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Forces sweethearts

If you have a family member in the Royal Navy, RAF or army, find support from other Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

husband having affair.

51 replies

ambercat · 08/09/2008 22:19

Ok, my h has been having an affair since xmas with a girl in the army. He is in the marines, they have been working together.

I found out in april when he left me saying he didn't love me anymore. He wasn't going to tell me about ow but i found out anyway.

Today i found pics of them having sex on his laptop and emails from her worrying about them being found out about by other people (i assume her boss).

What i want to know is ,is there anyway of letting her superior officers know what she has been doing? will this sort of revelation affect her career? I always thought the forces frowned on this sort of thing but i don't know how to go about exposing them. Can anyone help?

OP posts:
SandyChick · 09/09/2008 10:05

Hi ambercat, hope your feeling a little better this morning.

I dont blame you for wanting to get back at him. I would be feeling exactly the same as you.

How old are your children? You need to think of them and how they are going to feel about the actions you are thinking of taken. Regardless of what he's done to you he's still their daddy.

I know your feeling like crap now but you have to keep your chin up. I think the only way to get back at your H is to get on with your life. Dont waste anymore time on him. If what you've said is true about him cheating on you in the past then you need to forget about him and move on. You need to be the bigger person here, dont stoop to his level, your better than that

Call your friends and arrange a night out. Treat yourself to a new outfit and get your hair done. Go out and enjoy yourself and forget about him.

morningpaper · 09/09/2008 10:11

oh ambercat I am sorry to see this

How are you today? Are you getting any advice, do you have anyone wise you can talk to? Can you deal with the practical things?

Romy7 · 09/09/2008 10:19

ambercat, are you in MQs or your own home?

you could always call your welfare/ families contact or SSAFA if you need someone to go through things with without informing chain of command? padre?

the sad fact is that as a single girl of equal rank there is very little that could be done - it would usually be your h that would be moved if the relationship failed the 'service test' ie could they still work together without affecting the operational capability of the unit...

maybe find someone to talk it through with confidentially before you decide whether to do anything? obviously if you are in MQ (i am assuming not) then you really do need to discuss your options with welfare/ families officer etc...

hope you are feeling stronger this morning.

Original poster
ambercat · 09/09/2008 11:33

Not in mq. He has been in house while i was on school run and taken all his stuff. He still has another weeks leave before he goes back to work til xmas so don't know where hes staying, don't really care tbh. Its the kids though what do i tell them? they have loved having him home these last few days and now hes fucked off.

Guess will find out in a few weeks whether his threat of stopping my money comes true!

OP posts:
WilyWombat · 09/09/2008 11:38

For my money I would forward them to her superiors, not out of revenge but because unless she can behave in a professional manner she should not be doing the job.

There must be loads of single men she could have had relationships with - if its part of the deal that she doesnt then her employers should know.

Imnotok · 09/09/2008 11:43

I am so sorry for you listen to this and remember it
"Living well is the best revenge"

Imnotok · 09/09/2008 11:43

I am so sorry for you listen to this and remember it
"Living well is the best revenge"

OLIVIASMAMA · 09/09/2008 12:21

Dont do it - distance yourself from the whole situation as much as you possibly can. Really tough I know. Similar happened to me about 6 years ago and I totally understand where you're coming from in wanting to get revenge...BUT...you have already said that DH has "treated you like shit for 13 years", surely you don't want that for yourself let alone your DC, I assume that because of his behaviour towards you your relationship has made you unhappy, this is a time for you to gain control and make a happy and good future for your family, it's soul destroying to live with this behaviour for a long time and I found it took away a lot of my confidence. If you address this situation correctly you and your childrens future could be really happy. Be positive, you can do it, I'm sure living as you have done will have made you an independant woman but I understand exactly what is behind your anger, channel it in the right direction and rather than go down the "I'll ruin their career" route, try "I'll make myself and my family financially secure in our future and ensure that I get absolutely everything I am entitled to from him" and "have a happy life rather than be the wife of a habitual philanderer who has no respect for me, who makes me unhappy and who is never there anyway".

Easy for me to say I know and it is very tough to pull off but be strong and lean on the people that love you.......and the red wine.

ForeverOptimistic · 09/09/2008 12:30

Agree with Imnotok. You are better than them, if you do let their superiors know your h will blame you for messing up his life. Don't allow him that. He is responsbible for his actions and it sounds as if he is doing a good enough job of cocking up his own life, he doesn't need you to help him.

If he does get fired or demoted he will be on less money and you and your children will suffer. Revenge only feels good in the short term. Keep the photos and use them in the divorce settlement if necessary and then return them to him.

One year from now you will be in such a better place than he will be and you will have your self respect.

scaryteacher · 09/09/2008 12:37

Remember to get the pension split when you do the financial settlements if you do split up.

Original poster
ambercat · 09/09/2008 12:40

don't worry, my feeling of revenge has gone this morning, can't be bothered with them!

Until april, i had a great life, i had a husband who loved me and was faithful and although he was away alot we always had fun together when he was home. The kids adore him and he them (i thought).

This has turned my world upside down. Trying to get my head round the fact my h is a liar and a cheat and nothing like the man i thought he was is very hard.

Don't know where he is or if hes planning to come and see kids. He has ignored the text i sent asking if i should cancel my night shift on friday, i'm trying not to contact him again, will let him make contact.

Told him last night i would happily never see him again, looks like hes taken it on board. My poor children

OP posts:
Original poster
ambercat · 09/09/2008 12:42

hes supposed to be getting details of his pensions so i can take it to an actuary and get it valued. may have to do it all through solicitors now.

OP posts:
rrrayray · 09/09/2008 12:48

Ambercat. I'm glad that this morning you seem to have got over the revenge. As the one thing that worries/worried me about the idea of revenge is what it would do to the relationship of your children and their father. As much of an absolute as he has been, surely you don't want to severe the ties for them too?

I hope you come to some kind of solution as to what to do. Is there someone who knows him and you that you can talk to? Someone who sort of knows the situation, but not too emmotionally involved!

Big Hugs- xxxxxxx

scaryteacher · 09/09/2008 12:56

Ambercat - look it up girl on the MOD website and see how much he'll get. You may have to use the Army rates and then work out what the equivalent rank is, but it isn't hard to do. I like to keep a beady eye on what it is from time to time!

Don't forget that there is also a tax free gratuity worth 3 times salary if he is in AFP75. It will be different if he changed to the 05 scheme - so you must check which scheme he is in.

kerryk · 09/09/2008 13:57

only read the first few posts so sorry if i repeat things.

i know the grown up thing to do would be to leave it but i would want revenge like you.

hell i would even send the news of the world/sun the pictures if i thought they would be interested

sorry you are going through this though.

ilovedora · 16/11/2008 11:05

No offence, but at the end of the day, if there career is black marked...they knew it could happen when it they started the affair.
Go for it, theres one easy solution...print them and post them to to 'CO' they'll get there!
Or as most of the top guys are family men, write a heart felt letter, that you have tried to get touch...this is a last resort...what he has done has ruined your family life....or take it the sun and get paid for it

Personally i'd fine out who she was and kick the living crap out of her, and make the pictures into flyers and post them all down her street.

Then go out have a wild night and meet young stud to have an enjoyable evening ;)

At the end of the day your still talking about it so its seriously affect your confidence..pity you didnt cut up his clothes before he moved out but remember no matter what you o to him, never let your kids see how much you hate or hear you slagging him off...they'll learn what a wanker he is in time.

BBeingpatient · 16/11/2008 11:20

i am a malicious bitch so i would threaten him with give me everythign i want (municipally, property etc) and i wont post thme to CO, then once i'd got it, either do it anysay, or keep for future use.

i dont react well to hurt but he seems really evil

BennyAndJoon · 17/11/2008 21:16

Ambercat - how are you doing?

debzmb62 · 17/11/2008 21:54

i would be 100% the same i would want revenge maybe first send the pics to somewhere safe !! so if he deleats them !

Original poster
ambercat · 17/11/2008 22:15

I had forgotton about this thread, i was very drunk when i started it.

Thank you for all the lovely advice and support, i feel much stronger now. H is still away so we are communicting by email/msn. I think he is starting to regret his decsision.

Don't think we can go back after everything i have found out but we may go to relate in the new year. Not really sure what i want atm so am focusing on me and the children and will worry about the future when he gets back at christmas.....look out for me pissed and ranting then, i feel like this is the calm before the storm!!

OP posts:
hf128219 · 17/11/2008 22:17

Good luck Amber - hope it all works out for the best

BennyAndJoon · 17/11/2008 22:23

Hope it works out for you - in whatever way is best for you and DC

I found out about my DH infidelity recently, and tbh it has made us stronger as a couple, he repented completely, and we are moving forward

BUT, that was partly to do with how HE reacted. as in he completely committed to us again.

I have been through another marriage break up years ago, when he didn't admit there was someone else, just moved out. And you know what? Within days I was happier without him than I had been with, without really realising that I had been unhappy with him.

What I am saying is that you will be fine either way

ramble ramble ramble

Naive · 17/11/2008 22:29

I'm not in the forces sweethearts club but I came across your thread and got drawn in. Hope you don't think I'm sticking my nose in, but why on earth would they film it and leave it on the laptop if they wern't wanting to run the risk of getting caught?

I've no idea whether exposing them is wrong ir right, you should probably look into the consequences online a lot more first. I doubt you'll feel any better in the long run.

I'd say the best thing to do is act like you don't give a shit about him. Don't let him have the satisfaction of seeing you hurt. You're obviously worth a lot more and it's his loss, so it's easy to say this, but you will feel better in time.

Hope you feel better in the morning. Remember you're in the middle of the storm but soon the whole thing will pass. They should both be utterly ashamed of themselves.

Original poster
ambercat · 17/11/2008 22:29

Thanks guys, h still seems to want to keep his options open mentions wanting to try again but when i bring up trust, honesty and fidelity he goes quiet!.

His life is so far from reality atm i don't think he will realise what he has lost til he comes home and has to sort out housing etc for himself. Then it will probably be too late

Anyway, am fed up with thinking about the whole mess! Trying to sort out my life without him and so far its ok(ish).

OP posts:
Naive · 17/11/2008 22:30

Oops sorry didn't realise it was an old thread. Me and my big feet and big nose...

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