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Original poster

I am fed up of being made to feel like a bad mother...

383 replies

fedupofgoody2shoes · 24/10/2005 16:00

on MN. Most of the time I oove it but recently there have been far too many gasps and rolling eyes (well if we could see each others eyes that is).

Yes - I breastfed and will do again
I use disposable nappies
I used a mixture of homemade food and jars when weaning
I have a freezer with readymeals in it as well as home made meals
My kids have crisps and biscuits

I will never use washable nappies (I have a life)
I will never breastfeed and my bottle fed kids are healthier than some kids I know who were breastfed until they were 2.5. My kids have no allergies at all and that includes ezcema, asthma etc.

Please - give us mums who choose alternative ways a break and stop all this goody 2 shoes attitude with people. there is no need to look down your noses. Not everyone has time to spend washing nappies and cooking all day. Some of us have full time jobs, school runs, house to keep, dancing and swimming lessons, and some people don't take to breastfeeding. If powder milk was so bad they wouldn't sell it!

Please stop making people feel so judged (not all of MN is like this but there are a select few!)

OP posts:
bosscat · 25/10/2005 21:49

HMC you are on form tonight. Your memory is brilliant. I agree with everything you say and am a bit baffled by the "do people really say things like that" comments. Nooooooo women are never bitchy, they are always supportive and understanding to each other. They never get personal or show off or get smug or upset anyone.

parpparpparpparpparp

Pruni · 25/10/2005 21:49

Message withdrawn

spidermama · 25/10/2005 21:51

This is my point though.

I leave my kids in the car. I am an extended breast feeder. But comments which accuse me of taking terrible risks or abusing my children by feeding them just don't get to me.

I was very upset once though.

The first thread I started really did get to me. I was talking about my 3.5 year old son's penchant for dresses and people said things like,
'you're setting him up for bullying', 'It's your job to protect him' and 'You shouldn't force your son to be a conduit for social change'.

The comments genuinely upset me and they also affected my attitude to my ds's dressing habits. He still changes into a dress the minute he returns home ever day (and lip gloss which he found - I don't wear it by the way) but I discourage him from wearing dresses outside the house these days.

Dropinthe · 25/10/2005 21:51

Parp if I have missed those threads/comments-I'm not on here 24/7 you know!

Mental note-must try harder-must try harder!

NotQuiteCockney · 25/10/2005 21:52

Pruni, posted which?

It wasn't me who made the original carseat comparison. I understand why it went wrong, we are so so so twitchy about carseats now (me included). But it was an interesting illustration of the misunderstandings that happen so easily here.

handlemecarefully · 25/10/2005 21:53

Yes NQC granted; I'll go with the argument that it isn't advised statistically - but it was still a bit of a crass / insensitive example don't you think? Don't see why you should regret your post btw - it's a valid point of debate and all that

Bosscat - thanks for that

NotQuiteCockney · 25/10/2005 21:54

I remember that thread SM. I was quite boggled by it too. My DS1 seems to be conforming to gender stereotypes now (the wonders of school) but I liked him being mellow about these things.

I'm sorry you discourage him from wearing dresses out. Had you actually faced any hassle, out and about, about it?

NotQuiteCockney · 25/10/2005 21:56

hmc, I absolutely see why it went wrong, carseats are almost a religious issue now.

Also, the comparison isn't really fair: if you don't use a carseat, and you have a crash, presumably you'll know the lack of a carseat caused the problem: you won't be thinking, hmmm, is that a hereditary problem?

I don't know what a good comparison would be, though.

Wordsmith · 25/10/2005 21:57

It seems to me that a lot of regular posters see Mumsnet as something akin to a cosy chat around the fire with a glass of wine, and if someone in that situation said something that seemed to be a direct criticism of your lifestyle/parenting choices, they you'd probably feel a bit peeved, so I can understand that.

The fact is a lot of us (perhaps most), while we do feel satisfied with our choices and actions in general, are aware of the fact that no-one's perfect. I can't pinpoint of specific examples on this website but in real life I have heard the following comments aimed either at me or people I know:

"Mothers who give up on breastfeeding are just lazy"

"Why on earth is she [a mutual friend] bothering to have another child if she's going back to work after three months?"

"Have you really contributed shop-bought cakes to the class cake-stall?"

"I know it's difficult for everyone to come along to the 3.30pm Key Stage 1 literacy meeting on Monday afternoon [translation: I know you can't be bothered....] but it really does make such a difference when parents show an interest" (another parent said this, not a teacher)

When informed that a friend was planning a caesarian for child no 2, after a very long and difficult birth for her first child: "That's dreadful - surely she could just try?"

Now logically thinking I know we should realise that people all have different demands on their time, finances and brain-power, but that doesn't mean that those of us who have had to compromise on the ideal don't sometimes get a little twicthy when reminded of it. On a good day, we can say Oh F*&k them" but on a bad day they can really hurt.

I try and take the view that a perceived insult from someone on Mumsnet is the same as from a thoughtless stranger - ie someone you don't know and will never meet. It doesn't matter.

spidermama · 25/10/2005 21:57

He's started to have comments NQC. He still changes into dresses from the dressing up box the second he arrives at pre-school, but now he's nearly four he gets comments every day.

It's not just the dresses, he loves butterflies and picking flowers too.

I love him to bits for it but have been made more aware of the need to give some sort of protection or show him how he can choose not to be teased.

It's a careful balancing act though because I love him in his fairy world.

SenoraPostrophe · 25/10/2005 22:00

oh bless him, sm. I think it's great. He'll make the connection soon enough anyway.

NotQuiteCockney · 25/10/2005 22:01

Well, I'm glad you're supportive of him. I don't know how you prevent/reduce bullying, but I'm sure supportive parents help.

I do despair of people's emphasis on gender stereotypes. I know of dads who disapprove of their sons having prams. This cracks me up - presumably, underneath, they're thinking pram = gay. Which isn't the most logical connection I've heard!

handlemecarefully · 25/10/2005 22:04

Brilliant Wordsmith!

I'm off now to chew the fat with neglected dh...

Wordsmith · 25/10/2005 22:04

When DS1 was 3 he went to a little friend's birthday party (male) and at the end tried to give him a hug and kiss him goodbye. The little boy stiffened up and his dad said to me "Harry doesn't hugh and kiss other boys, he shakes their hand."

DS1 was totally confused. I could have cried for him and for poor Harry.

(Apropos of the gender confusion diversion the thread has taken).

hunkerpumpkin · 25/10/2005 22:05

LOL NQC! Yes, how many of those men who object to their sons having prams are the ones in the pub proudly proclaiming their new baby makes them godlike heterosexual stallions! PMSL!

Wordsmith · 25/10/2005 22:05

Thanks HMC. I think your posts are generally pretty well thought out too (creep smarm.)

Yes I am supposed to be working as well....

NotQuiteCockney · 25/10/2005 22:06

And how many gay men push prams? Oh, I despair.

Wordsmith · 25/10/2005 22:06

Sorry, I meant Harry didn't hug, not hugh....

bosscat · 25/10/2005 22:15

spidermama your ds sounds brilliant. What a little star, he would so get on with my ds1 who seems to have permanent "jazz hands" approach to life. Other people look at him quizzically but I love him even more for it tbh. He's a bit different but thank god for that!

wordsmith, excellent post.

weesaidie · 25/10/2005 22:19

Good post from wordsmith.

Nobody is responsible for anyone elses feelings but I do think people should be aware of them. People are always judging and I try to not let it bother me but that is not always the case.

weesaidie · 25/10/2005 22:20

And when I say judging I mean everyone does it and of course if they vocalise a negative judgement of you it can hurt. That much is obvious.

spidermama · 25/10/2005 22:21

boss, 'jazz hands' I love it. Good for him.

wordsmith my ds had the same when he tried to kiss his friend goodbye and his friend recoiled. The friend's dad has already admitted to me that he only kisses his daughters, not his sons, who are 4 and 2 by the way.
And he's a respectable psychologist.

hunkerpumpkin · 25/10/2005 22:23

I think part of the problem is that people on here can be VERY sensitive to comments NOT intended to be hurtful or judgemental at all. The addition of emoticons to posts can help sometimes, and obviously sometimes there are posts that are just downright shocking.

However, I seem to be putting my foot in it rather too regularly on here recently

weesaidie · 25/10/2005 22:32

I don't think there is anything wrong with voicing an opinion but I just think it is too easy to say that people should be tough enough to just ignore it. I am! but I am sure some people will be hurt. That happens in RL and MN and is fair enough but I just don't think people should dismiss peoples feelings too easily.

But I think most people on MN are sensitive (enough) in general and that includes hunker!

spidermama · 25/10/2005 22:32

Nonsense. You're a top poster Hunker.

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