What am I doing wrong? Attention from men

[Treetopssofee]

WTF

I'm a happily invisible to men menopausal woman.

Until the last month or so! Men are paying me attention and I don't know why, I don't like it, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I've done to unwittingly encourage it.

What am I doing wrong? I like the safety of being irrelevant and invisible and unfuckable. For context I was a very early "developed" tween and got a lot of unwanted attention from grown men which I've been delighted to age out of.

I don't make it my job to make small talk with performatively lonely looking older men in coffee shops

I don't make myself small for man splainers.

I don't laugh at shit jokes

I don't step out of the way first on footpaths

It’s unlikely because they want to shag you

@Treetopssofee I would say you’re now more approachable because in their minds there’s no way you’d think they’ll fancy you because of your age. So they can just have an innocent friendly smile or chat with you.

Unless, they’ve gone further than a smile or general chit chat? Like flirting or asked you on a date.

This. The majority of men aren’t going to have creepy ulterior motives (though obviously some will); I think many are somehow less threatened by slightly older women so more inclined to pass the time of day - I’ve certainly noticed that I get a different kind of attention from men since I’ve visibly aged; most of it doesn’t concern me at all and falls into the categories this poster describes. The lovely men in my life would be more inclined to say a friendly hello to a lady of 50+ than a younger woman who might perceive it as pervy.

If by "creepy ulterior motives" you mean sexual interest? That is not the only kind of male attention I am uninterested in and want to disinvite

I also don't want to be designated carer, nurse, random child entertainer in a queue, by virtue of reaching another matronly milestone age

I am disinterested in Joe Swash types making a beeline for me in a crowd to play out their "I'm a nice guy who patronises old ladies" ego role play.

As for those "lovely" men in your life who don't know how to say hello to younger women without making it pervy, I don't want them using me as "safe" company either, that kind of person is of no interest to me.

I want all of the above to go back to leaving me WELL alone.

Uninterested

How do I deter this?

I'm not a haven of "safe" company for incels who think that all young and attractive women are just itching to scream sexual harassment for no reason.

You sound extremely defensive OP - either that or you live in a very strange community 😁 I have no idea who or what Joe Swash is, but I suggest you simply ignore all the attention as it’s easily done (unless it is actually threatening, of course, in which case report it).

No man who can't be bothered to learn how to speak to young women without making it weird, is invited to pass the time with me

I would rather chat to those young women myself than creeps who "CANT SAY ANYTHING ANY MORE WITHOUT IT BEING TAKEN THE WRONG WAY" but still think it's some less threatening woman's job to talk to them

But it's so NICE to not have to bat it off

So if I can go back to just not being acknowledged by men at all somehow, I would very much like to do that

I didn't HAVE to be defensive when I was enjoying the invisibility that I assumed was a permanent perk of aging!

It was GREAT and now I've experienced it I don't want to lose it

Hat, dark glasses and headphones? Works for me!

Scowl 🤷‍♀️

Balaclava 🤷‍♀️

I think I'm pretty scowly

I don't fawn

I'm un-botoxed and have some pretty deep permanent "11s"

Fine for winter

How does a woman who has reached in threatening matronly age, and the uses to men that brings, deter men in a heatwave?

I think if you're in your late 50s or 60s, depending on how you look, you might be giving off 'little old lady' vibes.

My mum has ever since she hit about 55, and noticed that she got a lot more friendly attention from men of all ages than she used to - helpful mechanics who go above and beyond, a neighbour's adult son offering to mow her lawn when he did theirs, men being chatty to her at the shops and carrying her shopping bags to the car, and that sort of thing.

She's quite friendly and sweet though, and did end up with a low-level stalker (very persistent with calling her) who still texts her once a year or so to see if she's changed her mind about dating him 😬

All I can think is to practice looking unfriendly and standoffish, and wear visible headphones. Although it's odd how some people seem to get chatted to, and others just don't. Is it the area you live in, maybe? In my late 30s I have a resting friendly face, and often get leched at from a distance while in town, but I never get approached and spoken to.

You sound a bit unhinged, OP.

Putting this amount of energy into hating men and getting upset because a few have acknowledged your existence as a fellow being who is old enough to attract a bit of human kindness (I agree with the posters who say you’ve probably reached the social stage of ‘old lady’ - I’m 55 and I know I have) is not normal or healthy.

I suggest you look into counselling.

You must just be SO BEAUTIFUL

I must have missed that box upon signing up to Mumsnet where you could opt out of living in the world where the MeToo movement happened,

Meanwhile in the real world, it's unfortunately quite normal/common to have been regularly negatively impacted by unwanted male attention.

(I'm realising that a whole bunch of mumsnetters read "unwanted male attention" as "flattery" and "getting asked out on lovely dates" and "lovely politeness", because I must be very full of myself and/or dillusional to think there's any other kinds of male attention..)

You know what's unhealthy?

Thinking it's nice and sweet that a demographic who sexualise us when we are underage, then act like we don't exist once we display outward signs of being fully grown adult humans...
.... finally decide that we are worth being polite to once we get old enough to look like we pose no social "threat"

I'm crazy for wanting to pass?

I didn't get a say about becoming invisible to them when I looked like I aged into a full blown adult, but I sure as hell ENJOYED not having it. I did not miss their attention, and now I'm supposed to be glad that I've got it again?

Are you people serious? The FAWNING on here is on another level!

And what's in it for me to allow myself to be these men's good deed for the day all of a sudden?

"Oh you might pick up a bit of light stalking, but it's mostly nice".... 🤨 WTF

I don't need or enjoy it, I get treated like a full adult by other women, why would I be glad to be some kind of one dimensional non threat pet dearie to men? And why should I want to make cutesy fawning small talk with the kind of people who think that women a bit younger than me are "more trouble than they're worth" once fully grown and no longer displaying "sexy" childlike traits?

I am not short of company. I have a community and rociprical support system who can and do help me when I actually need it, not when I don't for do-gooder feels.

Why should I gratefully receive any of this?

It isn't an upgrade from being left alone by men?

What are these men actually doing, though, OP?

Making eye contact and smiling while driving isn't strange to me, because I live in a rural area where everyone acknowledges other drivers with the little 'two fingers off the steering wheel' wave and a smile. But are they smiling and staring at you at traffic lights? Or when? And why does it bother you? Just don't smile back if you don't want to.

As for small talk...when is this happening? Standing in queues? Waiting at the GP's office? In shops? In the street? Looking/smiling doesn't seem like something that should be bothersome - but I can understand small talk would get irritating. Having to disentangle yourself from a chatty person is frustrating. But it's just as irritating to have a woman natter at me when I'm busy and want to get on with my day, as it is a man. And man or woman, small talk when you're waiting in a queue is much the same, I find (except if the woman is a knitter, and then I can chat away happily!)

Also, no one says you have to be cutesy or fawn? I don't know, I'm the first person to think most men are useless/dangerous/lecherous, but I feel like you're allowing this to take up more space in your head than it has to, unless you're being accosted by men who want to chat with you at every turn.

Do you have long swishy hair?

getting a short hairstyle might put them off

Not really

Shoulder length but not swishy or "done"

I'm not convinced a short do will help me slink back under the radar, if I'm loosing my invisibility privileges due to aging into "dearie" age, a short nan do might exacerbate the problem?

They stopped acting like I don't exist

I was enjoying it. It was wonderful.

The responses you have got here are so depressing OP.

Women who feel the need to defend poor, sweet innocent men.

Telling you that you are delusional.

What a load of old shit.

The conditioning of the patriarchy goes so deep that many of us don’t even notice it anymore and even those of us who think we know the reality of the situation are still tripped by it because it is almost part of our DNA.

I find that any hint of friendliness (and sometimes even just basic good manners) is taken as an open door to male entitlement.

I am trying to practice a don’t approach me face and limit my default friendliness with males.

I am a very average looking middle aged woman with no desire for male attention at all but nowhere seems safe from a man looking for something from me.