What am I doing wrong? Attention from men

[Treetopssofee]

WTF

I'm a happily invisible to men menopausal woman.

Until the last month or so! Men are paying me attention and I don't know why, I don't like it, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I've done to unwittingly encourage it.

What am I doing wrong? I like the safety of being irrelevant and invisible and unfuckable. For context I was a very early "developed" tween and got a lot of unwanted attention from grown men which I've been delighted to age out of.

I don't make it my job to make small talk with performatively lonely looking older men in coffee shops

I don't make myself small for man splainers.

I don't laugh at shit jokes

I don't step out of the way first on footpaths

Are they just being polite & neighbourly? I think both sexes are generally more polite to older people. I would smile at an old man I passed in the street or a young boy, I might not at a 30 yr old.

So they're not actually doing anything objectionable, just nodding politely, smiling, stepping out of your way, and making small talk at appropriate times?

I'm not sure that's really something that merits complaining about... No one should expect you to be flattered or pleased by it either, to be fair!! It's not a compliment to be politely smiled at by a man, just...well, human civility. Or it should be. But it seems pretty neutral overall, unless they're actively impeding your day or taking up your time, of course.

When I was young, street harassment was something I experienced not infrequently - groping in large crowds or on buses or trains, wolf whistles or cat calls, sometimes even men trying to get my number or following me. Now those were horrible and bothersome.

Polite interactions, which are the same that you might also have with women, seem entirely innocuous, really.

If you're getting all angry and out of sorts merely because a man in another car smiled at you, or a man stepped out of your way in the street...maybe you're making a mountain out of a molehill, and giving these men more of your headspace and more importance than you have to? Frankly, I wouldn't even really consciously notice a man doing those things, as they just seem like politeness to me.

To be MORE polite... you have to have a baseline of having been polite all along

MORE politeness from women is enthusiastically welcome!

To be MORE polite... you have to have a baseline of having been polite all along

presumably you haven’t known these strangers all their lives though?

Maybe they’re scared of you, OP! They probably feel like they have to offer a smile before you turn them to stone.

Some of them, I've noticed the change with both strangers and also long term acquaintances.

Hi OP. Thanks for this thread and your brilliant and funny posts. You've made me chuckle. Don't back down ever. There is another thread this week about men and similar to this one it is full of fawning apologist Aunt Lydia's telling people off and gas lighting them. I wonder if you are happier than normal? I find when I'm happier I get loads more attention which is annoying. My scowly face usually serves me well.

That would be nice, I wouldn't mind them scurrying away from me

I saw this brilliant response on the other thread, basically said there is huge evidence that supports how awful most men are in the small and big ways but most people cannot take that in as it would be too scary and disconcerting to acknowledge that truth. So we go on, playing nice and playing along. Good on you OP for not doing and for being so funny with it. I think the above poster might be right, it could well be your no fucks attitude, I think this often attracts people, god knows why.

I'm generally happy (when I'm not being told I hallucinated the patriarchy) but I think in a self contained way? I don't think I'm walking around grinning?

I'm pretty content and secure. I enjoy nature, my hobbies, my friends, my own company and my home. Don't love my job but I'm very good at it due to experience so its not taxing.

Nothing that's significantly new or different recently

It's been happening even when sunny, and I always forget my sunglasses so that should in theory be making me extra frowney

Men are mostly awful. They're violent, objectifying, dangerous, and entitled. I've experienced the full gamut of male abuse in my lifetime, and I know very well not to trust 99% of them.

But to be so bothered about men smiling politely at you while driving, or stepping out of your way on the footpath, that you start a post bemoaning it, seems a little odd. Which is why I wondered what these men are actually doing (because if they're trying to strike up entitled chat all the time, that would be infuriating).

Otherwise, men smiling politely without being objectifying or bothersome is what they should be doing and generally don't do, and wouldn't be something I even gave a thought to. Because they're not really worth a thought, honestly.

This explains the posters who think I need counselling to forget what men are and can be. I need to get over having been a teen and young woman navigating mens grossness so that I don't have to think about how not enough has changed for young women today.

Yes I have "issues"! Issues like the fact that Judge Nicholas Rolands doesn't think boys should be criminalised for rape!

It wasn't real violence it's just a couple of raped girls after all. Can't go ruining boys lives over a little thing like that!

It's absolutely a me problem that things like this make me angry

I should go to counselling to convince myself that these are just rare bad eggs

It's not what they're doing

It's the fact that they were until recently completely leaving me alone!

I wasn't worth acknowledging. So whatever it is that suddenly makes me worth the time of day to them now, I DONT want to accept the assignment!

Fair enough to have preferred being ignored! I can understand that. But personally I'd just brush off the attention with a vague smile and go on with my day, if they're not demanding you stop and talk with them.

Although I find that walking through the world with my usual single-minded focus and very brisk pace, most of the time I don't even notice the other people around me and probably come off as rude at times 🙈 Perhaps a brisk pace and air of focused preoccupation will make you seem less approachable?

Bloody hell what a depressing view of men you have OP. I’m sorry you’ve been subjected to such shit ones, but this is extreme. Bordering misandry.

This whole thread is so weird. It’s only on Mumsnet that women make statements about all women being automatically totally invisible to men after a certain age (sometimes as young as 40) and then they also claim to love it. It’s almost like it’s some security blanket and they always go to great lengths to say how when they were younger they were so hot and couldn’t move for male attention and wow what a relief because it’s so exhausting when so many men are after you all the time.
And now this. The OP moaning about how all the men want her and how can she stop it because she’s OLD dontcha know and by rights nobody should find her attractive.

Im guessing that at some point the OP will reveal that she’s 45 or something like that.

Yeah stop being annoyed and fucking comply OP Jeez you're letting the side down 😆

What on earth is OP 'complying' with though? Being smiled at?? Is that something one needs to 'comply' with?

We're not talking about harassment or lecherous behaviour here it seems, but rather, polite and noninvasive behaviour that really should surely be the norm from both sexes, not the exception (although sadly, noninvasive politeness is the exception from men).

But I DID MY TIME already when it comes to brushing off men's small talk

It's different to a boring or clingy woman, usually that's just a lack of awareness and you can get away with a quick white lie if you need to

With men there's a whole extra layer of mental assessment that you have to do, and no, MN world of misunderstood men, it's not "oh gee, does them talking to me mean they FANCY me" before those posters jump back on...

It's the potential ANGER that men can act out when women don't play the role of "nice" that they expect of them.

You can't just not respond
You can't just tell them to fuck off
You can't just reply with one dead pan syllable to hint to them to go away
You can't just cut them off and say you best be off
........ without first assessing if it's SAFE to do that, or if it might turn the situation into something harder to get away from unscathed / un verbally abused and shaken

On the other hand, if you ARE in the mood for a chat, and have all the time in the world, there's another layer of calculation with men:

• what am I inviting?
• what am I encouraging

And no I don't JUST mean sex, because I think I'm SOOOO SEXY 🙄, although that IS a risk and it's not dependant on objectives attractiveness....
... It can encourage the whole range of "women's work"

Nice to him today with a chat about the front garden - tomorrow listed as his carer (true story)

I DID MY DAMN TIME first time round when I was on mens radar

I don't WANT to have to figure out the best/safest way to brush off their chat. I don't think I realised just how TIRED of it I was until I experienced the relief of it not happening!

The idea that all women are secretly liking unsolicited male attention of all kinds - however much older or gross the man giving it - as confirmation they are hot’ …. garbage mired in misogyny.

You don’t need to be ‘hot’ - most of us know that it’s not always or even often a compliment for a strange main to approach and persist in seeking your attention with no encouragement and ignoring all social cues. It’s not a compliment to be an interchangeable thing with any other woman of use only as a receptacle - an object.

Yeah it's all "mee too mee too" with these sluts

They love it, if they complain that's just proof of how obsessed they are with men

I was replying in good faith to these posts initially, but honestly, who are these posters and what world are they living in?

So what you're saying is that men have started frequently stopping you to try to make polite small talk with you? In the shops? On the street? At the GP's office? And how often is it actually happening??

I'm honestly curious, as this isn't something I've experienced ever since I moved out of the city to a smaller town many years ago, and stopped getting street harassment. Just, as I've said, lechy looks, or polite smiles. Both of which I could happily do without, but I don't mind the smiles.

I do 100% agree with you though, if what you're talking about is them trying to chat to you, rather than just smiles/stepping out of your way - you're right about all the different factors you need to take into account. You never know how a man will react, or whether they're a creep/violent/mentally unstable and will take offence to being brushed off. It's stressful.

Again with the need to point out how attractive you were when younger and totally irresistible to men. And now you just want a break but they won’t leave you alone.

I genuinely do think some people just have an inflated idea of how much others are noticing them. I’ve seen that with people I know who are like “god, I wish people would stop staring at me” and literally nobody is staring at them. I’m guessing you fall into that category. I suspect you’re seeing what you want to see (despite claiming that you don’t want to see it).

You’re making sweeping statements about “all men” which simply aren’t true.

My husband is a very kind and gentle soul and is friendly and helpful to everyone, male and female. He’s not looking for anything, just thinks life is better if we look out for each other - I agree!

It’s not hard to brush off small talk. Stop frothing about nothing.