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Fostering

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Original poster

My sisters children are going to be removed

560 replies

Namechange543 · 04/07/2020 15:42

Name changed for this but hoping someone can offer some advice.

My sisters children are going to be removed, there is a court hearing on Tuesday to decide this but with the overwhelming evidence against her and the fact they’ve been on a child protection plan for so long with her making no positive steps it’s only going to go one way.

The social worker tells me once the judge has made a decision they will speak to family about placements for them. I really want to help but the problem is she has 3 children and I already have 2 of my own so I can’t take them all. I have a 4 bed house so couldn’t fit them even if I could cope with 5 children.

Will they want them to stay together or will they split them to keep them with family? And if they do split them how on earth do you decide which 1 you take?

It’s such a nightmare. My mum could take 1 and I could take 1 but then do we leave the 1 not chosen to go into foster care. How damaging would that be! I’ve cried so much this week with the guilt that I can’t help them all.

OP posts:
DuDuDuLangaLangaBingBong · 04/07/2020 17:53

This must be heartbreaking for you, OP.

I’ve read all your posts and it really sounds like these children will be best with experienced foster carers, carers who understand how the system works and how to effectively advocate for them and fight for the ongoing professional support they need. This is far beyond a typical family-foster scenario and it can be very difficult to access help for children with long term needs, without the adding complication of which authority pays the bills.

You will be able to help them more effectively by being properly in their lives as an auntie, sticking to a regular visiting schedule and demonstrating how you will always show up for all of them equally. You can also facilitate your mum’s contact, so that they have the same long term commitment from nana. Taking them in and not being able to cope will be more damaging in the long term, as will keeping only one or two.

Simon you sound like a fantastic dad, your fierce protection of your son radiates out of your posts, he is very lucky to have you (and you feel lucky to have him too, I’m sure)

RhodaCamel · 04/07/2020 17:54

Im so sorry you are facing this awful dilemma. It’s a similar situation which occurred within our family only there were/are 7 children involved. One was so violent that, at 12 has been removed from the family and placed in care miles away, we fear that this child will grown up to physical hurt or kill someone, they are so very angry and traumatised. Several of the others are now in adulthood, have no jobs and are currently starting the whole vicious cycle again by having children of their own. I really don’t know what the answer is in these awful situations and yes, the children have been seriously let down but not by you, please don’t blame yourself.

TARSCOUT · 04/07/2020 17:54

If so do you mind if I private message you one of the reports from school from last year?
OP you can't seriously consider doing this. Much as you are in a terrible position, this is unthinkable.

Atadaddicted · 04/07/2020 17:55

Bloody hell
Hell. Yes. I would resent my sister if she did this.

I would hate her with every fibre of my being.
Encouraging her children to have gladiator type fights? Chronic and incredibly and sustained neglect and abuse - I would hardly be able to look at her

TeeBee · 04/07/2020 17:55

Honestly OP, if you have two children of your own, I really wouldn't rush to take them in...particularly if they have behavioural issues. It will impact on your own children. Your children are your responsibility. I have been in the same situation and seeing the problems my niece and nephew have had, it would have had a massive impact on my children and their lives, and how much attention and energy I could give to them. What happens when your mum gets too old to take care of them?

ballsdeep · 04/07/2020 17:58

@PegasusReturns

You can’t split them up Shock

I’d do what you can to squeeze them in to your house. Presumably you have a spare room, could the DC not double up?

I’m afraid I can’t imagine having my DNs go into foster care on the basis that my DC would have to share a room. Sad

Completely agree. Id rather them all be squashed in and together. There would be no other option for me
gumball37 · 04/07/2020 17:58

My thoughts.

5 yo goes with grandma. Other 2 with you. Yes.... I k ow what you said about their violent fighting. But you also said they're better with you. I think you should try to see if you can help them. The age of your older kids is also a factor in my opinion. They're much older...almost adults. If you had you g children who would likely be targets... I would say their safety would be put first.

CelticTigger · 04/07/2020 17:59

5 kids can’t fit in 3 bedrooms? Really?

Hardbackwriter · 04/07/2020 17:59

@Evelefteden

Take the nine year old and five year old. You do have the space.

You can’t turn your back on one child. You've got to at least try.

There are quite a few posts with this sort of logic, that the OP should try even if she thinks it won't work out so that she doesn't have the guilt of not giving it a go. In my opinion that would be tremendously selfish. The additional trauma that would come from an attempted new life with auntie that then breaks down will be significant. Putting the children through that, when they've already been through so much, so that an adult can feel they've tried would be so awful.
Thinkingg · 04/07/2020 18:00

@ballsdeep have you actually read the thread? The children are so violent that they can't be left alone together. So being so judgemental.

Atadaddicted · 04/07/2020 18:00

@ballsdeep

Completely agree. Id rather them all be squashed in and together. There would be no other option for me

Have you bothered to read the OP’s posts?

These boys - the violence is such that there has been hospitalisation and there is sexual abuse.

So “squashed up” is really shit advice

2bazookas · 04/07/2020 18:01

It sounds as if being fostered separately might be best for all of them.

Whatever happens I hope they'll be near enough so you and your mother can maintain family contact with them

dottiedodah · 04/07/2020 18:01

TBH It sounds like a nightmare situation for you all .In your position it will be very difficult to take any of them .The impact on your own family would be dreadful! They need trained Foster families and will be challenging to say the least!

Anniemabel · 04/07/2020 18:02

When you say one child has sexually abused another do you mean one sibling abused another sibling? If that’s the case then surely you can’t keep them together and the one who’s done the abusing should be kept separately from the other two for the protection of the other two.

Atadaddicted · 04/07/2020 18:02

Those posters saying

“Take them all” and essentially I couldn’t live with myself If I didn’t blah blah are being so selfish.

They are not putting these children first.
They are worrying about how they personally would feel

ballsdeep · 04/07/2020 18:02

[quote Atadaddicted]@ballsdeep

Completely agree. Id rather them all be squashed in and together. There would be no other option for me

Have you bothered to read the OP’s posts?

These boys - the violence is such that there has been hospitalisation and there is sexual abuse.

So “squashed up” is really shit advice[/quote]
Obviously not! Sorry op Blush

ComeBy · 04/07/2020 18:04

Blimey, the guilt tripping of the OP here...

OP I have worked (in a particular extra-curriculum project) with children like your poor DNs and I would not be surprised if SS thought they might be better off with foster parents, each as the only child in the home, and with FP who are experienced in troubled teens. So that each can get undivided attention and not feel jealous or competitive with other children in the house.

I think it would be wholly unfair on your own kids to bring deeply troubled and violent kids into your home as they are doing and approaching GCSEs. The stress will be immense.

Sadly these children will need lots of experienced care and attention. And with services so stretched they probably won't get it.

I honestly think the best thing you and your Mum can do is remain as loving family contact - visits, days out, birthday cakes and presents, etc.

It is an absolutely heartbreaking situation, but being guilt tripped into taking even one of them is not the answer.

Original poster
Namechange543 · 04/07/2020 18:04

@2bazookas I will absolutely be asking for contact. I don’t care if I have to drive to the other side of the country to see them. I want them to always know that they are loved. I think adoption isn’t going to be an option for any of them so contact should be agreed surely.

OP posts:
Someone1987 · 04/07/2020 18:06

While I acknowledge that it would be best to keep them in the family, expecting the OP to extend her house and take on 3 extra children for an indefinite amount of time, is a lot to ask physically and emotionally.

DisobedientHamster · 04/07/2020 18:08

@Atadaddicted

Those posters saying

“Take them all” and essentially I couldn’t live with myself If I didn’t blah blah are being so selfish.

They are not putting these children first.
They are worrying about how they personally would feel

Oh, people always try to guilt trip and shame and say 'I would' when they have no fucking clue and it doesn't apply to them anyhow.

People are mighty free and easy with others' times, lives, property, money, space.

ComeBy · 04/07/2020 18:08

R T F T people.

Anyone, such as who has not RTFT really needs to not comment until they have.

All it takes is to click on the new button to see all the OPs posts. How much does it take? On a sensitive painful thread?

Chathamhouserules · 04/07/2020 18:09

OP I have worked (in a particular extra-curriculum project) with children like your poor DNs and I would not be surprised if SS thought they might be better off with foster parents, each as the only child in the home, and with FP who are experienced in troubled teens. So that each can get undivided attention and not feel jealous or competitive with other children in the house.
This sounds like great advice. Space for each of them to recover (if that's possible). With lots of visits from auntie and gran.

Original poster
Namechange543 · 04/07/2020 18:12

@Anniemabel Yes that’s right. That’s why the oldest one can’t be with the others.

OP posts:
Alpacamabags · 04/07/2020 18:15

A very different scenario I know but I once spent 3 months breaking my heart that an 8 year old I taught with complex needs was being moved to a residential school as his Foster carers couldn't cope any more. I felt guilty and responsible, I genuinely had fallen in love with him. He had significant health needs which were very complex and I was sure no one else could look after him like I could. I wanted to protect him.
My husband talked me down. We didn't even have our own kids and had only been married a year. Both worked full time and no way we could have given him what he needed.
He went to the school and is more than thriving. He's hard work and constant so having shift workers means he's always with someone refreshed and positive rather than an exhausted family. I'm so relieved for all of our sakes that we didn't proceed with Foster.
On another note worth bearing in mind, another complex boy was permanently fostered by a family and had been since days old. When I asked (he was 10) why he wasn't adopted the carers told me they loved him as their own and he would in their eyes always be his son but if they adopted them the support and respite they got would be vastly reduced as its then not social works problem. So very sad. 😭

sanityisamyth · 04/07/2020 18:15

@Anniemabel

When you say one child has sexually abused another do you mean one sibling abused another sibling? If that’s the case then surely you can’t keep them together and the one who’s done the abusing should be kept separately from the other two for the protection of the other two.

It would also surely mean that any potential foster homes would not have children too. I don't know how common these would be? I don't know much about fostering