nearly finished assessment but don't think I'm going to be approved

[Ceci03]

Something came up about my dd's mental health that apparently means I won't be approved at panel. I'm actually devastated. Have been through such a long assessment process, am at the very very end. I feel so bad for my referees who put so much time and effort into my references. I feel bad for all the time the social worker spent on me and I feel v v frustrated, as this came up right at the beginning of the assessment and they said it wouldnt be a problem. So, advice to anyone starting out, dont let them pressure you into spending any money, or doing up bedrooms or anything until you've been to panel. She wanted me to buy a locked cabinet, and to buy a bed, and I hadnt been to panel. I'm so glad I didn't spend any money. She was really pressuring me. Cant stop crying I'm so disappointed.

Surburbia
My partner and I have 5 children between us.
2 his
1 mine
2 together.
Aged from 13 - 25
All of them were interviewed as were our ex partners.
We had 2 referees each. All were people who we have known many years.
We were told that we needed to have a good support network as if anything happened to one of us and the other had to rush to hospital to be with us who would care for our foster child?
I think our assessing SW wanted to be really thorough.
I think sometimes you do have to prioritise the fc over your own children.
If you have contact booked or a medical appointment you need to support your fc so if your child has an appointment at the same timeyou would be expected to prioritise fc over your own child.
Our youngest was 13 when we started fostering. I would never recommend to foster if your children were younger.
Our FC has been with us for 10 years and due to their difficulties if my children were younger and needed me more we would have had to seriously think of moving them on.
That would have broken our whole family.

@f0stercarer - thanks - your response confirms our suspicions.

We don't want or expect everything to look 'just so' it just happens that we have a lot of paintings, nice furniture etc...because we can and we're 'arty' and that's my profession etc.

It's certainly not a 'foster' house not because foster kids don't deserve a really nice place but because it's just probably too high spec with marble countertops, expensive curtains, wallpaper, that kind of thing. As you say, I think we might well be judged for it.

We will probably move to somewhere blander and not do it up thus it will be a lot more child-friendly and hopefully less of an issue for a potentially aesthetically-challenged SW!

Do you happen to know what your kids were asked by the SW when they were interviewed? I asked my (neuro-diverse) eldest today (age 19 but he will be 21 when we start the process as we're waiting for our youngest to go to uni before we start) if he would mind being interviewed and he wasn't keen. It's not his thing at all. He would do it at a push but he'd probably want to know what he was going to be asked first.

Thanks @Cassimin that's useful.

Our kids will have left home by the time we start the process. Eldest will actually have left home, youngest will be away at uni.

We want to be able to focus all our time/energies for the foster children.

The thing is, if your priority has to be the foster child, at all times, how do people with children ever get approved to foster? Surely, as a mother, your priority will always be to your own children, as much as you do your very best for a foster child?

Children's services generally, as well as all social workers involved, will always, always expect you to put the foster child and their needs first. In minor issues and in major ones too. No matter how inconvenient or difficult that may be to your own children, and to the family as a whole, it is something you must agree to with every placement. Of course you can refuse a placement but once they are with you everyone else's needs will be secondary to theirs. What you think about this you need to keep to yourself. Sometimes I think this isn't good for the child themselves to always come first, or have advantages your own children may never have, because in life it really isn't like that. But it's the way children's services expect it to be - always!!

Sometimes I think this isn't good for the child themselves to always come first, or have advantages your own children may never have, because in life it really isn't like that.

To be fair most of the ‘advantages’ foster children might be given are actually levellers. They’re not exactly getting special treatment/being given unfair advantages over a child who lives happily with their parents.

I’m a bit biased but just in my experience no foster child is really at an advantage.

To be fair most of the ‘advantages’ foster children might be given are actually levellers. They’re not exactly getting special treatment/being given unfair advantages over a child who lives happily with their parents

I agree with you in many ways, and of course nothing can ever make up for the horrors they have been through. But on a purely practical and financial level, my foster children have been given ipads, laptops and top of the range bikes from children's services, whereas my adopted children were not and had to manage with the cheap tablets we could afford. As they have grown into adulthood my adopted children have a better understanding of saving and working hard for any luxuries they need, whereas many of the foster children find that concept more difficult as they have, on a practical level, been given so much more financially.

We also had a very bright young man with us for many years that we were advised not to adopt because of the advantages care leavers receive when attending college and uni. Financial advantages that we would never have been able to give him ourselves or were able to give our own children.

When much younger my own children understood that the foster children would generally receive much more on birthdays and Christmas than them. Of course we, and all our extended family, treated all the children the same, but many of the foster children also received large amounts of gifts from their birth families too. Although of course some did not which was another difficult concept for everyone to grasp.

Hope I have explained myself and repeat I know none of this makes up for what they have been through. But sometimes it does make them stand out as different, especially when being given laptops etc in front of their class at school (often happens that way).

@cornishteas

To be fair most of the ‘advantages’ foster children might be given are actually levellers. They’re not exactly getting special treatment/being given unfair advantages over a child who lives happily with their parents

I agree with you in many ways, and of course nothing can ever make up for the horrors they have been through. But on a purely practical and financial level, my foster children have been given ipads, laptops and top of the range bikes from children's services, whereas my adopted children were not and had to manage with the cheap tablets we could afford. As they have grown into adulthood my adopted children have a better understanding of saving and working hard for any luxuries they need, whereas many of the foster children find that concept more difficult as they have, on a practical level, been given so much more financially.

We also had a very bright young man with us for many years that we were advised not to adopt because of the advantages care leavers receive when attending college and uni. Financial advantages that we would never have been able to give him ourselves or were able to give our own children.

When much younger my own children understood that the foster children would generally receive much more on birthdays and Christmas than them. Of course we, and all our extended family, treated all the children the same, but many of the foster children also received large amounts of gifts from their birth families too. Although of course some did not which was another difficult concept for everyone to grasp.

Hope I have explained myself and repeat I know none of this makes up for what they have been through. But sometimes it does make them stand out as different, especially when being given laptops etc in front of their class at school (often happens that way).

I mean yes, financially they get a fair bit but your birth/adopted children get to belong to a family for the rest of their lives whereas fostered children don't. I'm not being snippy, but that's why children leaving care get paid to go through university for example- they are very unlikely to have parents who will help them so who else should do it? They also probably won't have parents who can pick up the pieces when they are 25 and have their first serious break up or get kicked out of a flat or lose their job and need a loan or whatever...so whatever the state can do to give them the best possible start they should do. The 'advantages' are there to offset the massive, massive disadvantages that being an adult with no 'family' who can support you gives you.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee - can you tell us if you are an ex-foster child yourself or SW? There seems to be real passion in your replies and I would be interested to know where that comes from.

I think you idealise 'normal' families if you think that they all fund their children through university or are there to 'pick up the pieces' etc. That certainly wasn't the case in my and my siblings family nor my husband's.

Many children and young people who don't end up in fc may not have had the deep trauma experienced by some foster children/young people but at the same time they certainly don't have the ideal life you describe.

@Kanaloa - when you say you are 'biased' what do you mean?

@cornishteas - very interesting points you make.

I can see why there is a massive shortage of foster carers if this is their attitude. I can see why they have it, but it will put off a lot of foster carers.

I know from experience the crazy amount of present giving some parents give to their kids in care to 'make up' somehow for their not looking after them properly/show they 'care'.

[quote Surburbia]@CloseYourEyesAndSee - can you tell us if you are an ex-foster child yourself or SW? There seems to be real passion in your replies and I would be interested to know where that comes from.

I think you idealise 'normal' families if you think that they all fund their children through university or are there to 'pick up the pieces' etc. That certainly wasn't the case in my and my siblings family nor my husband's.

Many children and young people who don't end up in fc may not have had the deep trauma experienced by some foster children/young people but at the same time they certainly don't have the ideal life you describe.[/quote]
I'm a social worker and manager and worked in leaving care services for years before qualifying

I don't idealise anything but I know what it's like for these YP who leave care at 18/21 with no enduring adult relationships outside of their dysfunctional birth families. Foster carers can be very fond of DC but they rarely maintain the relationships after leaving care. It's very rare and special when that happens and it can't be manufactured.

Very very few children leaving care go to university. A tiny number. So the local authorities pay for them to remove any possible barriers they may face. We are corporate parents and we want the best, the very best for 'our' children as we do for our own birth/adopted children/nieces and nephews etc.

I do find the air of resentment towards the 'extras' that children in care receive quite baffling when you consider their losses and harms they have experienced. Comparing children who have grown up in foster care to those who lived with non abusive birth families is bizarre. Where did I say that all children not in care have ideal lives? They have a variety of lives, some more advantaged than others, but none of them have experienced the deep trauma of separation from birth families following abuse/neglect/trauma. They are not the same situation at all.

My LA does not help care leavers to go to university. They would be expected to get a full loan and any bursary help from the university.

Interesting to hear that you are a SW and to hear your views and how they are expressed. It gives a real insight into how some SWs think. Thank you.

I think you might be unaware that many, many children experience deep trauma despite still living with their parents. I can think of many cases personally.

But as I say, interesting to hear your views and how they are expressed here on this public forum.

Well I grew up in and out of foster care, so have some first hand experience. It wasn’t my experience that we were ever at any type of advantage or were given any ‘extras.’

And of course many children experience trauma while still living with their parents - but that’s not really relevant to this situation as I’m sure op would have mentioned if she was cultivating a traumatic home life experience.

@Surburbia

Interesting to hear that you are a SW and to hear your views and how they are expressed. It gives a real insight into how some SWs think. Thank you.

I think you might be unaware that many, many children experience deep trauma despite still living with their parents. I can think of many cases personally.

But as I say, interesting to hear your views and how they are expressed here on this public forum.

Of course I'm aware of that. I work in child protection with many of those children. You might want to re read your posts too and reflect on how you express your views in a public forum.

I'm sorry for your disappointment but they did not know whatever you said at the last meeting - you've made it clear that was new information. The new part being the detail. You should have given this detail right at the beginning. It's really beyond your knowledge to assess how your DD's issues might affect a vulnerable child which is why your only job at this point is to disclose fully, which you clearly didn't do until you thought it was in the bag.

I'm genuinely sorry you're disappointed but I have a huge problem with your lack of transparency.

I guess I relaxed a bit, and felt like I was talking to a friend, and probably just gave a bit too much detail that honestly they did not need to know

You haven't quite got my two points.

1.You won't be aware of those children I mentioned who don't get picked up by child protection

1. I am not a social worker so my views are neither here nor there. You claim to be one and if you indeed are, it's not a good look that you're presenting.

And worse, it's putting off desperately needed foster carers.

Just wanted to say that my fc has had no extras from social services.
They have laptop, iPad, iPhone etc all provided by us.
Carers are required to save at least £10 per week for the child, this cannot be touched until they are 18 or given to them if they leave care before. This ensures that they have a little money behind them.
Our fc will be will us for as long as they want to stay. They are part of our family.
I know plenty of carers who still have contact with previous fc, some acting as grandparents to their children.
Can’t understand how anyone could begrudge a child in care anything given to them from Ss. They are their corporate parents, some of these children would prefer to be with their parents no matter what the circumstances.
These children can be moved at any time, imagine having that looming over your head throughout your childhood.
If birth children are not in a position to realise this then they are not mature enough to be part of a foster family.

@Cassimin
I wondered what happened to fc once they reach 18. I know there is the staying put scheme but does it pay the same as foster caring? I've read about foster carers 'giving up' their 18 year olds and I wonder if it's because they can't afford to keep them.

I mean yes, financially they get a fair bit but your birth/adopted children get to belong to a family for the rest of their lives whereas fostered children don't. I'm not being snippy, but that's why children leaving care get paid to go through university for example- they are very unlikely to have parents who will help them so who else should do it? They also probably won't have parents who can pick up the pieces when they are 25 and have their first serious break up or get kicked out of a flat or lose their job and need a loan or whatever...so whatever the state can do to give them the best possible start they should do. The 'advantages' are there to offset the massive, massive disadvantages that being an adult with no 'family' who can support you gives you

Yes of course there are massive disadvantages and it must be horrific to be a young adult without family support. As I have no biological family myself I understand that so well. So knowing that has made us continue to have our foster children as part of our family forever. I don't know if other foster carers are the same as us, but as we look after children on a long term/permanent basis, once they reach adulthood they do remain part of our family and are supported emotionally and practically in every way we can. Right now we have one young man aged 20 still living in the bedroom as he did as a child, another in his late 20s who lives in an annex we built him and a teenage girl still in foster carer. We support them in exactly the same way as our own children and they are just as much a part of our family as they are and will be forever (well unless they themselves decide differently of course!!). Thankfully all my children have treated the foster children as their siblings and have great relationships. However, it is true that the (ex) foster children are financially much better off because of the support they are entitled to because of being in care or as a care leaver. The example I think I mentioned was my son and my foster daughter both wanted an ipad. I could not afford either, but the girl was able to get a top of the range one from her social worker, but my son had to wait until we could afford a much cheaper amazon fire. Thankfully none of my own children have never resented this though which is the greatest blessing of all.

@cornishteas if that's the case in your family then you are some of the very very tiny minority who maintain relationships with foster children long term. There is also the aspect that many fostered children have attachment difficulties and find it very difficult to be part of a family and accept parental love. Many young people simply aren't ready to accept that kind of relationship from an adult carer when they are leaving care.

I really hope you understand that most children in care don't experience what your foster children have. So banging on about the iPad your FD received is just odd IMO. Maybe your FC didn't need extra support to make up for other disadvantages they experienced as fostered children doesn't mean most don't.

I really hope you understand that most children in care don't experience what your foster children have. So banging on about the iPad your FD received is just odd IMO. Maybe your FC didn't need extra support to make up for other disadvantages they experienced as fostered children doesn't mean most don't

I am very sorry to be "banging on", and I apologise for "being odd" and also to anyone else that I have upset. I realise I have come across very badly and only used the ipod as an illustration (I realise now I shouldn't have used such a stupid and pathetic example). Of course we have faced attachment difficulties, some truly severe examples actually, as we tend to look after those children with the most complex of needs, as well as three of our adopted children being severely autistic. Hopefully I haven't ruined the lives of too many of the children we have looked after over the past 30 years....but like all of us I just muddle through and try to do what seems right at the time. And that is all are loved. I shall leave this thread now to others who are more knowledgeable than me, and as it is upsetting me too, shall leave mumsnet also. Sorry again everyone for "banging on!"

@cornishteas - please don't apologise. You are being trolled by this supposed SW (I truly hope she isn't one - I think she's put me off thinking of becoming a foster carer!). Being called 'odd' - it's just online bullying. Unfortunately, mumsnet is renowned for being a toxic environment (much worse than reddit for eg) which is a real shame. No comment is moderated. Management on mumsnet is non-existent.

I wouldn't take anything this poster is saying seriously. If she IS a SW she should be sacked. She appears completely unprofessional and far, far too emotionally involved with her clients (the foster children she is placing). After all it isn't HER that has had the abuse, is it? It's worrying reading her posts that she might be an actual SW - and SW have a terrible reputation and someone on here who I respect doesn't rate many of them either.

You sound a like a really fantastic, caring foster carer who is giving so much back to society. Pat on the back to you. I have learned a lot here from you - I find the actual nitty gritty of foster caring fascinating and completely get what you are saying about material things being given to foster children. I think it's harmful if it means they don't learn to earn these items and material gifts can in no way make up for abuse.

I think your points are valid and useful to us prospective foster carers out there so please do NOT ever think you have come across badly just because you have been trolled online. I refuse to read any posts by the person who has said this here. She should be ashamed of herself.. But I shall look out for yours. PLEASE don't leave mumsnet! That's giving into the online trolls!

completely get what you are saying about material things being given to foster children. I think it's harmful if it means they don't learn to earn these items and material gifts can in no way make up for abuse.

It’s not about making up for abuse. It’s about ensuring a child who already stands out and is disadvantaged is given a helping hand up in the only way possible.

And for what it’s worth, my kids have iPads & toys. They didn’t ‘earn’ them. I, their mum, took extra shifts at work and saved up to buy them for Christmas and birthdays because I love them and want them to have some nice things. I don’t know any kids or young teens who have truly ‘earned’ all their material possessions. I think you’re getting way too hung up on the fact that some foster children are occasionally given items that aren’t given to children who don’t need extra support.