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Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

Original poster

nearly finished assessment but don't think I'm going to be approved

116 replies

Ceci03 · 14/09/2021 22:33

Something came up about my dd's mental health that apparently means I won't be approved at panel. I'm actually devastated. Have been through such a long assessment process, am at the very very end. I feel so bad for my referees who put so much time and effort into my references. I feel bad for all the time the social worker spent on me and I feel v v frustrated, as this came up right at the beginning of the assessment and they said it wouldnt be a problem. So, advice to anyone starting out, dont let them pressure you into spending any money, or doing up bedrooms or anything until you've been to panel. She wanted me to buy a locked cabinet, and to buy a bed, and I hadnt been to panel. I'm so glad I didn't spend any money. She was really pressuring me. Cant stop crying I'm so disappointed.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 20/09/2021 23:22

*in any way possible, I meant to type.

Surburbia · 21/09/2021 00:13

@ uhhhh. I think you'll find I didn't start that train of thought. But go ahead....

I'm leaving this thread. It's getting rather heated. It's very off-putting to potential foster carers o see the more intelligent and thoughtful carers chased off mumsnet.

Bye!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/09/2021 06:26

Suburbia - I know you're not reading my posts and leaving the thread but you'll have to develop a lot thicker skin if you think a social worker calling someone's attitude 'odd' is bullying. The fostering assessment will certainly examine and name all the 'odd' attitudes you and any other prospective carer hold towards fostering children.

I make no apology for being a passionate supporter of my looked after children. Who else should he 'emotionally involved' with their outcomes and needs but their social worker?

Cassimin · 21/09/2021 10:25

Surburbia
From what I understand there is a staying put payment but I have been told it’s not much.
If the carers are relying on the fostering allowance as an income this would hit them financially as by the adult fc staying they are losing their room.
The fc adult will also require a dbs and if there is anything flagged up a SW may be reluctant to place any vulnerable children in the home.
As a side my fc has received nothing from SS and also nothing from the 13 SW they have had. No Christmas card, no birthday card- zilch!
Also nothing from their ‘loving’ birth family who spout about their love for them on social media.
This is the same for the majority of children I know.

CraftyGin · 21/09/2021 11:41

@Cassimin

Surburbia From what I understand there is a staying put payment but I have been told it’s not much. If the carers are relying on the fostering allowance as an income this would hit them financially as by the adult fc staying they are losing their room. The fc adult will also require a dbs and if there is anything flagged up a SW may be reluctant to place any vulnerable children in the home. As a side my fc has received nothing from SS and also nothing from the 13 SW they have had. No Christmas card, no birthday card- zilch! Also nothing from their ‘loving’ birth family who spout about their love for them on social media. This is the same for the majority of children I know.
Staying put allowances can vary by local authority.

For my LA, they pay about half of the FC allowance, but the young person pays £90 to you for food and board. This comes from their benefits or wages.

We would be down £130 per week (but we aren't really doing it for the money).

Cassimin · 21/09/2021 14:16

We’re the same, the money is a great help but we wouldn’t need to move the child out if it stopped. I’d have to try and get back into full time employment and we’d have to cut our cloth.
I can’t imagine asking a young adult for £90 per week though. I wouldn’t expect my birth children to pay that much.

CraftyGin · 21/09/2021 15:01

@Cassimin

We’re the same, the money is a great help but we wouldn’t need to move the child out if it stopped. I’d have to try and get back into full time employment and we’d have to cut our cloth. I can’t imagine asking a young adult for £90 per week though. I wouldn’t expect my birth children to pay that much.
Our kids paid digs - a % of their earnings.

Care leavers get benefits or wages, so they are able to make a contribution.

Enquirer20 · 21/09/2021 15:05

Just to go back to the original point of the thread @Ceci03, many young people in the foster care system have birth parents who have struggled with mental health issues in often scary, unpredictable and unavailable ways. Although your DD is doing well, if there is a dip in wellbeing (even a small one), it might be a difficult and triggering reminder for the foster child of what things were like in the birth family home. This could be re-traumatising for them in a way that significantly affects their feelings and behaviours - something that social care will be looking to minimise.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 21/09/2021 16:13

Enquirer20 even if I am only doing respite care?

It seems to cut out a huge number of potentially good foster carers. There are no 'perfect' families I would say. I wonder how many years without a mental health problem would be considered "ok".

Like I said, stupidly, naievely, I thought it would help me in being a foster carer having gone through some mental health difficulties with my dd, but it seems rather, it excludes me. I'd say that was a pity.

OP posts:
Enquirer20 · 21/09/2021 16:46

I know it must be hard to think that something you’ve learned so much from in such a personal way may be excluding you. I’d encourage you to stay positive, I’m not aware that it’s a blanket ‘no’ and it seems there’s been no final decision in your case yet.

I’m just offering, from my perspective of someone who works intensively with young people in the foster care system, the view that every little thing matters. Things that might seem smaller or insignificant in some ways, or to some families, have a huge impact on this group of young people. They’ve experienced so much adversity and continue to experience many transitions and difficulties after leaving their family homes, so every person and placement must be thought about extremely carefully.

Respite especially can be an extremely tricky time, young people are in an unfamiliar place with people they don’t know, away from stability again, often without the comforting routines of school etc. Clearly with consistent respite, relationships can be built but transitions will often remain difficult even when environments become more familiar.

I know it must seem that such scrutiny will really narrow down the pool of available carers, but I think this is a good think overall. Hopefully in your case, if there are many other positives you could bring and the risk of a relapse for your DD is small, it might not prove to be a barrier in the end.

CraftyGin · 21/09/2021 17:10

@Ceci03

Enquirer20 even if I am only doing respite care?

It seems to cut out a huge number of potentially good foster carers. There are no 'perfect' families I would say. I wonder how many years without a mental health problem would be considered "ok".

Like I said, stupidly, naievely, I thought it would help me in being a foster carer having gone through some mental health difficulties with my dd, but it seems rather, it excludes me. I'd say that was a pity.

OP,

What is your understanding of respite care? There is more than one definition of this.

cloudacious · 21/09/2021 18:48

It's not that it isn't a pity, it just wasn't your decision to make. Keeping back information isn't a good idea as you're not in a position to understand how ongoing issues might affect foster children. I've done it and their life experiences leave them vulnerable to things you might not realise would be an issue. It's just better to be transparent for the child's sake. They don't turn people down for no reason.

Kanaloa · 21/09/2021 18:53

I’d say it’s even more valid because it’s respite care. A lot of kids in respite care are there because their home situation is chaotic or really difficult. They need the respite to be a place where there isn’t likely to be any form of crisis or distress.

Although if your dd has had no issues or upset recently it might seem a bit over the top, but they will have no way of knowing how severe (or not) these issues are.

gospelsinger · 23/09/2021 12:29

OK, I want to know now. OP, when is your panel? Is it still going ahead? From the stories I've heard and my own experience, panels don't always go the way you expect.
Hopefully this will give you a chance to prepare and present your situation in a truthfully positive way.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 06/10/2021 12:14

So I had a meeting with the SW yesterday, and she said they will not be recommending me to panel. Apparently it is my 'right' to still go to panel, but I asked her was it a waste of time and she said yes, as they wont approve without her recommendation. So disappointed. Cried and cried yesterday. I just really wanted it and I feel like I've burned my boats now. I know in my heart of hearts that my dd is no more a threat to a child than a chocolate teapot, but because of something in her past, which is over now, they feel the risk is too high. I could accept it, but I just feel they didn't listen to me, and made assumptions. It's hard to explain without going into detail, and I think I need to respect my dd's privacy. She said I could come back in a 'couple of years' but I would have to start from scratch. I feel so bad for my referees who put a lot of time into doing all the references for me, and going on zoom calls and all that that entailed. Anyway, that's it for now. I feel like it is definitely their loss, as I know my family would be a safe caring space for a child. Nothing I can do though. Please don't be mean to me, I'm feeling very bruised and vulnerable after sharing my life story and being rejected at the very last minute. TIA

OP posts:
f0stercarer · 06/10/2021 12:40

so what's the downside of going to panel ? I am going to PM you with details of an individual who will be able to advise you on this.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 06/10/2021 12:55

@f0stercarer

so what's the downside of going to panel ? I am going to PM you with details of an individual who will be able to advise you on this.
thanks @f0stercarer
OP posts:
purpleme12 · 06/10/2021 12:59

Oh no I'm so sorry to hear this OP 😥

Surburbia · 06/10/2021 13:06

So sorry to hear this. I agree with @f0stercarer though about still going to panel. It might be an opportunity to hear exactly why you have not been recommended since they've put you to all the bother of the application process. Don't let this setback get you down.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 06/10/2021 14:28

Do you think I can go back to the SW and tell her I still want to go to panel. I have a feeling she will be annoyed

OP posts:
Martinisarebetterdirty · 06/10/2021 14:42

OP I’m so sorry for your experience. Please don’t go to panel, you won’t get in the room. Someone close to me was going to adopt and went to panel, they were in the waiting room when the chair came out and told them to go home because something had come out a couple of days earlier about the child and panel wouldn’t entertain the thought of placement because of it (they went back four months later and have been a family for several years now).
Social Workers are obviously not always right but it is their duty to protect these most vulnerable children, and whilst you say there is no risk from your DD, it isn’t on you and your professional judgement if something were to happen.
I’m so sorry you feel so sad about this.

Kanaloa · 06/10/2021 17:36

Bad luck op. Hopefully in a few years you can reevaluate and possibly try again? I imagine you probably would have been a fantastic respite for a young kid, but it’s their mistake to make and they need to be careful. I get that you really wanted it but that’s not their priority at the end of the day.

Perhaps you could volunteer your time in some other capacity though? It’s a shame to let go of your desire to help others.

Surburbia · 06/10/2021 18:54

@Ceci03 - who cares if you annoy the sw? She's being paid to do a job.

You have got nothing out of the protracted assessment so I would certainly want to know what the issue was particularly if I was seeking to apply again, so as to ensure I didn't 'fail' on that particular point again.
It might not in fact be about your daughter's issues but more that they feel you are still not over the difficulties that they caused (I'm just surmising here). At this point, it seems you don't actually know for sure what the issue is and I would imagine it would be useful to find out.

From what I have learned so far it is very important to be as professional as possible in an assessment and not overshare nor see the SW as a friend (which you admitted to doing) since they are far from that but someone instead who is very closely assessing you as is their job. This might have been the issue. You should find out. It might not be necessary however to go to panel to do this. Perhaps you can see her report on you.

Good luck!

bestsoupintown · 06/10/2021 19:08

@Ceci03

So I had a meeting with the SW yesterday, and she said they will not be recommending me to panel. Apparently it is my 'right' to still go to panel, but I asked her was it a waste of time and she said yes, as they wont approve without her recommendation. So disappointed. Cried and cried yesterday. I just really wanted it and I feel like I've burned my boats now. I know in my heart of hearts that my dd is no more a threat to a child than a chocolate teapot, but because of something in her past, which is over now, they feel the risk is too high. I could accept it, but I just feel they didn't listen to me, and made assumptions. It's hard to explain without going into detail, and I think I need to respect my dd's privacy. She said I could come back in a 'couple of years' but I would have to start from scratch. I feel so bad for my referees who put a lot of time into doing all the references for me, and going on zoom calls and all that that entailed. Anyway, that's it for now. I feel like it is definitely their loss, as I know my family would be a safe caring space for a child. Nothing I can do though. Please don't be mean to me, I'm feeling very bruised and vulnerable after sharing my life story and being rejected at the very last minute. TIA
I'm sorry to hear this. I know you don't want to talk about the specifics of why you would not be successful at panel but I hope you know that these decisions are not taken lightly so there would be very good and valid reasons why the social worker has told you this. They will have discussed this with their manager and probably more senior managers in the service. They may also have taken advice from the agency decision maker (who has the final say after panel).

Only you here know the full reason why you aren't being recommended to panel and that's fine but no-one can advise you without that.
If you haven't had the rationale fully explained by the social worker then please do ask.

f0stercarer · 07/10/2021 07:32

if you go to panel you will see the full report on you in advance and can prepare accordingly. Many assessing sw are not suitably qualified/experienced to assess complex cases in certain areas and you may well find that someone on panel who has experience/qualifications in the particular area concerned will stand up for you. In addition by seeing the report and the specifics of the "problem" you can prepare to address the issue for a future panel. Similarly comments made by panel could help for the future. There is also the (outside) chnace that panel may overule the report.