What am I doing wrong? Attention from men

[Treetopssofee]

WTF

I'm a happily invisible to men menopausal woman.

Until the last month or so! Men are paying me attention and I don't know why, I don't like it, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I've done to unwittingly encourage it.

What am I doing wrong? I like the safety of being irrelevant and invisible and unfuckable. For context I was a very early "developed" tween and got a lot of unwanted attention from grown men which I've been delighted to age out of.

I don't make it my job to make small talk with performatively lonely looking older men in coffee shops

I don't make myself small for man splainers.

I don't laugh at shit jokes

I don't step out of the way first on footpaths

Maybe it’s pheromones? Or perhaps your ‘give no shits’ face has edged across into ‘dominatrice face’ without you noticing.

Or perhaps you’ve got a spring in your step from having come out the other side of menopause?

I want to figure out what "use" they think I am to them, so that I can give off loud and clear NOPE vibes

IMO men don't see women as fellow humans. They can be decent enough to their inner circle, like women in their family etc, but beyond that they only see you if you have a use.

Might be sex
Might be nurse
Might be that they think they can manipulate you at work and get away with half assed work

But there has to be a use to SEE you

And if you're no use to them you might as well just be a pigeon on a rooftop that they pass without really registering

I've been a pigeon for years

Occasionally an older male neighbour will give me the time of day until they realise that I'm absolutely not driving them to their hospital appointments, and then they think I'm an awful woman for not doing favours they don't expect from the men on our street, and never speak to me again.

It's not pheromones because it's happening when I'm driving. Men are making eye contact, smiling and acknowledging my existence, and NOT to tell me I'm driving wrong when I'm not

Why?

There's a particular demographic who are noticing me a lot, roughly 15 years younger ISH, often but not always with small kids, like school run dads. But others outside that range too, they're the worst offenders.

What are they after?

I haven't got sexier, or less grumpy

If it's Dom vibes, well I've always been a bit of a bitch to men, I had to be when I was younger because men are awful

So why have I been demoted from pigeon to noticible useful for ???? human?

Younger, school run dads… maybe they feel good about themselves by being warm and friendly to someone. They’ve realised it takes a village so they are trying to build one?
And you aren’t threatening.

I get it’s disconcerting. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be noticed, having lived abroad for a while, then been pregnant and either vomiting or whale like. Had a bloke I asked for directions leaning into my car and being uber chatty. Took me a while to catch on, it was so far from my thoughts 🙄

Here's a wild and crazy thought - your assumption that men could only possibly be interested in you because they want something from you might just be wrong.

Maybe they're just treating you like another adult human and trying to be friendly.

Don't want to be their friends
Being friends with men doesn't work out in women's favour

I would like to go back to being not considered as friend material by men, like I have happily been since I went and got old and useless to look at

How do I unsubscribe?

Possibly they are not actually interested in you, maybe they're just being friendly as they don't see you in that way? I talk to anyone when I am out and about locally and I certainly don't want anything except to pass the time of day.

Or like the likes of Joe Swash who makes a beeline for older women who he thinks will be grateful for being flirted with?

I'm not up for that.

I'm also not up for helping half assed dads to parent their kids out in public

How do I communicate this?. I was doing a grand job of it up until now

They didn't see me in ANY way once I went and started looking old on em

And that was fine by me

What's changed?

So you are driving and get to notice who looks at you and how they look at you with so many details?
If your perception of reality is true, maybe you’re over the other side as a sweet nice mature lady who draws out the nurturing side in all these strange men.
OP I think you’re reading too much into this.
I disagree that men only notice women if it benefits them or has the potential to benefit them.
There is such as thing whereby men (and women) are civil and follow a code of morals because they were brought up properly and are not entirely selfish.

What do you think is going on OP? And maybe you're a little flattered?

Potential cocklodgers looking for their next new home

Sadly as people can't read your mind they will not be able to tell in advance who you are or are not willing to pass the time of day with.

Maybe if you just told every man to go fuck themselves, word will get around?

Absolutely not flattered

I had a f-ing lifetimes worth of unwanted "flattery" from older men when I was young and very very VERY much enjoyed aging off their radar!

Its far far far safer to be invisible to men, than to have them being friendly at you

Funnily enough they were well able to assess from looking at me that I was no use to them for the last decade or so and I've been able to navigate the world mostly in peace without men bothering with me in any way

Why the change now though?

I notice you say they make eye contact ... it takes two to do that. Whether you like it or not seems like you have woken a bit.

Also, all these men, all wanting to know you, get to know you, to connect ... wow, this doesn't often happen even to nice, ordinary attractive women who would like to meet someone.

Where is it you live? Roughly?

This. ^

Puts me in mind of this meme... 😂

@Treetopssofee 100% guarantee these men are just being friendly and polite. Or maybe (as someone said earlier) they are trying to cheer you up and make you feel good about yourself by paying attention to you.

Do you think they all fancy you?

Do you bear a passing resemblance to celebrity? Back in the ‘90s my boyfriend at the time looked enough like Eric Cantona (in his footballing years) to have women quite literally elbowing me out of the way to talk to him.

Well they haven't been following that "code" with me since I aged off their radars

When you have been invisible to men for a number of years, being suddenly acknowledged by them again IS noticeable. And jarring.

And those of you saying it's all in my imagination probably say the same to the posters who lose large quantities of weight and report how differently they get treated.

It's real. Older women get treated as invisible. Some older women struggle with that but the rest of us enjoy it.

And losing the benefits of being invisible to men all of a sudden begs a few questions. Like what use do they suddenly think I am to them if I wasn't worth acknowledging until now?

I get loads of men being polite and nice to me now I am in my late 50s. I believe that it's because I'm an older woman. THAT is very likely why these men are being like they are with you.

Why do YOU think it is? As I said, do you think they all fancy you? Because from the way you're talking, it sounds like you do. Is that what you want people to say 'ooooh yeah OP, you must be a proper hottie, coz they ALL fancy you?!

Not that I've been told

Maybe? But it's not double takes, it's smiles and small talks and getting out of my way rather than acting like I came out of NOWHERE if I don't step aside first etc

Have you aged into looking like their gran? Even young men smile at their gran.

I don't know why

Sex is a potential reason but not the most likely one I've considered, I haven't changed my appearance significantly lately

I am more suspicious that it's something more matronly that theyre after:
Nurse or purse kinda thing?

Maybe, but probably not. I don't look a lot like most of the people where I live due to not being from here.

I have no wisdom to offer, but really like (and recognise the truth of) your analysis of how men view women. It has given.me food for thought.

Woken? Like Sleeping Beauty? Wow.

Maybe it is survival instinct. The one that alerts you when you are stared at.