Some posters are more equal on here than others...

[poshsinglemum]

And I'm not one of them.

Yesterday I posted a problem that was virtually identical to another posters problem. While she got support and bumlicky pukey love, I got vilified and told I was desperate etc.

I've got the hump.

So I'm offski (until I come back with my tail between my legs.)Or not.

I asked you if you were new to Mumsnet lysithia, because you may not have seen the amount of truly brilliant and overwhelming support that is all over this site. The only threads you have participated in so far have been regarding so called bullying.

And like Udderly says, the attacks from PSM on another poster were low and uncalled for.

huddle

Without getting into the ins and outs of harshness, which has been taken care of already, my feeling is that the OP might be feeling 'desperate' to have a father for her daughter, because of the tremendous guilt of not having one.

This is the one reason I felt desperate enough to date a couple of men, and briefly put myself on a dating site - though I never met with any of the (actually nice and polite and well educated) men I had emails from.

It was simply that I felt absolutely distraught that my child was missing out on a relationship with his father. It was awful to know that he effectively didn't have a father around and was relying solely on me and my (what I felt was deeply lacking) parenting.

Later I had another child and that was the point at which things turned around mentally and I felt like a proper mother, ie good enough.

Before that I never felt good enough and that's why I felt I had to find someone - anyone nice, really - to be ds's father.

I'm more confident now but at the time it was a terrible feeling. I think it might explain the OP's situation a bit, on the other hand it might not, but anyway, that's my suggestion.

well earwicga no I'm not new, have posted for years on many threads. I have received wonderful support myself from the Stately Homes thread and it was done in a far more compassionate manner than some of you are capable of.

I have namechanged to suit my change in outlook, now that I am more confident thanks to that lovely sensitive support and advice I got

I was bullied for years and abused by a family member who used much the same gaslighting shit that is spouted on here

You have to be cruel to be kind
some people are over sensitive
tell it like it is, some people need the black and white treatment

The fact is earwicga when you have been bullied you do become co-dependent and a bit needy at times. I have been there. But you don't respond to further bullying tactics dressed up as blunt advice. Do you think a counsellor would take that approach?

But I suspect for some of you it isn't about genuine kindness and compassion - you just spot someone who radiates that kind of vulnerability that is easy to prey on.

If PSM attacked someone I am not surprised. She was probably provoked after the nastiness she received. But then bullies love that too. To snipe and put you down until you respond in justified anger and then they whinge about being offended.

If I want to post on threads about bullying I damn well will do so. I don't like some of the things I see on here and I am entitled to say so.

Well said lysithia

Generally nasty thread

The other thing is that changing from self loathing and constantly seeking external validation can take years. Years of therapy, years of searching yourself and in my case years of posting on here.

It doesn't happen overnight or in response to some so called 'wake up call' by a stranger on the internet. I got to know some posters over a long time and we supported each other. It may mean getting to the root of issues that are from childhood and complex to unravel

People aren't black and white, they are complicated. As are bullies, who need to project onto others what they secretly hate about themselves.

Very interesting that you mention projection in your last sentence lysithia.

The thing is I knew that would be your response because it is so predictable. But you know direct your goading and sniping at me instead and not at someone who is actually being hurt by it like PSM

What is it with projection being flung about as an insult all over the shop, in the last few weeks?

It happens, but it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

(not talking about you, Ilythia - just in general)

Yes I don't see what projection has to do with it. I'm assuming it's meant as a way of implying that what lysithia is saying is biased in some way. Bit playground-y. One could respond to every comment made on MN with 'oh, you're projecting'. Not a very intelligent response.

I do believe that when someone is so viciously angered by another's supposed weakness, then it is often because they despise that weakness in themselves.

If I cried at my step-father's rages he would yell at me to stop being a snivelling wimp. He hated perceived weakness and would pounce on it. But I think he knew deep down that he was damaged by his own childhood and had been rendered powerless by a violent, alcoholic father. The fear of that weakness, drove him to bully others in the same way.

I'm with you, Ilythia. And I totally understand where you're coming from.

I got hauled over the coals recently on a very different thread and every second post was someone saying 'gosh isn't she projecting a lot? Projection, hmm, yes, it's dreadful '

as though it even mattered.