont let them pressure you into spending any money, or doing up bedrooms or anything until you've been to panel. She wanted me to buy a locked cabinet, and to buy a bed, and I hadnt been to panel. I'm so glad I didn't spend any money. She was really pressuring me. Cant stop crying I'm so disappointed.

OP posts:
Surburbia · 19/09/2021 18:05

@CloseYourEyesAndSee - what is 'something like this'? A teen suffering depression? The OP is suggesting that she might not be accepted because of the harm her daughter might cause to a foster teen not the other way around. Which she is saying isn't now an issue as her daughter has recovered and is doing well.

How much information and how far back do you go with your/anyone you are living with's history? Do they have access to medical records from 30 years ago for eg?

@f0stercarer - I'd be interested to hear your opinion on this as you always talk a lot of sense here.

Surburbia · 19/09/2021 18:07

Interesting to hear your story and food for thought certainly about how much you should share. Being honest doesn't necessarily mean telling every last detail about one's life imo unless it would impact on a foster placement. Sounds like if you are not accepted the SW is just covering her back - but then again, I don't know the details.

Surburbia · 19/09/2021 18:14

@CraftyGin - I read it differently: ie. that the SW thought that OP's daughter would be a risk to a foster placement.

Can you expand on your, 'you have to be completely honest'?
I haven't yet gone through the process as we're just thinking about fostering at this stage and waiting for our kids to leave home.

Being completely honest....In the process what does this entail? Are you being asked specific questions: ie. has anyone living here ever had a mental health issue? Or are you being asked to write a potted history on an application form? If I had Malaria when I travelled to Thailand age 21 - (ie. 36 years ago) would that be something I brought up? Or only something that might be relevant now?

For eg. my husband had depression age 21 for a few months - would he tell them that even though he's been fine for the last 38 years? I would say, no, and also no to the Malaria - how can it be relevant almost 4 decades later?

These are questions I'd love to have answered...@f0stercarer? What's your view on this?

Surely there has to be some common sense about what information you share with a SW?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/09/2021 18:14

@Surburbia

Interesting to hear your story and food for thought certainly about how much you should share. Being honest doesn't necessarily mean telling every last detail about one's life imo unless it would impact on a foster placement. Sounds like if you are not accepted the SW is just covering her back - but then again, I don't know the details.
'Something like this' would be a resurgence of mental health needs in the teen which may impact on the foster child. The OP doesn't even know what the outcome is yet so she can't state that anyone is saying her DD will be a danger to any child. That's you and other pp projecting. It's also very clear that you don't understand the system (social worker doesn't make the decision about approval for a start) so your contributions are really not massively helpful.
Surburbia · 19/09/2021 18:31

Oh dear. You've got the wrong end of the stick.

I'm trying to find out information here. Precisely because I don't know the system - asking questions is how to find out about things.

CraftyGin · 19/09/2021 18:46

#surburbia

This information wouldn't be in an application form. It would come up in a discussion with your assessing social worker. We had 11 x 2 hr sessions, so talked about a lot. One of the sessions was about the characteristics of our own children.

Kanaloa · 19/09/2021 18:54

I read it differently: ie. that the SW thought that OP's daughter would be a risk to a foster placement.

A ‘risk’ in this case doesn’t necessarily need to be thinking that the dd would hurt or harm a foster child, which of course she likely wouldn’t.

It could be the child being exposed to the dd having outbursts/being very miserable and unhappy. Or the dd, suffering with depression, talking to the child about being depressed. Things that might not seem that bad (especially if the child is a teen themselves and closer in age with the dd) but aren’t appropriate for a child having respite from their own difficult life. The foster child needs to be the absolute priority in the mind of the social worker.

Surburbia · 19/09/2021 19:01

@CraftyGin - helpful, thanks.

What were the other 10 sessions about? This is all very useful info for potential foster carers.

How is your medical history assessed? That's something of interest to us. Do they access your medical records? Or do you do a medical with your GP to assess your current and recent health?

Do they interview children who have left home? I don't think being interviewed by a SW is up his street somehow.

CraftyGin · 19/09/2021 19:10

[quote Surburbia]@CraftyGin - helpful, thanks.

What were the other 10 sessions about? This is all very useful info for potential foster carers.

How is your medical history assessed? That's something of interest to us. Do they access your medical records? Or do you do a medical with your GP to assess your current and recent health?

Do they interview children who have left home? I don't think being interviewed by a SW is up his street somehow.[/quote]
Wow - the sessions were all about getting to know us, so we had a session on our early childhood, followed by a session on later childhood/university. We had sessions on attitudes to different lifestyles. Loads and loads.

Our medical stuff was affected by the pandemic, so we did not have examinations. The SW wrote to our GP who gave a report.

All of our children were interviewed, but only the ones at home were DBS'd. They also interview your referees.

Surburbia · 19/09/2021 19:22

Interesting. What does 'attitudes to different lifestyles' mean?
Do your referees get interviewed on the phone or in person? I assume the former since one can't assume, for eg. an old friend lives in the same city as you do.
Also - how many referees do they want? I don't have contact with my extended family and parents deceased. I assume colleagues and friends suffice? But how many?
Thanks for answering my questions. It's surprisingly difficult to find out these details (unless you can recommend a place where you found out before you went through the process...)

Surburbia · 19/09/2021 19:24

@Kanaloa - interesting. Good point well made.

CraftyGin · 19/09/2021 19:28

@Surburbia

Interesting. What does 'attitudes to different lifestyles' mean? Do your referees get interviewed on the phone or in person? I assume the former since one can't assume, for eg. an old friend lives in the same city as you do. Also - how many referees do they want? I don't have contact with my extended family and parents deceased. I assume colleagues and friends suffice? But how many? Thanks for answering my questions. It's surprisingly difficult to find out these details (unless you can recommend a place where you found out before you went through the process...)
Mostly due to protected characteristics - race, sexuality etc.

Our referees were interviewed on Teams. My BIL was a referee and he lives in Canada.

We produced 4 referees who gave written reports and 3 of them were interviewed.

Our referees were friends and family. Our vicar was one, but she was the one who did not get interviewed.

We didn't know anything before we applied and it was all one step at a time.

I have an AMA thread here, which you could use so as to not clutter up the OP's thread.

Surburbia · 19/09/2021 19:34

Cheers - that is super-helpful. Will check out your AMA - new to mumsnet so sorry to hijack this thread!

Ceci03 · 19/09/2021 19:48

The thing is, if your priority has to be the foster child, at all times, how do people with children ever get approved to foster? Surely, as a mother, your priority will always be to your own children, as much as you do your very best for a foster child?

The thing is I havent concealed anything. Although I do question now, the detail I went into. I dont feel that it was necessary given that my dd is about to turn 18, and has a very good life for herself, with minimum support. There's no way she would start 'sharing' with a foster child. As I just said, her younger brother does not even know the full extent.

I just got 'too comfortable' and forgot I wasnt talking to a good friend, but was going through an assessment. It doesnt affect anything in our current lives at the moment, so even though I had shared about my dd's difficulties in her early teens, and we had gone through all that, I should have just left it at that. JMO. I mean, mental health issues are so common amongst teens now? As I said I was naieve and though that it would actually help my application, that I have experience with these things. And could have experience to help a child going through similar.

OP posts:
Cassimin · 19/09/2021 20:03

When you apply to foster you are assigned a social worker to fill in your form F.
This is very detailed. Ours went from birth to present day.
Your family tree, where you have lived, your relationships with all of your family members, all employment history.
Your dr completes a medical form, on this they record all relevant medical info. ( obviously not tonsillitis when you were 11!)
Any long term illness, mental health issues, if you are taking prescribed drugs, terminations.
Your children are interviewed a couple of times, without you present.
Ex partners ( long relationships) are interviewed.
Bank statements are scrutinised ( not sure if it was 3 or 5 years)
Pets are checked. Need to be vaccinated.
At least 2 referees who have known you for years are interviewed.
Everyone in your home over 18 needs a full dbs check.
You need to supply names of your support network.
You need to get gas and electric checks and show certificates.
Your house is given a full safety check. Windows, locks, outside areas, kitchen.
If you pass all of this you are then sent to panel!

CraftyGin · 19/09/2021 20:34

The thing is, if your priority has to be the foster child, at all times, how do people with children ever get approved to foster? Surely, as a mother, your priority will always be to your own children, as much as you do your very best for a foster child?

The priority is always your own child. A risk assessment has to be made when placing a foster child with you.

Kanaloa · 19/09/2021 20:37

I didn’t say your priority should be the foster child. I said the foster child must be the absolutely priority in the mind of the social worker.

So to them your daughter’s struggles and personality are secondary - their priority is finding the absolute best place for the foster child. I wasn’t saying you should prioritise the child but that the social worker had to.

CraftyGin · 19/09/2021 20:39

@Kanaloa

I didn’t say your priority should be the foster child. I said the foster child must be the absolutely priority in the mind of the social worker.

So to them your daughter’s struggles and personality are secondary - their priority is finding the absolute best place for the foster child. I wasn’t saying you should prioritise the child but that the social worker had to.

There are two social workers involved - one representing the foster child and one representing the foster carers.
f0stercarer · 19/09/2021 20:41

The application process is very detailed. We too had many detailed sessions with assessing sw. Some would say intrusive. At least two hours at a time. Birth to present day.
Some of it bordered on marriage counselling. All of our 4 (adult) children were interviewed as were both our referees. We had to provide all my addresses from birth (I am in my 50s). When I pointed out I couldnt remember my first couple of addresses as I was under 4 I was told my application could not progress until they were provided. I mention this to demonstrate how inflexible (some would say idiotic) the process can be.

Similarly employment details ie full details of dates employers addresses going back to age 16/18 etc even though they may have moved/gone bust etc. The joke is that if you say self employed that is good enough to cover any period. No evidence required at all to back this up. I mention this to demonstrate it is not an effective process to cover everything for protection of children etc. It is just a highly self important, over officious process that ironically is easily usurped if someone is motivated to do so.
There was a comment above

"It's also very clear that you don't understand the system (social worker doesn't make the decision about approval for a start) so your contributions are really not massively helpful. "

I must disagree with this sentiment. Although the assessing sw may not make the final decision their comments and conclusions will normally carry the decision. I have been made aware of some truly appalling statements and comments from assessing sw often in areas that they have no training and expertise to comment. The assessing sw wields enormous power. Piss them off and they will get their revenge. (this is a feature you wiull recognise if you go on to be a foster carer !) .

The assessing sw is interviewing you to assess your suitability for a career. They are not your friend, they are not your confidant. They arrive with their opinions, they will judge you. Often unfairly.

I would not recommend lying but you are entitled to some privacy and given the choice I would present a vanilla impression rather than the full knickerblocker glory account ! Please dont assume anyone has a sense of humour or express extreme political or social opinions.

To give you an idea of how detailed the report is that is produced ours was 89 pages.

Answer the questions but be careful about volunteering too much information that isnt asked for. You may feel it is helpful and will enhance your application but it may well harm it. You are playing a game where you don't know the rules.

In summary the assessment process, in my opinion, is not about you proving your suitability but rather proving you are not unsuitable. This is a crucial difference and is the mindset that all applicants should have.

Kanaloa · 19/09/2021 20:45

@CraftyGin

I wasn’t saying there weren’t? I was responding to op who had misunderstood my post - I was saying if she was rejected ad a foster carer it isn’t personal but rather just because they are trying to do the absolute best for the foster child, and she misunderstood and thought I was saying she personally should prioritise the foster child over her own child.

purpleme12 · 19/09/2021 20:48

Wow providing your address from when you were under 4! Why would you even need to do things like this!
The intrusiveness of it all is why I couldn't do it.

Surburbia · 19/09/2021 20:59

@Ceci03 - well I think you are completely correct in your assessment of your situation: you probably should never treat the SW as a friend and should always be on a professional level albeit that they are asking you talk in detail about your life, values etc.

I find this honesty thing quite interesting: there is no way someone who drinks half a bottle of wine a night and is a functioning alcoholic is going to tell the SW about that. Or someone who has abused children but never got caught - they're hardly going to be 'completely honest.'

Hopefully you will still get a good outcome despite being 'too honest and open' with the SW.

It might be that the issue was not that your daughter had problems (which as you say are resolved now and incredibly common and hardly on the severe side from what you describe) but that you seemed to want to talk about it with the SW. Perhaps that came across as needy. I'm just speculating though - try not to worry...you may still be accepted.

You sound like a good person who'd be a great foster carer.....but I'm not a SW!

Surburbia · 19/09/2021 21:09

@Cassimin - that is highly useful. Thank you.

A couple of questions: are children who have left home interviewed? Another poster suggested yes. But my eldest who is neuro-diverse would not want to be interviewed...I guess I could ask him, but I think it would make him anxious, even at age 21.

Do the referees have to be different for your husband and for yourself or can they be the same referees (obviously employers are different) if they know you both well? Ie. do you in fact as a couple need 4 referees?

Someone put down their vicar as a refereee - can a vicar really know you that well? I'm thinking long-term friends, colleagues..Not in touch with my family: would that be a problem? Not all families get on with each other particularly if they live far away.

'You need to supply names of your support network'- What does that mean? Friends? My support is and always has been my husband (we've been together almost 40 years through thick and thin.) I don't tend to ask for support as I'm pretty damn tough and tend to support others quite frankly.

Thanks very much for your post - very useful indeed.

Surburbia · 19/09/2021 21:18

@f0stercarer - Many thanks for your insightful post. I adore all your posts: highly intelligent and incredibly useful. I really appreciate your take on the application process.

One question I wonder if you have an opinion on: I'm an interior designer (one hat, I have others) and our home is very 'chi-chi'. Our kids are now on the cusp of leaving home so it's not a 'child-friendly' place as was our old home (we moved in the last year both house and city).

We'll probably move to a larger house (currently 4 bed but as I say, not quite suitable for fostering probably) but would want to get the process started at this house.

Sounds funny, but would we be judged on our interior design tastes? I read on here (sounded like a SW) that they would be immediately suspicious of a certain type of home (meaning high spec I think.)

What's your take?

f0stercarer · 19/09/2021 23:09

The first thing our assessing sw did was ask to be taken on a tour of our house. Her immediate comment was that it was messy and many foster children wouldnt like that. I bit my tongue and helped her retain her sense of superiority.

I think a minimalist home would raise concerns as you are taking in kids who have issues and are unlikely (although it is possible) to exist in that time of environment. If it was really important to you to have things immaculate you are probably in for some serious disappointment !

I am reminded of a very rich client of mine who was adopting 2 girls from China (it was at the time of the one child policy and girls were being abandoned on the streets). He still needed a council sw to approve them. The moment she walked through the door of their palatial home she took an instant dislike and wrote up a terrible assessment. It was basically a power play and she resented their wealth and success. They were forced to go a circuitous route before successfully rescuing two babies.

You really do need a bit of luck with who you are allocated to. Look there are bad eggs in every profession and you just have to hope a reasonable assessment takes place. Just try and reduce any potential flashpoints and be bland and unopinionated.

3 of our children had left home and all were interviewed. My wife and I had the same referees.

It is infuriating that the process is pants but dont let that put you off applying because you can make a real difference to kids lives.